God and child loss Archives

With all the whys, the anger, the suffocating darkness and confusion after the death of our child, it can be easy to blame God for what has happened. We question how God can call Himself a loving Father or possibly tell us that He is a good God. We don’t understand, and it is normal and okay to bring our questions and emotions to God, no matter how dark they are.

Every step on our life journey is a step of trust. We either trust in others, in ourselves, or in God. Trusting completely in others, or only in ourselves, will eventually fail. But when something horrible happens in our lives (such as the death of our child) we often tell ourselves we can’t trust God unless we know the “why.”

We want answers and we want them now. We want (or feel like we need) God to explain Himself to us, telling us why our children left this earth before we did.

I think the bottom line is that we try to make sense of God with our finite brains and limitations, but that is just plain impossible. We want God to answer to us, which is just as futile as a teenage daughter arguing with her parents, wanting them to answer to her. How can they? How can they explain that they see what their teenager cannot see, and know what their daughter does not know, in a way that makes that teen satisfied with the answer? And how can God possibly explain to us through His lens of eternity the answer to our “why?” in a way that makes some sort of sense, causing us to be okay with what has happened?

My husband, Dave, got a four-year degree in Computer Science. (It was so long ago that he even had to do a computer punch card program for one of his classes. Yikes!). His entire thirty year career was with programming computers, fixing computer programs and crashes, or internationally managing others who were doing it.

There are times I ask Dave (who is my personal geek squad) to do something for me, and he has to tell me it can’t be done. I always want him to explain why, because it seems like he should be able to find a way, since he is a computer programmer by profession. He often sighs, knowing that at some point I will get totally lost and not understand what he is trying to explain to me. (Interpretation: I get really frustrated, because it still doesn’t make any sense to me…)

I am pretty sure the same thing would happen if I were to ask a nuclear scientist a question on how something worked, because it is beyond what my mind would be able to follow or comprehend. God is greater than any computer techy or nuclear scientist, so what makes me think I would be able to follow or comprehend God’s explanation to something I don’t understand?

We often try to bring God down to our level because we want to understand His actions, or why He does what He does. That is like the Israelites. They knew the acts of God, which left them always grumbling and complaining, but Moses knew His ways (Psalm 103:7).

There is a big difference between seeing the actions of God and knowing His ways, which is knowing His heart. When we go beyond the acts of God and press in to knowing His heart, we eventually discover that we can still trust that He is good and He is faithful, even in the deepest and darkest pain we can face on this earth.

I do still occasionally find myself caught in the struggle of wanting to know why. When I find that happening, I sometimes ask God what it is about Him that I don’t understand yet, because when I try to lean on my own understanding, I can get all messed up. Instead, I need to see things from His perspective. What if I don’t get an answer to that right away? Then I have decided to continue to believe that He sees what I cannot see, and knows what I do not know, and I will continue to share my heart with Him, trusting that someday, it will all make sense.

Understanding will not bring us peace. That is why we are told to trust in God and not in our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). For some reason we often think if we can figure things out, then we can be in control. But the relief felt doesn’t last very long because soon there is something else we are trying to make sense of, that is out of our control.

During deep grief, people either move toward God or away from Him. But when we move away from Him, we are moving away from the One who can help us the most. God wants to walk with us through this valley of death. He wants to give us comfort. He wants to give us strength. He wants to give us hope. These are all things we desperately need. But if we choose to move away from Him, we will continue to desperately need these things. This is a time to get as close to God as you possibly can.

A few weeks ago, I saw someone’s Facebook post that spoke volumes to me about not understanding why. “You do not realize what I am doing, but later you will understand.” This was Jesus speaking, in John 13:7. It struck me so deeply that I had to get out a Bible and read these words for myself!

This world we are in is not permanent, but it is here to prepare us for the place that is. That means everything that happens here is with eternity in mind, but our view of it all is with very limited sight, which can be confusing until the veil is lifted and we are on the other side with our child.

I believe with everything in me that our children (and other loved ones), who are now on the other side of the veil, can also see everything clearly, and understand what we do not. I picture them cheering us on, knowing that when we join them, not only will we understand, but the pain will be completely behind us as the glory of eternity explodes all around us.

Until then, you have a choice. You can choose to continue blaming God (or others) for what has happened, remaining a victim of this horrible trauma for many more years – maybe even the rest of your time here on earth; or you can make a decision to be okay with not understanding why, allowing God to show you the way out of the darkness to be able to live in a way that honors the life of your child.

Our thoughts can be very dark after the death of our child. How we allow ourselves to think, can make the difference between staying in our place of darkness or moving toward a place of hope in our suffocating grief.

