Those of us who have lost a child can have major struggles with trusting God.

We may have prayed daily for God’s protection over our children, trusting that He will answer that prayer because of our unwavering faithfulness. We may have fasted and prayed for a sick child, fully believing we will see Jehovah Rapha, God our Healer, in action.

People around us may have told us something like, “Keep praying in faith. God is going to heal your child,” which brought encouragement at the time.

Or how about since that horrible day hearing something like, “Hang in there. God knows what He is doing, just trust Him.”

We often want to shout, “I DID trust God, and my child died!” 

First, let me say that you are allowed to question what God is doing in your life. Surprised? Abraham did, Jonah did, Elisha the prophet did, the twelve apostles did… get the picture?

We have prayed for protection or healing for our children, and that prayer was not answered.

When my daughter, Becca, was three and was diagnosed with cancer, I believed the more people I told that God was going to heal her, the more He was obligated to do so, based on how much faith I had. I was shocked when she had her tiny left leg amputated (due to cancer in the bone) and went through nine months of chemo.

My shattered faith sent me on a journey to discover what this faith stuff was all about. I learned over the years that faith isn’t getting the answer I want to the prayers I am praying. Faith is knowing Him intimately to the point that I trust Him with whatever answer He gives to my prayers.

I saw this in action seventeen years later. Becca had an extremely high-risk pregnancy (due to heart damage caused by the chemo) with a 50/50 chance of surviving the labor and delivery. As they were wheeling her away to start the process, I found myself crying in my husband, Dave’s, arms. I told him I didn’t understand why I was crying, because I knew in my heart I trusted God with both Becca and the child she was carrying.

He wisely answered, “Because we don’t know which direction we are going to have to trust Him for.”

God so very graciously spared Becca’s life at that time, and the life of our first grandchild (who is now 15 years old).

However, nine years later, too sick to even be put on the heart transplant list, our daughter’s heart gave out, and she left this earth on October 12, 2011 at age 29.

Yes, it sent me into a suffocating darkness I didn’t even know existed.

But trusting God and refusing to let go of Him in the midst of my pain, which was so deep I would sometimes forget to breathe, is what got me where I am today.

It reminds me of when Jesus asked his disciples if they were going to leave him like the rest of the crowd did, when He said something difficult that made no sense to them whatsoever. Peter’s response was, “Where else would we go? You have the words of eternal life” (John 6:68).

One thing I have done to help build that trust in God through this, is to slowly shift my thinking to Becca’s gain instead of my loss. For instance, I don’t like it when other people tell me, “But she is healed now!” Duh! I know that, but that wasn’t what I meant when I was praying for her, and I still want her here with me! Telling me that doesn’t “fix me” or make me feel better.

But when I am by myself, and allowing the Holy Spirit to be my Comforter, I can start to receive that truth. She really is healed now, dancing with both legs, has no more trouble breathing and has a strong heart that will never give out again. She is done going through the painful trials and traumas of this world. She is safe. She is whole in body, soul and spirit. And I believe she is waiting for me with great anticipation. I can even thank God that my daughter is safe, and whole, and happy!

Am I totally healed and back to “normal?”  No way! That will never happen. But I am leaning on God in this painful journey, and it is not based on what I can see or know, but the exact opposite. It is based on what I cannot see and what I do not know, because that’s what trust is.

I can choose to believe there is no God or He would have saved my child. I can choose to believe that if there is a God, He isn’t good and He isn’t fair or He would have saved my child. Both of those options leave me feeling angry and empty. I have chosen the third option. There is a God, His thoughts and ways are so much higher than mine, He loves me with a perfect love, and even though I don’t understand why He has allowed this to happen, I still trust Him with my life both here on earth and for eternity. This option has brought me to a place of peace, rest, hope, and life again—even within the pain. (When Tragedy Strikes)

In other words, I have learned that choosing to continue to trust God here on earth with temporary painful things I don’t understand gives me so much more peace than choosing to remain angry and being determined He is not trustworthy.

Trusting God again doesn’t usually happen in just one decision, but in making the decision over and over again. It can be a process, and that is okay.

I encourage you to choose to make that decision as often as you need to, so that God can wrap you in His hope, His comfort, and yes, even His peace. Ask Him to help you shift your perspective to see things in a different way. Allow Him to give you the strength to trade the anger and blame, so you can receive the love of the Father that your child is now basking in. 

