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Three Things a New Year Brings to Grieving Parents

The new year is now upon us. For most people, anything that is new evokes a measure of excitement with possibilities, especially a new year.

But for those who have had to face the darkness of the death of their child, new can bring almost a panicked feeling, as if we are leaving our child behind. This especially applies to the new year for those who lost their child within the past year.

 

My daughter, Becca, died on October 12, 2011. I remember feeling almost terrified that I couldn’t stop 2012 from coming, which meant I would no longer be in the same year I last shared with my daughter. It felt like another level of shutting the door on her life that I just wasn’t going to let happen. I know I don’t have to explain it to those who have lost a child, and it really can’t be explained to those who have not.

Since that time, I have come to learn that the word new doesn’t have to fill our hearts with dread and sadness. But that doesn’t mean we don’t struggle going into a new year. And as we go along, some years can be harder than others, for no apparent reason.

I wanted to share some things that a new year brings to bereaved parents, so that we can know that it isn’t just us, but that the same things affect many of us who have had a child die. It also gives an opportunity for those around us to have a better understanding of what it means for a bereaved parent to go into a new year without our child.

1. We are reminded of our intense need for others to talk about our child
2. We find ourselves with a new resolve to not leave our child behind and to find ways to honor their life
3. We renew our desperate desire for feeling less pain and sadness in our grief

Talking About Our Child

Many people around us seem to think if they bring up our deceased child that it will remind us of our loss, resulting in pain and maybe even tears.

News flash: We are already thinking of our child, and we are still hurting deeply! So, if someone mentions our child, it does just the opposite; it is a gift we are being given that our child has not been forgotten.

The other side of that is not understanding why people get freaked out when we talk about our child. As a parent, just because our child isn’t around us, doesn’t mean we don’t talk about them. It is the same for those of us whose child has died. Our children have just traveled to a place further away than most children who might take a trip. And they won’t be returning to us here; we will be going to meet them some day. But they still exist, they are still deeply loved, and they will remain in our hearts and minds until we are with them again.

The Need to Honor the Life of Our Child

When our child dies, for the first couple of years at least, our hearts are fighting to accept what our minds know. That causes us to be almost fixated on their death, which people around us usually think is wrong and unhealthy.

But the only way we can get through the darkness of our suffocating grief is to lean into it, feeling the pain of it over and over again, as our heart and soul tries to convince our minds that it just isn’t true. The pain of accepting that the death of our child is a reality is just too painful to deal with, so it is an internal struggle that affects us in every area, including mentally and physically. The internal bleeding of our souls takes a long time to be stitched up, so we can begin what would be termed as the “healing process.” (Although we never really heal. It is more like a chronic pain that is always with us. We just learn how to manage it over the years.)

And in that process, we realize we don’t want their death to be what others remember about our child, but we want to find a way that honors the fact that our child lived. (If you would like some ideas on ways to do this, see below.)

Getting Past the Intense Pain and Darkness

Here is where we must be honest with ourselves in whether we want to get past this part of our grief. As we know, there are so many reasons (that won’t make sense to those who have not lost a child) that deep down, cause us to be afraid to take steps toward hope, light, and living a life of purpose and fulfillment. The two most common reasons are that we feel guilty for even wanting to enjoy life again, and we are afraid that we are leaving our child behind by moving forward.

And to help you with that, I would like to give some suggestions to move you in the direction of seeing things with a slightly different view.

1. We aren’t just facing a new year, but it is a new month. And a new month often brings new weather. And because it is January, it means we are moving toward spring! Those of us who are in the cold northern states truly appreciate this. Yes, I understand that winter has just begun, and I know how winter makes everything look so dead (depending on where we live), and it can really affect our mood. However, it is just a season, and new life always returns, no matter how harsh or how long the winter has been.

So, it is a wonderful reminder that no matter how long or how deep into darkness our grief has taken us, spring IS coming at some point, with new life and new hope.

2. A new year brings new opportunities. Some of you may not see that as a good thing, but it does bring new opportunities to do something different that will possibly take some of the sting away. If you know it is going to be difficult, ask yourself what you can do differently that will help. Maybe you can change the focus from dwelling on your painful loss to thinking about your child’s gain and do what you can to picture them in heaven and what it is like for them.

When you have to go to an event you are dreading, what can you do to bring your child with you and have others celebrate their life with you for a moment? (Here is a blog I wrote with specific ideas on how to do that.)

So, it does bring new opportunities to move toward a healing that allows you to learn how to live in hope, light, and even move toward having meaning and purpose again. You may think that is impossible, but those of us who thought it was impossible for us as well are here to encourage you.

3. Sometimes we dread going forward, because we feel like it is taking us further away from our child who has left this earth. I have shared this before, but it is worth repeating. God graciously pointed out to me once (when I was feeling that way) that I am not getting further away from Becca, but I am getting closer to her. Each day I am here brings me one day closer to being reunited with her again!