If you would like some help in dealing with these dark thoughts, I would like to send you a chapter from my award-winning book When Tragedy Strike: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing after the Death of Your Child. I promise this is not a way to hound you to purchase the book! However, you will start receiving a Weekly Word of Hope from me, which you can unsubscribe from at any time you no longer find it helpful.

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.
If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on our private Facebook page or our public Facebook page.
If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

When our child dies, everything goes dark. We can’t think straight, we are numb, and it feels like we are in a nightmare and are trying to wake up.

As strange as it is, even in the numbness we can feel anger and intense emotional pain. All of this swirling inside of us goes on for months, and then even into years. That is normal for a parent who has lost a child, since experts have determined that:

most of us deal with what is considered fresh grief for up to five years
the death of a child falls under traumatic grief (we have suffered a trauma) and many parents also have PTSD depending on the circumstances of the death (finding his or her body, seeing it happen, etc.)

Our thoughts can get stuck in this place of darkness, and we wonder if we will ever be able to get out.

One of the things I discovered early in my grief journey after my daughter, Becca, died, was to ask God to help me shift my perspective. The way I saw everything was dark and painful, but I knew God saw things through different eyes, and I needed desperately to see what He saw.

Let me share three things with you that God showed me, helping make that shift in how I saw things. And before you read them, may I suggest that you pause and ask God to help you see these things with His eyes as well. And remember, this isn’t coming from someone who is trying to fix you by giving you Christian clichés and pat answers. This is coming from someone who has been right where you are.

This life is not permanent. Thank you, God!!! This is only the blink of an eye, a dot on the line of eternity. Where we are going has none of this heartache, turmoil and separation.

God made a way so that we do not have to be permanently separated from those we love. Wow! That is pretty amazing when you stop and think about it. And please do. Stop and think about it. This is not a permanent separation.

I remember confiding in a friend a year after Becca died that I felt guilty because I wanted to go to heaven to see Becca more than I did to see Jesus. Her answer? “But Laura, you have made a deposit!” I love that.

And when Jesus says, “Where your treasure is, your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21), I realized that since one of my greatest treasures is in heaven, my heart will be there as well. And that is okay.

To live is Christ, to die is gain (Philippians 1:21). So, I have to ask, if that is true, what did Becca gain?

You and I have children hanging out in incredible glory and perfection; no sickness, no pain (physical or emotional), no hurtful rejections… I think you get the idea and could build on this list. When I take time to think about what my daughter has gained, I can start feeling happy for her, which eases my pain some.

And have you thought about how our children will be the first ones waiting to meet us when we arrive? I can actually get excited thinking about Becca showing me all around, knowing she couldn’t wait for me to get there and join her!

Honestly, when I spend time thinking about my deep loss, I cry and can hardly breath. When I think of her gain, and let my mind imagine what it is like for her, it moves me in the direction of peace.

Would I rather have Becca here with me? Absolutely, especially when I think about how much I miss her and all the things she is not, or will not, be part of as I continue living here on earth. But since I have resigned myself to the fact that it isn’t going to happen, I have gotten to the point of enjoying picturing her in heaven, imagining the fun she is having, the people she is meeting and hanging out with, what her mansion might be like, etc.

God IS always good. And good doesn’t mean I always get what I want. Good means that He sees what we cannot see, and knows what we don’t know, and sometimes allows natural consequences to take affect because of that.

And in His goodness, He made a way for death not to be final. Plus, He not only walks with us, He will carry us if needed, while offering everything we need as we travel through this very deep, very dark valley.

In other words, we need to see God as one who comes along beside us with deep sorrow and compassion, not as someone to blame who caused the death of our child. It is really helpful when we see God as the rescuer in our story, rather than the cause of our pain by something he did or didn’t do.

Asking God to make a shift in our perspective is so important. When I asked Him to do that for me, one of the biggest shifts God made for me that I so desperately needed was when I thought about getting further and further away from Becca. I could work myself up into hardly being able to breathe when I thought about moving into the new year without her, and then thinking about being three years, five years, ten or twenty years here without her. God spoke to my heart and told me that I wasn’t getting further away from her, but each year (and each day) I am getting closer to her!

Wow! Now I could appreciate that for sure! Every day I am here, every year that goes by, I am that much closer to seeing Becca and being with her again. Thank you, God for Your goodness in changing how I see it, and for making it possible.

What do you need to see differently? Maybe it’s every part of it and you don’t even know where to start. That’s okay. God knows. Just break through whatever is holding you back and ask Him.

Another thing that helps, is to find ways to honor your child to keep their memory alive so that others will know who he or she is. To receive a list of Ten Ways to Honor the Life of Your Child, just submit your name and email below. You will also begin to receive each Wednesday our Weekly Word of Hope. (No spamming, we promise!)

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.

We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.