Think about it. Our children now know how trustworthy He is because they can see the full picture that we cannot see!

Yes, God has everything you and I need to help guide us out of the darkness of our suffocating grief. You can choose to trust Him in the midst of the pain. And I’ll bet your son or daughter would tell you the same thing.

Would you like a simple tool to help with anger? The award winning “My Grief Journey: A Coloring Book and Journal for Grieving Parents”  has two pages on that subject. If you would like to receive them, just submit your information below.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.

 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

In many parents, grief over the death of their child causes them to pull away or become emotionally absent from their surviving children. In rare circumstances it can be intentional, but for most of us, it is because the overwhelming pain and confusion keeps us from being able to function.

This can cause the surviving siblings to:

• Feel guilty for being happy, or for needing their parents’ help for anything
• Take on adult responsibilities and feel a need to take care of their parents
• Feel they need to be perfect to avoid upsetting them further
• Be worried about who would care for them if something happened to their parents
• Fear that their parents will never recover from the loss
• Believe their parents blame them for the sibling’s death

As I said in the first of these three blogs (click to read Part 1 or Part 2), I was shocked when my daughter came to me and said she thought I wished it was her who died instead of her sister. I cannot tell you how many siblings I have heard from now who have thought the same thing.

This article was not written to lay a guilt trip on anyone. But it is important to realize that how we handle our grief will affect the bereavement process for our children, and that we need to know how to help them, especially when it causes them to believe things that aren’t true.

Outward symptoms of grief for children or teens of any age is that they may sleep or cry more than usual. They may regress and return to earlier behaviors, or they may develop new fears or problems in school. They may complain about aches and pains. They may be angry and irritable, or they may become withdrawn and isolate themselves from family and friends.

Let’s talk about some of the things that can be going on behind the scenes that we might not realize and what we can do to help them.

Survivor’s guilt about being alive. It is common that many siblings feel guilty. That feeling can be acknowledged, but correct inaccurate thoughts and information. Reassure your child that all children are different and unique, and that he or she is just as important and loved as the child who died. Pay attention to friends or family members’ comments comparing a surviving sibling to the child who died. Comfort your child and help others understand that this can be hurtful.

Regrets and guilt about previous “bad” behavior. For example, they may think that they should have been nicer to or more patient with the sibling while he or she was still alive. Surviving children who fought with the deceased sibling or at times “wished” that he or she would disappear or die, may believe that their own thoughts and feelings caused the death. Reassure them that all brothers and sisters fight or disagree at times—that this is a natural part of sibling relationships.

Explain that all children feel angry or have unkind thoughts about family members from time to time, but that feelings or wishes cannot cause a death to happen. It may be helpful to explain what actually caused the sibling’s death.

Ongoing connections with the deceased sibling in an unhealthy way such as idealizing the deceased sibling, feeling inadequate when they compare themselves to the deceased sibling, or trying to “replace” the sibling by being just like him or her. Help these surviving children to see and appreciate their own unique strengths and abilities and their special place within the family.

Feeling helpless, hopeless, vulnerable, afraid, victimized. The death of a sibling can change children’s perceptions of themselves and of the world. They become aware of their own mortality and the mortality of the people they love, which can lead to their being overly cautious and overly protective of other siblings and of their parents, because they fear that something will happen to them. They will need help letting go of that fear, in a gentle and loving way. Be aware it is a process that may take quite a while.

Being adrift and obviously lonely or isolating themselves. They may give up, not enjoy life or, in extreme cases, feel they want to join the sibling and think about their own death. Acknowledge surviving children’s fear, sadness (or whatever emotion they are displaying) and talk about them without dismissing them, validating it as an understandable response. Encourage children to return to their regular, life affirming activities. Playing and socializing with friends can increase children’s sense of accomplishment and give them vital social support

Be especially alert if children become extremely withdrawn or isolated and seek professional help immediately if they express thoughts about suicide.

Wanting to change the past: preoccupied with thoughts that they could have or should have prevented the death of their sibling. Reassure them that the death was not their fault. (If your child was involved in any way, they need to know that it was an accident, which means it was unplanned and nothing could have stopped it.) Explain that things often look different when we look back and think about “what might have been,” but that there was nothing they could have done at the time. Let children know that you don’t blame them for their sibling’s death (and make sure that is the truth).