So, a new year brings us that much closer to seeing our children again. Hoorah!!!!

New is a word that can mean hope.

A new year can bring new hope, new light, new life and new possibilities.

How about you? Do you want this coming year to be where you move away from fear and move into peace and a greater measure of healing for your shattered heart? If so, then let’s do this together!

If you would like a list of ideas on how to honor the life of your child, just let us know and we will be happy to send it your way.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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Five Suggestions to Bereaved Parents Who Have Been Told, “You Should be Over This by Now” (Part 2)

I received several emails from people who appreciated the first half of this article. I am glad it was helpful and hope the rest of it will be just as useful.  (If you missed it, click here to read it before continuing with the second half.)

I am going to start with the third suggestion, because I wasn’t quite finished. 

  1. Feed your spirit and your soul (specifically through music and reading).

I already spent time covering music and reading, but I also want to say there are many other ways to do this.

  • Being out in nature is another gift from God that has a way of soothing our soul and feeding our spirits.
  • Journaling and/or coloring is highly recommended by grief counselors, and many parents find this to be a big help. (If you have never journaled, and don’t know where to start, consider getting My Grief Journey: A Coloring Book and Journal for Grieving Parents.)
  • Spending time closed in with God is one that helped me the most, personally. I know many struggle with this one because of how angry they are with God. But He is the source of peace. Until we are able to turn to Him instead of away from Him, even in our anger, th e consistent peace we long for is going to elude us. (And if it helps any, peace doesn’t always mean the absence of pain. I have learned that peace and pain can live inside of me together.)

Now to continue with the last two on the list.

  1. Release the guilt of not attending functions that are too difficult, no matter how long ago the loss has been.

There are going to be times when going to a joyful or celebration event is going to be a slap-in-the-face reminder that your child is not here; that he or she will not be part of something they should have been right in the middle of. This will continue for many years, such as a graduation, or a birth that would have made your child an aunt or uncle.

Once again, there are a couple of options here. I have found instead of making my absence about me, I let those hosting/attending know that my absence is about them. I don’t want to dampen or possibly ruin the celebration for them and those attending by how deeply I still love and miss my child.

The other option I have found that seems to surprise people, is to ask if there can be a way to include your child. Can a toast be made to your child (and possibly others who have also passed on and are missed)? Can there be a photo placed somewhere? Can a book be set on a table where those attending can write a memory or a note to your child, letting him or her know how much they are missed? Yes, there will probably be some moments of tears, but doing something like this can give a sense of relief, as it gives you the needed grace and permission to miss your child.

When I know my daughter will be acknowledged in some way, it helps bring a healing comfort in the midst of the pain to know others miss her too, and have not forgotten her. Will there be tears? Probably. Do I care? Not anymore. They are tears of a love that will never be quenched until I am with her again, and I don’t care if people around me understand that or not.

  1. Connect with others who are ahead of you on this rocky road of grief who get it, and will walk with you in the darkness and be the light of hope you need.

When we see and know others who have faced the death of their child and not only survived, but are somehow living a life of meaning and purpose again, it gives us hope that somehow, it must be possible.

For almost two years, I didn’t want to go to any conferences that were for grieving parents. (I also didn’t go to any grief support groups, but that was because I didn’t know of any in my area.) I didn’t want to be around a bunch of people who were a mess like me, thinking we would just sit around all morbid, cry about our kids, and I would leave feeling worse than when I arrived.

I found the exact opposite to be true. It was wonderful and healing to be in a room full of people who were a mess like me. They “got it.” I didn’t have to explain anything to anyone. I didn’t have to feel guilty for laughing, or for a few tears that fell at strange times. It was an instant bonding with people I had never met, and I made life-long friends who are very precious to me.

A word of caution though. Make sure you are connecting with parents who will acknowledge your grief, but also be a light of hope that you can and will get past the suffocating darkness. We all know our lives will never be the same, but some parents are stuck in that darkness, and tell others behind them that they won’t ever get out, either. Keep looking until you find those who give you the hope you need.

As I said at the very beginning of this two-part article, the people around you are not going to understand. I sure didn’t know this depth of suffocating darkness even existed until Becca died. And I hope those around us never have to find out for themselves.

Unfortunately, there may be some who remain insensitive and continually pick at our open wound of grief, who will have to be shut out of our lives. Almost every bereaved parent I have met has said their circle of friends made a shift because of lack of understanding and support when it was needed the most. That isn’t always an option though, especially when it is someone in our family.  I pray these five suggestions will help you in a way that rises you above the painful conflict, to a place of rest and peace. And may you have hope that the light is not far away, because those of us who carry it, are walking with you.

If you would like a list of these five suggestions in a printable version you can put somewhere to see as a reminder, just let us know and we will get it right to you.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

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How to Give Yourself a Measure of Healing after the Death of Your Child

With the death of our child comes such intense darkness. Most of us lose our desire to live. We know it sounds crazy, especially those of us who have other children, spouses we love deeply, careers we enjoy, and so on. But we just feel so lost and helpless when our child leaves this earth. There are no words to adequately describe the depth of our pain and darkness, confusion and turmoil.

