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December 16, 2018 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

Looking Out the Window of Fear

Fear brings torment, and as parents grieving the earthly loss of our child, it is easy to feel the full weight of that torment.

What are some of those fears?

• That going forward with your life will cause those around you to forget your child ever lived
• That there will be moments when you don’t think about or even miss your child
• That laughing or having fun without your child means you’re a bad parent
• That you may lose your other children, making it hard to let them go (either out of your sight or to grow up and be on their own)
• That your child may not be in heaven     

If we are afraid of something, it means that thing has more power over us than we do over it. So, if we are afraid to face the pain of our grief and work our way through it, our fear will continue to control us.

There is something much more powerful than our deepest fears: God’s love for us! God’s perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). If we have fear, it is because we don’t believe in His perfect love for us. And that’s understandable, because it is hard to reconcile in our minds how we can trust a God who says He loves us and yet allowed this terrible thing to happen to our child and to us.

I can offer no easy fix or solution to this, although it is very black-and-white. We either believe God is good and Satan is evil, or we don’t. We either fear that God isn’t big enough or we have faith that He is more than enough.

Making a Shift in How You See God

I want to share with you a few things to help make a shift in how you see God in the midst of your fears, caused by the pain of your tragedy.

1.  Some parents are helped by the realization that their child is not missing; he or she is simply absent.

To be absent means not to be present for the moment. The Bible says that for someone who has accepted the gift of salvation, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:8).

This is one of those times where perspective can change everything. I can either focus on my personal loss that my child is absent from this earth, or I can focus on the fact that my child is present with the Lord. My daughter, Becca, is absent from my presence for now, but not forever.

2. Reading the book of Psalms in the Bible can be extremely helpful.

Over and over the writer cries out for help from a very dark place of despair. And God responds by being a rock, a refuge and help in times of need. I spend a lot of time there when I “relapse” and find myself struggling with the pain and reality that Becca is gone from this earth and I won’t see her again until I join her in heaven.

3. Don’t keep looking back, allowing yourself to be paralyzed by the pain.

I am so sorry to say this, and I am not trying to be cruel, but simply want to set you free; no matter how much you want your child’s life back, it isn’t going to happen. I did that, and here is what God spoke to me one day.

Laura, DON’T LOOK BACK! Go forward with everything you’ve got! Lot’s wife looked back and she was frozen to a place where she died. She could not go anywhere because she looked back. I know that may seem harsh, but it will become a tormenting fear that will paralyze you. Don’t look back at the crushing; if you look back to ponder and relive the death, you won’t be able to walk in the power of My resurrection life… You will grow stronger in it each day you come up to Me to drink. Drink daily. Drink deeply. For it will truly be a wellspring of life in you and through you.

I have made the choice to refuse to remain focused on the pain of my loss. I am determined to go forward, focused on who and what I still have. I have given God the shattered pieces of my life and am watching Him not only fix it but make it into something that is actually beautiful. Only a God who specializes in miracles can do that!

I also refuse to live in fear of the “what ifs” of more loss. If that happens, I know that I know that I know God will give me the grace I need to get through it. Why waste my time on the darkness of fearing what will probably never happen? I would much rather live my life full of light and hope of a better tomorrow, both here on earth and in my eternal home with Becca. You and I both are blessed with so much that has not been taken from us. Most of us know that in our heads and are waiting for our hearts to catch up.

What fears are you carrying right now? Are they things God would have you carry? Let me answer that for you. No, they are not. So, are you willing to lay them down at the feet of Jesus, who is sitting on His throne as King, and leave them there so you can move forward in freedom?

Fear and faith have the same root, which is belief in the unknown.

Which “unknown” are you going to start believing in and acting on? I recommend faith.

