Expressions of Hope - Blog for grieving parents by GPS Hope

May 20, 2015 by Laura Diehl 3 Comments

Seven Ways to Help Our Adult Children Part 1

Do you have an adult child you raised to know the Lord, and now your heart is breaking, watching them not walking in the fullness of His Kingdom? This is a place none of us want to be in, but many of us seem to find ourselves here at one time or another.

Having raised five children to know the Lord, each one was also filled with the Holy Spirit, able to minister in various ways as children from that flow of the Holy Spirit within them. I modeled the Kingdom walk in my home to the best of my ability through my own intimate relationship with God. My husband and I don’t swear, we didn’t bring sex or violence into our home through movies or TV (not unless Packer football counts). My husband and I are not drinkers, nor have either of us EVER been drunk, and we have never been smokers (I have never had a puff of anything my entire life). All of our children were either homeschooled, or sent to a private Christian school for most of their school years. I also drove them around the country to experience God and encounter Him in powerful children’s camps and conferences.

And yet, I have watched every single one of them go through a floundering process. It is heartbreaking and scary to say the least; to watch them making decisions you know can have lifelong consequences, which could leave them either defeated or struggling to overcome for many years.

My recent concern about this once again caused me to start doing some in-depth research on this generation of young adults – those in their twenties – and found myself in tears, crying out to God for this group of wandering souls!

I’m not going to talk about what caused this. There are plenty of organizations addressing this issue. I want to talk about what we can do if we find ourselves in this place.

It is important to realize that most of them still have a belief in God. Even if they say they don’t, that is usually the mechanism they use to not feel the guilt of things they might be doing. How can you truly not believe in someone who is living inside of you?

Many of them still pray and talk to God about things that are going on in their lives and ask Him questions. But they don’t want us to know that, because they don’t want to have to try to explain how they can pray and yet still be living the lifestyle they have chosen.

I remember as a Christian teenager when I found myself in a sexual relationship with my Christian boyfriend, I continued to pray. I continued to read my Bible. As a matter fact, my boyfriend and I would sometimes pray together. We still went to youth group, I still worshiped the Lord. The guilt of that part of my life stayed hidden for quite a while. Even though I knew what I was doing was not pleasing to the Lord, I did not want to lose my relationship with the Lord. So it wasn’t that I was being what has been labeled as a hypocrite, I knew I needed Him, and even though I was deeply rooted in my sin, I hung onto God in the ways that I knew how.

I tell you this because even though your child may not overtly be hanging onto God in a way that you can see, chances are very good that he or she is still hanging on to God in ways you cannot see.

Let me share with you seven things I have learned in the process of watching my own five children, as they each made their own life decisions that were not the decisions I wanted them to make, especially concerning their walk with God.

Give unconditional love they can receive

I know that we continue to love our children unconditionally, no matter what. But too often our children don’t know that. Our child’s perception of the truth is more important than the truth itself, when it comes to our love for them. It is important for us to find ways that show love to them in a way they can receive it. That can be a challenge for sure, especially if they are at a point where they always want to pick a fight.

Ask God to show you what their “love language” is, and to give you ideas that will get past the walls that have been put up. They need to know without a doubt your love is real, and it is strong, and it will never go away no matter what they do or the choices they make.

2. Know the difference between discipline and judging or manipulating

As my children reached adulthood, I could no longer bring discipline into their lives. That season of my life was over for them. When that time came, I found it very easy to turn the corner and become very critical and judgmental, trying to guilt them into what I thought they should or should not be doing. This was never successful and always pushed them away from me, which never failed to cause a chain reaction of ugliness, usually coming from both of us.

I have learned (and will admit I am still learning) to leave the judging to God. He will do a much better job than I will. He will do it right and he won’t mess them up like I can. And there is that little verse that says, “Mercy triumphs over judgment” (James 2:13). When I think about it, I would much rather my child be given mercy than judgment. The truth is, it’s His kindness or goodness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). If that’s the way God does it, then that’s the way I need to do it; which seems to circle us right back to that unconditional love. Hmmm…. Sounds a lot like the way God does things, doesn’t it?

