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How Your Thoughts Affect Your Grief

Don’t let the enemy take the greatest pain and darkness you have ever faced and turn it into a lie that God doesn’t love you, or that He has turned His back on you.

When God created us, He did an amazing thing. One of the ways He made us in His image is by allowing us to think our own thoughts. He does not control our thoughts, even though He could.

He even allows us to think He is the evil one.

I remember times when my kids blamed me for something and were angry with me when I wasn’t the one who caused the pain, or my decision was based on something I could see that they could not.

It’s the same way with God. He allows us to have our own thoughts, even if we believe a lie about Him. That is how much He loves us. He doesn’t force us to trust Him or love Him. He lets it come from our own choice and our own thoughts.

The truth is, the only powers great enough to keep me from living out my kingdom inheritance here on earth are lies and deception. It isn’t the death of my daughter, or any other tragedy I have experienced in my life.

And in case you aren’t aware, believing a lie is just as powerful as believing the truth.

Whether we believe it or not, the truth is that we are secure in God and His blood covenant through Jesus. Even if we falter through life, even if we are angry with Him, He remains holding our hand, walking with us. (In fact, I believe there are many times in my life He has just plain carried me when I was too wounded to walk.)

The best way I know to get out of the enemy’s sticky web is to still your soul, quiet your own thoughts, and ask God to give you His thoughts. You need to be transformed—totally changed—by the renewing of your mind (Romans 12:2). Allow God’s thoughts to speak softly to you in the depths of your being to set you free from the turmoil. Sit quietly in His presence, letting His thoughts reprogram your thinking.

What you focus on is what you will grow. So, if you continue to focus on the pain and loss, it will grow until it is ready to consume you and overtake you. But if instead you think about, focus on, and give thanks for what or who you still have, that is what will begin to grow, and eventually it will bring you out of that deep dark place.

And you may not believe it right now, but you can actually get to the place where you celebrate your child’s life, instead of being stuck in the pain of his or her death.

Another way to help change your thoughts is through gratitude. I know we can feel like we have nothing to be thankful for, but once again, that is not the truth. Gratitude is powerful, and it has worked for countless other grieving parents. You can experience for yourself that when we make the choice to flip the switch and find things to be thankful for, we will start to see a change happening in our lives and feel the pain of loss lighten.

The Bible tells us that we are to take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). One reason this is so important is because our thoughts become our words, and words are extremely powerful. We see that all through Scripture.

For something to be released, we have to decree it; we have to declare it. We don’t have to feel it, but somehow, we have to push through to get ourselves to speak the truth of what God says. We can’t just wish this pain wouldn’t be so intense. We can’t keep saying we will never get better or will never be able to live without our child here with us. We need to speak God’s Words and truth into the circumstance and into our pain, no matter how much our feelings are the opposite.

Remember, believing a lie is just as powerful as believing the truth. And speaking out those beliefs will make our thoughts even more solid – either the lies, or the truth.

I heard God speak to me about the way I was thinking, well over a year after I lost Becca, as seen in the journal entry below.

1/16/13: Let’s go back to perspective. You have been stuck on how difficult your life has been. I want you to spend some time meditating on the good, on the blessings, on the wonderful and joyful things. Let’s “reprogram” you and your thought process!

The last thing I will share that has helped me personally, was to realize God isn’t just “out there” somewhere. He is actually inside me. Because I have invited Jesus to be Lord of my life, the Spirit of God dwells in me, which also means the Seed of Hope is in me. I don’t have to wait for God to come to me from somewhere out there. I can quiet myself and listen to His still small voice from inside of me, speaking peace, bringing comfort. Whatever I need, He is already inside me to meet that need, including what I need to water that seed of hope to make it grow.

The amazing thing is that He is also sitting on His throne at the exact same time. And I can come boldly to that throne of our gracious God to receive His mercy and find His help which I so desperately need, over and over again (Hebrews 4:16).

