“Why bother praying if God is just going to do whatever He wants?”

This is one of the greatest struggles I hear about in conversations with other bereaved parents. We pray for protection for our children, or pray for a healing, and when we don’t see God answer those prayers, it is frustrating (or we are outright angry) as it makes no sense, especially when we did everything we were supposed to do on our end.

In the previous blog, I shared part of an email from a hurting, grieving parent, who was questioning this very thing. And after admitting that I have struggled with it as well, I began to share my thoughts and heart on this issue.

To read part one, before continuing with part two, click here, which I highly recommend, as it gives four different perspectives on why we might want to keep praying.

As I was thinking and praying (yes, talking to God about this), I believe the Lord gave me an illustration that made so much sense to me. I have since shared it with dozens of other bereaved parents, and it seems to make sense to them as well.

As a king rules his land, his subjects will come to him to petition him for things. He can either say yes, or no, based on his view of the big picture of the entire kingdom.

The subject will be happy with his answer if he gets what he is asking for. But he could be pretty upset with the king if his request is denied. He may even be angry and slander the king to the other subjects, deciding he isn’t a very good king at all, for not doing what he wanted or needed, forgetting that the king is looking from a completely different viewpoint.

So, the subject may not always get his request granted, but at least he came before the throne for the King to hear his case. But if that subject doesn’t bother coming to the king with his need, the king has no obligation whatsoever to move on his behalf.

 

And that, is why we need to keep praying.

I believe this is what “request” prayers are like. I am petitioning the King for what I think I need, or even something I desperately want. He answers according to the big picture of eternity that I cannot see, based on information I don’t know. Sometimes my request is granted, and sometimes it is not, which can make me hurt, angry, and believing He isn’t a good King (or a loving Father). But I still need to continue going to Him with my requests and knock on the door to see if it opens for me.

I understand the struggle, and yes, I still sometimes wonder in my thoughts why I should bother asking God for something, especially when I feel like yet another prayer hasn’t been answered in the way I thought it would (or should) be answered.

And when I find that happening, I am learning to ask God what it is about Him that I don’t understand yet, because when I try to lean on my own understanding, I can get all messed up. So, I need to see things from His perspective. And if I don’t get an answer to that? Then I have decided to continue to believe that He sees what I cannot see, and knows what I do not know, and I will continue to share my heart with Him, trusting that someday, it will all make sense.

I think the bottom line is that we try to make sense of God with our finite brains and limitations, but that is just plain impossible. We want God to answer to us, which is just as futile as a teenager arguing with his parents, wanting them to answer to him. How can they? How can they explain that they see what their teenager cannot see, and knows what their teenager doesn’t know, in a way that makes that teen satisfied with the answer? And how can God possibly explain to us through His lens of eternity?

My husband, Dave, got a four-year degree in Computer Science. (It was so long ago that he even had to do a computer punch card program for one of his classes. Yikes!). His entire 30-year career was with programming computers, fixing computer programs and crashes, or internationally managing others who were doing it. There are times I ask Dave (who is my personal geek squad) to do something for me, and he has to tell me it can’t be done. I always want him to explain why, because it seems like he should be able to find a way, since he is a computer programmer by profession.

He often sighs, knowing that at some point I will get totally lost and not understand what he is trying to explain to me. (Interpretation: I get really frustrated, because it still doesn’t make any sense to me…)

I’m pretty sure the same thing would happen if I were to ask a nuclear scientist a question on how something worked, because it is beyond what my mind would be able to follow or comprehend.

God is greater than any computer techy or nuclear scientist, so what makes me think I would be able to follow or comprehend God’s explanation, either?

We often try to bring God down to our level because we want to understand His actions – why He does what He does. That is like the Israelites. They knew the acts of God, which left them always grumbling and complaining, but Moses knew His ways (Psalm 103:7). There is a big difference between knowing the actions of God and knowing His heart. When we go beyond knowing the acts of God and press in to knowing His ways (in other words, His heart), we can still trust that He is good and He is faithful, even in the deepest and darkest pain we can face on this earth.

And we can continue to come to Him with our requests, knowing that He is God and we are not. Someday this will all be behind us, and we will understand as we see through the same lens of eternity that our children now have.

 

Are you struggling to move forward in your life because of the painful things that have happened? Are you confused at God’s vision for your life? Do you need a deeper revelation of who God is in you?

