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Your Lost Identity When Your Child Dies

Our identity is so important, and when we lose our child, a huge part of our identity has been stripped from us, even if we have other children still here (but especially if we do not).

In the Bible, in the book of Exodus, chapter three, God shares with Moses that He has seen the pain and misery of His people. He has heard them crying. He is concerned about their suffering. And He has a plan to help them out of their pain, to move them forward into the fullness of who He promised they would be, if they would allow it.

When we are in the darkness of our crushing pain, most of us don’t even think it is possible to move out of the darkness into a place of light, much less have meaning and purpose in our lives ever again. I have heard so many times, “Well, maybe you have found peace and hope and have a life worth living, and I am glad for you, but I just don’t see that happening for me.” Guess what? I THOUGHT THE SAME THING!

After my daughter, Becca, died, I was in such a pit of suffocating darkness, but had no idea how to get out and didn’t think I ever could. And I was absolutely right! I couldn’t.

But I was also determined to hang on to God with anything and everything I possibly could, no matter what. And quite often, that was not holding on to Him at all, but letting Him hold on to me as I just cried and sobbed. And I am talking not just weeks, but months and on into the second and third year after her death.

The added horror of thinking that I was going to live out the rest of my life here on earth just waiting to die, while stuck in the shell of my earthly body, was terrifying to me. Especially when my head knew I still had things to live for, but my heart just wouldn’t allow me to believe it and want to live.

So, I started making myself think about what I knew about my God before the unthinkable happened.

• I AM with you and will NEVER leave you or forsake you
• I AM able – NOTHING is impossible for Him
• I AM a promise keeper (which we often misunderstand or misconstrue)
• I AM love itself
• I AM your comforter
• I AM light in the darkness
• I AM the Prince of Peace
• I AM life, and resurrection power is my specialty
• I AM the one who counts all of your tears and keeps them in a bottle
• I AM the lover of your soul
• I AM all-knowing and all-powerful
• I AM the giver of life, of hope, of rest
• I AM the One who makes a way when there is no way
• I AM the Alpha and O mega, the beginning and end of everything (He will always have the final word!)
• I AM the provider of eternal life
• I AM your rock, your anchor, and the tower you can run to for security
• I AM everything you need

What I have come to know is that because of the identity of the great I AM, my identity, and therefore my life, is not over here on this earth, and I am okay with that. And even more importantly, my identity is tied to Him more than anything or anyone else, which is still slowly bringing a new measure of freedom in my life that I have never had before.

God was not blindsided by Becca’s death. He didn’t reach His limits when she left this earth, and was suddenly unable to bring light into darkness, no matter how deep and black that darkness is.

In other words, He did not stop being I AM, and all that it means, because I stopped being the me I knew as Becca’s mom. He is the exact same God I loved and trusted before He allowed Becca to go ahead of me to our eternal home. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He was, and is, and is to come. He isn’t the one whose identity changed. His identity is sure and secure, proven throughout thousands of years.

That meant I had to find out who He really is, instead of who I thought He was. And you probably need to as well. And the only way I know for us to become unscrambled in this area of our lost identity, and become all that God created and intended for us to be, is to seek to understand God’s identity as the I AM, within our deep pain and grief.

Go ahead, be mad at Him. It’s okay. That is part of how we find out who He really is. Because no matter how we feel about Him or treat Him, He still is the same incredibly secure and great I AM. And that is something to be extremely thankful for.

Because of God’s identity being I AM, you can still have identity, purpose and meaning after the death of your child. It will take a while, but I and many other bereaved parents can tell you that it is worth pursuing and fighting for! And please know that we are here for you, to walk with you to that place, without shaming you or judging you, no matter how long it takes.

Laura has written a book, Triple Crown Transformation, that has a chapter about our identity.  Let us know if you would like to receive this as a free downloadable eBook. (It is also available on Amazon in paperback and audiobook.)


Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

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They are More Full of Life Now Than Ever

With the death of our child, we have to go through at least one memorial service of some kind. For some of us, there is absolutely no way we can even think about standing up in front of others and sharing anything. Others find the strength to do so, whether it is the grace of God or out of our numbness (or a bit of both).

I, personally, fell into the second category. The numbness was definitely there, because for almost three years afterwards, I didn’t remember what I said at Becca’s funeral, and it really bothered me. To make it worse, I couldn’t find the paper with my notes.

I was so happy when it showed up, and kind of surprised at what I found written. My own words that I spoke at my daughter’s funeral were an encouragement, and they still are for me today. Here is part of it.

The name Rebecca means faithful. And she has now heard the words “Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of your Lord!” She knew it was time to hear those words and she was ready.