To get through the suffocating darkness be able to live again, we cannot lean on our own understanding. In all our ways we have to acknowledge the truth that God is always good, whether we agree with His decisions or not. (To read a previous article How Can I Still Believe God is Good After the Death of My Child? click here.)

Just because I have thoughts or feelings about something, no matter how strong, does not mean they are necessarily based on the truth. I pray that you will seek for the truth in your thoughts, because the truth sets us free from being chained to the darkness of our grief.

The five most popular Expressions of Hope Blogs written in 2018 were made into an eBook (which includes the one mentioned above, How Can I Still Believe God is Good After the Death of My Child?). We would be happy to send you a free copy if you will let us know where to send it.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

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It’s Okay Not to Be Okay!

When we have to say a final earthly goodbye to our child, it affects everything.

Even the word family takes on a whole new meaning. Our family will never be complete again. There are no replacements for child loss…

Ever.

And because of that, phrases with the word family in them can bring on crashing emotions.

 • Family photo
• Family reunion
• Family vacation
• Family meal
• Family pack (of tickets, etc.)
• Family holiday
• Family picnic

Any kind of family gathering, event, or even advertisements, is a glaring reminder of the child we are missing.

We get a front row seat to the meaning of the word bittersweet. For me personally:

Our middle son will be the only one of the siblings who had all five of them present at his wedding. The other three will be missing their sister, both at the event itself, and in the family wedding photos. Bittersweet…

We have had four grandchildren born since Becca died. The day those precious little ones made their entrance into the world was wonderful, but someone was missing. We only have one grandchild who knew her Aunt Becca. Any other grandchildren will not have that blessing. Bittersweet…

Our family is growing, and as my children get married and start their own families, it gets harder to have us all together for the holidays. On those fun times when we are all together, we aren’t really all together, because Becca and her daughter are missing. Bittersweet…

Graduations, school dances, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, birthday parties, weddings, baby showers…all of these and many more events can be overshadowed with a reminder of who is not there, and be bittersweet…

As I sit here at my desk, I am surrounded by memories and thoughts of Becca. It always amazes me how some days memories can make me smile, and other days they bring tears.

Holidays, like the ones we have just been through, definitely have the same effect on me. Some moments, some days, some years are filled with tears, and others are filled with warm memories that bring smiles and even laughter.

And I have learned that it’s okay. It’s okay to be smiling one moment and crying the next.

It’s okay to be able to go to one event but not go to the next event.

It’s okay to want to talk about my child with someone who misses her. It’s okay to not want to talk about my child right now to anyone.

It’s okay to fall apart and be a mess because something triggered a wave of grief, and it’s okay to have that happen with no explanation.

It’s okay to finally have a burst of energy one day, and the next day not even get out of bed (much less get dressed).

It’s okay not to be okay! Let me say that again, a little louder this time.

IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY!

Well now, this doesn’t sound like a word of hope, does it? At least not to those who have never faced a deep loss like ours. But if you are anything like me, this was a relief when I found out it is not only okay to be like this, but NORMAL!

It gave me so much hope to know that there are other bereaved parents out there who were once in the same place I am and yet seem to have figured out how to live without their child. And that they still have moments of not being okay with their child being gone from this earth.

And it also helps, when we can find ways others around us make sure the memory of our child is kept alive at these bittersweet events.

With that being said, here are a few suggestions to help you face events this coming year, that you just can’t seem to avoid, in a way that will bring some relief to you, if only for a few moments.

1. Take a memory book and ask people to write something to your child and a special memory.

2. Ask them to make a toast specifically acknowledging by name all family members who have passed on.

3. Play one of your child’s favorite upbeat songs and have everyone dance to it (even something fun like the Chicken Dance song or the always animated favorite Let It Go).

4. Have a silly hat contest, with your child’s favorite color featured. (This would have to be planned ahead and might make a wonderful yearly tradition. Then wear the same hats each year or change it up and make new ones.)