Overly worried about physical symptoms. If the sibling’s death was related to a particular illness or to physical pain and suffering, symptoms related to those conditions can take on new meaning for surviving siblings. For example, if a sibling’s death was due to a brain tumor, they may feel frightened or panicked when they have a headache.

Children can also develop physical symptoms due to anxiety. For example, children who refuse to go to school or frequently get sick at school may be fearful of parents or other siblings dying. If surviving children express concerns about physical symptoms, avoid talking about your own fears but don’t ignore their complaints. Show concern and, if need be, make an appointment with a trusted doctor who can objectively assess the situation.

They can also experience a more intense reaction known as childhood traumatic grief. In childhood traumatic grief, children develop symptoms associated with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which most of us have experienced ourselves with the death of our child.
Children may be more likely to experience traumatic grief if the death was sudden or traumatic, if it occurred under terrifying circumstances, or if the child witnessed or learned of horrific details surrounding the death.

Some of the symptoms of PTSD will sound very familiar. They are having nightmares about the death, he or she can’t stop thinking about how it happened, they keep imagining their sibling suffering, constantly irritable or angry, jumpy, poor concentration, developing new fears, etc.

How do you know if you need to seek help or counseling for your child or teen?

1. If grief reactions seem to continue without any relief
2. If they appear for the first time after an initial period of relative calm
3. If the issues continue to get worse
4. If they consistently interfere with your child’s being with friends, going to school, or enjoying activities

If you are fearful, causing you to smother your children trying to protect them (many of us now have to fight the constant fear of losing another child), it will definitely affect them. I highly recommend you release them from bearing that burden. First (based on their age), explain to them why you have been behaving this way. Apologize to them. And then allow God to remove that fear. Fear brings torment and is not from God. Ask Him to give you a deep revelation of His love for you (which seems to contradict the loss of your child).

It is important to have an active support network as well as safe places to express your grief. When you manage your own grief effectively:

• it eases the burden felt by the surviving children
• it offers them a positive role model for coping
• it creates a more supportive environment for them to express their own grief

I also feel it is very important to remind you to pray for your children! I cannot stress that enough, even if you feel your prayers for the child who died were not answered. Pray for your relationship with your children. Pray for them to be set free from the harmful effects of grief. Pray they will know the truth and it will set them free. Ask God to show you how to pray, and then pray those things, remembering that often children cannot put into words what they are thinking and feeling.

Just like bereaved parents, bereaved siblings may not always look like they’re grieving, but the wounds within them run deep. Most of them eventually learn how to find or create a “new normal” for themselves.

And just like us, they don’t forget, or move on and have closure, but rather they honor, remember, and incorporate deceased siblings into their lives in new ways and continue those bonds.

Would you like to know some proactive ways to help your child with grief? We can send you a PDF with some ideas, along with a list of ways siblings have been known to experience positive growth within their loss.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.

 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.  

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

I have heard from so many siblings, “I lost my mom and dad when I lost my brother” (or sister).

As parents, our grief is so consuming, we often cannot see how it is affecting our children who are still alive.

In my previous article Dealing with Sibling Grief after the Death of Your Child, my emphasis was on why the death of our child affects our other children so deeply. (If you have not read the previous article you may want to click on the link to read it before continuing.)

In this blog, we will look at some of the things we can do to help them process their grief, even within our own darkness.

First, we need to realize that each sibling loss is as unique and individual as it is for us as parents losing our child. That also applies to how the siblings will deal with their grief. Just like there is no wrong way for us to grieve as parents, there is no wrong way for them to grieve, although they may need more help in directing it appropriately or need some counseling.

It will be important to be sensitive to where your children are in their grief and do what you can to help. You cannot have the attitude that your grief is more important than your child’s, and therefore what you need comes first. That is very destructive, both short-term and long-term. (Yes, there is truth to “put on your own oxygen mask first to be able to assist others,” but that is not what I am talking about.)

For example, when all the physical reminders of the child who died are put away, surviving children who have memories of their deceased sibling may be confused and upset by the disappearance of their brother’s or sister’s belongings. They may feel guilty for wanting the things in sight or for remembering their sibling.

If you just can’t be around these reminders yet, look for ways that your children can keep some mementos where you won’t see them.

