As I celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving in October this year with my family, I thought about the past 9 Thanksgivings without Garrett.

Our 8-year-old son, Garrett, was accidently shot and killed in a hunting accident in the summer of 2008.

In the months—and possibly years—following Garrett’s death, I found very little to be thankful for. In fact, everything in my life suddenly became difficult. I was going through the motions of living and paid little attention to my surroundings or other people.

I will never forget our first Thanksgiving without him. I felt helpless, hopeless and anything, but thankful. Thinking about how we would spend the weekend felt agonizing.

I knew that sitting around the house would be painful because I knew I would dwell on the fact that Garett was missing. Instead, we did something practical. Before our big Thanksgiving supper, we spent the afternoon gathering rocks and arranging them into Garrett’s name on a hill overlooking our ranch.

It was during this afternoon that I realized that even though Garrett was not physically with us, our love for him allowed us to spend the day creating memories with each other in his honor—including him in our weekend.

As we ended our day with the traditional turkey feast, we asked the children to reflect about something they were each thankful for. The youngest said, “Pumpkin pie!” His naivety and carefree outlook made me a little envious.

But honestly, some days, pumpkin pie might be the only thing you can find to be thankful for. This is not only normal, but it’s also okay for you to feel this way.

It may seem incredibly difficult to be thankful when there is a huge void in your celebration, but I maintain that bereaved parents are some of the most thankful people there are. Once you have lost a child, it feels as though nothing in the world could be worse. You treasure past holidays with your child, and you truly take nothing for granted. Try including your child in your celebration this year by:

• Cooking your child’s favorite food
• Taking a decoration to the cemetery
• Sharing a memory of your child that brings you joy
• Lighting a memory candle

Looking back to that first year, I realize that I had many things that deserved my gratitude:

• an employer who provided me with all the time off I needed—no questions asked
• co-workers who picked up my slack when I was mentally absent
• friends who delivered meals to our family for months after Garrett’s death
• parents who walked the grief journey with me by giving of their time and energy when I could find very little
• siblings who found the courage to speak at Garrett’s funeral and offer support throughout that first painful year
• strangers who sent messages of support and sympathy after hearing our story
• the community of other heart-broken parents who reached out to me

 

I know you may be feeling that you cannot find anything to be thankful for this year. Believe me—I understand how you feel. Also, believe me when I tell you that finding that one thing may help you heal.

In the midst of our grief, it is often difficult us to see our blessings. However, thankfulness and gratitude are choices. You can choose to become bitter and angry and broken, or you can choose to find one thing for which you are grateful—right now.

And tomorrow, maybe you’ll find another. And the next day, another. Many people I know have started to keep gratitude journals. You will eventually be able to find gratitude every day, but you need to choose it—try to adopt a gratitude attitude.

As I am finishing this post, I am listening to my kids argue about whose turn it is to wash the dishes, and for this minute I am choosing to be thankful that they have each other in their lives.

But in the next minute, I am going to take a deep breath and seek out some leftover pumpkin pie! (And yell at my kids to be thankful that we have dishes to wash—just kidding.)

 

We can all use some encouragement from time to time, like the one you just read, especially from a bereaved parent who is a bit farther down the road. Grieving Parents Sharing Hope would love to play a part in that, by sending you a weekly WORD of HOPE. Just fill in your first name and email address, and we would be happy to add you to our GPS Hope family.

Melanie Delorme was a content English teacher, wife, mother, sister, and friend. Then, without warning, she gained the title of bereaved parent when her eight-year-old son, Garrett, was accidentally killed in a hunting accident in 2008. Her road to healing brought her to write her first book, After The Flowers Die: A Handbook of Heartache, Hope and Healing After Losing a Child. Melanie is involved with her local chapter of The Compassionate Friends and is passionate about offering hope to other bereaved parents. She is currently living on a ranch in Saskatchewan, Canada with her husband, Gerry, and their two children, Morgan and Justin. Connect with the author at www.melaniedelorme.com.

 

 

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

All I really remember is a blur of deep suffocating pain the first holiday season after our daughter, Becca, died. But one thing I do specifically remember was knowing we were heading towards a new year, and I felt panicked about being in a different year than the one she died. I was not ready to “leave her behind” like that! Have you had similar thoughts?

