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186: Grief and Coping with the Holidays

As we come into the end-of-the-year holiday season, it can help to hear from others who are further down the road and can offer some encouragement and guidance. Lynda Cheldelin Fell is one of those pareavors.

Lynda has ten tips to share with us as we go through the emotional kaleidoscope of missing our child during a time of year that is full of festivities and “joy”.

 

Lynda Cheldelin Fell is a founding partner of the International Grief Institute and international bestselling author of over 35 books including the award winning Grief Diaries series. Linda has a background in trauma, grief, and holds a national certification in critical incident stress management. She has earned six national literary awards and five national advocacy award nominations for her work.

(Note: The views and opinions of our guests outside of this podcast may not be in agreement with GPS Hope.)

 

Links Mentioned in this episode:

Join the discussion! Leave a question or comment on today’s talk here.

To connect with Lynda: LyndaFell.com  or internationalgriefinstitute.com

Go to the GPS Hope store to order When Tragedy Strikes and get My Grief Journey for FREE (through November 30).

Click here to find out more about joining Laura live on Sunday evenings for advent, and about the book Hope for the Future: An Advent Journey for Bereaved Parents.

Choose GPS Hope as your charity of choice on Smile Amazon here.

 

Click here to become a monthly partner, giving hope to other parents, or to give a special gift to keep this podcast going, along with providing  other needed resources to bereaved parents.

(GPS Hope is a 501c3 nonprofit and runs on the financial support of those who believe in passing along the hope they have received to others.)

 

Birthdays:

Austin Lotterman was born on November 20 and is forever 8 ½.

Benjamin Krawiec was born on November 21 and is forever 32.

Logan Singer was born on November 21 and is forever 17.

Jacinda Avina was born on November 22 and is forever 18.

Jacob LeTourneau was born on November 22 and is forever 21.

Skylar Spencer was born on November 23 and is forever 24.

Melissa Sulikowski Hill was born on November 23 and is forever 38.

Josie Floyd was born on November 24 and is forever 25.

Austin Delgado was born on November 26 and is forever 21.

Tyler Green was born on November 26 and is forever 27.

If you would like your child mentioned on the podcast the week of his or her birthday, click here to fill out the short form with the needed information.

The special song written for our children’s birthdays I Remember Well can be heard here.

Remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is HOPE!

www.gpshope.org

 

To have Laura come and minister at your event, contact us at office@gpshope.org.

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.

It is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgment in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.

 

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Strength and Stability After Child Loss

After the death of our child our world has been completely shattered and we desperately need strength and stability. In our heads, we know that comes from God, but in our hearts many of His promises can now seem very distant.

Isaiah 61:3 is a familiar verse to many of us, which tells us that God will give a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. But did you know there is more to the verse?

It goes on to say, “… that they will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.” (ESV)

I broke this verse down into four parts on a recent episode of the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast, on how I see this applying to us as pareavors.

  1. Being called oaks
  2. Of righteousness
  3. Being planted by the Lord
  4. God being glorified (and our struggles with that within child loss)

I am just going to share my thoughts on one of those here, which is the first one; how we will be called oaks of righteousness. Some versions simply say trees, but it is not just any tree. So, why an oak tree? Let’s look at some of its characteristics.

  • It starts with such a small beginning, a tiny acorn, but it grows to become one of the largest and strongest trees.
  • The growth of an oak tree is very gradual. It can be so slow that you don’t notice it year-to-year. Then suddenly you realize how big it has gotten and how much it has grown.
  • Oak trees go through seasons. In the spring they bud with new growth; in the summer they are full of green leaves; autumn causes the leaves to change color, eventually falling to the ground and leaving a dead-looking tree through the winter.
  • It endures storms, great winds, ice and snow. It also absorbs the sun and the rain. All of this is needed to bring an oak tree to its place of full maturity.

This is an amazing picture of us. We truly can go from our place of deep grief, despondency, despair, hopelessness, and even feeling like we have died ourselves, to being like a fully mature tree, producing fruit.

It starts out so small, and that little acorn has to be buried in the ground. Breaking out of the shell and popping to the surface takes so long that we think it has died. We think we have died along with our child, and they just forgot to bury us. Plus, it can take so long to feel joy and meaning again that it confirms the darkness of our thoughts that we will never get back out into light and life again.

The growth can be so slow that we don’t think anything is even happening.

Even though there is no apparent life in us, we are just dormant for our season of deep grief.

You and I eventually become stronger through the storms, as we continue to soak up any nourishment provided. In that place of maturity, an oak tree buds and blossoms, producing fruit, and so will we, even becoming a place where others can come to for shelter.

Here is something interesting about oak trees that I did not share in the podcast episode. You can find oak trees around the globe growing in all kinds of different soil types, rainfall levels, temperatures, and elevations.

That tells me that no matter the situation of our child’s death (including losing more than one child or your only child, through murder, drug overdose or suicide, a long illness, or completely unexpected) we can get to a place of growing and flourishing again. We can still have a life of meaning and purpose, not in spite of our child’s death, but because of his or her life.

As I said, I shared some personal insights on all four parts of this section of scripture. If you would like to know the rest, listen to episode 184 of the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on the GPS Hope website, or find it on your favorite listening app. You can also listen on the GPS Hope YouTube channel here.

If you would like to hear what I shared about the beginning of Isaiah 61:3 just click the links below.

