A point of frustration for many bereaved parents after child loss is feeling like we are being judged for still missing our children.

There are some people around us who think we should be “moving on” or be “over it” by now, as if the death of our child is like a bad cold. Yes, the death of our child was an event, a moment in time. But that moment has disfigured us for the rest of our lives.

Having one’s child die is more than something bad that happened a few weeks ago, or months ago, or even years ago. The death of our child is a continual occurrence. Every morning when we wake up, at some point the realization hits us that our child is no longer here and will not be part of our day. It can feel like they died all over again.

Every event can feel like another death of our child.

• Getting rid of a car that our child rode in can be agonizing because we will no longer have that car which attaches us to those memories.
• There are meals we can no longer make (or eat) because it is too painful to be reminded that our child is not there to share their favorite food with us.
• Seeing a pair of shoes displayed in a store can send us bolting to the car in tears, realizing that we will never again buy our child another pair for a sport they were in or for special occasions.
• Hearing a certain song come on the radio can force us to the side of the road, unable to drive because we can’t see through our tears, even after we quickly turned it off.
• Any and every event we attend (or are even invited to) is a reminder of who is missing. It can feel brutal seeing others who are our child’s age hitting life’s milestones that we will never get to experience with our child.

The death of one’s child is considered by most professionals to be one of the most (if not the most) traumatic event a person can deal with in life. Many parents also deal with PTSD, based on the circumstances of their child’s death.

I don’t think anyone can deny that it is a traumatic experience to walk behind your child’s casket and bury them, or to bring your child home as ashes in an urn. And for those parents who found their child’s body, or many other possible scenarios, they can also have PTSD.

Most of us are not stuck in our grief because we refuse to move on with our lives without our child. We are “stuck” because of being surrounded by constant reminders of our child who should be here as part of our everyday lives, but instead there is silence and a constant emptiness.

We do eventually learn to cope, but we don’t “get over it.”

If someone has an amputation, first they must heal, both physically and emotionally, from having that body part cut off; and the emotional healing takes much longer than the physical.

Then they must learn how to function and do everything differently with that part of them missing. Even when that happens, they are reminded multiple times a day that a body part has been cut off, because of how they are forced to live differently, in a way that helps them adapt to the loss.

Some days it is easy, some days it is a struggle to stay positive, and other days it hits them full force (almost like it just took place), no matter how long ago the amputation happened.

How do I know this? Our daughter, Becca, had her left leg amputated at only three years old because of cancer, so we had a front row seat to an amputee living day-to-day life.

As a bereaved parent, we have had our child amputated from us, and everything that an amputee must go through, we do as well. However, the emotional pain is multiplied and much more intense losing an entire person who is part of you, than losing something that is physically part of you, like a leg or an arm.

Several years ago, when I was working on one of my books, I was accused by someone that I was writing it as a way to continue dragging up the past instead of going forward. Wow!  First, I was writing the book to give hope to others who found themselves in the same suffocating pit that I had been thrown into, letting them know we can find our way out. Secondly, it was not dragging up the past; it was helping me learn how to cope with living in the present and in the future without my daughter.

Studies have shown that for those who have lost a child, anything under five years is considered fresh grief. So, I am not surprised when a bereaved parent does not believe they will ever have a life worth living again. I know I didn’t believe it.

However, we do eventually get stronger as we learn how to carry the grief in a way that does not feel like a heavy darkness every minute of the day. We will never get over our loss as if it never happened. That is impossible. But we can and will get over to the other side of the darkness, able to live a life of meaning and purpose again. This is not in spite of our child’s death, but because of his or her life.

 

This blog was taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 194, which has more shared on this topic. You can listen here on YouTube. To listen directly on the GPS Hope website click here or find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

NOTE: Some of this was taken from Laura’s book Come Grieve Through Our Eyes: How to Give Comfort and Support to Bereaved Parents. To find out more about this book, along with Laura’s other books click here.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

• Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 
• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on our private Facebook page or our public Facebook page. 
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

 

It seems everywhere I turn I see someone talking about their goals for the new year or sharing how to make sure you keep those goals and new year’s resolutions.

If your goal for this year is just to survive, like it was for me those first couple of years after my daughter died (or maybe you are ready to go beyond just surviving but are not sure how), here are five ways to help do that, using G.R.I.E.F.

G – Give yourself lots of grace. Don’t compare where you are on your journey with others. Don’t put yourself on a timetable. Don’t expect too much from yourself, because you are going to be forgetful, and you will feel like you are crying all the time. Be kind to yourself.

R– Release yourself from the guilt, especially the “should haves,” and “if onlys.” If you had a friend who was blaming themselves for their child’s death, you would tell them not to. That is a terrible burden for your friend to put on themselves, so do not do it to yourself.

