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October 1, 2017 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

How God Uses Nature to Teach Us About Grief

A butterfly coming out of the cocoon is a beautiful picture of how working our way out of bondage and darkness makes us so very strong.

As parents who have faced the death of our child, we are that butterfly in a cocoon. But many of us don’t even want to come out. And if we do, we often don’t believe coming out is possible, as we feel too weak to keep fighting. But fight, we must do. Some of the strongest, most caring people that I know are pareavors (bereaved parents) who have fought their way out of their cocoon of bondage and darkness.

17. beautiful peopleThey are also some of the most beautiful and loving souls I have ever met. Many of them have a deep passion for an unexpected purpose in life to help others. My friends, Dave and Dee, organize runs to bring awareness to heart failure and donate the proceeds to various community organizations. Anne goes into schools to talk about bullying, after her daughter died by suicide in a school bathroom. Kelly started professional training for medical staff on how to help parents in the hospital with infant loss at birth. The list could go on and on, including my becoming an author to help other grieving parents find hope, light and a fulfilled life again after the death of their child, and my husband and I starting an organization to do the same.

If you don’t know our story, it was actually a 26-year ordeal. But to simplify it in one sentence, our daughter, Becca, died at age 29 on October 12, 2011 from heart damage due to one of the chemo drugs she was given at age three (along with having her tiny left leg amputated at that time) as part of her treatment for cancer. (Click here to read the full story.)

The first two years after her death were 17. first two yearsa blur of suffocating darkness and confusion. (And the second year was worse than the first year, which seems to be pretty normal for those of us who have lost a child from this earth.)

The next couple of years I started doing a bit better, but the fifth year was another weepy one. That Christmas, my oldest son purchased some oysters to be opened live on Facebook, and the pearls inside were mine to keep as my Christmas present. It was so fascinating to watch them being opened and to see the gorgeous different colored pearl in each one. I ended up watching other people’s oysters being opened as well, and felt a drawing to watch more “oyster shucking” when I had the chance.

While waiting for my pearls to arrive in the mail one day, I found myself in tears thinking about how deeply touched I was to be able to have something tangible in my hands to remind me of the hope I have that God keeps His promises to take something so horrific, and somehow (as only He can) turn my shattered life into something of beauty that was still valuable and worth living!

Right then and there, I knew I wanted to find a way to give this same gift of this gorgeous symbol of the HOPE we have in Him into the hands of other pareavors.

I found myself writing something I wanted to give to those who decided to join me in having an oyster opened; letting them know the pearl inside is something we can look at, reminding us that even though it feels like it, we did not die along with our child.

Here is part of what I wrote.

You hold in your hand a priceless treasure. Yes, there is a monetary value placed on the pearl(s) you now possess. However, it is so much more… 

…You have had something way beyond “an irritant” invade your life. You have had to face the death of your precious child. And now you have the opportunity to allow God to do a far greater miracle in you than He does in an oyster, which is to allow Him the time and tools needed to make something beautiful out of something so horrific. 17. make something beautiful

Yes, it can happen. Not only can it happen, but it will happen, if you allow the One who sees what you cannot see, and knows what you do not know to be at work, deeply hidden in your heart and soul, where no one else has access. He wants to use this tragedy to make you highly valued; a rare and valuable gem, glowing with His love and glory unlike anyone else on earth.

It took almost a year and going down several paths, but my dream of being able to offer this for others is now happening. Once a month, we have an oyster opening live on our GPS Hope Facebook page for anyone who wants a gorgeous pearl as a symbol of who they can become, after a deep tragedy, including the death of their child.

17. your rare beauty and valueYOU are a precious and rare gem. You may not feel like it right now, but as you continue on your journey, you will realize that yes, you are still valuable. And for those of you who are pareavors, it is because of the deep love you have for your child, that you can have hope as to your rare beauty and value because of that never-ending love.

 

 

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For more information on the Pearls of Hope event, click here. Note: You don’t have to be a bereaved parent to get in on it. Anyone can purchase an oyster to be opened just for the fun of it, or as a gift for someone who would appreciate watching their own oyster being opened knowing the beautiful pearl inside is theirs, or because you want to be part of bringing finances to help GPS Hope be able to reach out to more grieving parents.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

 

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: bereaved parents, child loss, faith after loss, faith in darkness, finding purpose after child loss, God's healing after loss, grief and healing, grief journey, grief support for parents, healing from child’s death, hope after tragedy, hope for grieving parents, living with grief, overcoming grief, pearls as symbols of hope, precious gems after grief, rare beauty after loss, remembering a lost child, strength through grief, transforming tragedy, turning pain into purpose

August 7, 2017 by Laura Diehl 4 Comments

My Daughter is More Than Just a Tombstone

When I go to the cemetery to visit my daughter’s gravesite, I see many tombstones closer to the front of the cemetery that never have any decorations or any visitors.  Why?  Because they have been there for so long that no one knows who they are to miss them.