Laura would love to give you the eBook version of her book Triple Crown Transformation. Just let us know where you would like it to be sent.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

 

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

• Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 

Prayer…. What’s the point? Prayers didn’t keep my child from dying, even though I based my prayers on scriptures in the Bible. So why bother praying anymore?

This is one of the greatest struggles I hear about, in conversations with other bereaved parents. Here is part of an email I received recently on this subject.

We are told to “Ask and ye shall receive.”

When prayers are “answered” or miracles happen, we praise and thank God. But, when people die despite prayerful petitions begging to save them, people quickly say that it just wasn’t God’s plan. It feels like God is always off the hook.

Are the answered prayers and miracles part of God’s plan, too? Were those miracles going to happen anyway? Or did people actually influence God and change his plan with their prayers and fasting? If I’m “meant to” be hit by a semi-truck while driving the kids to school, should I bother asking God to ‘please keep us safe today’ during our morning family prayer?

Have I been asking for the wrong things in my prayers my whole life? I believe we can ask for and receive comfort, knowledge, understanding. But, I no longer believe we can ask for specific blessings and miracles – like healing someone, or protecting someone. I don’t think we can influence God. I think God is just going to do whatever the heck He wants and we just have to accept it. 

I’m struggling to see the point of prayer if our prayers have no influence on God?

I will admit, this is something I have personally struggled with, along with my husband, Dave, even years after the death of our oldest daughter. I have continued to pray, and have conversations with God, but I can still find myself hesitant when putting requests before Him for things like healing or protection for my family (which can really frustrate me).

So, when I received the above email, I decided it was time to settle this issue in my own heart once and for all, and yes, I prayed about it! It took me several days before I was ready to sit down and write a reply.

The rest of what you will be reading is my reply (along with some thoughts I have had since then) on the struggle we can have for many years with the issue of prayer, following the death of our child.

• A precious friend of mine shared with me this past week that she grieved for 3 years for not being able to have children. She started out praying for “God’s will” and then got to the point that she ached for a child so badly she didn’t care about God’s will, she just wanted a child and would pay the consequences later.

That caused her to become hard hearted, and when God broke her, and she was able to once again pray for His will, even if it meant never having a child, she became pregnant. But then she lost the baby.  Talk about cruel, right? But because she had wrestled with that issue, in her deep pain and grief, she was able to trust God to get her through it. (I will say she has been blessed with three children since the pregnancy loss, but she has also gone through breast cancer, which became another level of trusting God.)

My friend told me it was because of each thing she went through, she was able to pray and trust God through the next trial.

• Another close friend, who lost her son-in-law in a grain bin accident several years ago, has talked to me about her struggle with this issue. What is the point of praying at all, if God isn’t going to answer and just do what He wants, or not step in to save someone or protect them?

She has come to the conclusion that even though we don’t like this “Christianeze” answer (because people throw it around in a flippant way), that God does answer our prayers. But just because it isn’t the answer we wanted, it doesn’t mean He isn’t good or that He didn’t answer.

We need to keep praying because it is more about our communication and relationship with Him than it is about “having enough faith” to command things to happen in the name of Jesus. And if God backed us up by giving in to everything we prayed for, we would make a mess of things because we are so selfish and don’t see (or care about) the big picture! His will is not always our will, and we have to be okay with that in this life, until we join our children.

• In one of my books (When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child) I share a couple of things that might be helpful. When our daughter, Becca, was only three years old, she was diagnosed with bone cancer in her leg. People were fasting and praying for her, and I truly believed the more people I told that God was going to heal her, the more it showed how much faith I had, so God was obligated (according to His Word) to heal my daughter! But it didn’t work that way. Becca still went through nine months of chemo and had her little left leg amputated. This sent me on my own journey about this faith stuff!

Years later, when our daughter Becca was married and became pregnant, she was put in the hospital at around five months along and given a 50/50 chance of surviving the labor and delivery because of heart damage caused by the chemo. I didn’t understand why I was crying so much when they wheeled her back to the OR take the baby early. My husband nailed it when he said, “It’s because we don’t know which direction we are going to have to trust Him for.”

We need to remind ourselves that Jesus said those who mourn will be comforted, not that we wouldn’t have death and difficult things affect our lives.

• The other thing mentioned in When Tragedy Strikes is when I tell about a time that I was praying one of those “fix it” prayers, quoting all the right scriptures, etc.

