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December 16, 2018 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

Looking Out the Window of Fear

Fear brings torment, and as parents grieving the earthly loss of our child, it is easy to feel the full weight of that torment.

What are some of those fears?

• That going forward with your life will cause those around you to forget your child ever lived
• That there will be moments when you don’t think about or even miss your child
• That laughing or having fun without your child means you’re a bad parent
• That you may lose your other children, making it hard to let them go (either out of your sight or to grow up and be on their own)
• That your child may not be in heaven     

If we are afraid of something, it means that thing has more power over us than we do over it. So, if we are afraid to face the pain of our grief and work our way through it, our fear will continue to control us.

There is something much more powerful than our deepest fears: God’s love for us! God’s perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). If we have fear, it is because we don’t believe in His perfect love for us. And that’s understandable, because it is hard to reconcile in our minds how we can trust a God who says He loves us and yet allowed this terrible thing to happen to our child and to us.

I can offer no easy fix or solution to this, although it is very black-and-white. We either believe God is good and Satan is evil, or we don’t. We either fear that God isn’t big enough or we have faith that He is more than enough.

Making a Shift in How You See God

I want to share with you a few things to help make a shift in how you see God in the midst of your fears, caused by the pain of your tragedy.

1.  Some parents are helped by the realization that their child is not missing; he or she is simply absent.

To be absent means not to be present for the moment. The Bible says that for someone who has accepted the gift of salvation, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:8).

This is one of those times where perspective can change everything. I can either focus on my personal loss that my child is absent from this earth, or I can focus on the fact that my child is present with the Lord. My daughter, Becca, is absent from my presence for now, but not forever.

2. Reading the book of Psalms in the Bible can be extremely helpful.

Over and over the writer cries out for help from a very dark place of despair. And God responds by being a rock, a refuge and help in times of need. I spend a lot of time there when I “relapse” and find myself struggling with the pain and reality that Becca is gone from this earth and I won’t see her again until I join her in heaven.

3. Don’t keep looking back, allowing yourself to be paralyzed by the pain.

I am so sorry to say this, and I am not trying to be cruel, but simply want to set you free; no matter how much you want your child’s life back, it isn’t going to happen. I did that, and here is what God spoke to me one day.

Laura, DON’T LOOK BACK! Go forward with everything you’ve got! Lot’s wife looked back and she was frozen to a place where she died. She could not go anywhere because she looked back. I know that may seem harsh, but it will become a tormenting fear that will paralyze you. Don’t look back at the crushing; if you look back to ponder and relive the death, you won’t be able to walk in the power of My resurrection life… You will grow stronger in it each day you come up to Me to drink. Drink daily. Drink deeply. For it will truly be a wellspring of life in you and through you.

I have made the choice to refuse to remain focused on the pain of my loss. I am determined to go forward, focused on who and what I still have. I have given God the shattered pieces of my life and am watching Him not only fix it but make it into something that is actually beautiful. Only a God who specializes in miracles can do that!

I also refuse to live in fear of the “what ifs” of more loss. If that happens, I know that I know that I know God will give me the grace I need to get through it. Why waste my time on the darkness of fearing what will probably never happen? I would much rather live my life full of light and hope of a better tomorrow, both here on earth and in my eternal home with Becca. You and I both are blessed with so much that has not been taken from us. Most of us know that in our heads and are waiting for our hearts to catch up.

What fears are you carrying right now? Are they things God would have you carry? Let me answer that for you. No, they are not. So, are you willing to lay them down at the feet of Jesus, who is sitting on His throne as King, and leave them there so you can move forward in freedom?

Fear and faith have the same root, which is belief in the unknown.

Which “unknown” are you going to start believing in and acting on? I recommend faith.

 

This article is adapted from Chapter 8 of the book When Tragedy Strikes. To receive the full chapter, which includes discussing the fear of our child not being in heaven, simply submit your name and email address and it will be sent directly to you immediately.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
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Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: child loss healing, confronting grief and fear, coping with grief and fear, dealing with fear after child loss, faith during grief, faith in grief, fear and grief after losing a child, fear of forgetting your child, finding healing after child loss, God's love in grief, grief and faith after child death, grieving parents faith, healing through fear, moving forward after loss, moving forward with faith, overcoming fear after child loss

December 26, 2017 by Laura Diehl 4 Comments

How Can I Go Into the New Year Without My Child?