We will continue this subject in next week’s blog.

In the meantime, would you please share with me in the comment area below: What is a creative way you have shown love to your adult child that you know they received as such?

May 13, 2015 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

Giving Yourself the Gift of Forgiveness Part 2

There is no question things happen in our lives that cause deep anger and pain. However, forgiveness is not based on those emotions. Just like love, forgiveness is a conscious decision we make which goes beyond our feelings.

Note: If you have not read Part 1, please click on this link Giving Yourself the Gift of Forgivness – Part 1 before reading Part 2.

I would say if there has been some kind of abuse in your past, (physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or spiritual) there is a pretty good chance you have “seasons” where you spend quite a bit of time thinking about what that person did (or didn’t do), allowing yourself to repeatedly feel the painful emotions of that abuse . And that is very understandable.

But you won’t be able to get past it, if you don’t back up and allow the bitterness that is taking root in your heart to be removed.

Most of us already know this, but it needs to be said here as a reminder.

Forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for you. As long as you are holding on to unforgiveness, you are chained to that person through your anger and your bitterness.

When you make the choice to forgive someone, you are not saying that you are okay with what they did and how they wronged you. Forgiveness does not depend on whether or not a person deserves that forgiveness. It isn’t even based on if they are sorry for what they have done.

Choosing to forgive is making a choice to uproot the bitterness. It is making the choice of refusing to continue to be dragged through the emotional mud by remaining attached to that person.

Why would you want to stay connected to someone who has hurt you so deeply? Unforgiveness is not hurting them, it is hurting you like an internal cancer eating you up inside and killing your soul.

Forgiving someone is not offering them a way out, it is giving yourself a gift. A gift you deserve to have and unwrap! The best thing we can do is to forgive the person who wronged us, and let them go. In doing this, we release ourselves to begin to heal from our wounds.

Often we find it is a process; a very slow and sometimes painful process.

You will probably find yourself having to choose forgiveness over and over again. I know of one woman who took 10 years of choosing to forgive the person who shot and murdered her son before the reality of forgiveness was a part of her life. Is it extremely difficult? Yes, for sure. Is it impossible? Only if you say so.

It truly is your choice to hang on to it and be destroyed by it, or to start the process of forgiveness and eventually find freedom.

Would you like to know who I find myself needing to forgive multiple times (besides the situation I shared about in part 1 of this blog)?

It is a doctor who came to see my daughter, a couple of weeks before she died. She needed to be put on the heart transplant list, but one reason she couldn’t get on it was because she was quite a bit overweight. Not being mobile (only having one leg plus having suffered a stroke) made it extremely difficult to take off the 60 or so pounds they said she had to lose.

This doctor was sent to discuss some options to help her with this. One thing he told her was that if she really wanted to lose the weight, she could. Obviously he would not do it, but he could lock her up in a room and feed her nothing but bread and water and she would lose the weight. At that point she pretty much quit eating. We couldn’t even get her to drink protein shakes. Since the heart is a muscle and hers was already so weakened and enlarged, it did not take very long for her heart to give out from lack of any nourishment, especially the lack of protein needed for her heart muscle to function properly. Yah, I can’t spend time thinking about that or I find myself getting angry all over again. I forgive him… I forgive him… I forgive him…

You have probably heard this many times, and you know it in your head, (along with the scriptures like Matthew 6:15 that tell us if we don’t forgive others our Father in heaven won’t forgive us) but how do you actually do it?

Don’t play the blame game. It puts you on the enemy’s playing field.

The person who is guaranteed to lose this game is not the person you are angry at for how they abused or hurt you. It is you, and everyone who loves you and needs you in their lives without the poison of bitterness and unforgiveness.