It is all a matter of perspective.

 Romans 8:18-25, “Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)” (NLT)

 Second Corinthians 4:8-9 is actually the verse to a song she used to sing on the worship team at church, always singing it as a solo—her personal declaration in the midst of what she was dealing with. “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed” (NIV). The song goes on to say how we are blessed beyond the curse because His promises will endure; that His joy is going to be my strength. It talks about trading our sorrows, our sickness, and our pain for the joy of the Lord.”

The chapter goes on in verses 17-18 and on into the next chapter, “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. So we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling…so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life” (NIV)

Becca is actually now more alive than we are!

Yes, we all go through the numbness of being in survival mode, for the first two or three years. We can’t find our way out of the suffocating darkness; we just want to stop hurting so much and most of us just want to be done here. I am not discounting or minimizing that at all.

But there comes a time down the road when we can begin to make some choices in our grief. And one of those is our perspective.

When I think of my loss, and how much I miss my daughter, I can still fall into the darkness of grief. But it helps tremendously when I remind myself that

  • we are blessed beyond the curse of death
  • this is not a permanent separation
  • I will see my child and others again
  • God’s promise is that the glory revealed in us can’t even be compared to our suffering

We are not physical beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a physical experience. That means that what is happening in the spirit realm is more real than the physical realm we are living in. And that is why I could say, as soon as Becca’s spirit left her body, that she is more full of life than any of us still here on earth. The same is true for your child as well.

I believed every word of that when I spoke it at Becca’s memorial service. I believed every word of that in the blackness of my depression and in the crushing darkness of grieving Becca’s death. And I still believe it with every fiber of my being today.

Becca loved to worship and was known for some of the songs she wrote.

Her personal favorite had even more meaning after her death and was sung at her funeral and etched on the back of her tombstone. If you would like to receive a copy of the words to this song, Before the Throne, just let us know below.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

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Five Suggestions to Bereaved Parents Who Have Been Told, “You Should be Over This by Now” (Part 2)

I received several emails from people who appreciated the first half of this article. I am glad it was helpful and hope the rest of it will be just as useful.  (If you missed it, click here to read it before continuing with the second half.)

I am going to start with the third suggestion, because I wasn’t quite finished. 

  1. Feed your spirit and your soul (specifically through music and reading).

I already spent time covering music and reading, but I also want to say there are many other ways to do this.

  • Being out in nature is another gift from God that has a way of soothing our soul and feeding our spirits.
  • Journaling and/or coloring is highly recommended by grief counselors, and many parents find this to be a big help. (If you have never journaled, and don’t know where to start, consider getting My Grief Journey: A Coloring Book and Journal for Grieving Parents.)
  • Spending time closed in with God is one that helped me the most, personally. I know many struggle with this one because of how angry they are with God. But He is the source of peace. Until we are able to turn to Him instead of away from Him, even in our anger, th e consistent peace we long for is going to elude us. (And if it helps any, peace doesn’t always mean the absence of pain. I have learned that peace and pain can live inside of me together.)

Now to continue with the last two on the list.

  1. Release the guilt of not attending functions that are too difficult, no matter how long ago the loss has been.

There are going to be times when going to a joyful or celebration event is going to be a slap-in-the-face reminder that your child is not here; that he or she will not be part of something they should have been right in the middle of. This will continue for many years, such as a graduation, or a birth that would have made your child an aunt or uncle.

Once again, there are a couple of options here. I have found instead of making my absence about me, I let those hosting/attending know that my absence is about them. I don’t want to dampen or possibly ruin the celebration for them and those attending by how deeply I still love and miss my child.

The other option I have found that seems to surprise people, is to ask if there can be a way to include your child. Can a toast be made to your child (and possibly others who have also passed on and are missed)? Can there be a photo placed somewhere? Can a book be set on a table where those attending can write a memory or a note to your child, letting him or her know how much they are missed? Yes, there will probably be some moments of tears, but doing something like this can give a sense of relief, as it gives you the needed grace and permission to miss your child.

When I know my daughter will be acknowledged in some way, it helps bring a healing comfort in the midst of the pain to know others miss her too, and have not forgotten her. Will there be tears? Probably. Do I care? Not anymore. They are tears of a love that will never be quenched until I am with her again, and I don’t care if people around me understand that or not.

  1. Connect with others who are ahead of you on this rocky road of grief who get it, and will walk with you in the darkness and be the light of hope you need.

When we see and know others who have faced the death of their child and not only survived, but are somehow living a life of meaning and purpose again, it gives us hope that somehow, it must be possible.