But the opposite might also happen. When a point is made that everything is to be left exactly as it was when your child died, the siblings may be confused about why, especially if they want and need to touch or hold something for comfort, or could get the message that the dead sibling was more valuable to you than they are.

Also, be conscious of how much of a “shrine” you make for your deceased child in a prominent place in the home. I know one of our greatest fears is that people will forget our child, and we are determined not to let that happen. But when we have a full display in a place where everyone is forced to see it, some children (including teens and adults) receive the wrong message, that the sibling who died is more important than your children who are still alive and part of your life. They can feel pushed out and worthless, and even start to think maybe they should be dead, too.

I understand when we have children still with us, we have them, but all we have left are pictures, mementos and memories of the one who died. But sibling rivalry is real, and how can siblings compete with someone who is now gone and being idolized?

When I realized this, I turned my “Becca” wall into a my “children” wall. She is there, along with special mementos, but so are my other children with special things from them. We are still a family, and as much as it hurts, Becca no longer being with us doesn’t make her more important than her sister and brothers. I do have a light above the shadowbox with the butterfly photo which was placed on her hospital door when she died, that I turn on for holidays and her birthday and sunset day, which allows me to acknowledge her missed absence.

If something like that just won’t work for you, I suggest placing your special remembrance area where your other children are less apt to see it, such as a trunk at the foot of you bed that you can open and see the contents. Or clear out a section of your bedroom closet and make a display so you can easily look at the special pictures and mementos of your child whenever you need to.

Some children have a hard time participating in things that trigger a reminder of who they lost. It may be difficult for them to return to the bedroom they shared with their sibling who is now gone. They might not want to play Little League anymore because their sibling is no longer around to practice in the back yard with them. That’s okay. They need grace to work through their grief, just like we do. You are going to need wisdom on whether or not it is a good idea to force them to do those things. As you already know, there is no “one size fits all” in this dark and difficult situation.

Routines are another thing that can be affected. Some children will need the same routine (as much as possible) after the death of their sibling. Others just won’t be able to keep a routine for a while that reminds them of their loss, especially if it was something they used to always do together with their brother or sister.

If at all possible, I suggest trying to include the siblings in some of the decision making, in ways that are appropriate to their age. Find out things like: Does there need to be a change in household chores? Do they want to start something new, like learning an instrument? Do they want a new bedspread (or maybe their sibling’s bedspread)? Do they need to stop dance lessons for a while, if they took lessons with their sister?

Do they want to find a way to feel close to their sibling? If that is the case, here are some suggestions:

1. Have their sibling’s sweatshirt made into a teddy bear that they sleep with at night
2. Carry their brother or sister’s picture with them
3. Wear their sibling’s clothes or jewelry
4. Listen to music that reminds them of their sibling
5. Two of my older children got significant personalized tattoos (we signed permission papers for our 16-year-old)

Sibling grief can be very complicated, because they often have very complicated relationships. Sisters and brothers experience a range of sometimes conflicting feelings for each other. They may love and look up to one another. Older siblings may feel responsible for, enjoy and/or resent caring for younger ones. They may be jealous and fight. And their relationships can change over time.

When a sibling dies, these past relationships and feelings can affect the surviving child’s grief and the entire family’s bereavement process.

What I hear from parents the most is the pain of wanting their children to talk with them and have conversations about the one who is no longer with them. May times the kids just don’t want to talk, and the parents are very upset and don’t understand why.

A couple of years ago, I got to sit in on some conference sessions where siblings shared how they dealt with their loss. Some needed to get away to figure out who they were without the influence of that sibling anymore (to find their new identity). Many of them felt a need to make new friends with people who didn’t know they had lost a sibling. Often, they didn’t want to (and wouldn’t) come home to the painful reminders of their loss. Some admittedly went off the deep end and got into things they shouldn’t have. But they eventually they found their way back to their parents and relationships were restored. (I have personally found that to be true as well.)

We will discuss this further, along with other specific issues your children may be having, and what you can do to help them, in the third and final article on this subject of sibling loss.

 

If you would like a free PDF version of the book  From Ring Bearer to Pallbearer: Giving a Voice to Bereaved Siblings and Grandparents (exclusively from GPS Hope) just click here to be taken to our free membership library where you can sign up to become a member and access the book and many other helpful resources.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.

 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.  

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

 

“I think you wish I had died instead of Becca!” What a shocking statement made to me by my daughter, several months after her sister’s death. Others of you have similar stories of how deeply your children are struggling, and how hard it is on the family.