There is power in our words, much more than we seem to realize. Oftentimes, something we are thinking doesn’t become a reality until we either hear it said, or we speak the words ourselves.

I strongly encourage you to speak your forgiveness out loud.

Let the forgiveness and the healing begin with your words. Speak forgiveness over the person who is responsible for causing such intense pain in your life. Say it out loud, right now, right where you are. Tell them, even though they can’t hear you, that you forgive them for ________ (and say what it is they did.)

It will probably be very painful, but in going through the pain you will be taking a step toward healing.

You may feel an immediate release, you may feel a deep stabbing in your heart, or you may feel nothing at all. But forgiveness is not based on a feeling, Say it out loud whether you mean it in your heart or not. Remember, it is not about feelings.

It is about setting yourself free from the chains that keep you attached to this person, which is preventing your healing and going forward into the fullness of life and what God has for you.

Remember, you are not forgiving them because what they did (or didn’t do) was okay. You are choosing to forgive for your own sake; your own freedom and healing. Make the conscious decision to refuse to remain connected to that person, allowing him or her to continue dragging you around in your darkness and pain. Release their hold on you as you choose forgiveness.

You may have to come back to this over and over again like I have shared in my own personal stories. You may need to come back and state your choice of forgiveness multiple times a day at first. Say it once, say 100 times if you have to. But keep saying it. “_____________, I forgive you for _______________________

Make a conscious choice to forgive, as many times as it takes.

You will find yourself having to come back to forgiving this person less often, until one day you suddenly realize you truly have forgiven them and you are free of the painful grip they once had on you.

As you determine in your heart to take these steps, God will be faithful to meet you.

What a wonderful day that will be!

Is there something that has helped you forgive in a difficult situation? Share it with us in the comment section below.

May 9, 2015 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

Your Mom is a Gift From God

I have a friend named Tory who has four kids. One day she walked into their living room and said to her son Jonathan, “Hello friend!” He looked at her and said with very serious eyes, “I don’t ever want to be your friend. It is so much more special to be your son.”

Do you realize how special it is to have your mom as YOUR mom? Your mom knows God gave you to her as a very special gift. But have you thought about how God also gave your mom to you as a very special gift? Out of all the millions and billions of moms around the entire world, God hand-picked your mom, just for you! WOW!

You can have lots and lots of friends, but there is only one person who carried you inside of them, gave you life, and takes care of your needs every single minute, day or night. Your mom has a very very special and powerful connection with you that no one else on earth has with you.

In the month of May, there is a day set aside called Mother’s Day that is specifically for honoring and blessing our moms. Ask God what you can do for your mom to make her feel especially honored, loved, and blessed. The Holy Spirit wants to speak to you and show you what you can do to let her know she is so much more special than any friend you could ever have!

May 7, 2015 by Laura Diehl 2 Comments

Giving Yourself the Gift of Forgiveness Part 1

Abuse, abandonment, rejection, not understanding, piercing words, false accusations…the list is endless of how we are hurt by those around us. Let’s get right to the point!
Unforgiveness can completely paralyze a person. And there are so many different paths unforgiveness can take. We might need to forgive

•Other people for physical, emotional, and/or spiritual abuse
• God, for allowing something to happen (or not happen)
• Ourselves, for a whole variety of reasons
• You may even have to forgive someone for dying and leaving you here without them

Let me share with you an area in my life, where I need to live in a place of forgiveness for an issue that runs very deep in my family.

When one of our sons was just becoming a teen, he got involved in something that wasn’t good. We found this out because he came to us himself. He felt trapped and wanted to be released from it. This led to involving a counselor, which eventually led to having the law involved. (I was “tipped off” by a case worker, so I could rush to pull him out of school and drive him to the sheriff’s department to turn himself in, to avoid a public arrest. THANK YOU!)

This started us on a path we never dreamed we would be on. And it also unfortunately showed us firsthand how the justice system is so messed up.