I heard God ask me in my heart which prayer I wanted Him to answer. I was confused, so He reminded me how often I have come to Him and given Him permission to do whatever He wants to do in my life to get me where He wants to be. He then said, “What if I want to use this circumstance in your life that you are praying against, to get you where I want you to be? Which prayer do you want me to answer?”

Wow! I took the “fix it” prayer off the table and reminded myself that I have made Him Lord of my life, which trumps anything I want, no matter how painful that might be here on this earth.

During my days of prayer and contemplating how I wanted to answer this parent’s email, God gave me a very strong earthly illustration of why it is still valid and important to come to Him with our requests. I have shared it with dozens of people already, and they all say it is really good, and helps to make sense of this quandary we find ourselves in.

I will share that in a part two of this blog, along with a few things God has spoken to me since then, as I continue to meditate on all of this, asking Him to continue solidifying this new foundation He is laying in my life about prayer.

 

Are you struggling to move forward in your life because of the painful things that have happened? Are you confused at God’s vision for your life? Do you need a deeper revelation of who God is in you?

Laura would love to give you the eBook version of her book Triple Crown Transformation. Just let us know where you would like it to be sent.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

• Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 

This month is very special: It’s the one-year anniversary of GPS Hope being a completely transportable national ministry!

What a journey this has been, both figuratively and literally! Learning how to live in a 420 square foot house on wheels full-time, to be able to offer support and resources to grieving parents, has been both interesting and rewarding.

First was the downsizing. Um, yeah… taking 35 years of married and family life and deciding what was going with us, what was being stored, and what we were parting ways with, was a huge project. Every drawer, every closet, every box and bin, the garage, the basement, the attic, the shed… every nook and cranny had to be picked apart and decisions made. Good thing I found the Kan Marie method before tackling all of that!

On October 24^th, I followed my husband, Dave, with the car to our local RV shop to have them add the tow dolly onto the motor home. They had Dave watch them hook everything up and then directed me as I drove the car up onto it. Now, instead of 38 feet long, we were 58 feet in length. 

With no chance for Dave to practice, we pulled out for the first leg of our six-month trip. And let me say I have been amazed and super impressed at how well Dave drives and maneuvers this thing!

I distinctly remember sitting in the passenger seat, looking behind me, and thinking how surreal it was that Dave was driving our house! (And even after a year, I still feel that way most of the time.)

Many of you have asked how this first year has been, living full-time in a motor home. Honestly, the transition went even better than we thought it would and it has been an extremely rewarding year!

But even though this first year in the Hope Mobile has gone great, I realize there are three things that got lost in the transition that I need to get back into my life, which will make this next year even better. I figured I would share them with you, just in case anyone reading this could use the encouraging reminder of making room for these things in your life as well.

Please note: If you are a grieving parent in those first few years, remember that we are several years down the road on this grief journey, which means we have fought our way out of the worst of the pain and darkness of the earthly loss of our daughter. It will probably take lots of time and persistence, depending on where you are in your own journey, to implement needed things back into your life.

#1. Know that there are times it’s okay to just rest

We need to realize that just like someone who has had major surgery has to have time to do nothing but rest and recover, we need to rest and recover from the “surgery” of our child being cut off from us, or whatever deep loss has come our way. And it isn’t a matter of “getting the victory” over it (which I felt guilty in the past for not being able to do, in grieving the death of my daughter, Becca – crazy isn’t it?).

Experts say that parents who have had their child die have been through a trauma, and many of us have PTSD, based on the circumstances of our child’s death. That means we need lots of rest. So, if you feel like you just can’t function, that’s okay and normal. Take it easy and give yourself lots of grace.

It is easy for me to convince myself that people are counting on me, so I must stay on top of making sure I have helpful content and stay consistent with what I put out there to give pareavors hope, not giving myself the same grace that I tell others to give to themselves.

I need to remember I am in this for the long-haul, and that keeping up with doing things the “right way” (taught by experts on the business side, which every ministry has) doesn’t always work for the unique ministry of GPS Hope. There are simply times I need a break for my own grief or need a time of rest to be able to effectively minister to other pareavors in theirs.

I know you will totally understand why this blog came out late (and probably didn’t even notice that it did…) and give me grace for it. I need to get better at giving it to myself, and not think I have to push myself harder when I really need to just rest.

#2. Taking communion

When I had my little prayer room under the basement stairs (in the house we sold to my son), I kept matzo crackers and grape juice handy so that I could occasionally have a time of reflection of what the death of Jesus personally means to me, especially after Becca’s death.