For almost two years, I didn’t want to go to any conferences that were for grieving parents. (I also didn’t go to any grief support groups, but that was because I didn’t know of any in my area.) I didn’t want to be around a bunch of people who were a mess like me, thinking we would just sit around all morbid, cry about our kids, and I would leave feeling worse than when I arrived.

I found the exact opposite to be true. It was wonderful and healing to be in a room full of people who were a mess like me. They “got it.” I didn’t have to explain anything to anyone. I didn’t have to feel guilty for laughing, or for a few tears that fell at strange times. It was an instant bonding with people I had never met, and I made life-long friends who are very precious to me.

A word of caution though. Make sure you are connecting with parents who will acknowledge your grief, but also be a light of hope that you can and will get past the suffocating darkness. We all know our lives will never be the same, but some parents are stuck in that darkness, and tell others behind them that they won’t ever get out, either. Keep looking until you find those who give you the hope you need.

As I said at the very beginning of this two-part article, the people around you are not going to understand. I sure didn’t know this depth of suffocating darkness even existed until Becca died. And I hope those around us never have to find out for themselves.

Unfortunately, there may be some who remain insensitive and continually pick at our open wound of grief, who will have to be shut out of our lives. Almost every bereaved parent I have met has said their circle of friends made a shift because of lack of understanding and support when it was needed the most. That isn’t always an option though, especially when it is someone in our family.  I pray these five suggestions will help you in a way that rises you above the painful conflict, to a place of rest and peace. And may you have hope that the light is not far away, because those of us who carry it, are walking with you.

If you would like a list of these five suggestions in a printable version you can put somewhere to see as a reminder, just let us know and we will get it right to you.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

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Five Suggestions to Bereaved Parents Who Have Been Told, “You Should be Over This by Now”

Before I share the list, let me start out by telling you to stop feeling like you owe them an explanation in the way of excuses, as if you have some kind of disease. I didn’t put this in the list of suggestions, because it is something you must do for your own well-being. Not in an angry bitter way, but as something you must peacefully resolve within yourself.

They are not going to understand. How could they? I know I sure didn’t, until I was on this side of things.

So, with that being said up front, here are the first three things that I hope will help with this struggle we all seem to have for many years (possibly even the rest of our lives) after the death of our child.

  1. Know that it’s okay to be real and lean into your pain when it grips you unexpectedly.

As I see it, you have three options. One: fight it, which is usually obvious and awkward for everyone. Two: excuse yourself and leave, either for a few moments to compose yourself, or for the rest of the event. Or option three: stay put and let those around you know that you are allowing them into a scared and vulnerable moment and the sacred space of missing your child.

There is no one right option. Each time will be different, and only you can determine which one is right for you at that moment. Just don’t be afraid to go for the third option. It might surprise you how supportive and caring someone might be, and you will have the blessing of having people allow you to share your child with them. 

  1. Remind yourself that the death of a child is considered traumatic grief, and anything under five years is considered fresh grief.

It is normal to not be okay! For the rest of your life. A part of your very being has been severed from you. You will get to the point where you learn how to live with that part of you missing, but there are going to be constant reminders and limitations in your day-to-day life. Most people seem to understand that if a person has an amputation (like our daughter Becca had her leg amputated at age three because of cancer), that person will never be the same as before the limb was cut off from them.  We have gone through an amputation with the death of our child. But for some reason, those who have never faced the suffocating darkness of child loss don’t seem to understand that life for us will never be the same, just like an amputee.

  1. Feed your spirit and your soul. 

There are so many ways of doing that. Two of them are through music and reading.

God created music to be a pathway to the soul. What we choose to listen to will affect our emotions and will either keep us in that place of deep grief and darkness, or help us see a glimmer of light and hope to take a step forward. I have made several lists on YouTube. When I find a song that makes me feel hopeful, I add it to my “hope” list, so these songs will play through when I struggle with feeling hopeless. I have a “peace” list, a list of songs that allow me to miss Becca, a list of just instrumental music, and so on.

I highly recommend that you do the same thing. Maybe have a list called, “Can’t sleep” with music (or people you like to hear teach) that you can play at night when needed. Once again, there is no right or wrong music, as long as it helps you take the steps needed for that moment with that struggle.

Maybe you aren’t a reader by nature, but reading is truly a great way to “meet” other bereaved parents who will confirm that you aren’t going crazy, that still being a mess is normal for someone who has lost a child, and that all of those things you are being accused of by the well-meaning people around you just aren’t true.