There was a six month investigation to prepare for a trial, and during that time, our son was locked up in the county juvenile detention center. Every afternoon I would go sit in a tiny cubicle with my son on the other side of the glass, and every evening my husband would go visit him.

There was no question that my son, who was now living in the detention center, was guilty of something. (Remember, he was the one that started this whole thing, asking for help.) In our being naïve and believing the system wanted to give our son the help he came forward asking for, Dave and I were totally open and honest during the investigation, not knowing our own words would be twisted and used against him. Unfortunately, we were unaware that from the very beginning the county wanted him incarcerated. It was all very political and devious.

There was overwhelming evidence presented to the judge against sending him to the state juvenile correctional facility (which is a nice way of saying “juvenile prison” including double gates, barbed wire, and guards). This included a professional psychologist who works with criminals in that specific area, is highly respected, and is put on the stand in courts around our state. He evaluated our son and testified that he was not a criminal. He could see there were some triggers in my son’s life that caused him to commit this crime, and once the triggers were dealt with, he would be fine, but there was a high risk of an incarceration turning him into an actual criminal. There were stacks of letters from people giving strong character references like his teachers, our pastor, a neighbor who was involved on the victim end of his crime, and even officers from the detention center (saying he was a really good kid and they should not risk messing him up by locking him up with criminals – he just needed some in-depth counseling in this one area).

Our lawyer had contacted two boys’ homes, asking them if they would do an evaluation to admit our son in their program, as an alternative to being locked up. Instead of responding to our lawyer, one of these places called the prosecuting district attorney to say they would not take our son. Now why would they call the DA to tell him that, when WE were the ones that requested the evaluation? Like I said, it was political and devious…

The judge himself wanted to send our son to one of these boys’ homes instead of a correctional facility. During the trial he even requested a phone be brought to his bench so he could talk to the facilities directly and find out why they would not take him. One facility gave a legitimate reason (they didn’t have a proper program at the time) but the one that called the DA gave the reason that our son was too large and intimidating to be with the other boys. (Really??? He was “towering” over me at the time at a full 5’5” And yes, I typed it right, five feet and five inches). Even though they had a bogus reason, it was a reason, and they refused to take him.

This left the judge with no choice but to declare our son guilty of certain things that would require him to be sent to the state juvenile correctional facility and locked up. That guilty verdict manipulated by the county affected him during his two years of incarceration, affected the process of his release, caused him to be on an ankle bracelet for a season, affected the course of his life with decisions forced on him by a parole officer, and there are direct parts of it that still affect him over a decade later.

Not only that, there were some important events in our family that happened during the time of his confinement.

Our oldest daughter got married, and our son was not able to be at his sister’s wedding because of his incarceration. It was a very bittersweet day, and when the photographer called the bride’s family to come up for pictures, our daughter said she didn’t want them because her brother wasn’t there; we all agreed. (He was eventually allowed to watch the video of her wedding with an officer sitting next to him.)

Several months later the same sister was in a literal life-and-death situation with her heart during the pregnancy and birth of her first child. He was not able to be with the family through that time, which was hard on all of us.

While locked up, he excelled in his classes and actually graduated early at 17. But there was no graduation ceremony where we could go and celebrate with him. However, we were given a photograph of him in a cap and gown holding his diploma…um…thanks?

I am so very thankful that during his time of being in the correctional facility, he took responsibility for his actions that placed him there, and he did not allow being in that kind of an environment to corrupt him. When the judge sentenced him, he looked at my son and said, “Son, your strong faith will get you through this.” And it did.

This is a part of our life that we can never get back, all because of a political system overstepping the justice system. (Our county could brag at how tough they are on this kind of crime) and because they didn’t want to have to deal with all the cost and paperwork that would be involved in the following couple of years as he received treatment in a boy’s home. (Being incarcerated meant that he became the state’s finance and paperwork issue. I say that because it was actually brought up by the county prosecution to the judge as another reason for choosing the specific guilty verdict that he ended up being given!)

