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January 28, 2018 by Laura Diehl 2 Comments

Five Suggestions to Bereaved Parents Who Have Been Told, “You Should be Over This by Now” (Part 2)

I received several emails from people who appreciated the first half of this article. I am glad it was helpful and hope the rest of it will be just as useful.  (If you missed it, click here to read it before continuing with the second half.)

I am going to start with the third suggestion, because I wasn’t quite finished. 

  1. Feed your spirit and your soul (specifically through music and reading).

I already spent time covering music and reading, but I also want to say there are many other ways to do this.

  • Being out in nature is another gift from God that has a way of soothing our soul and feeding our spirits.
  • Journaling and/or coloring is highly recommended by grief counselors, and many parents find this to be a big help. (If you have never journaled, and don’t know where to start, consider getting My Grief Journey: A Coloring Book and Journal for Grieving Parents.)
  • Spending time closed in with God is one that helped me the most, personally. I know many struggle with this one because of how angry they are with God. But He is the source of peace. Until we are able to turn to Him instead of away from Him, even in our anger, th e consistent peace we long for is going to elude us. (And if it helps any, peace doesn’t always mean the absence of pain. I have learned that peace and pain can live inside of me together.)

Now to continue with the last two on the list.

  1. Release the guilt of not attending functions that are too difficult, no matter how long ago the loss has been.

There are going to be times when going to a joyful or celebration event is going to be a slap-in-the-face reminder that your child is not here; that he or she will not be part of something they should have been right in the middle of. This will continue for many years, such as a graduation, or a birth that would have made your child an aunt or uncle.

Once again, there are a couple of options here. I have found instead of making my absence about me, I let those hosting/attending know that my absence is about them. I don’t want to dampen or possibly ruin the celebration for them and those attending by how deeply I still love and miss my child.

The other option I have found that seems to surprise people, is to ask if there can be a way to include your child. Can a toast be made to your child (and possibly others who have also passed on and are missed)? Can there be a photo placed somewhere? Can a book be set on a table where those attending can write a memory or a note to your child, letting him or her know how much they are missed? Yes, there will probably be some moments of tears, but doing something like this can give a sense of relief, as it gives you the needed grace and permission to miss your child.

When I know my daughter will be acknowledged in some way, it helps bring a healing comfort in the midst of the pain to know others miss her too, and have not forgotten her. Will there be tears? Probably. Do I care? Not anymore. They are tears of a love that will never be quenched until I am with her again, and I don’t care if people around me understand that or not.

  1. Connect with others who are ahead of you on this rocky road of grief who get it, and will walk with you in the darkness and be the light of hope you need.

When we see and know others who have faced the death of their child and not only survived, but are somehow living a life of meaning and purpose again, it gives us hope that somehow, it must be possible.

For almost two years, I didn’t want to go to any conferences that were for grieving parents. (I also didn’t go to any grief support groups, but that was because I didn’t know of any in my area.) I didn’t want to be around a bunch of people who were a mess like me, thinking we would just sit around all morbid, cry about our kids, and I would leave feeling worse than when I arrived.

I found the exact opposite to be true. It was wonderful and healing to be in a room full of people who were a mess like me. They “got it.” I didn’t have to explain anything to anyone. I didn’t have to feel guilty for laughing, or for a few tears that fell at strange times. It was an instant bonding with people I had never met, and I made life-long friends who are very precious to me.

A word of caution though. Make sure you are connecting with parents who will acknowledge your grief, but also be a light of hope that you can and will get past the suffocating darkness. We all know our lives will never be the same, but some parents are stuck in that darkness, and tell others behind them that they won’t ever get out, either. Keep looking until you find those who give you the hope you need.

As I said at the very beginning of this two-part article, the people around you are not going to understand. I sure didn’t know this depth of suffocating darkness even existed until Becca died. And I hope those around us never have to find out for themselves.

Unfortunately, there may be some who remain insensitive and continually pick at our open wound of grief, who will have to be shut out of our lives. Almost every bereaved parent I have met has said their circle of friends made a shift because of lack of understanding and support when it was needed the most. That isn’t always an option though, especially when it is someone in our family.  I pray these five suggestions will help you in a way that rises you above the painful conflict, to a place of rest and peace. And may you have hope that the light is not far away, because those of us who carry it, are walking with you.