5. Find photos of the family members/friends with your child and make it into a video with music everyone will enjoy watching.

6. Take a movie your child liked to watch and ask the group you are with to watch it with you.

And if none of these suggestions seem like they will make you want to be there, guess what? It’s okay!

So often we are told in life, “It’s not about you.” But the truth is, sometimes it is.

Only you know what is right for you, as a bereaved parent, through the difficult events in the coming year. But whatever you do, do it with HOPE, knowing that means:

HOPE – Hold On, Pain Eases!

I will never say the pain ends, but it will eventually ease, as we learn how to carry the pain of our loss in a way that doesn’t consume and devour us.

But we will always have moments where it still does, and that is okay.

GPS Hope has made an eBook of the top five blogs of 2018. If you would like your own free copy, just let us know below.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

 

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Three Things a New Year Brings to Grieving Parents

The new year is now upon us. For most people, anything that is new evokes a measure of excitement with possibilities, especially a new year.

But for those who have had to face the darkness of the death of their child, new can bring almost a panicked feeling, as if we are leaving our child behind. This especially applies to the new year for those who lost their child within the past year.

 

My daughter, Becca, died on October 12, 2011. I remember feeling almost terrified that I couldn’t stop 2012 from coming, which meant I would no longer be in the same year I last shared with my daughter. It felt like another level of shutting the door on her life that I just wasn’t going to let happen. I know I don’t have to explain it to those who have lost a child, and it really can’t be explained to those who have not.

Since that time, I have come to learn that the word new doesn’t have to fill our hearts with dread and sadness. But that doesn’t mean we don’t struggle going into a new year. And as we go along, some years can be harder than others, for no apparent reason.

I wanted to share some things that a new year brings to bereaved parents, so that we can know that it isn’t just us, but that the same things affect many of us who have had a child die. It also gives an opportunity for those around us to have a better understanding of what it means for a bereaved parent to go into a new year without our child.

1. We are reminded of our intense need for others to talk about our child
2. We find ourselves with a new resolve to not leave our child behind and to find ways to honor their life
3. We renew our desperate desire for feeling less pain and sadness in our grief

Talking About Our Child

Many people around us seem to think if they bring up our deceased child that it will remind us of our loss, resulting in pain and maybe even tears.

News flash: We are already thinking of our child, and we are still hurting deeply! So, if someone mentions our child, it does just the opposite; it is a gift we are being given that our child has not been forgotten.

The other side of that is not understanding why people get freaked out when we talk about our child. As a parent, just because our child isn’t around us, doesn’t mean we don’t talk about them. It is the same for those of us whose child has died. Our children have just traveled to a place further away than most children who might take a trip. And they won’t be returning to us here; we will be going to meet them some day. But they still exist, they are still deeply loved, and they will remain in our hearts and minds until we are with them again.

The Need to Honor the Life of Our Child

When our child dies, for the first couple of years at least, our hearts are fighting to accept what our minds know. That causes us to be almost fixated on their death, which people around us usually think is wrong and unhealthy.

But the only way we can get through the darkness of our suffocating grief is to lean into it, feeling the pain of it over and over again, as our heart and soul tries to convince our minds that it just isn’t true. The pain of accepting that the death of our child is a reality is just too painful to deal with, so it is an internal struggle that affects us in every area, including mentally and physically. The internal bleeding of our souls takes a long time to be stitched up, so we can begin what would be termed as the “healing process.” (Although we never really heal. It is more like a chronic pain that is always with us. We just learn how to manage it over the years.)

And in that process, we realize we don’t want their death to be what others remember about our child, but we want to find a way that honors the fact that our child lived. (If you would like some ideas on ways to do this, see below.)