180: Can We Ever Have Beauty Again After Child Loss (with Lin Findlay)

182: God Does Not Say He Will Give Us Joy for Our Grief

183: The Heavy Weight of Grief After Child Loss (with Angelique Marketon)

 

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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185: Our Struggles with Thanksgiving and Child Loss

All the holidays are a struggle, but Thanksgiving is unique in that the entire purpose is to be thankful and grateful for the ways God has blessed us. If you are in those first two to three years of child loss, you may not feel even remotely blessed, believing it is impossible to have anything to be thankful for.

This episode is not to pump you up, trying to help you find things to be thankful for. Instead, author Laura Diehl, talks about how real and valid the struggle is by reading an email she received from someone who has been on this journey for over 20 years.

Laura also shares an illustration of why this is the case, both for your own benefit and to be able to explain to others who think “getting into the holiday spirit” is what you need.

 

Links Mentioned in this episode:

Click here to find out more about the live reading and lighting of candles during advent based on Laura’s book Hope for the Future:An Advent Journey for Bereaved Parents.

Click here to order Hope for the Future on Amazon using the GPS Hope affiliate link. (A small amount of your purchase price will benefit this ministry.)

To contact Dave and Laura to get together as they travel in the Hope Mobile send an email to office@gpshope.org.

 

Birthdays:

Casen Sancraint was born on November 14 and left us at age 10.

Lara Ann was born on November 17 and left us at age 15.

Timothy Krawiec was born on November 17 and left us at age 27.

Cord Ramsey Davis was born on November 18 and left us at age 24.

Philip Bouthillier was born on November 19 and left us at age 49.

 

Fill out the short form with the needed information to have your child’s birthday shared with our listeners.

The special song “I Remember Well“, which was written by Laura for our children’s birthdays, can be heard on your favorite music app. To hear samples of Laura’s other songs, click here.

 

Remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is HOPE!

www.gpshope.org

 

Would you like to have Laura come and speak to your group? Contact us at office@gpshope.org.

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.

It is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgment in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.

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184: Strength and Stability After Child Loss

The last few episodes have been discussing Isaiah 61:3 that says God will give those who mourn a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy for their mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of heaviness and despair.

This verse continues to say they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

In this final episode on Isaiah 61:3, Laura takes an interesting look at how this last part of the verse also applies to us as bereaved parents.

To comment or join in the conversation, click here.

Links Mentioned in this episode:

To join thousands of other parents recieving the Weekly Word of Hope click here.

To contact Dave and Laura to get together as they travel in the Hope Mobile send an email to office@gpshope.org.

 

Birthdays:

Beau-Dean Gordon was born on November 10 and left us at age 23.

David Shelton was born on November 11 and left us at age 23.

Nathan Theriault was born on November 11 and left us at age 2.

Austin Augustine was born on November 14 and left us at age16.

 

Fill out the short form with the needed information to have your child’s birthday shared with our listeners.

The special song “I Remember Well“, which was written by Laura for our children’s birthdays, can be heard on your favorite music app. To hear samples of Laura’s other songs, click here.

 

Remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is HOPE!

www.gpshope.org

 

Would you like to have Laura come and speak to your group? Contact us at office@gpshope.org.

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.

It is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgment in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.

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God Does Not Say He Will Give Us Joy for our Grief

Many of us are familiar with Isaiah 61:3 that tells us God will give us the oil of joy for our mourning.

Did you know there is a difference between mourning and grief? Mourning is the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died. Grief is what we think and feel on the inside when our child (or someone we love) dies. It is the loneliness, the fear, depression, emptiness, etc. Mourning is the outward expression of our grief, the act of sorrowing.

This is huge because I always thought this verse meant that God would replace my grief with joy, but that is not what He is saying.

If you are like me, the death of my daughter, Becca, became my identity. When I met someone, I wanted to introduce myself as, “Hi, I’m Laura, and my daughter died.” I wanted people to know what I was going through and how much pain I was in.

I believe this is what God was talking about in this verse. He is saying that he will take away our need to express our grief. We will grieve for the rest of our lives, but we won’t always mourn. We will not always have a need to constantly express the pain of our loss.

I want to point out that joy and laughter are still important in our lives. The physical healing that takes place in our bodies with a good laugh is incredible. God is the one who created our bodies to respond to laughter, which means happiness is important to Him!

Psalm 2:4 says that God sits on His throne and laughs.

Ecclesiastes 3:4 tells us there is a time to laugh.

In Job 8:21 we read He will fill our mouths with laughter.

I am not saying this to imply that we are to live from a place of happiness and laughter with our child gone. What I am saying is that God wants to replace your mourning – your expression of the pain of missing your child – with His Spirit, to eventually be able to express joy and even happiness for the good things that are still in your life (and are yet to come).

The first step we need to take is to believe having joy in our lives again is even possible, and then to actually want it back in our lives. Joy comes from a place of hope. Proverbs 10:28 (ESV) says, The hope of the righteous brings joy.

The final enemy to be defeated is death itself, and that is something to look forward to and get excited about. This means that instead of the outward expression of missing our child, it is possible to carry the outward expression of our excitement of seeing them again!

Can you start to see how it is possible for God to give us the oil of joy for our mourning?

There is joy on the other side of our pain. But you don’t have to wait for the fullness of it until you are with your child again, because right now, God wants to give you the oil of joy for your mourning.

Now may God, the fountain of hope, fill you to overflowing with uncontainable joy and perfect peace as you trust in him. And may the power of the Holy Spirit continually surround your life with his super-abundance until you radiate with hope! Romans 15:13 (TPT)

This was only part of a recent episode of the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast. To listen to it in its entirety directly on the GPS Hope website, click here. If you would like to listen to it on the GPS Hope YouTube channel, click here. Or you can find it (Grieving Parents Sharing Hope: Episode 182) on your favorite listening app.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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