I remember as we were heading into the new year, two months after my daughter, Becca, died. I was horrified at the thought of “leaving her behind.” It felt like going into a new year without her was another finality of her death that I just wasn’t ready to accept.

Who can possibly celebrate the future, when my daughter would not be with us? “Out with the old and in with the new” brought heaviness and panic attacks, not excitement.

God knew that. He knew how heavy my heart was. He knew I didn’t want to continue with anything new. He knew I wasn’t ready to let go in a way that would allow me to see hope in a future without Becca. He knew I was deep in suffocating grief, and it didn’t shake His faithfulness to me one little bit.

As I closed myself in with Him day after day, crying buckets of tears and sharing my hurt and pain with Him, He sat with me. He stayed with me in all of my sobbing, ugliness, confusion and depression.

And in my moments of brokenness, when I wanted to hear what He had to say that would bring a measure of healing to my completely shattered heart, He was always ready to comfort me and speak to me.

Sometimes it would be through a song that came on my CD player that I kept running 24-7 or on the radio. Sometimes it was a chapter in the Bible, or as little as half of a verse, as I would pick up His Word and search for help. Sometimes it was through an act of kindness from a family member or friend. But most of the time, it was that still, small voice that spoke to my heart as I sat in my brokenness.

I spent lots of my time journaling. I wrote my scrambled thoughts and asked Him questions. And quite often, I found myself writing what I heard God speaking to me in my heart in answer to those questions.

You see, something I had come to realize in a much deeper way than ever before, is that God isn’t just “out there” somewhere. He is actually inside me. Because I have invited Jesus to be Lord of my life, the Spirit of God dwells in me. I don’t have to wait for God to come to me from somewhere out there. I can quiet myself and listen to His still small voice from inside of me, speaking peace, bringing comfort.

Whatever I need, He is already inside of me to meet that need. The amazing thing is that He is also sitting on His throne at the exact same time. And I can come boldly to that throne of our gracious God to receive His mercy and find His help which I so desperately need (Hebrews 4:16).

So as I found myself struggling so deeply with the horrific thought of getting further and further away from Becca, I asked God to help me by giving me His thoughts. He so graciously showed me that the truth is actually something totally different from what was in my thoughts.

Every day I live on this earth brings me closer to my own departure date, and closer to Becca, not further away from her! Wow! That truth set me free! I still have moments when I have those thoughts, and they can still make me cry. But I am not overwhelmed by them, as I now believe a truth that is deeper than my pain: I am getting closer to her, not further away from her.

Here are a couple of scriptures that have also helped me continue moving forward.

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:13-14 NIV).

This doesn’t say we are forgetting and leaving our children behind us. That will never happen! I see it as an encouragement to “press on toward the goal,” which to me is learning how to live a full and meaningful life again, with the “prize of the upward call” being eternity with Him and with my child and others I love who are patiently waiting for me to join them.

We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal (2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV).

I am SO thankful for this, and constantly remind myself this world is only temporary. What a relief!

It is so hard to believe, but this will be my seventh new year without Becca. God has continued to comfort and strengthen me, putting the pieces of my heart back together in a way that I am complete, and yet forever broken. And I’m okay with that, because I will be one year closer to being with my Becca forever!

How about you? Is there a scripture that you have held on to within the grief that has been a comfort or an anchor of hope? Please share it with us in the comments.

In my book When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, I share some of my journaling and what God spoke to me. To receive chapter 11, The Pillar of Your Thoughts and Words, just provide your name and email address and we will get it right to you.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: 2 Corinthians 4:18, child loss and faith, Christian grief support, coping with grief and loss, dealing with loss of a child, embracing grief, faith after the death of a child, faith in grief, finding hope in grief, God’s comfort in grief, grieving after child loss, healing through faith, hope after child death, moving forward after loss, Philippians 3:13-14

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