It was always a meaningful time that often came with tears, as I allowed the Holy Spirit to remind me how deeply God loves me.

It is mind boggling that He came to this crappy world for the purpose of dying an excruciatingly painful and shameful death, so that I would not have to be permanently separated from Becca and eventually my other children, my grandchildren, Dave, our parents, my sister and others I love deeply. He also did it to set me free from the chains the enemy puts on me while here on this earth!

I brought the matzo crackers with me, and we always have grape juice, but I can’t think of a single time I have taken communion in the Hope Mobile. I definitely need to get back to doing this!

If you have never had your own personal communion time, thinking it must be served to you by church leadership, let me just say that idea cannot be supported anywhere in the Scriptures. I encourage you to use whatever you have available and allow God to minister to you in a deeply personal way as you remember His death, burial and resurrection through taking communion.

#3. Music

I am embarrassed to say this, but I just don’t turn on the praise or worship music like I used to. I know (and used to teach entire sessions in children’s ministry trainings) that God created music to be a pathway to our soul.

Music moves us, and music changes us. It affects our brains and our souls, which in turn effects our thoughts, our beliefs, and our emotions, which in turn affects our actions.

As you can imagine, our passion for supporting parents who have lost a child can be a heavy load as we walk with those who are in such a dark and painful place, especially as this is our full-time ministry. Dave and I have to continually make sure we do not get trapped back under that heaviness, so we can effectively offer hope and healing to the parents God connects us with.

Putting on uplifting music is one of the easiest and fastest ways to do this. Even though I have play lists on YouTube to help with this, I have not turned to music often enough, and looking back I can see there were times I should have.

Speaking of looking back, it has truly been an amazing year. Here are just some of the highlights:

• One of our favorite things to do since living in the Hope Mobile has been to meet up with parents across the country and share a meal together. We are honored to be a safe place to hear their story, share their tears and laughter, and talk about how our children are probably excited that we finally met each other!
• Speaking at both local and national events in places like North Carolina, Virginia, Florida, St. Louis, and here in Wisconsin. We were able to minister to literally hundreds of grieving parents, helping to guide them to a place of hope, light and purpose after the death of their child.
• Adding “In Loving Memory” hearts on the Hope Mobile has also been a joy! We are so very blessed to take these children on the road with us so that anyone who sees our house on wheels also sees all the precious children who are still in the hearts of their parents. (We also have smaller hearts for many other loved ones who are no longer here on this earth.)
• Starting the weekly Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast almost instantly became our greatest outreach, with hundreds listening to each episode. It takes several hours of both my and Dave’s time to put out each week but is so worth it, based on the amount of feedback we get on how a specific episode has helped a desperate parent. (These emails and comments have brought many tears and much rejoicing!)

Finally, Dave and I want to thank many of YOU for your support in time, talent, and resources. We’re so excited about the next six months as we prepare to pull out for the next 6,000 miles on October 17^th, and we can assure you that your investment in GPS Hope is reaping incredible returns for the glory of God.

 

If you are a bereaved parent, you can have your child mentioned on the GPS Hope podcast, the week of his or her birthday. Just click here to send us the information. 

Would you like to follow us as we travel the nation in the Hope Mobile, giving support and resources to bereaved parents? Just submit your name and email  to get exciting updates.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.

 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 

Growing up, one of my favorite stories was The Velveteen Rabbit. In fact, I named one of my own stuffed bunnies Velveteen, and would often sleep with it at night. (I memorized a list of all my stuffed animals, and gave each one a turn sleeping with me, cuddled in my arms, so none of them would feel left out. I can still run through that list in my head, almost fifty years later. I will spare sharing with you the names of my 13 cuddle-mates…)

Just a few years ago, I found a beautiful condensed “read-aloud” version of the book, so I purchased it to be able to share it with my grandkids. When we moved into the Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) I had to go through a life-time collection of two shelves of children’s books, deciding which ones to get rid of and which ones to keep. Only eight of those books found a place in our house on wheels, and that copy of The Velveteen Rabbit is one of them.