The truth is, whether I like it or not, many years down the road, that will also be the case with my daughter’s grave, and mine, and yours, and everyone we love.

If you are like me, I have no idea who my great-great-grandparents were.  I have the names of some of them, but never actually met them.  I knew some of my great-grandparents in my childhood days, and even fewer of their siblings.

12. darkness and bitternessIt can make me cringe and feel sick to my stomach when I think about the possibility of people forgetting Becca. I don’t care so much if they remember me, but I want them to know who my children are when I am gone. I am guessing you are the same way.

So what do we do? How can we make our children more than just a tombstone in a cemetery? How can we let others know our child was here, and make sure his or her legacy outlives us, even when their time here on earth did not?

The first thing is getting to a point where we want 12. honor your child with your lifeto live in a way that honors the life of our child. Our grief is real. The suffocating darkness takes over, and we have no choice. But at some point (often two  or three years down the road) we see a glimmer of hope that we actually can have a full life beyond the death of our child. When we begin to realize that, we have a choice to make. Am I going to live out my life in a way of hopelessness and despair that honors the death of my child, or am I going to find a way to rise above this darkness and live my life in a way that honors the life of my child?

I hope you can see that choosing to remain in a place of darkness and bitterness, which keeps us from living out our own lives, will not serve the purpose of honoring the life our child was given, no matter how short it may have been.

Once we make the decision emotionally to fight to come out of the dark pit of grief, so that we can find a way to honor the life of our son or daughter, we can begin to see how to do that in a practical way. (And let me add that I am not talking about the sadness and waves of grief that will overtake us at times for the rest of our lives. I am talking about choosing not to remain in that place of suffocating darkness when we start seeing hope and light again.)

Here are just a few thoughts:

  • A memorial brick – our local Rotary Gardens has a memory lane where this can be done, as well as Lambeau Field (where the Green Bay Packers play, a team of which Becca and our family are avid fans)
  • A bench on a trail – we have an “ice age” trail through our entire state, and people can have a bench put along the path with a plaque honoring the memory of a loved one
  • A tree in a park – there are many parks that would love to have a beautiful tree planted and will allow an “In Loving Memory Of…” plaque to be placed at the foot of it

All three of these can be a second place you 12. Find a placecan go to remember your son or daughter; a place that will help you reflect on memories of their life, as opposed to being in a cemetery (or staring at their ashes in an urn) which tends to cause more painful thoughts of their death.

My husband, Dave, and I had the opportunity to do something quite different.  I was a leader in an international ministry for many years, which has taken me to Africa several times.  This has given me connections and friends in several African countries.  Dave and I wanted to find a way to better the lives of others, as a way to honor Becca and keep her memory alive. We gave money to some friends who lived in the extremely poor country of Burundi. They passed the money on to a family to start a little kiosk type store to support their family.  As far as we know, their business is still going and bringing this family in Burundi, Africa, hope and life!

12. things we can doSomeday, all of us who are alive right now will be long gone, and eventually, no one will be left who knew us.  But there are things we can do to make sure our children will be thought of and remembered by many, extending beyond our own lives when we leave this earth to join them.

I refuse to let Becca become nothing more than an undecorated tombstone when I leave this earth. I am going to make sure her life and legacy live on for others.

How about you?

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If you would like more ideas on ways to honor your child, just fill in your first name and email address, and we will send it to you. (Be assured, your email address stays with us and is not given out.)

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.
GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

 

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: Becca’s legacy, bereaved parent healing, child loss hope, child loss memorial ideas, child remembrance ideas, GPS Hope, grief and legacy, grief support for parents, honoring a child’s legacy, honoring a child’s life, how to keep your child’s memory alive, how to remember a child who died, international memorial projects, legacy after child loss, legacy projects for child loss, living with grief, memorial benches for children, memorial ideas for grieving parents, planting trees in memory, remembering a child after death

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