I have heard from so many siblings, “I lost my mom and dad when I lost my brother” (or sister).

As parents, our grief is so consuming, we often cannot see how it is affecting our children who are still alive.

In my previous article Dealing with Sibling Grief after the Death of Your Child, my emphasis was on why the death of our child affects our other children so deeply. (If you have not read the previous article you may want to click on the link to read it before continuing.)

In this blog, we will look at some of the things we can do to help them process their grief, even within our own darkness.

First, we need to realize that each sibling loss is as unique and individual as it is for us as parents losing our child. That also applies to how the siblings will deal with their grief. Just like there is no wrong way for us to grieve as parents, there is no wrong way for them to grieve, although they may need more help in directing it appropriately or need some counseling.

It will be important to be sensitive to where your children are in their grief and do what you can to help. You cannot have the attitude that your grief is more important than your child’s, and therefore what you need comes first. That is very destructive, both short-term and long-term. (Yes, there is truth to “put on your own oxygen mask first to be able to assist others,” but that is not what I am talking about.)

For example, when all the physical reminders of the child who died are put away, surviving children who have memories of their deceased sibling may be confused and upset by the disappearance of their brother’s or sister’s belongings. They may feel guilty for wanting the things in sight or for remembering their sibling.

If you just can’t be around these reminders yet, look for ways that your children can keep some mementos where you won’t see them.

But the opposite might also happen. When a point is made that everything is to be left exactly as it was when your child died, the siblings may be confused about why, especially if they want and need to touch or hold something for comfort, or could get the message that the dead sibling was more valuable to you than they are.

Also, be conscious of how much of a “shrine” you make for your deceased child in a prominent place in the home. I know one of our greatest fears is that people will forget our child, and we are determined not to let that happen. But when we have a full display in a place where everyone is forced to see it, some children (including teens and adults) receive the wrong message, that the sibling who died is more important than your children who are still alive and part of your life. They can feel pushed out and worthless, and even start to think maybe they should be dead, too.

I understand when we have children still with us, we have them, but all we have left are pictures, mementos and memories of the one who died. But sibling rivalry is real, and how can siblings compete with someone who is now gone and being idolized?

When I realized this, I turned my “Becca” wall into a my “children” wall. She is there, along with special mementos, but so are my other children with special things from them. We are still a family, and as much as it hurts, Becca no longer being with us doesn’t make her more important than her sister and brothers. I do have a light above the shadowbox with the butterfly photo which was placed on her hospital door when she died, that I turn on for holidays and her birthday and sunset day, which allows me to acknowledge her missed absence.

If something like that just won’t work for you, I suggest placing your special remembrance area where your other children are less apt to see it, such as a trunk at the foot of you bed that you can open and see the contents. Or clear out a section of your bedroom closet and make a display so you can easily look at the special pictures and mementos of your child whenever you need to.

Some children have a hard time participating in things that trigger a reminder of who they lost. It may be difficult for them to return to the bedroom they shared with their sibling who is now gone. They might not want to play Little League anymore because their sibling is no longer around to practice in the back yard with them. That’s okay. They need grace to work through their grief, just like we do. You are going to need wisdom on whether or not it is a good idea to force them to do those things. As you already know, there is no “one size fits all” in this dark and difficult situation.

Routines are another thing that can be affected. Some children will need the same routine (as much as possible) after the death of their sibling. Others just won’t be able to keep a routine for a while that reminds them of their loss, especially if it was something they used to always do together with their brother or sister.

If at all possible, I suggest trying to include the siblings in some of the decision making, in ways that are appropriate to their age. Find out things like: Does there need to be a change in household chores? Do they want to start something new, like learning an instrument? Do they want a new bedspread (or maybe their sibling’s bedspread)? Do they need to stop dance lessons for a while, if they took lessons with their sister?

Do they want to find a way to feel close to their sibling? If that is the case, here are some suggestions:

1. Have their sibling’s sweatshirt made into a teddy bear that they sleep with at night
2. Carry their brother or sister’s picture with them
3. Wear their sibling’s clothes or jewelry
4. Listen to music that reminds them of their sibling
5. Two of my older children got significant personalized tattoos (we signed permission papers for our 16-year-old)

Sibling grief can be very complicated, because they often have very complicated relationships. Sisters and brothers experience a range of sometimes conflicting feelings for each other. They may love and look up to one another. Older siblings may feel responsible for, enjoy and/or resent caring for younger ones. They may be jealous and fight. And their relationships can change over time.