When Becca first died, I was hesitant to connect with others who were a mess like me. I thought it would make me worse. And unfortunately, there were some that I talked to who were stuck and told me I would always be a mess, and there were books I read that came across as though my life would never be worth living again. However, I refused to believe those things, and kept looking for those who would give me hope. And it turned out, they are out there. And now I am one of them, writing books to offer hope to other grieving parents who are looking for it, while still acknowledging the suffocating darkness that comes with the death of a child.

This is such a loaded topic, and we are only half way through. I hope you will look for the continuing article for the rest of the suggestions to help you deal with those in your life who think grief is a short event in time, instead of the life-long process that it is.

I hope you believe it is a blessing and a relief to know there are bereaved parents who want to connect with you, who have poured their heart and soul (and tons of hours) into writing books just for you.  I have a shelf full of these books.

The problem I discovered is figuring out things like, which ones were well written; which ones were based on things I wanted to stay away from? Which ones would bring hope instead of more despair?  So I decided to put a list of my top ten favorite books together for you, with a link to each one on Amazon, so you can find out more about it and order it if it looks like a good fit for you. Just a note: these books are all written by those who have a faith in God. Not “religious,” but raw and real in their personal relationship with God, and several of them share their anger with Him and the journey it put them on.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

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How Can I Go Into the New Year Without My Child?

I remember as we were heading into the new year, two months after my daughter, Becca, died. I was horrified at the thought of “leaving her behind.” It felt like going into a new year without her was another finality of her death that I just wasn’t ready to accept.

Who can possibly celebrate the future, when my daughter would not be with us? “Out with the old and in with the new” brought heaviness and panic attacks, not excitement.

God knew that. He knew how heavy my heart was. He knew I didn’t want to continue with anything new. He knew I wasn’t ready to let go in a way that would allow me to see hope in a future without Becca. He knew I was deep in suffocating grief, and it didn’t shake His faithfulness to me one little bit.

As I closed myself in with Him day after day, crying buckets of tears and sharing my hurt and pain with Him, He sat with me. He stayed with me in all of my sobbing, ugliness, confusion and depression.

And in my moments of brokenness, when I wanted to hear what He had to say that would bring a measure of healing to my completely shattered heart, He was always ready to comfort me and speak to me.

Sometimes it would be through a song that came on my CD player that I kept running 24-7 or on the radio. Sometimes it was a chapter in the Bible, or as little as half of a verse, as I would pick up His Word and search for help. Sometimes it was through an act of kindness from a family member or friend. But most of the time, it was that still, small voice that spoke to my heart as I sat in my brokenness.

I spent lots of my time journaling. I wrote my scrambled thoughts and asked Him questions. And quite often, I found myself writing what I heard God speaking to me in my heart in answer to those questions.

You see, something I had come to realize in a much deeper way than ever before, is that God isn’t just “out there” somewhere. He is actually inside me. Because I have invited Jesus to be Lord of my life, the Spirit of God dwells in me. I don’t have to wait for God to come to me from somewhere out there. I can quiet myself and listen to His still small voice from inside of me, speaking peace, bringing comfort.

Whatever I need, He is already inside of me to meet that need. The amazing thing is that He is also sitting on His throne at the exact same time. And I can come boldly to that throne of our gracious God to receive His mercy and find His help which I so desperately need (Hebrews 4:16).

So as I found myself struggling so deeply with the horrific thought of getting further and further away from Becca, I asked God to help me by giving me His thoughts. He so graciously showed me that the truth is actually something totally different from what was in my thoughts.

Every day I live on this earth brings me closer to my own departure date, and closer to Becca, not further away from her! Wow! That truth set me free! I still have moments when I have those thoughts, and they can still make me cry. But I am not overwhelmed by them, as I now believe a truth that is deeper than my pain: I am getting closer to her, not further away from her.

Here are a couple of scriptures that have also helped me continue moving forward.

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:13-14 NIV).

This doesn’t say we are forgetting and leaving our children behind us. That will never happen! I see it as an encouragement to “press on toward the goal,” which to me is learning how to live a full and meaningful life again, with the “prize of the upward call” being eternity with Him and with my child and others I love who are patiently waiting for me to join them.

We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal (2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV).

I am SO thankful for this, and constantly remind myself this world is only temporary. What a relief!

It is so hard to believe, but this will be my seventh new year without Becca. God has continued to comfort and strengthen me, putting the pieces of my heart back together in a way that I am complete, and yet forever broken. And I’m okay with that, because I will be one year closer to being with my Becca forever!

How about you? Is there a scripture that you have held on to within the grief that has been a comfort or an anchor of hope? Please share it with us in the comments.

In my book When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, I share some of my journaling and what God spoke to me. To receive chapter 11, The Pillar of Your Thoughts and Words, just provide your name and email address and we will get it right to you.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

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