Getting Past the Intense Pain and Darkness

Here is where we must be honest with ourselves in whether we want to get past this part of our grief. As we know, there are so many reasons (that won’t make sense to those who have not lost a child) that deep down, cause us to be afraid to take steps toward hope, light, and living a life of purpose and fulfillment. The two most common reasons are that we feel guilty for even wanting to enjoy life again, and we are afraid that we are leaving our child behind by moving forward.

And to help you with that, I would like to give some suggestions to move you in the direction of seeing things with a slightly different view.

1. We aren’t just facing a new year, but it is a new month. And a new month often brings new weather. And because it is January, it means we are moving toward spring! Those of us who are in the cold northern states truly appreciate this. Yes, I understand that winter has just begun, and I know how winter makes everything look so dead (depending on where we live), and it can really affect our mood. However, it is just a season, and new life always returns, no matter how harsh or how long the winter has been.

So, it is a wonderful reminder that no matter how long or how deep into darkness our grief has taken us, spring IS coming at some point, with new life and new hope.

2. A new year brings new opportunities. Some of you may not see that as a good thing, but it does bring new opportunities to do something different that will possibly take some of the sting away. If you know it is going to be difficult, ask yourself what you can do differently that will help. Maybe you can change the focus from dwelling on your painful loss to thinking about your child’s gain and do what you can to picture them in heaven and what it is like for them.

When you have to go to an event you are dreading, what can you do to bring your child with you and have others celebrate their life with you for a moment? (Here is a blog I wrote with specific ideas on how to do that.)

So, it does bring new opportunities to move toward a healing that allows you to learn how to live in hope, light, and even move toward having meaning and purpose again. You may think that is impossible, but those of us who thought it was impossible for us as well are here to encourage you.

3. Sometimes we dread going forward, because we feel like it is taking us further away from our child who has left this earth. I have shared this before, but it is worth repeating. God graciously pointed out to me once (when I was feeling that way) that I am not getting further away from Becca, but I am getting closer to her. Each day I am here brings me one day closer to being reunited with her again!

So, a new year brings us that much closer to seeing our children again. Hoorah!!!!

New is a word that can mean hope.

A new year can bring new hope, new light, new life and new possibilities.

How about you? Do you want to make 2019 a year where you move away from fear and move into peace and a greater measure of healing for your shattered heart? If so, then let’s do this together!

If you would like a list of ideas on how to honor the life of your child, just let us know and we will be happy to send it your way.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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The Support Beam of Grace

When I got off the fifth-floor elevator and turned the corner, I saw what would become a memory forever etched in my mind. Kim was standing in the hallway outside of Becca’s room with that look I’ll never forget. I asked, “Did she make it?” and she just shook her head no and fell into my arms. Kim was twenty-four at the time, but all I saw was my baby girl, hurting that her big sister was gone. I just held her and cried.

While I had my own feelings of finality about losing my first child, my initial thoughts were concern for my family, and I found myself asking God to surround them with His love and comfort.

My eldest son, who grew up often arguing with his big sister, now lost his closest friend and companion. My baby girl in my arms was Becca’s maid of honor and dreamed of the day Becca would be hers. My middle son was thankful that Becca had made his wedding two months earlier, but now she would never meet any of her nieces or nephews that came along. And my youngest son, who was her ring bearer and now sixteen, would never get to have that adult relationship with her.

How was my wife doing? What about Becca’s husband? And how would my granddaughter do, losing her mom at nine years old? All this was swirling through my head as I hugged my kids in the hallway. Of course there was my own pain, but my concern was for my family.

The next several days were a fog as we prepared for a funeral and tried to somehow come to grips with what just happened. It was like living in a foggy black-and-white movie with the exception of some vivid moments that jump out in dull colors in my memory. Each day brought new pain as we looked through photos to prepare for the visitation.

I have written many checks before, but I never dreamed I would be writing a check to pay for my daughter’s burial plot! I could barely see through my tears to sign it.

