With the death of our child, we have to go through at least one memorial service of some kind. For some of us, there is absolutely no way we can even think about standing up in front of others and sharing anything. Others find the strength to do so, whether it is the grace of God or out of our numbness (or a bit of both).
I, personally, fell into the second category. The numbness was definitely there, because for almost three years afterwards, I didn’t remember what I said at Becca’s funeral, and it really bothered me. To make it worse, I couldn’t find the paper with my notes.
I was so happy when it showed up, and kind of surprised at what I found written. My own words that I spoke at my daughter’s funeral were an encouragement, and they still are for me today. Here is part of it.
The name Rebecca means faithful. And she has now heard the words “Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of your Lord!” She knew it was time to hear those words and she was ready.
It is all a matter of perspective.
Romans 8:18-25, “Yet what we suffer 
now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)” (NLT)
Second Corinthians 4:8-9 is actually the verse to a song she used to sing on the worship team at church, always singing it as a solo—her personal declaration in the midst of what she was dealing with. “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but 
not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed” (NIV). The song goes on to say how we are blessed beyond the curse because His promises will endure; that His joy is going to be my strength. It talks about trading our sorrows, our sickness, and our pain for the joy of the Lord.”
The chapter goes on in verses 17-18 and on into the next chapter, “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. So we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling…so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life” (NIV)
Becca is actually now more alive than we are!
Yes, we all go through the numbness of being in survival mode, for the first two or three years. We can’t find our way out of the suffocating darkness; we just want to stop hurting so much and most of us just want to be 
done here. I am not discounting or minimizing that at all.
But there comes a time down the road when we can begin to make some choices in our grief. And one of those is our perspective.
When I think of my loss, and how much I miss my daughter, I can still fall into the darkness of grief. But it helps tremendously when I remind myself that
- we are blessed beyond the curse of death
- this is not a permanent separation
- I will see my child and others again
- God’s promise is that the glory revealed in us can’t even be compared to our suffering
We are not physical beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a physical experience. That means that what is happening in the spirit realm is more real than the physical realm we are living in. And that is why I could say, as soon as Becca’s spirit left her body, that she is more full of life than any of us still here on earth. The same is true for your child as well.
I believed every word of that when I spoke it at Becca’s memorial service. I believed every word of that in the blackness of my depression and in the crushing darkness of grieving Becca’s death. And I still believe it with every fiber of my being today.
Becca loved to worship and was known for some of the songs she wrote.
Her personal favorite had even more meaning after her death and was sung at her funeral and etched on the back of her tombstone. If you would like to receive a copy of the words to this song, Before the Throne, just let us know below.
Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.
I remember as we were heading into the new year, two months after my daughter, Becca, died. I was horrified at the thought of “leaving her behind.” It felt like going into a new year without her was another finality of her death that I just wasn’t ready to accept.
crying buckets of tears and sharing my hurt and pain with Him, He sat with me. He stayed with me in all of my sobbing, ugliness, confusion and depression.
Whatever I need, He is already inside of me to meet that need. The amazing thing is that He is also sitting on His throne at the exact same time. And I can come boldly to that throne of our gracious God to receive His mercy and find His help which I so desperately need (Hebrews 4:16).
seventh new year without Becca. God has continued to comfort and strengthen me, putting the pieces of my heart back together in a way that I am complete, and yet forever broken. And I’m okay with that, because I will be one year closer to being with my Becca forever!
hope is all I have to hold on to, yet I cling to it like a drowning person to a life raft. I clench my hands around hope like a climber hanging by a thread on the side of a mountain; I hope for good. I hope for a future that’s not as dismal as my fears project. Jeremiah 29:11 promises that my future will be good, and I hold God to His Word. I mix faith with words and speak of good, not evil. I project hope into the future.
I choose to be confident in the goodness and faithfulness of God. What happened wasn’t God’s fault. It wasn’t because God failed. If I want to blame someone or something, I turn my anger on the devil. He’s the one who brings disease, destruction, and death, not God. God is the One who comforts me, strengthens me, helps me–daily, hourly, even minute-by-minute. He keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. He is faithful and trustworthy to be my light in the darkness, my peace in the storm, and my comfort in deep sorrow.
I lean into Romans 8:28 until it’s absorbed into my soul like healing ointment absorbed into a wound. I expect God to turn tragedy into triumph, no matter how horrible I feel or how bleak everything appears. I expect good from the goodness of God’s heart.
His tenderness and compassion, for giving me songs in the night, for the tears He sheds side-by-side with me, and for glimpses of the substantial reality of heaven and its glory. As I begin to give thanks, my eyes are opened to see that His blessings are more numerous than the sands on the seashore. But, I can walk blindly right past His blessings without noticing them, if I’m not cultivating a thankful heart.
or her faith in God has been shaken, should have a safe place to share their hurts, doubts and anger without judgment or being shunned by other Christians.
God into a magic genie and get whatever we want from Him. Prayer is communicating with Him, both talking and listening. Prayer is laying things before Him, and allowing Him to be God, trusting that He can see what we cannot see, and that He knows what we do not know. Prayer opens doors. It opens the doors of our hearts. No matter what happens, we need to communicate to our Father, and continue to have conversations with Him.
That leaves the last one – people. The adage that we are stronger together than by ourselves is very true in this situation. If you haven’t yet, I encourage you to join forces with those who not only share these beliefs, but are acting on making them a reality. When we do, each of us becomes part of something that is bigger than any one of us can ever be by ourselves.
or a dream; it is a movement. A movement that one day, our culture will acknowledge that grief is not something we “get over” like a bad cold.
1 Corinthians 2:16 (“I have the mind of Christ”) and 2 Timothy 1:7 (“I have a sound mind”). Eventually the fog began to clear and I wasn’t quite so scattered and forgetful.
On those days I would cry out to God. It was the only thing I could do. And in that place of trauma, God has never rejected me. I still occasionally have times like this, and I can still call out to Him with the tiniest cry at any point, and He comes in to give me the strength I need, moment by moment, until I can function again.
to bring ourselves comfort in our time of grief, and it is very easy to do so in unhealthy and even harmful ways. Doing things to numb ourselves from the pain will only prolong the grief and even intensify it. Obviously, we know the dangers of excessive drugs and alcohol, but there are lots of things we can do excessively that are not good for us. Things like excessive shopping, excessive Internet or TV, and excessive eating or sleeping. Sometimes we may do some of these things because we just need to shut down for a while. And that is okay! But we want to monitor ourselves to make sure it is not a substitute for going to God to help us get through this.
One thing God so graciously shared with me in all my times of sleeping was the reminder that He never sleeps or slumbers. He could still minister to me while I was sleeping. And He can and wants to do the same thing for you. Ask Him to bring healing to your soul while you are sleeping. He doesn’t need us to be awake.