When a sibling dies, these past relationships and feelings can affect the surviving child’s grief and the entire family’s bereavement process.

What I hear from parents the most is the pain of wanting their children to talk with them and have conversations about the one who is no longer with them. May times the kids just don’t want to talk, and the parents are very upset and don’t understand why.

A couple of years ago, I got to sit in on some conference sessions where siblings shared how they dealt with their loss. Some needed to get away to figure out who they were without the influence of that sibling anymore (to find their new identity). Many of them felt a need to make new friends with people who didn’t know they had lost a sibling. Often, they didn’t want to (and wouldn’t) come home to the painful reminders of their loss. Some admittedly went off the deep end and got into things they shouldn’t have. But they eventually they found their way back to their parents and relationships were restored. (I have personally found that to be true as well.)

We will discuss this further, along with other specific issues your children may be having, and what you can do to help them, in the third and final article on this subject of sibling loss.

 

If you would like a free PDF version of the book  From Ring Bearer to Pallbearer: Giving a Voice to Bereaved Siblings and Grandparents (exclusively from GPS Hope) just click here to be taken to our free membership library where you can sign up to become a member and access the book and many other helpful resources.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.

 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.  

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

 

“I think you wish I had died instead of Becca!” What a shocking statement made to me by my daughter, several months after her sister’s death. Others of you have similar stories of how deeply your children are struggling, and how hard it is on the family.

I have had several requests to write about helping our children who are grieving the loss of their sibling. So, the next two or three articles will be devoted to this subject. What I will be sharing with you is based on:

1. What I have learned through personal experience with my own four children after the death of their sister
2. Talking to others (especially bereaved siblings)
3. What I have studied, starting about three years into my own journey

I am not a counselor, nor do I have all the answers. I think you can agree that this is a huge subject to tackle, and my prayer is that you will find a few things that are helpful with some of the concerns you may be facing with your children.

Siblings are called the forgotten mourners. If they are younger, they may be told something like, “Be good for your mom. She’s really hurting right now.” If he or she is older, they are probably asked, “How is your mom doing? This must be really hard on her!” People seem to be oblivious to the fact that the siblings are in deep grief themselves.

It is said, “When you lose a parent you lose your past. When you lose a child, you lose your future. When you lose a sibling, you lose both.”

Siblings play a big role and are meant to be the longest relationship in your life. When a sibling dies, the ones left behind lose one of the only people who shared a complete history with them. If they just had the one sibling, they lost the only person who shares the same history, and have even more layers of grief to work through.

Just some of the things these siblings are grieving are:

• the loss of future plans together
• the opportunity to grow old with someone who knew them at every stage in life
• watching their own children grow up together as cousins
• burying their parents together
• many lose a best friend (no matter the age)

I have to say that my heart goes out to my daughter every time I see something that is for sisters (like a picture frame). It is painful to see reminders that she was robbed of that relationship, knowing how often she deeply misses her big sister.

Bereaved siblings find they are constantly in the shadow of the sibling who passed, and it can put a lot of pressure on them. You, the parents, are grieving, the rest of your family is grieving, and siblings can feel pressure (imagined or not) to keep everyone together.

Sibling loss changes a person in so many ways. Just like us as parents, they will never be the same. And just like us, they continue to think about their sibling, particularly during anniversary dates, such as graduations, weddings, birthdays, holidays and other milestones in their own personal lives, painfully aware that their brother or sister is not by their side, sharing the special occasion.

And also, just like us, each child grieves in different ways, for different lengths of time. They are each on their own unique journey, because they had their own unique relationship with the lost sibling.

My oldest three were adults when their oldest sister died. My eldest son constantly affirmed his love for me, and would give me flowers, trying to help ease my loss. I also remember him throwing himself across our bed and just sobbing at how much he missed his sister. My daughter totally walked out on the family, replacing us with another family for about four years. (She is back with us now.) My middle son was newly married (two months) and was focused on his new wife and starting a family. My youngest son was sixteen when he lost his sister, and it really messed with him. He almost didn’t graduate, and is still struggling, angry that he never got to know his sister as an adult like his three siblings did.