I– Ignore those who want to try to fix you. They mean well, but if they have not lost a child, they cannot possibly know what you should or should not be doing. People who have not faced the loss of a child may tell you that you need to move on, that you need to get past it, or that you need to find a way to have closure. These are all people who do not want to see you in so much pain, and they mean well, but to say it bluntly, they don’t know what they are talking about.

E – Engage with other pareavors. We can help you know that everything that you are thinking and feeling is normal. We can be your hope for you when you don’t have your own, be a light in your place of darkness, and can be an encouragement that you can learn to live a life of meaning and purpose again. Pareavors need each other; to have others around them who “get it.”

F – Find a way to honor the life of your child. The ways we can honor our children are endless. Finding a way to honor the life of your child will help in not staying stuck in their death, which was a moment in time; an important and devastating moment for sure. But I don’t want to live my life from the position of “My daughter died.” I want to figure out how to live from “My daughter lived, and her life mattered.”

I realize that none of these five things specifically brought God into the process, but that is because God needs to be woven into each one of these.

You can give yourself grace because God is giving you grace.

You need to release yourself from guilt because God is not holding anything against you. In fact, Jesus paid a very high price – his own life – to make sure that you are released from all shame and all guilt. Holding on to your guilt is like denying that Jesus went to the cross and died for you.

You can ignore others who are trying to fix you because God is the only one who can take the shattered pieces of your heart and bring them back together.

Just like the Holy Spirit led you to this blog, He wants to help you connect and engage with other pareavors who can walk this journey with you so they can be His words of hope and His arms of love wrapped around you.

And God has already made a path for you to walk on that will help you find ways to honor your child while giving you a life of meaning and purpose.

I used to have what almost felt like panic attacks when I would think about getting further and further away from Becca…. Two years, five years, ten, twenty years…. I could barely breathe, thinking about it. But one day the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart saying: You are not getting further away from her. Each day brings you closer to seeing her again.

You can survive this year, and you will. Just hold on and take one day, one hour, one breath at a time. By this time next year, you will be one year closer to being with your child again!

This blog was taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 193, which has more shared on this topic. You can listen here on YouTube. To listen directly on the GPS Hope website click here or find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

NOTE: This is the September 30^th entry in my newest book that will be coming out soon. It is a full year of daily readings, along with a short reflection and an appropriate Bible verse for each day. Click here to find out more.

If you would like a printable PDF of G.R.I.E.F to put somewhere as a reminder, we would be happy to send it to you. Just let us know below.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

• Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 
• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on our private Facebook page or our public Facebook page. 
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

Twas the night after Christmas and I was still numb;

The holidays felt like they had not really come.

It’s hard to explain, but it didn’t seem fair,

That my child is now gone, and I cannot share

The laughter and joy of this fun holiday

In our wonderful, traditional family way.

She is not nestled all snug in her bed

With memories of another Christmas filling her head.

“Will it ever get better?” I ask in my heart,

Knowing that each year we will remain apart.

As I cry out to God full of heartache and tears,

He reminds me His presence remains very near.

And though I don’t feel a desire to celebrate 

The reason to do so remains very great.

For Jesus came as a baby on earth

To give life here meaning, value and worth.

And even though I have said goodbye

And I am confused and don’t know why,

The truth remains I will see you again

And there will be no more tears or pain.

But until that day comes and it’s my turn to go

There is one thing that I certainly know,

The love that I have for you is without measure

And you remain in my heart, as a beautiful treasure.

And while dreading to go into a year that is new

I realize each day brings me closer to you.

My Christmas may not have been merry and bright,

But because Jesus came, someday, it will all be made right.

(by author Laura Diehl)

 

If you would like to hear Laura read this poem she wrote click here.

If would like a nice printable copy click here. (This will also allow you to start getting the Weekly Word of Hope email from Laura, from which you can unsubscribe at any time.)

Be sure to share to use the share buttons to pass this on to others who might be touched by it.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

• Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 
• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on our private Facebook page or our public Facebook page. 
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

This can be a very controversial topic in the Body of Christ, but I think it is an extremely important one to tackle, which is discussing whether our children can give us signs that they are around at times. I have many pareavors ask me if I think our children can hang around us after they die. Many occasionally “feel” their child’s presence or even have visible, tangible signs that their child’s spirit is there.

Let me say that what matters much more than what I think, is what God has to say about it.

I am going to share what I personally see and have studied in scripture, and yes, I am an ordained minister and have been since 2009, if that makes any difference to anyone.

No one has a perfect revelation of ALL truth. We each need to pray through the questions we have for God, trusting that if we are seeking truth, that is what we are going to find. We can take this even further. Since we know that Jesus Himself IS truth, that is WHO we are going to find when we are seeking truth with a pure heart.