As it happens every year, many stores already have fall items on clearance and are filling the shelves with Christmas while we are still in October. This can make for a very long three to four months, as we wrap up this year and head into a new one.

Believe it or not, there are things you can do to help ease the pain and bring in a glimmer of light here and there into your place of darkness.

I like to think of them as gifts you can give to yourself.

1. Change one tradition. If there is one that is particularly painful, change it to something that makes you feel less torn. (Example – instead of the painful memory of shopping for the perfect fresh Christmas tree, buy an artificial one.)
2. Be up front, and let close family and friends know this is still painful. (You can do this by giving them something to read, written by someone else on this journey, to explain why this is normal and what will help and what will hurt those of us in deep grief.)
3. While you are at it, ask everyone to come to the family event prepared with a special memory of your child/loved one to share. Just a note: funny is good, as laughter brings a measure of healing. (Remind your family that the holiday gatherings are a precious time to spend time with each other and to talk about and share memories with those who couldn’t make it. Death just puts your child in the category of one who could not make it.) You may find you hear stories you never knew, and this may even give you something to look forward to instead of dreading being with others.
4. Buy a special notebook and write to your child/loved one over the holidays. Describe holiday scenes to them, share with him or her events you attended, let them know how much you miss them. (There will probably be lots of tears, but tears are cleansing and will also bring a measure of healing.)
5. Do that one thing you enjoyed doing with your child/loved one with a close friend or family member who will share the memories with you. (For instance, have someone over to help bake and decorate Christmas cookies who will allow you to go through all of the emotions from tears to laughter as you go through the motions of the activity.)

There is one last “gift” I want to share with you, which I personally believe is the most important.

Isolation is paralyzing. I understand our need to be alone, I truly do. We need lots and lots of time alone to work through the painful suffocating darkness, and start to figure out who we are now without our child (including deciding if we even want to know).

But we also need people.

We need people who will hold us up while allowing us to grieve deeply.

It took me over two years to connect with other grieving parents. I didn’t want to be around a group of people who were a mess like me. When I finally made myself go to a gathering of grieving moms, I discovered the opposite – how healing it was to be around a group of people who were a mess, just like me!

They understood. They got it. I didn’t have to explain myself, or excuse myself for any emotion I was feeling or reacting to. It was wonderful!

We also need people who will help us move forward in a way that is not pushy, but supportive.

This may be the same group, or a totally different group of people. I have found “my people,” and for me, it has been a different group.

Last week, I was surrounded by over 200 kindred spirits who have a personal message to share and are moving forward in taking that message to those in the world who need it. They are souls on fire, and Kary Oberbrunner is the Chief Igniter.

I cannot begin to tell you what these few days did to boost the desire to allow God’s fire of purpose burn brightly in me once again. Yes, it is a completely different purpose than it was a few years ago, of traveling to the nations for children’s ministry and trainings. But it is a flame that was fanned to new proportions. It now feels like a blazing fire of determination to not let Becca’s death be wasted; to reach as many bereaved parents as possible with the message of hope, helping each pareavor find their personal path to a fulfilled life of purpose beyond the pain.

Oftentimes, our deepest pain becomes our greatest purpose.

That has definitely been the case for me and, if you allow it, will be the same for you. How do I know? Because of those I rubbed shoulders with at the Igniting Souls conference. Each one there had a story to tell, and many have told it by becoming an author with a published book (which was celebrated and made available to the attendees) including several who have faced the death of their child/children.

Each one in the Igniting Souls “tribe” has connected, because they have chosen to surround themselves with others who will impart into them what is needed to make their purpose as effective as possible.

Each one has chosen not to become isolated in their pain, but to take the risk to reach out and help others behind them on the same journey.

How about you? Where are you on this grief journey of pain to purpose?

May I recommend you start with the list of five gifts that you can give to yourself. Pick only one, or do them all. Wherever you are in this journey is okay. Only you know what is right and will work for you.

Then make sure you are connected to those who are on this path ahead of you; someone who can walk with you, with support and encouragement. It will make such a huge difference, especially during the dreaded holiday season.

And if you are ready, ask God to connect you with a group who will help you find a purpose from the pain of the death of your child. If you aren’t quite ready for that step, I pray that I have convinced you that at some point, it will be important to find and grab hold of a group of people who will help you move forward by discovering and walking in your unique purpose, with your gifts and talents.