Another issue we deal with, both as bereaved parents and siblings, are the innocent questions that can be painful to answer, such as, “How many brothers or sisters do you have?” If your child is young, you may need to help them figure out how to answer that, without insisting they always include their deceased sibling. They may find it most comfortable to answer it differently at times, based on the circumstance, which is okay. It can also change as they grow older, which is okay as well. Don’t take the way they need to answer that question as denial, lack of love or forgetting. Losing a sibling is different than losing a child, and their identity will be shifting with their loss. They need to figure this out based on their own needs, not ours.

The loss of a sibling leads to changes in the family structure in a major way. For one thing, it usually wreaks havoc with the birth order. Our daughter was the oldest, and it completely changed everything for her siblings in their established sibling “roles.” (It has also been very unnerving and sobering for each one as they become older than their oldest sister, who is forever twenty-nine.) Your child might have suddenly become the only daughter, or the only son. He or she may have just become an only child, which totally changes the dynamics and has a whole other set of huge issues for them to have to work through in their deep grief.

Up to this point, I have mostly been sharing why the death of our child affects our other children so deeply. (So often we are so consumed by our own grief, we can’t see why or how those closest to us are also deeply affected.)

In the next article, we will start looking at some of the things we can do to help them process their grief, even within our own darkness.

If you would like a free PDF version of the book  From Ring Bearer to Pallbearer: Giving a Voice to Bereaved Siblings and Grandparents (exclusively from GPS Hope) just click here to be taken to our free membership library where you can sign up to become a member and access the book and many other helpful resources.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.

 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

I have written many checks before, but I never dreamed I would be writing a check to pay for my daughter’s burial plot! I could barely see through my tears to sign it.

A few days after Becca’s funeral, it was time to go back to work. It was surreal as I was back in my normal surroundings and the world continued as it always had. Sure, a few people stopped in and gave me their condolences, but for the most part it was like nothing ever happened. I was still coming in and out of this fog. How do I go back to the day-to-day and act like nothing has changed?

I believe most of us men tend to compartmentalize everything in our minds, almost as if everything in life has its own little box and we only take out one box at time. For the most part, I was able to take out my work box and stay there, but grief had just shattered my “Becca box” into a million pieces. I tried to sweep my grief into a grief box, but the problem with grief is that it cannot stay in a box! Somehow those shattered pieces find a way into all the other boxes. These pieces tend to appear out of nowhere and not always at convenient times.

It was not easy, and at times I would close my door and allow myself to tear up and grieve some more. So if you’re reading this and you’re a father who has lost a child and you tend to compartmentalize, I encourage you to allow yourself those moments to grieve. Grieving is not a sign of weakness, it is a way for us to heal.

Even within my own deep painful loss, as a husband and father, I quickly learned how vitally important it was for me to make allowances for my family members, especially my wife, in the way they processed their grief.

We all handle grief in different ways and on different timelines. My other four children all grieved in different ways and some longer than others. They all still have times when they miss Becca immensely. I encourage all of them to allow each other the space they need to grieve in their own way and not expect the others to grieve in the same way they themselves do.

This is especially true for us husbands in regard to our wives. If you are like me, as I suspect many men are, I didn’t always want to talk about it. I preferred to keep my feelings to myself, except with a few close people.

My wife, on the other hand, seemed to wear her grief on her sleeve. Laura would post all sorts of feelings on Facebook. I would every so often, but nothing like she did those first couple of years. (So much so that I knew it made some people uncomfortable, even though she always pointed to God as her source of strength.) I would sometimes think is this normal or is my wife having some major issues here?

Laura has the closest relationship to God of anyone I know. She amazes me with her insight, yet here she was struggling, even though she knew without a doubt where Becca was and the glory she was experiencing. Was it normal for this to be so hard and go on so long?

Truth is, absolutely! Pretty much everything is “normal” when it comes to grieving the death of our child, it seems.

At one point it occurred to me that often people, myself included, criticize those who post too many feelings on Facebook. I wonder, though, what we would think of King David’s posts if he were one of our “friends.” The Psalms look quite a bit like some Facebook postings, and they are plastered with his feelings!