The greatest power in deception is that we do not know that we are being deceived. I don’t know about you, but I believe God’s power is far greater than the enemy’s power. That means God’s power to draw us to Himself is greater than the enemy’s power to deceive us, when we are seeking Him, seeking His kingdom, and seeking truth through the indwelling wisdom of the Holy Spirit.

So, with that, let’s take a small dip into this huge topic.

First, let me share that I am not talking about going to a psychic, or one who “channels” the dead and speaks on behalf of the dead loved one. God makes it very clear that we are NOT to go to mediums or try to call up the dead (Deuteronomy 18:9-11). That is dangerous and opens the door for the demonic realm to approach and deceive us, letting darkness have an influence in our lives disguised as light and hope. I talk about this in detail, including the why (which is God’s way of protecting us), in this week’s podcast episode. Click here to listen.

I do believe it is possible that our children’s spirits have opportunities to visit us, for the specific purpose of bringing comfort, peace, or whatever our need is for that moment. And there are places in the Bible that support this.

Let me just share one of those here.

Many Christians will quote 2 Corinthians 5:8 as a way of saying that does not happen, which says to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. They say this verse means that when we die, we leave our bodies behind and our spirit immediately goes to heaven and stays there, like there is some kind of barrier that keeps them from being able to return.

But are you aware of what it says right before that? Verse six states that while we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord.

Hmmm…. If we take that literally, it means that as long as we are still in our bodies, we cannot be with the Lord; that we cannot connect to Him. Obviously, that is not what this verse means. God is a Spirit being. We are all spirit beings. Here on earth though, we still have our shell, our body, which houses and limits our spirits. Once we shed this body, our spirit being is no longer housed or limited to being where our body is.

So, since our spirit is already connected to His spirit, and we know that being in our body means we are only separated from the Lord in a physical sense, then wouldn’t 2 Corinthians 5:8 be referring to that? May I point out that verse eight does not say that we are only with the Lord and we will be bound and limited to heaven. I believe this section of scripture is letting us know that the shedding of our body means we are now free from the limitations of being earth-bound beings, and we will be able to be fully with the Lord because we will then be fully in the spirit realm. We may have the perspective that we can only be in heaven as spirit beings, but when you look at 2 Corinthians 5:8 in context, it cannot support that perspective.

Don’t take my word for it, or anyone else’s for that matter. Every person here on earth has blind spots and wrong beliefs in some areas because we are human. Not a single one of us knows all truth. We are constantly being taught by the Holy Spirit, who lives inside us, having our eyes opened to more light and more truth, which continues to set us free from false beliefs. And He graciously brings those things to light at different times for each of us, based on when He knows we are ready to receive that specific revelation of truth in our own lives.

Have I had a sense that my daughter’s spirit is around at some point? Have I wondered if something that I have seen or experienced was a sign that Becca is around? No, I have not, which means I am not trying to use the Bible to “prove” that what I have experienced is from God. I am taking questions being asked of me to the Lord, allowing His Spirit to be my teacher and guide, showing me things that I have not noticed before through His Word. I do not believe He is leading me away from Himself, but closer to Himself and His love that goes beyond our understanding, by shining His light onto a truth that I am ready to see.

One thing I become more aware of with each passing year, is how much I don’t understand about God. Even having the Bible to read and study, His vastness, His majesty, His glory, His love, is just beyond what I can comprehend or wrap my head around. Paul tells us in I Corinthians 13:12 that we see in part and we know in part. We cannot see the full picture, because what we see here on this earth is like looking through a dark glass.

This is something you can take to God. Ask Him about it. Pray about it. God has not only given us His Word, but He has also blessed us with His Spirit to live inside us, to teach and guide us. I believe God, through His Spirit in you, will guide you into truth, not allow you to be led into deception, and He knows what that is for you, based on where you are in this very personal and difficult journey.

Today’s writing lays some of the groundwork for my conversation next week with Nancy Weil. She has a lot to share on this topic, with many stories. If you have your own stories, you will want to make sure to read about my talk with her, and I would love to have you share those stories in next week’s comments.

 

I know this topic may stir up strong feelings and thoughts, going either direction. IF YOU ARE A PARENT WHO HAS LOST A CHILD, please feel free to share those thoughts with me below with love and grace. Anything with harsh judgment and criticism will not be allowed, not because I don’t allow people to disagree, but because the Body of Christ is known for how cruel they are in being so judgmental, and we need to learn to disagree in love.

If you are not a parent who has lost a child, please do not leave a comment. This is a place specifically for those who share this suffocating darkness that others cannot understand unless you have experienced it.

This blog was taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 189, which has much more shared on this topic, including more scriptures. You can listen here on YouTube. To listen directly on the GPS Hope website click here or find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app. To listen to the follow-up conversation referred to with guest, Nancy Weil, click here.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

• Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 
• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on our private Facebook page or our public Facebook page. 
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.