In case you aren’t familiar with the story, this little “fat and bunchy” stuffed bunny with spotted brown and white velveteen fur and pink sateen ears, becomes a boy’s favorite toy, which he talks to, plays with, and of course cuddles with each night. The bunny thinks he is real, because the boy tells the nanny his beloved bunny is real when she thinks he is making too much fuss over a toy. Eventually, the boy becomes sick with scarlet fever, and the well-worn and much-loved bunny is taken with the bedding to be burned. A real tear trickles down the face of the bunny, which immediately grows a flower with a fairy in it. Because the bunny was so loved and was real to the boy, she turns the velveteen Rabbit into a real live bunny, to live with the others he met earlier who made fun of him for not being real.

Looking back, I had no idea what the meaning of that story would have to me, after the death of our oldest daughter, Becca.

Let me share an exchange in the nursery between the wise old Skin Horse and the Rabbit.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day…

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you… It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time… Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” (The Velveteen Rabbit by Marjorie Williams)

There are several similarities in this story, to my journey of being a pareavor  (a parent who has been bereaved of my child).

• It reminds me that working through our grief is a process; a journey. And it definitely doesn’t happen all at once. It takes a long time… years, as a matter-of-fact.

• “He hasn’t got any hind legs! He doesn’t smell right!” the wild rabbit exclaimed, jumping backwards. “He isn’t a rabbit at all! He isn’t real!” This is the reaction the live rabbits had one day when Rabbit was on the ground while his boy played. I don’t know about you, but many of us feel like the people around us just don’t get it. They don’t validate our loss, because we are so different than they are. They hop away and leave us, not understanding why we are the way we are.

• It is a story of going from being ugly to being real; from being who I was, thinking I was “real,” to being who I am now, on the other side of the suffocating darkness after Becca’s death. As I came out of the darkness and back into a place of hope and light, I began to see myself differently and I began to see others differently, along with a depth I didn’t have before. And that is a good thing.

• The Velveteen Rabbit is also a story of hope. He went from a place of devastation and being thrown away as useless to becoming real. I certainly felt devastated and totally useless. I felt like my soul died when my daughter died. But I didn’t stay that way. And you won’t either.

In order to become “real,” like the velveteen Rabbit, we have been taken through a very ugly place. And just like he was taken to a community of other bunnies, we are a community. We are a bunch of broken wounded people, doing life together. We are now traveling with each other on this journey, where we can learn how to become our best self and to become more real than ever before, within the pain and deep earthly loss of our children, not in spite of their death, but because of their life.

The book ends with the boy playing outside the following spring, seeing a rabbit that looks very much like his stuffed bunny that was destroyed.

But he never knew that it really was his own Bunny, come back to look at the child who had first helped him to be Real.

Our children gave us a great gift. The gift to become truly real. I know so many parents who are much further on this journey than I am, who have said they would not want to go back to being the person they were before their child died.

Why would they say that?

Because our child changed us. Both their life and their death.

We tend to look at how dark our life became after their departure, but there are also ways we have grown and are growing (or will grow), because of our brokenness. For me, I tend to not fret over the smaller things as much as I used to. I am much more aware of the present moment, knowing that is really all I have. My compassion for those who are hurting is way more than it ever used to be.

And because Becca had life, there are things she did that taught me something or showed me the way to being a better person, such as watching how she had a way of accepting everyone (whether she agreed with them in life choices and opinions or not) and how she was able to bring so much laughter while she was deathly ill her last 18 months. And watching Becca live life with only one leg and not letting it limit her, gives me motivation to push through my own difficulties instead of giving in to the obstacles that come my way.

How about you? Some of you may not have gotten to this point yet, because your child’s departure is still too fresh and your grief is still very dark and deep, but is there something you like better about yourself now since your child died? Is it easier to let go of toxic relationships? Are you more aware of what is really important in your life now? Are you now easily able to say “no” when people ask you to do something, when before you always said “yes?” Do you no longer feel guilty about putting your own needs first?

Here is another thought. We often talk about how we are forever changed because our child died, but I want to ask: How are you different now because your child LIVED? What are the new lenses your child’s life gave you, helping you to see the world with a different view than you had before?

As the wise old Skin Horse said: Once you become real, you can never become ugly again.

I would love to have you answer in the comments below this blog. What have you gained through your child’s death? What did your child’s life teach you?

We would like to send you the MP3 download From Pain to Purpose. This is a message Laura Diehl has given at several churches, sharing how God has a plan to take the deepest pain of the loss of your child, and restore your life to one of meaning and purpose once again, if we allow Him to.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.