Yet through all the sorrow, there were moments of great joy as well as we gathered as a family and told funny stories. It was very much an exhausting, emotional roller coaster.

After the funeral, we followed the hearse in the processional across town to the cemetery. There we saw another one of those moments that jumped out of the fog. Seeing our three sons carrying their big sister’s coffin to the gravesite…there are no words to describe it other than this is just wrong!

Only a couple of days after I buried my daughter, it was time to go back to work. It was surreal as I was back in my normal surroundings and the world continued as it always had. Sure, a few people stopped in and gave me their condolences, but for the most part it was like nothing ever happened. I was still coming in and out of this fog. How do I go back to the day-to-day and act like nothing has changed?

It was not easy, and at times I would close my door and allow myself to tear up and grieve some more.

Where Grace Comes In

Grieving is not a sign of weakness, it is a way for us to heal.

I cannot overemphasize how important it was for me to make allowances for my family members, especially my wife, in the way they processed their grief.

We all handle grief in different ways and on different timelines.

My other four children all grieved in different ways and some longer than others. They all still have times when they miss Becca immensely. I encourage all of them to allow each other the space they need to grieve in their own way and not expect the others to grieve in the same way they themselves do.

Personally, I don’t always want to talk about it. I prefer keeping my feelings to myself, except with a few close people. My wife, on the other hand, seems to wear her grief on her sleeve. Laura would post all sorts of feelings on Facebook those first few years. I would every so often, but nothing like she did (or still does). I know it makes some people uncomfortable, even though she always points to God as her source of strength. I would sometimes think, “Is this normal or is my wife having some major issues here?”

Laura has one of the closest relationships to God of anyone I know. She amazes me with her insight, yet here she was struggling with so much intense pain, even though she knew without a doubt where Becca was and the glory she was experiencing. Was it normal for this to be so hard and go on so long? Truth is, absolutely!

I believe that, as devastating as the loss of a child is to a father, it is even more intense for a mother. There is no other relationship on earth like that of a mother and her child. We all know and understand how she carries that child for up to nine months in her womb.

But what we often miss is that not only is she carrying the body of another human being, but she is carrying inside her the very soul and spirit of that human being! Once that baby is born, the umbilical cord is cut and the child’s body is separated from mommy, but I believe that soul tie and spiritual connection is never cut.

I think often as men we want to get past difficult things quickly and then “get on with life,” at least to one degree or another. But for the mothers, I believe in many cases, if not most, it will take months and even years, to “get on with life” the way we imagine they should.

It has occurred to me that often people, myself included, criticize those who post too many feelings on Facebook. I wonder, though, what we would think of King David’s posts if he were one of our “friends.” The Psalms look quite a bit like some Facebook postings, and they are plastered with his feelings!

Losing a child is like an amputation. A part of your very being has been cut off from you. You will never be the same, but you can learn to function again.

When Becca had her amputation as a toddler, it was one of the most traumatic things her little body could go through. There were times when she would feel phantom pains. It took a while for the body and brain to get used to missing that leg. It took time and strength and the will to carry on, but Becca learned to live her life, forever changed, but an amazing life anyway. She had a calling on her life, and losing that leg was not going to stop her.

It can be the same way after losing a child. It can be the most horrific thing to go through. It takes time to heal. It takes time to learn how to function without our child. But even though a part of us has died with them, we can live life again.

The effects of that loss will always be there, but God loves each of us so very deeply and He still has a purpose for each of us. Just like little Becca, in time, we can go on with an amazing life that can touch others. We are forever changed by the loss, but also forever changed by the inheritance our children left us.

 

This article was adapted from Chapter 15 of When Tragedy Strikes. We hope this has given you some new insight as the door was opened just a crack, to see what it is like for a parent who has lost a child.

If this tugged at your heart and you would like to find out how to partner with Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) in ministering to parents who have lost a child, providing free resources that give hope, light and purpose without judgment or shame in their long grief journey, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

 

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Looking Out the Window of Fear

Fear brings torment, and as parents grieving the earthly loss of our child, it is easy to feel the full weight of that torment.