I have had several requests to write about helping our children who are grieving the loss of their sibling. So, the next two or three articles will be devoted to this subject. What I will be sharing with you is based on:

1. What I have learned through personal experience with my own four children after the death of their sister
2. Talking to others (especially bereaved siblings)
3. What I have studied, starting about three years into my own journey

I am not a counselor, nor do I have all the answers. I think you can agree that this is a huge subject to tackle, and my prayer is that you will find a few things that are helpful with some of the concerns you may be facing with your children.

Siblings are called the forgotten mourners. If they are younger, they may be told something like, “Be good for your mom. She’s really hurting right now.” If he or she is older, they are probably asked, “How is your mom doing? This must be really hard on her!” People seem to be oblivious to the fact that the siblings are in deep grief themselves.

It is said, “When you lose a parent you lose your past. When you lose a child, you lose your future. When you lose a sibling, you lose both.”

Siblings play a big role and are meant to be the longest relationship in your life. When a sibling dies, the ones left behind lose one of the only people who shared a complete history with them. If they just had the one sibling, they lost the only person who shares the same history, and have even more layers of grief to work through.

Just some of the things these siblings are grieving are:

• the loss of future plans together
• the opportunity to grow old with someone who knew them at every stage in life
• watching their own children grow up together as cousins
• burying their parents together
• many lose a best friend (no matter the age)

I have to say that my heart goes out to my daughter every time I see something that is for sisters (like a picture frame). It is painful to see reminders that she was robbed of that relationship, knowing how often she deeply misses her big sister.

Bereaved siblings find they are constantly in the shadow of the sibling who passed, and it can put a lot of pressure on them. You, the parents, are grieving, the rest of your family is grieving, and siblings can feel pressure (imagined or not) to keep everyone together.

Sibling loss changes a person in so many ways. Just like us as parents, they will never be the same. And just like us, they continue to think about their sibling, particularly during anniversary dates, such as graduations, weddings, birthdays, holidays and other milestones in their own personal lives, painfully aware that their brother or sister is not by their side, sharing the special occasion.

And also, just like us, each child grieves in different ways, for different lengths of time. They are each on their own unique journey, because they had their own unique relationship with the lost sibling.

My oldest three were adults when their oldest sister died. My eldest son constantly affirmed his love for me, and would give me flowers, trying to help ease my loss. I also remember him throwing himself across our bed and just sobbing at how much he missed his sister. My daughter totally walked out on the family, replacing us with another family for about four years. (She is back with us now.) My middle son was newly married (two months) and was focused on his new wife and starting a family. My youngest son was sixteen when he lost his sister, and it really messed with him. He almost didn’t graduate, and is still struggling, angry that he never got to know his sister as an adult like his three siblings did.

Another issue we deal with, both as bereaved parents and siblings, are the innocent questions that can be painful to answer, such as, “How many brothers or sisters do you have?” If your child is young, you may need to help them figure out how to answer that, without insisting they always include their deceased sibling. They may find it most comfortable to answer it differently at times, based on the circumstance, which is okay. It can also change as they grow older, which is okay as well. Don’t take the way they need to answer that question as denial, lack of love or forgetting. Losing a sibling is different than losing a child, and their identity will be shifting with their loss. They need to figure this out based on their own needs, not ours.

The loss of a sibling leads to changes in the family structure in a major way. For one thing, it usually wreaks havoc with the birth order. Our daughter was the oldest, and it completely changed everything for her siblings in their established sibling “roles.” (It has also been very unnerving and sobering for each one as they become older than their oldest sister, who is forever twenty-nine.) Your child might have suddenly become the only daughter, or the only son. He or she may have just become an only child, which totally changes the dynamics and has a whole other set of huge issues for them to have to work through in their deep grief.

Up to this point, I have mostly been sharing why the death of our child affects our other children so deeply. (So often we are so consumed by our own grief, we can’t see why or how those closest to us are also deeply affected.)

In the next article, we will start looking at some of the things we can do to help them process their grief, even within our own darkness.

If you would like a free PDF version of the book  From Ring Bearer to Pallbearer: Giving a Voice to Bereaved Siblings and Grandparents (exclusively from GPS Hope) just click here to be taken to our free membership library where you can sign up to become a member and access the book and many other helpful resources.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.