 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

• Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 

Several years ago, in my searching for how to deal with my grief from the death of my oldest daughter, I came across an article called “Grief Recovery.” As I started reading it, I discovered it was for any kind of loss including jobs, moving, pet loss, death, divorce or any kind of breakup, starting school, etc.

It talked about how recovery is when we can have memories without the pain. I had a hard time reading it without getting angry. It is just impossible to compare grieving the death of a child to all these other things. I’m not saying those things are not painful and that there is not a level of grief involved, but this article was basically saying after you grieve the right way, you can move on with life and put the past behind you.

I might be able to move forward, but it isn’t by putting the death of Becca behind me! She will always be in front of me. Our children are our legacy. They are supposed to keep going when we leave this earth. Even if she isn’t with me anymore, I can’t leave her in my past and go on without her.

Even if we wanted to do so, the things that trigger us and remind us of our loss can come unexpectedly out of nowhere and bring back the memory, accompanied by unwanted pain once again.

I am a parent who took a lot of trips to the grave site for probably a year or more. One day while I was there, the med-flight helicopter flew over me. I totally lost it and found myself sobbing uncontrollably. Later, I wrote on Facebook about what had happened, and a friend told me it was a sign of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I guess it made sense.

The last year and a half of Becca’s life she had around a dozen ambulance rides, because of her heart issues. For many, many months after Becca passed, whenever I heard an ambulance I would freeze in panic and my mind would immediately question, “Where is Becca?” And of course, there was always the realization of where she was, and the siren I was hearing was definitely not for her.

The first year of special dates is always difficult for anyone who has lost a loved one, but for a parent who has a child missing it can be almost unbearable. For us, Thanksgiving came first and brought with it the memory of how the year before, Becca had insisted on hosting the family, even though she was wheelchair bound. Then came Christmas, Becca’s favorite holiday, and then the pain of the first time she was not there to celebrate her birthday, and so on. Eventually it came around to the one-year anniversary of her death.

Everyone grieves differently, and I wanted to be sensitive to that. Some of the family wanted to get together and celebrate her life, and others didn’t want anything to do with that. I was torn, and to be honest I don’t even remember what ended up happening that first year for her birthday or the anniversary of her death.

The part I do remember, though, is a precious memory I now share with Becca’s daughter. That first year, my granddaughter asked what we were doing for her mom’s birthday. Knowing how some of the family did not want to do anything, I suggested I come to her school for lunch on that day and bring birthday cupcakes for the two of us. She was thrilled, and we continued doing it for a few years (until she hit Middle School).

What I wasn’t expecting was to have the second year be harder than the first! I see two reasons for this. First, I braced myself for those one-year markers. I knew they were going to be hard, so I tried to prepare myself for them mentally and emotionally. The second year it was more like I was caught off guard. I’ve been through this before; it should be better this year, I thought, so all of a sudden, those dates were here, and they just hit me like a brick wall.

Second, I was still in such a fog of unbelief the first year. So as the fog started to lift that second year, the loss was hitting me with full force. By the third year, it was more like a painful acceptance, trying to figure out how to live this new life without my daughter.

I feel like I need to say this to the parents who are still in deep grief. Do not look at any dates to see where I or others were emotionally in our grieving process and use it as some sort of a timeline to force on yourself. We are all on our own individual timeline and need to go through the process at our own speed. Yes, there are some “patterns” (for lack of a better word) that some of us seem to fall into, but don’t expect yourself to fit into that. Give yourself grace to walk your own necessary path. As long as you are putting one foot in front of the other, you will get there.

Grief recovery for a bereaved parent? No, not really. Yes, it is possible to get to the point where we can have memories without the pain. It happens gradually, but for the rest of our lives there will be times where the pain returns, because all we have are the memories of our child. The goal is to have that happen less and less, but it is naïve to think we will get to the point where we no longer feel pain within the memories and therefore have “recovered,” as the article I read suggested.

Like someone with an amputation, (which Becca had her leg amputated at three years old) we will never fully recover. But we can eventually learn how to live around it, adapting our life to that part of us missing.

If you don’t think it’s possible, that’s okay. Most of us thought the same thing, which is why we and others are here. We want to be that hope and light to you, like someone was to us.  So make sure you stay connected to those who are further down this path, who will always validate your painful loss, and share your memories, whether they come with tears, or a smile.

Do you find it hard to find ways to find comfort in grieving the death of your child? We would be happy to send you our list of thirty suggestions to bring ourselves comfort. Just submit your name and email address below.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

 

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.

 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.