What are some of those fears?

• That going forward with your life will cause those around you to forget your child ever lived
• That there will be moments when you don’t think about or even miss your child
• That laughing or having fun without your child means you’re a bad parent
• That you may lose your other children, making it hard to let them go (either out of your sight or to grow up and be on their own)
• That your child may not be in heaven     

If we are afraid of something, it means that thing has more power over us than we do over it. So, if we are afraid to face the pain of our grief and work our way through it, our fear will continue to control us.

There is something much more powerful than our deepest fears: God’s love for us! God’s perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). If we have fear, it is because we don’t believe in His perfect love for us. And that’s understandable, because it is hard to reconcile in our minds how we can trust a God who says He loves us and yet allowed this terrible thing to happen to our child and to us.

I can offer no easy fix or solution to this, although it is very black-and-white. We either believe God is good and Satan is evil, or we don’t. We either fear that God isn’t big enough or we have faith that He is more than enough.

Making a Shift in How You See God

I want to share with you a few things to help make a shift in how you see God in the midst of your fears, caused by the pain of your tragedy.

1.  Some parents are helped by the realization that their child is not missing; he or she is simply absent.

To be absent means not to be present for the moment. The Bible says that for someone who has accepted the gift of salvation, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:8).

This is one of those times where perspective can change everything. I can either focus on my personal loss that my child is absent from this earth, or I can focus on the fact that my child is present with the Lord. My daughter, Becca, is absent from my presence for now, but not forever.

2. Reading the book of Psalms in the Bible can be extremely helpful.

Over and over the writer cries out for help from a very dark place of despair. And God responds by being a rock, a refuge and help in times of need. I spend a lot of time there when I “relapse” and find myself struggling with the pain and reality that Becca is gone from this earth and I won’t see her again until I join her in heaven.

3. Don’t keep looking back, allowing yourself to be paralyzed by the pain.

I am so sorry to say this, and I am not trying to be cruel, but simply want to set you free; no matter how much you want your child’s life back, it isn’t going to happen. I did that, and here is what God spoke to me one day.

Laura, DON’T LOOK BACK! Go forward with everything you’ve got! Lot’s wife looked back and she was frozen to a place where she died. She could not go anywhere because she looked back. I know that may seem harsh, but it will become a tormenting fear that will paralyze you. Don’t look back at the crushing; if you look back to ponder and relive the death, you won’t be able to walk in the power of My resurrection life… You will grow stronger in it each day you come up to Me to drink. Drink daily. Drink deeply. For it will truly be a wellspring of life in you and through you.

I have made the choice to refuse to remain focused on the pain of my loss. I am determined to go forward, focused on who and what I still have. I have given God the shattered pieces of my life and am watching Him not only fix it but make it into something that is actually beautiful. Only a God who specializes in miracles can do that!

I also refuse to live in fear of the “what ifs” of more loss. If that happens, I know that I know that I know God will give me the grace I need to get through it. Why waste my time on the darkness of fearing what will probably never happen? I would much rather live my life full of light and hope of a better tomorrow, both here on earth and in my eternal home with Becca. You and I both are blessed with so much that has not been taken from us. Most of us know that in our heads and are waiting for our hearts to catch up.

What fears are you carrying right now? Are they things God would have you carry? Let me answer that for you. No, they are not. So, are you willing to lay them down at the feet of Jesus, who is sitting on His throne as King, and leave them there so you can move forward in freedom?

Fear and faith have the same root, which is belief in the unknown.

Which “unknown” are you going to start believing in and acting on? I recommend faith.

 

This article is adapted from Chapter 8 of the book When Tragedy Strikes. To receive the full chapter, which includes discussing the fear of our child not being in heaven, simply submit your name and email address and it will be sent directly to you immediately.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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