I think it is easy to see that if I did not choose and force myself to forgive those involved in this huge messing with our lives, that I would be a very angry and bitter woman. And in the natural, I think I have a right to be, don’t you?

Thankfully, I have learned that forgiveness is not based on our rights. It is a choice we make in the face of being wronged!

When it comes to the depth of our painful circumstances, we can find we don’t have what it takes within ourselves to forgive. But God already knows that, and he has made a way for us to be able to forgive in His strength, which is a strength far beyond our own.

You have one of two choices to make. You can keep dwelling on how you were wronged and hurt, giving yourself all the reasons why you have the right to remain bitter and why that person (or system) does not deserve to be forgiven, or you can choose to release that person in your thoughts and tell yourself you choose to forgive, smack dab in the middle of that wrong. And yes, I know it is so easy for me to say, but so very hard to do!

In the next blog, I will share some specific things to help you get to this place of actually doing it.

But in the meantime, if you have someone you need to forgive, and you are ready to take the first step of wanting to make the choice to do so, write in the comment below, “I choose to forgive!” (And I will join you.)

April 30, 2015 by Laura Diehl 5 Comments

What I Have Learned About Submission After 31 Years of Marriage

A Marriage that Stands the Test of Time

It was a holy moment in time, but I was so young, I didn’t understand that part of it.

Thirty one years ago I walked down the aisle and gave myself to Dave Diehl, and he gave himself to me (on April 28, 1984).

God made the two of us one that day, but it has been up to us to live that oneness out, in cooperation with Him. I will be the first one to admit how much of a challenge that has been for me at times.

I want everything done the right way (meaning “MY way”). Can anyone else relate? I have had to learn how often there is no right or wrong way. It is just a different way.

And even more importantly, I have had to work through the true meaning of submission in a marriage. Most of us are familiar with the scripture in Ephesians 5 that talks about how the husband is the head of the wife and the wife needs to submit to her husband – some even say obey her husband.

A common interpretation is that it means the husband is the commander-in-chief of the family, and they blindly follow with a “yes sir!” after receiving their marching orders.

But what if your husband doesn’t have that lion “type A” personality of barking out orders and expecting everybody else to follow them? I was raised with that view of Ephesians 5, and because of that, it is an area I struggled in for years. There were many times I dishonored my husband because he wasn’t out there in front of us forcing our family into some Christian mold.

Our entire marriage, Dave has walked in love, continually laying his life down for me as Christ laid down His life for the church (also in Ephesians 5 in the same set of scriptures that tells the wife to submit to her husband).

No matter how I tried to guilt him or how I disrespected him, he just kept walking in love. He has remained patient, and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude… (1 Corinthians 13). Okay, he isn’t perfect, doing it all the time, but it takes a lot for him to stray from that and give in to his flesh.

Often love and meekness can be misinterpreted as weakness. I am very sorry to say that I was guilty of that misinterpretation for a long time, and it affected our marriage. In Ephesians 5:33 I am told to respect my husband. As long as I misinterpreted the Scriptures to mean my husband was supposed to have a stronger personality than me, taking authority by putting his foot down and telling us what-is-what (especially spiritually) I struggled.

Doesn’t that sound crazy? But that is exactly what many of us wives think our husbands should do, according to the Bible. Wow! Is anyone else seeing something not quite right with this picture?

Praise God for always being willing to open our eyes to see truth when we truly want to see it. A few years ago my eyes were opened to see how a marriage that is functioning in the fullness God intended for it to be, is a marriage that is in co-submission. As Dave says, “A Godly marriage is both people coming under submission to the Holy Spirit in each other.”