Don’t stay on a path that keeps you in total darkness, pain and fear.

Make a choice to take at least one step toward light, hope, and a fire in your soul once again. It can take a while to get to the point of wanting it, and it will be something you have to fight for. When those two things come together (a desire to have it and a willingness to stay in the battle to win the war), you will find yourself standing on a different path; the path of learning how to live a fulfilled life with meaning and purpose beyond the death of your child.

You can do it, because I did it, and I believe in you!

 

If you have not been able to find a group that will help you move forward, while allowing you to feel the pain of your loss, you might want to consider joining author Laura Diehl during the holidays in a semi-private coaching session for the next three months. There is a limit of twelve people who will be meeting together with Laura via the internet twice a month from November through January. The cost is only $75 for this valuable opportunity.

 

Click here to fill out a simple application form to submit.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

 

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

It’s been almost 5 1/2 years since our beautiful 23-year-old daughter, Naomi, took her life and it’s still so hard to believe this happened. It’s so wrong and it never should have happened, but it did.

We knew she was depressed and believed the cause was postpartum depression but now believe it was more complicated than that. We also learned of a traumatic experience that she had gone through that would have added to her depression.

There are so many events that happened in the 3 1/2 months before her taking her life that I have gone over and over in my mind, trying to put it all together and make sense of it all. I had so much guilt as I replayed conversations that we’d had over and over in my mind, thinking the outcome could have been different if I had asked different questions or been there more for her.

We actually thought she was getting better because she showed signs of being more of her happy self at times. I know she was afraid to tell us that she was in a worse place than we realized, which breaks my heart.

In November of 2013, a little over 1 1/2 years since Naomi left this earth, we saw Steven Curtis Chapman in concert and one of the things he said was, “I probably have more questions now than I’ve ever had, but I think the question that the Lord is asking us is, ‘Will you trust me?'” I broke down when I heard him say that because that was my struggle. “Do I trust you, Lord? I want to. Help me to!”

On July 24, 2014, our daughter’s birthday, I was finally able to say, “Lord, I don’t get this and this is so wrong and there are so many unanswered questions, but I trust you.” There are things that happen in this life that are so painful and tragic and wrong, but as Papa said in The Shack, “Just because I can bring incredible good out of incredible tragedy doesn’t mean I orchestrated the tragedy.”

God is good and He is faithful and He is the healer of the brokenhearted and He WILL give beauty for ashes! I trust that!

What you have just read was written by Denee Martindale. In the last couple of years, Denee has become a precious friend. Our daughters actually knew each other growing up, through school and local church activities, but it has only been since they both died that we have gotten to know one another on a deeper level.

There are three things that I think are important to notice in what Denee has shared.

1. Guilt did not serve her well. 

The “if only’s” and deep regrets don’t change anything. In fact, as long as we are in that frame of mind, we are continuing to feed the darkness and depression we all face after the death of our child (especially one who ended his or her own life).

2. It took quite a long time to let go of that guilt.

Naomi passed in April of 2012. Denee was tortured with the guilt for over a year and a half. And even when presented with the truth that God was asking her to trust Him beyond all of her unanswered questions, it took another eight months before she was ready to do so.

I know many of you who are reading this have been in that same place for much longer. (This is not a judgment, just an observation.)

3. The solution was not in herself.

Denee had to let go and trust the One who holds life and death in His hands, and loves both you and your child more deeply than any of us can comprehend.

Coming to a place of acceptance that God did not cause the death of our child, is where many of us have to start. Then we need to accept the fact that He had a reason for not stepping in and stopping our child’s death that will not make sense to us on this side of eternity.

Unfortunately, many of us have a misguided definition of faith, which makes all of this even more difficult, and can be part of the guilt we find ourselves trapped in. True faith is not getting the answers we want (or we “claim”) to our prayers. True faith is trusting Him when certain prayers are not answered in the way we prayed, believing that He can see what we cannot see, and knows what we do not know.

It is important for us to grasp that this life and what we can see, hear, touch and feel, is only temporary. Our child is on the other side of eternity, and we will be joining them some day. Thankfully, our extremely painful separation is not permanent. We can release the guilt, knowing our children are in the safest, most wonderful place possible. Yes, I know we would much rather have them here with us, but wanting that, and hanging on to guilt because they aren’t, will not change it. So we might as well make a decision to let it go.