 

This article is adapted from Chapter 8 of the book When Tragedy Strikes. To receive the full chapter, which includes discussing the fear of our child not being in heaven, simply submit your name and email address and it will be sent directly to you immediately.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
  • Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: child loss healing, confronting grief and fear, coping with grief and fear, dealing with fear after child loss, faith during grief, faith in grief, fear and grief after losing a child, fear of forgetting your child, finding healing after child loss, God's love in grief, grief and faith after child death, grieving parents faith, healing through fear, moving forward after loss, moving forward with faith, overcoming fear after child loss

September 30, 2018 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

Making Hard Choices Within Our Grief

When our child died, it was obviously not our choice!

Going through the darkness of grief is not our choice.

The pain that cannot be described is not our choice.

The way our brain is scrambled for so long and we can’t think straight is not our choice.

I could go on, but you know exactly what I am talking about.

Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts to getting off the path of this nightmarish journey we found ourselves thrown onto.

But I am not here to talk about the things we can’t control and the choices we cannot make. I want to talk about the choices we can make.

At the beginning, grief takes over EVERYTHING. But as the weeks and months go by, we find ourselves able to make small choices. We may choose to cook a somewhat decent meal instead of having fast food again or a bowl of cereal. We might choose to try and go out for coffee with a friend (in public). We might choose to pick up our Bible and try to read it (and sometimes put it right back down, for various reasons).

I want to help you move forward when you get to that point of being able to start making some choices, because some of those can be major, such as choosing to stay mad at God and blaming Him and refusing to allow Him to ease the pain in your heart that keeps you an angry, bitter person. (Ouch! Yes, I said it…)

Here is a key that may help you unlock some of those choices you need or want to make.

Instead of choosing to be against something, choose to be for something.

For instance, you can choose to be against facing another week because you can’t bear being away from your child for longer than you already have. Or you can choose to be for going through this next week because it gets you that much closer to being reunited with your child.

You can choose to be against spending time with a friend, because you feel guilty for doing something that might be kind of fun when your child can’t have any fun with his or her friends any more. Or you could choose to be for spending time with your friend, because you might get a chance to talk about your son or daughter with someone who will listen. Or because having an enjoyable evening might be like a needed medicine to your soul. Or because you can picture your child watching you enjoy yourself, and seeing you smile (and maybe even laugh), realizing it would make them happy instead of seeing you so horribly angry and miserable.

It can help even more to take just a minute and write down at least one thing (or a list of things) you are going to do your best to choose to do for something, instead of continuing to choose against something.

I did that recently, after being prompted by my friend Mary. One of the things I specifically wrote down in my list was, “I choose to be a size 10/12.” As Becca went through her severe illness and after she died, I allowed food to be a comfort and a distraction for me, gaining a good thirty pounds, becoming the heaviest I have ever been (including my five pregnancies). I have not been able to get it off for the last three to four years. Truthfully, I have not been motivated enough to want to stop eating sweets and other unhealthy foods enough to follow through. Until now. Since I wrote that down, I am ecstatic that I am down over ten pounds and still going!

Go ahead and write it out. I choose to _______________________.

And if you can’t think of how to flip it around to do it for a good reason, ask the Holy Spirit to show you one. (My motivation to choose to finally get serious about my unhealthy eating is being able to fit into the mother-of-the-bride gown I wore to Becca’s wedding for the red-carpet Author Academy Awards in which my book When Tragedy Strikes is a finalist.)

And with that, I choose to be for climbing into bed , tired but at a fairly decent hour (which means staying focused on working my way through today’s heavy schedule) instead of being against my day, feeling like it is out of control with too much going on (which means distracting myself from what I should be doing and climbing into bed exhausted because it is extremely late by the time I get everything done).

So, what are you going to be for, instead of against, that will help you move toward light and life? I would love to hear from you in the comments below.

We are coming up on the holiday season, when there are many events that are difficult to attend. If you would like a list of ideas on how to handle these events, just let us know and we would be happy to send it to you.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
  • Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: bitterness after loss, child loss healing, choosing hope, choosing life after loss, Christian grief encouragement, faith after loss, grief after child loss, grief and mindset, healing through faith, healthy grief choices, how to cope after losing a child, loss of a child, making choices in grief, moving forward after tragedy, reclaiming joy in grief

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