It is said that we are usually attracted to someone who has an opposite personality than us. So if the husband has the strong personality, he is usually attracted to a woman who is on the quieter side. It is just a natural desire of wanting some balancing in our lives that attracts us to that person with an opposite personality. So what happens when the woman is the one with the strong personality, and the husband is the one on the quieter side with the serving heart and who has a calling to support others?

Dave and I have discovered through experience (unfortunately) that often times those marriages are mislabeled as the wife having a Jezebel spirit. That happened to us, and that mislabel tried to destroy our marriage. But it is also what finally opened my eyes to see the truth of Ephesians 5, and to learn how to walk in the fullness of it.

There were many years of struggle, caused by my misunderstanding of expecting my husband to get in front and drag me and my family where we should be, instead of allowing Dave to be who God created him to be within our marriage, as a laid-back, calm, supportive person. Even so, I still knew better than to be rebellious and go against what he would want me to do or not do. Were there times I got in the flesh and tried to manipulate my way into what I wanted? Definitely. But that was my own battle with my own flesh, not what has been mislabeled as a Jezebel spirit. (If you want to see what Jesus himself says is a Jezebel spirit, you can read it for yourself in Revelation 2:20. It has nothing to do with a woman controlling, manipulating and usurping the authority of a man in the way it is used and abused in the church today.)

My husband has always nourished me and cherished me. He has never put demands on me or coerced me to do what he wanted me to do out of anger or intimidation. And he has never hit me over the head with Ephesians 5, telling me that my role in the marriage is to submit to him no matter what. By the way, true submission is an act of my will, not being forced to obey like a parent with a child.

Woman was created from the rib in Adam’s side. It was the curse that put man as a ruler over women (Genesis 3:16). I am a helpmate to my husband, walking side-by-side with him. Neither one of us is in front with the other behind.

So here I am thirty one years later from that day I said “I do” to my new husband, in a vow before God. I sit in complete awe and amazement at what God has done in our lives, and in our marriage.

I am thanking God for this holy union; for it is truly holy, as God Himself is in the center. My husband has made sure of it, beyond what myself or “man” may think or misinterpret as truth.

If you find yourself in the situation I was for many years, take it to God and allow him to show you truth. Open the word to Ephesians chapter 5, realizing that all the numbers for chapters and verses was put in there by man as a point of reference. God did not put in those separations. So instead of reading it based on the heading someone decided to put above a section, or reading it by separating each verse by the numbers in front of it, read through the entire chapter five so that you can read it in context and just flow right in to chapter 6. (Or read the entire letter written to the Ephesians since it really isn’t that long.) Read it like it was written with the flow of the Holy Spirit through the whole thing, not chopped up by chapters, verses and headings.

One thing you will discover is that right before God tells wives to submit to their own husbands as to the Lord, He says to submit to one another in the fear of God. Submission is something God intended to be a two-way lifestyle.

My belief, based on this Scripture and others, is that man is not to dominate his wife but he is to cherish her and submit to the Holy Spirit in his wife, as the wife also submits to the Holy Spirit in her husband in respect and honor.

My husband has been a living example of that for 31 years. Crown of Glory Ministries would not exist if he took a dominating role in our marriage, forcing me to submit to what he wants, making me take a back seat to himself. Dave takes seriously the fact God says he is the head of our marriage. That is why he prays and allows God to lead our marriage, and why he has gotten behind me, helping to release what God put in me as a front-line minister of the gospel. And I pray, just like his parents, we are only half way there, and will have another 31 years to live out this incredible life of love, co-submission, and holiness in our marriage.

I would love to hear from you. To those with a marriage like mine (with the strong out-going wife and the calm and reserved husband) has this been a new revelation on how blessed you are to have your husband just the way he is?

I would also love to hear from those of you who have seen this truth of co-submission at work in your marriage.

Please note: I understand there will be those who disagree with this. If you want to express your disagreement in the comments below I respect that. However, I reserve the right to delete any comments I feel are inappropriate, full of anger or malice, or do not serve the purpose of encouragement and edification.