I encourage you to do exactly what my friend Denee did. Don’t rely on your own strength or desire to trust God with the most painful thing you have ever faced. Be honest with Him. If you are like Denee, tell Him, “I want to trust you. Help me to!” And if you are not to that point of wanting to trust Him, tell Him! And then ask Him to help you to want to trust Him.

Myself and thousands of other bereaved parents have come to the same conclusion as Denne; God is good and He is faithful and He is the healer of the brokenhearted and He WILL give beauty for ashes!

We trust that! And you can, too.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event  click here. 

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

A butterfly coming out of the cocoon is a beautiful picture of how working our way out of bondage and darkness makes us so very strong.

As parents who have faced the death of our child, we are that butterfly in a cocoon. But many of us don’t even want to come out. And if we do, we often don’t believe coming out is possible, as we feel too weak to keep fighting. But fight, we must do. Some of the strongest, most caring people that I know are pareavors (bereaved parents) who have fought their way out of their cocoon of bondage and darkness.

They are also some of the most beautiful and loving souls I have ever met. Many of them have a deep passion for an unexpected purpose in life to help others. My friends, Dave and Dee, organize runs to bring awareness to heart failure and donate the proceeds to various community organizations. Anne goes into schools to talk about bullying, after her daughter died by suicide in a school bathroom. Kelly started professional training for medical staff on how to help parents in the hospital with infant loss at birth. The list could go on and on, including my becoming an author to help other grieving parents find hope, light and a fulfilled life again after the death of their child, and my husband and I starting an organization to do the same.

If you don’t know our story, it was actually a 26-year ordeal. But to simplify it in one sentence, our daughter, Becca, died at age 29 on October 12, 2011 from heart damage due to one of the chemo drugs she was given at age three (along with having her tiny left leg amputated at that time) as part of her treatment for cancer. (Click here to read the full story.)

The first two years after her death were a blur of suffocating darkness and confusion. (And the second year was worse than the first year, which seems to be pretty normal for those of us who have lost a child from this earth.)

The next couple of years I started doing a bit better, but the fifth year was another weepy one. That Christmas, my oldest son purchased some oysters to be opened live on Facebook, and the pearls inside were mine to keep as my Christmas present. It was so fascinating to watch them being opened and to see the gorgeous different colored pearl in each one. I ended up watching other people’s oysters being opened as well, and felt a drawing to watch more “oyster shucking” when I had the chance.

While waiting for my pearls to arrive in the mail one day, I found myself in tears thinking about how deeply touched I was to be able to have something tangible in my hands to remind me of the hope I have that God keeps His promises to take something so horrific, and somehow (as only He can) turn my shattered life into something of beauty that was still valuable and worth living!

Right then and there, I knew I wanted to find a way to give this same gift of this gorgeous symbol of the HOPE we have in Him into the hands of other pareavors.

I found myself writing something I wanted to give to those who decided to join me in having an oyster opened; letting them know the pearl inside is something we can look at, reminding us that even though it feels like it, we did not die along with our child.

Here is part of what I wrote.

You hold in your hand a priceless treasure. Yes, there is a monetary value placed on the pearl(s) you now possess. However, it is so much more… 

…You have had something way beyond “an irritant” invade your life. You have had to face the death of your precious child. And now you have the opportunity to allow God to do a far greater miracle in you than He does in an oyster, which is to allow Him the time and tools needed to make something beautiful out of something so horrific. 

Yes, it can happen. Not only can it happen, but it will happen, if you allow the One who sees what you cannot see, and knows what you do not know to be at work, deeply hidden in your heart and soul, where no one else has access. He wants to use this tragedy to make you highly valued; a rare and valuable gem, glowing with His love and glory unlike anyone else on earth.

It took almost a year and going down several paths, but my dream of being able to offer this for others is now happening. Once a month, we have an oyster opening live on our GPS Hope Facebook page for anyone who wants a gorgeous pearl as a symbol of who they can become, after a deep tragedy, including the death of their child.

YOU are a precious and rare gem. You may not feel like it right now, but as you continue on your journey, you will realize that yes, you are still valuable. And for those of you who are pareavors, it is because of the deep love you have for your child, that you can have hope as to your rare beauty and value because of that never-ending love.