 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

I have written many checks before, but I never dreamed I would be writing a check to pay for my daughter’s burial plot! I could barely see through my tears to sign it.

A few days after Becca’s funeral, it was time to go back to work. It was surreal as I was back in my normal surroundings and the world continued as it always had. Sure, a few people stopped in and gave me their condolences, but for the most part it was like nothing ever happened. I was still coming in and out of this fog. How do I go back to the day-to-day and act like nothing has changed?

I believe most of us men tend to compartmentalize everything in our minds, almost as if everything in life has its own little box and we only take out one box at time. For the most part, I was able to take out my work box and stay there, but grief had just shattered my “Becca box” into a million pieces. I tried to sweep my grief into a grief box, but the problem with grief is that it cannot stay in a box! Somehow those shattered pieces find a way into all the other boxes. These pieces tend to appear out of nowhere and not always at convenient times.

It was not easy, and at times I would close my door and allow myself to tear up and grieve some more. So if you’re reading this and you’re a father who has lost a child and you tend to compartmentalize, I encourage you to allow yourself those moments to grieve. Grieving is not a sign of weakness, it is a way for us to heal.

Even within my own deep painful loss, as a husband and father, I quickly learned how vitally important it was for me to make allowances for my family members, especially my wife, in the way they processed their grief.

We all handle grief in different ways and on different timelines. My other four children all grieved in different ways and some longer than others. They all still have times when they miss Becca immensely. I encourage all of them to allow each other the space they need to grieve in their own way and not expect the others to grieve in the same way they themselves do.

This is especially true for us husbands in regard to our wives. If you are like me, as I suspect many men are, I didn’t always want to talk about it. I preferred to keep my feelings to myself, except with a few close people.

My wife, on the other hand, seemed to wear her grief on her sleeve. Laura would post all sorts of feelings on Facebook. I would every so often, but nothing like she did those first couple of years. (So much so that I knew it made some people uncomfortable, even though she always pointed to God as her source of strength.) I would sometimes think is this normal or is my wife having some major issues here?

Laura has the closest relationship to God of anyone I know. She amazes me with her insight, yet here she was struggling, even though she knew without a doubt where Becca was and the glory she was experiencing. Was it normal for this to be so hard and go on so long?

Truth is, absolutely! Pretty much everything is “normal” when it comes to grieving the death of our child, it seems.

At one point it occurred to me that often people, myself included, criticize those who post too many feelings on Facebook. I wonder, though, what we would think of King David’s posts if he were one of our “friends.” The Psalms look quite a bit like some Facebook postings, and they are plastered with his feelings!

If you are a father who has faced the death of your child, and you are frustrated that your wife is still deeply struggling, let me be very real with you here. In most cases, it will take our wives months or years to “get on with life” the way we imagine they should. It isn’t our place to determine what that looks like; ours is to simply love, care for, and protect her during this time, however long it may be.

All holidays bring some difficulty as we celebrate Christmas, New Year’s, and family birthdays including hers. My first Father’s Day after Becca died was especially difficult for me. Becca was the child who made me a daddy when I adopted her at the age of two. I vividly remember her bringing me donuts for breakfast in bed for my first Father’s Day.

Now, this day was my first one without her. I had four other children whom I loved dearly and spent the day with, but I needed to spend time at her graveside that day as well. It was probably the longest time I ever stayed out there. Just reminiscing, crying tears of pain that she wasn’t with us anymore, tears of joy for all the funny memories. I needed to allow myself that time of grief.

More people are starting to acknowledge the loss of a child on Mother’s Day. Not as many think of bereaved dads on Father’s Day.

I want to recognize how difficult this day can be for you. It is probably one of the most difficult of all “dates” for me regarding the loss of my daughter, Becca. One thing I do on Father’s Day is to ask God to tell her how much I love and miss her and to give her a big hug and kiss from me. I have no doubt He does that for me and will for you, too.

I honor you this Father’s Day and pray that you will feel the love of our Heavenly Father’s arms around you. Laura and I want you to know you have our hearts and our prayers.

 

This article was taken from Dave’s chapter in the book When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life With Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child.  If you would like a PDF of the complete chapter, please submit your information below. You and your email address are safe with us and will not be given out to anyone.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.

We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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Dave Diehl is the cofounder and technical administrator of GPS Hope. His wife, Laura, is an author as well as a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.