We must go through the grieving and 14. must go through itmourning process. We cannot go around it. And it always takes  so much longer than we want it to, or think it will. I remember two years in saying, “I just want to stop hurting so bad!”. Since that time, I have had several pareavors (bereaved parents) tell me the same thing.

There are two things that I have found which help with this process. I won’t say they necessarily speed it up, but they seem to ease the pain as we move forward to a place of hope and light again.

  1. Don’t isolate yourself. I am not talking about doing things like going to church, or family events. I am talking about spending time with other pareavors, who are further down this road than you are.

It took me almost three years before I spent time with other bereaved moms. At first, it was because I couldn’t find anyone in my area who had lost a child and was reaching out to those of us who had just recently faced the same devastation. Then, after a while, I didn’t want to. I was a mess, and I didn’t want to be in a group of people who were a mess like me! I didn’t want to sit around crying and boohooing with others about our children dying, feeling even worse when I left than when I arrived.

As I was coming up on the three-year anniversary of Becca’s death, I made myself go to a conference I heard about in a nearby state. It was a three-hour drive, and I had to arrive the night before. Sitting in my hotel room by myself, my hotel phone rang. It was Lynn Breeden, the host of the event, asking me if I wanted to join her and her team for dinner. I was scared. I was depressed. Everything in me screamed, “RUUUUUUN!” But I found myself saying yes, and heading downstairs.

14. a mess like meI was immediately embraced with warmth and love and acceptance. I felt like a long-lost sister! I am tearing up right now, just thinking about it.

That weekend was a huge turning point in my taking steps toward healing. I discovered it was actually comforting to be around a group of people who were a mess like me. And we didn’t just sit around and cry. We shared our children with each other, we laughed, we heard words of hope and encouragement, and yes, there were tears. But when they came, I didn’t have to explain or make excuses. Everyone there completely understood.

All that to say, don’t be afraid to connect with other pareavors, especially those who can be a guide, walking with you out of your darkness and back into a place of hope and light again. And if there are no groups in your area, there are many ways to connect online with us or others who are doing just that.

  1. Find a cause. Don’t let the death of your child be wasted. What was something he or she strongly believed in? Can you do something to fight their cause of death to prevent others from going through what you are going through? Did they have a favorite sport or activity that you can get behind, raising and donating money or starting a scholarship fund in his or her name?

When Becca died, I tried to find books 14. find a causeand online groups to help pull me out of the suffocating darkness, but so much of what was out there was despair and hopelessness, telling me that life would never be the same and never be worth living. I had a hard time with that.

While I knew my life would never be the same, I also knew I had the Seed of Hope living inside of me. He was not blindsided by her death like I was. Even though it made no sense to me and the pain was beyond what I even thought was possible, I knew He had to have a plan. I was determined to be like Jacob, wrestling with Him and not letting go until I could see some sort of a blessing from this horror!

And I did! One night I woke up in the middle of the night with a book title and ideas for chapters. I got up and wrote it down, and shortly after, started on my first book. One day at a conference, I ended up in a conversation with a New York publisher who asked me to send what I had his way, and five weeks later was offered a contract for When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child. Once I started writing, it was like a dam inside of me burst, as I published five books in only thirteen months.

During this time, people I didn’t even know started reaching out to me to help them with the loss of their child (and a couple of friends who suffered losses shortly after us). I realized I did not want other parents to have the same struggle I had after Becca’s death, only finding darkness and hopelessness. So, Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) was founded.

14. Speaker Paul RyanWe recently had the blessing of spending some time with Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan. He was so very gracious, and thanked us for reaching out in our pain to other grieving parents. We were also able to make him aware of the Parental Bereavement Leave Act in committee right now, which is a needed amendment to the FMLA, allowing twelve weeks of unpaid leave for grieving parents (like it does when a child is born or adopted).

I have been in complete awe that in only two short years, between my books and speaking, I have been able to touch literally thousands of grieving parents with hope, after the death of their child.

I can’t even begin to describe what all of this has done for me in the healing process! And I am convinced from the dozens of parents I have talked to directly, reaching out of your pain to help someone else will do the same for you.

As I shared in the beginning, we must all go through the grieving and mourning process. We cannot go around it. And it always takes so much longer than we want it to, or think it will. I want to encourage you, if you are like I was, crying out “I just want to stop hurting so bad!”, find a way to do these two things, and you will be on your way to making that happen.

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I would love for you to meet my precious friend, Pastor Lynn Breeden, whom I mentioned above. She was one of the speakers at our recent online conference (Virtual Summit for Bereaved Parents). To watch the session “Does it Ever Get Better?” submit your name and email below, and we will send you a link to unlock this bonus session from our Virtual Summit.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

 

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