 

 

For more information on the Pearls of Hope event, click here. Note: You don’t have to be a bereaved parent to get in on it. Anyone can purchase an oyster to be opened just for the fun of it, or as a gift for someone who would appreciate watching their own oyster being opened knowing the beautiful pearl inside is theirs, or because you want to be part of bringing finances to help GPS Hope be able to reach out to more grieving parents.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

 

Hurtful words hurt.  Hurtful words wound.  Hurtful words leave scars.  Hurtful words damage hearts.

It is inevitable that harsh and hurtful words will come our way during our lifetime. They wound deeply. They can leave us feeling empty, betrayed, lost; as if someone ripped our hearts open. They can leave scars for many years. They can cause anger, bitterness, and an ugliness in our hearts, like no other.

And that includes hurtful things people say to us when we have faced a deep loss or tragedy in our lives. Some people can say some really stupid things, trying to “help us” or make us feel better, but in reality, it can make the pain even worse.

I’m a survivor of hurtful words spoken to me as a child. Those ugly words said I was a loser; I would never amount to anything. Those words said that I was ugly, and unlovable. Those words said no one wanted me. Those words said I was an outcast and rejected. (It took many years of prayer, counseling, and spending much time in the word learning who I was in Christ, instead of who those ugly words said I was.)

When adult life came along, I found out that adults speak to other adults in hurtful ways too.

For many years, I continued to hang on to hurtful words that were spoken to me. I gave them life. I allowed them to have power over me, and to grow such an ugly virus in my heart that it came out in my own ugliness toward others. I was ugly on the inside because I allowed those painful words to manifest themselves into my life as anger, bitterness, harshness, hardness of heart, and more.

No one has the right to damage another person’s heart with their words. When words come your way, you have the right to do what you want with those words, including the right to guard and protect your heart.

How do you do that, you ask? It’s not easy. It’s not a 12-step plan. It’s not done overnight. But, it can be done! How do I know this? Because, like I said, I am a survivor of hurtful words that have been spoken to me since childhood. I have had to learn how to let words go and to forgive the offense. Forgiving the offense was probably the easiest to do, believe it or not! Learning how not to let those words seep into my heart, and to protect my heart, was the hardest thing for me to learn.

Lately, I’ve seen words written on Facebook that are really mean, vile, and hurtful. Some hurt to the core. Some of those words have come from others that I have known for years, and thought very highly of by others. The words that were spoken to me personally, really hurt!

At first, I was stunned that one person in particular, would even speak to me that way. But then I realized that once again, I had a choice: I could either allow her hurtful words to grow and fester inside of me, or I could delete the comments from my heart’s hard drive, remove the virus it was trying to cause in my heart, and close that app. I chose the latter.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, I want to encourage you to stand up for yourself, and protect your heart as well. Don’t allow others to continue to speak hurtful words into your life. If it means removing negative people from your life, then so be it. I have removed quite a few people from my life, because of their hurtful words. I will do it again, if needed.

If you need to remove someone from your life who doesn’t understand your situation; who won’t quit saying painful things that leave you struggling to protect your heart, you still need to forgive that person and no longer hold onto the hurt. It does no good to let go of someone, but hang on to the offence.

Either way, forgiving someone who has caused deep pain because of their words, is for you. You need it. Your heart needs it. You need to be able to move on with your life without the hurt festering in your heart, becoming mean and ugly! Make the choice to delete the comments from your heart’s hard drive, remove the virus it was trying to cause in your heart, and close that app.

Let it go, and set yourself free. You will be glad that you did. I know I sure am!

Christi Wilson is the Administrative Assistant for GPS Hope.  You can find her at www.AtHomewithChristi.com, where she shares personal thoughts, inspirational points, DIY projects and favorite recipes.

 

Do you want to know more about how our thoughts and words are connected, and how they affect us? We would be happy to send you Chapter Eleven,  “The Pillar of Thoughts and Words” from Laura’s book When Tragedy Strikes. Here is an excerpt from that chapter.

Believing the truth is just as powerful as believing a lie.

People do what they do, based on their feelings, because of what they believe. Most people live mainly out of their feelings, and feelings do not always equal the truth. To put that a different way, just because I have feelings about something, no matter how strong, does not mean my feelings are necessarily based on the truth.

To change your behavior, which is driven by your emotions, you must know and understand the truth. It is truth that will set you free. To experience victory in any area of your life, you must overcome limiting beliefs in that area.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.