If you are a father who has faced the death of your child, and you are frustrated that your wife is still deeply struggling, let me be very real with you here. In most cases, it will take our wives months or years to “get on with life” the way we imagine they should. It isn’t our place to determine what that looks like; ours is to simply love, care for, and protect her during this time, however long it may be.

All holidays bring some difficulty as we celebrate Christmas, New Year’s, and family birthdays including hers. My first Father’s Day after Becca died was especially difficult for me. Becca was the child who made me a daddy when I adopted her at the age of two. I vividly remember her bringing me donuts for breakfast in bed for my first Father’s Day.

Now, this day was my first one without her. I had four other children whom I loved dearly and spent the day with, but I needed to spend time at her graveside that day as well. It was probably the longest time I ever stayed out there. Just reminiscing, crying tears of pain that she wasn’t with us anymore, tears of joy for all the funny memories. I needed to allow myself that time of grief.

More people are starting to acknowledge the loss of a child on Mother’s Day. Not as many think of bereaved dads on Father’s Day.

I want to recognize how difficult this day can be for you. It is probably one of the most difficult of all “dates” for me regarding the loss of my daughter, Becca. One thing I do on Father’s Day is to ask God to tell her how much I love and miss her and to give her a big hug and kiss from me. I have no doubt He does that for me and will for you, too.

I honor you this Father’s Day and pray that you will feel the love of our Heavenly Father’s arms around you. Laura and I want you to know you have our hearts and our prayers.

 

This article was taken from Dave’s chapter in the book When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life With Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child.  If you would like a PDF of the complete chapter, please submit your information below. You and your email address are safe with us and will not be given out to anyone.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.

We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.

Dave Diehl is the cofounder and technical administrator of GPS Hope. His wife, Laura, is an author as well as a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

If you have recently lost your child from this earth, we know there is just no way to put into words the swirling emotions, the suffocating darkness and the crushing pain.

Our guess is that people were so wonderfully supportive for the first few days and even a few weeks. But at some point, everyone else’s life has gone back to normal, and you just want to scream at them, because your life is still at a screeching halt.

We get it.

If you have faced a deep loss before, grieving the death of your child may seem so much worse, and you think you are going crazy.

If you have never lost someone close before, you probably realize you have no grid for your grief, but you must be going crazy.

Either way, you may have times where you find you are literally forgetting to breathe, and have to remind yourself to take a breath. Your body is out of whack; your mind is full and empty at the same time. Your sleep is off. Often times you can’t stop crying, and it might even seem like everything around you looks gray and colorless. You can forget things, even as simple as how to peel an orange or find yourself panicking because you suddenly forgot how to get home from the store you have shopped at for ten years. You don’t know how you can go on living, and probably don’t want to, which makes no sense to your mind if you are happily married or have other children still here. You are barely in survival mode, and don’t think it is possible to get out of the darkness, much less to a place of wanting to live without your child, and impossible to have a life with purpose and meaning ever again.

Let me assure you, all of this is normal. Once again, those of us who have traveled this road ahead of you have felt all of that ourselves.

People who have not faced the loss of a child may tell you that you need to move on, that you need to get past it, or that you need to find a way to have closure. These are all people who don’t want to see you in so much pain, and they mean well, but to say it bluntly, they don’t know what they’re talking about.

• Your child will always be a part of you, so you won’t be “moving on.”
• Only having the precious memories of your child instead of your child makes it impossible to “get past it.”
• Having your future taken from you in the love and legacy of your child means there will not be “closure.”

HOWEVER….

It is possible to have hope in the midst of your intense pain.

It is possible to have light break through the darkness.

It is possible to laugh and have joy in your life in a new way.

It is possible to live a life of meaning and purpose again.

Not only is it possible, but it is probable, if you stay connected with bereaved parents who are living in that place.

Here at Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope), you will find this is a safe place for all of your emotions, all of your questions, your anger, and everything else that comes with grieving the death of your child. We are not just here for you, but we are here to walk with you, for as long as it takes for you to come out the other side with all of those things listed above that we ourselves have found.

And this will not be in spite of the loss of your child, but in honor of the life of your child.

It will probably take longer than you want it to. That’s okay. You have had an amputation. A part of your very being has been cut off. Give yourself lots and lots of grace and allow yourself lots and lots of time (even if those around you don’t). You can eventually learn to live with that piece of you missing, but there will be constant reminders and new situations causing you to stumble for the rest of your life. (Some of us call them grief attacks.)