If you would like a list of these five suggestions in a printable version you can put somewhere to see as a reminder, just let us know and we will get it right to you.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: connecting with others in grief, finding hope in grief, God’s peace in grief, grieving parents support, grieving parents support groups, handling celebrations after loss, honoring your child’s memory, how to find peace in grief, journaling and grief, light in grief, navigating grief after child loss, spiritual healing after loss, tips for grieving parents

July 5, 2017 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

Five Beliefs of Most Bereaved Parents

Did you know that 370 sets of parents (740 people) lose a child age 40 and under daily in the US (based on 2011 statistics) and that does not count pregnancy loss? Sixty-five babies die every day in their mother’s womb.

You would think with numbers that high, our culture would know what to do, where to turn for help and support, and how to grieve and allow such deep grief. Sadly, that is not the case.

Those who have lost a child from this earth will say they wouldn’t even want their enemies to go through such horrific pain and suffocating darkness. Most bereaved parents I know have these five beliefs in common:

  1. No grieving parent should feel alone, isolated and abandoned.
  2. All grieving parents should be able to quickly and easily connect with other bereaved parents for encouragement.
  3. Any parent who has had a child die, and his 10. safe placeor her faith in God has been shaken, should have a safe place to share their hurts, doubts and anger without judgment or being shunned by other Christians.
  4. Those around bereaved parents need to know how to give true comfort and support (which includes physical and emotional), and treat it as the long process it is, instead of an event.
  5.  Even before a parent loses a child, they should already be aware of who they can contact for support in their pain and confusion if their own child leaves this earth.

Almost every bereaved parent I have ever met believes these things. But unfortunately, that is not reality.

So, that leads to the question, “Is there anything we can do to help this become reality in today’s world?”

I believe strongly the answer is a firm “YES”!

How?

By prayer, by perseverance, and by people.

Prayer can be a tough one. After all, we pray for our children, especially for God’s protection. Since He didn’t protect our child from death, why should we bother praying?

Because the purpose of prayer isn’t to make10. God isnt a magic genie God into a magic genie and get whatever we want from Him. Prayer is communicating with Him, both talking and listening. Prayer is laying things before Him, and allowing Him to be God, trusting that He can see what we cannot see, and that He knows what we do not know. Prayer opens doors. It opens the doors of our hearts. No matter what happens, we need to communicate to our Father, and continue to have conversations with Him.

Perseverance means to keep moving forward, no matter how difficult the obstacles or how long it takes.

I don’t know about you, but I am in this for the long haul. Not just to exist until I leave this earth and join my daughter, Becca, but to walk with other grieving parents, giving them hope in their place of darkness. I am determined to find ways around the obstacles that show up. I don’t plan on quitting when I get discouraged. For these five things to become a reality, it requires determination and commitment, and I have both. I hope you do, too.

10. Join forcesThat leaves the last one – people.  The adage that we are stronger together than by ourselves is very true in this situation. If you haven’t yet, I encourage you to join forces with those who not only share these beliefs, but are acting on making them a reality. When we do, each of us becomes part of something that is bigger than any one of us can ever be by ourselves.

I love to pray, and I have perseverance. But I am only one person. For those five beliefs to become a reality, I need to join other people who desire to see these beliefs become a reality and are ready to help complete the task with their own prayers and perseverance.

I personally believe this is not just a hope 10. get over grief like a bad coldor a dream; it is a movement. A movement that one day, our culture will acknowledge that grief is not something we “get over” like a bad cold.

Do you believe? Can you pray? Are you willing to persevere? Then let’s work at this together, to make these five beliefs a reality.

 

 

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If you would like to connect with Laura Diehl and Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) submit your first name and email address below. We will send you a printable copy of the Five Beliefs of Bereaved Parents. You will also have access to our GPS Hope library with lots of useful information and helpful tools for your grief journey.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

 

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: bereaved parents community, child loss movement, child loss statistics, Christian grief support, faith after child loss, faith and grief, grief awareness, grieving parents support, grieving together, how to support grieving parents, long-term grief support, miscarriage and infant loss, parents grieving a child, prayer and perseverance

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