If you are coping with your child’s birthday after losing a child, you already know there is something about this day that feels different from all the others. We try to prepare ourselves. We know it’s coming. And yet, when it arrives, it can still take our breath away.
Your child’s birthday holds memories that run deep. You may find yourself thinking about what you should be doing, such as making a favorite meal, planning a celebration, picking out a cake. Those thoughts don’t really go away. They stay with us, quietly reminding us of what once was and what should still be.
As the years go on, something else can make this day even harder. It can feel like fewer people remember. Fewer people acknowledge the day that changed your life forever. And that hurts, because to you, this day still matters deeply.
The truth is, coping with your child’s birthday after losing a child is not about trying to ignore the pain. It is about learning how to hold both the pain and the love at the same time.
Why Your Child’s Birthday Still Matters
This week is my daughter, Becca’s, birthday. She is “forever 29” but would be turning 44. I have a hard time wrapping my head around this, which is why our children’s birthdays are on my mind right now.
Sometimes others don’t understand why we still want to acknowledge our child’s birthday when they are no longer here. But the reason is simple. When a human being is created and comes into this world, it is a big deal.
Your child’s life did not lose its value because their time here was shorter than it should have been. Their birthday is still the day they entered this world. It is still the day you became their mom or dad. (Some of you who adopted your child have an added third day of when you became their mom or dad.)
Nothing can take that away.
Coping with your child’s birthday after losing a child may look different than it once did, but it does not mean the day has lost its meaning. In many ways, it becomes even more sacred.
There Is No “Right” Way to Walk Through This Day
You may not feel like celebrating your child’s birthday. It may feel too painful to even consider. And if that is where you are, that is okay.
There is no right or wrong way to move through this day.
For some parents, the birthday feels heavier than the anniversary of their child’s death. It can be the day that reminds us of all the hopes, dreams, and future moments that never came to be. Even years later, this day can suddenly hit with unexpected intensity.
Coping with your child’s birthday after losing a child means giving yourself permission to feel what you feel, without judgment.
You may cry. You may feel numb. You may want to be alone, or you may want to be surrounded by others. And sometimes, even when you are surrounded by people, you may still feel alone. That is part of this journey, too.
Finding Ways to Honor Your Child
While there is no one right way, many grieving parents find comfort in discovering personal ways to honor their child on their birthday.
Some choose to bake their child’s favorite cake. Some take it to a homeless shelter, sharing that gift in their child’s name. Others visit the cemetery, release balloons, or gather with family to share memories.
Some parents donate gifts, serve meals, or give to causes their child would have loved. Others write letters, buy something meaningful, or quietly reflect on the day their child came into the world.
Coping with your child’s birthday after losing a child can also mean doing something different each year, depending on where your heart is in that season.
What matters is not what you do. It is the love behind it.
Each act, no matter how small, says, “You mattered. You still matter. I still love you.”
Holding Both the Pain and the Gift
There is a tension that we carry as grieving parents. We want our child with us, and we know that is not possible. That reality can break our hearts over and over again.
And yet, within that pain, there is also the gift of having had them.
Coping with your child’s birthday after losing a child means learning, slowly and gently, how to hold both. The sorrow of their absence and the gratitude for their life.
Some days, the sorrow will feel heavier. Other days, there may be a small glimpse of something else, like a memory that brings a soft smile, a moment of warmth, even a quiet laugh.
If that happens, it is okay. Those moments are not a betrayal of your grief. They are a reflection of your love.
You Are Not Alone in This
As your child’s birthday comes, however it comes, I want you to know this: you are not alone.
Whether your day is filled with tears, quiet remembrance, or a simple act of honoring your child, it all matters. Your love for your child did not end, and it never will.
Coping with your child’s birthday after losing a child is not about getting through the day “the right way.” It is about allowing your heart to remember, to honor, and to love in the way that only you can.
A Gentle Encouragement for the Day
Whenever this day approaches for you, I want to gently remind you that your child’s life is still worth honoring. You are allowed to remember them. You are allowed to speak their name. You are allowed to acknowledge the day they entered this world.
And if all you can do is cry, that is enough. If all you can do is whisper their name, that is enough. And if somewhere in that day there is even the smallest moment of peace, or a memory that brings a hint of a smile, that is okay too.
Your child’s birthday still matters. Your love still matters. And the life you shared with your child will always be a part of you.
NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 344. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.
Click here to start Reflections of Hope – a full year of daily encouragement, one day at a time
Click here to read about Becca’s journey as shared by Laura from childhood cancer to her heart issues leading to her passing.
Click here to find out why Laura keeps using the word “pareavor?
Click here to listen to I Remember Well, since I will be playing the song
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AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.
In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.
For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.
The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope.
extremely evil generation. He was mocked and ridiculed as he walked in obedience to God by building an ark on dry ground for 100 years. Then his home, every extended family member and friend he had ever made in life were wiped out. Only Noah and his immediate family were spared because of God’s favor.
Does that look like our definition of favor? When we ask for God’s Divine favor, our mind goes to things like not being in financial difficulty, not having health issues, not having our children wandering in sin, and on and on it goes. And there is no question that God wants to, and will do those things for us.
favor might look like to those who don’t understand, and who might even mock, criticize, and judge us. We need to learn to walk in faith, trusting God with full surrender in whatever it is He wants to work into our lives. That does not mean it will be easy, but we can be confident that we will be enabled with His strength, wisdom, and guidance.