Sometimes you will be forced to give in to your limitations of grief. Sometimes you will learn how to work around it. And yes, there will be times you will be able to soar above it. There is no right or wrong way. It is whatever way works for you at that moment in time.

But for now, just rest, knowing that you are surrounded by bereaved parents who have been right where you are, and that you have our hearts, our love and our prayers.

We also want you to know:

• You must go through this; there is no way around it.
• There is no timetable.
• There are no “grief stages” you have to work your way through.
• Moving forward does not mean you are leaving your child behind.
• Anything under five years for the death of one’s child is considered fresh grief.
• The death of one’s child is considered a trauma, and what you are feeling and thinking is normal.
• You will survive.
• You are not alone!

We understand, and will walk with you, to help you find your way out of the darkness and into a place of light and a life with meaning and purpose once again, BECAUSE of your child’s life, not in spite of their death. It won’t be easy, but hang on to the hope that it can be done.

Please be sure to visit our Wall of Remembrance, and have your child added!

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

I was unaware of this until last year. It happens on the first Sunday in May each year, the week before Mother’s Day, as a special day to have our child, and our never-ending grief, acknowledged.

Many bereaved moms will draw or paint a heart on their hand on this day, writing their child’s name inside of it, to remind those around us that every day we still carry the love for our missing child in our hearts.

To me, having a day set aside like this is also a way to have a day that doesn’t take as much away from my other children wanting to celebrate my being their mother the following week. It kind of frees up my aching heart, since I am able to celebrate being Becca’s mom the week before Mother’s Day, while also allowing myself to lean into the painful reoccurring “fresh” grief this time of year.

This day was started by Carlie Marie in Australia, based on the death of her son, Christian, whom she gave birth to, knowing he had already died in her womb a few weeks previously. She says, “In 2010 I felt drawn to create International Bereaved Mother’s Day to help heal hurting Mother Hearts. International Bereaved Mother’s Day is intended to be a temporary movement. It is a heart centered attempt at healing the official Mother’s Day for all mothers. I believe that we can do this and that sometime in the near future there will be no need for this day at all because all true mothers will be recognized, loved, supported and celebrated.”

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want this to be a temporary movement. Yes, it would be wonderful if Mother’s Day was handled differently by most of the people around us. But it is also wonderful to have a special day set aside for all of us mothers who have a child no longer here with us; a day set aside to share our child with family and friends, to make sure he or she is never forgotten by others.

If you are a bereaved mother:

I encourage you to take advantage of this day, Sunday, May 6^th. Do whatever you want or need to do, to acknowledge the love you have for your child as a bereaved mom. If family and friends will join you, great! If not, WE will join you. We would love to have you share your child with us in the comments below the blog.

You can also go to our Facebook page and share your child with us there. Post a favorite photo of the two of you together, a picture of the heart drawn on your hand with his or her name in it, what you miss about them… whatever you want to share!

If you know a bereaved mother:

Many people think if they were to acknowledge the death of her child, it would make her upset with them for bringing up her child and her painful loss. The fact is, the exact opposite is true.

One of our greatest fears is that people will forget our child existed, so acknowledging our child and giving us an opportunity to talk about him or her is one of the greatest gifts you could ever give us!

• So, give her a big hug on International Bereaved Mother’s Day this Sunday (even if it has to be a virtual hug).  
• Please make time and give her the precious gift of an opportunity to share her child with you.
• And then listen, and love on her as she loves on her child whom she will always carry deeply in her heart, just like every mother does.

And be aware that if you see a woman with a heart drawn on her hand in the next few days with a name inside of it, she is showing an outward symbol of an inward fact: we will continue to carry the love for that child in our hearts until the day we ourselves die and leave this earth.

Unfortunately, Mother’s Day can be a day with so many mixed and painful emotions, as many people are reminded of the earthly loss of their mothers or their children. If that is you, I am very sorry. My heart goes out to you.

And I especially pray that God will give each of you precious moms who have had to live through the death of your child, a beautiful day of sacred joy within the grief of remembering your precious child this Sunday, on International Bereaved Mother’s Day.

 

Did you know that GPS Hope has a free member’s library, with lots of resources for a grieving parent? To be able to access these items, click here.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.

We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.