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The Best Bible Verses to Help a Grieving Parent

I have a deep concern for the parents I am serving and ministering to, that God has sent my way. Many Bible believing parents (I will even say most of them) can become anywhere from frustrated to very angry with other Christians who have never experienced the death of their own child but will quote scriptures at a devastated and grieving parent, starting at the memorial service. I spend a chunk of my time seeking God on how to undo the damage caused by well-meaning Believers who want to either  “comfort” these parents or “help them get the victory” over their grief with Bible verses.

I understand you may believe it is always the right time to share scripture with people who are hurting. You may be one who believes everything we share always needs to be backed up with Bible verses to make sure people are not being led astray. As a pastor’s kid and an international minister of the gospel, I used to believe the same thing… until my daughter passed from this earth.

Now I know that it is rarely ever a good thing for someone who has not lost a child from this earth through death to try and give advice (including quoting scriptures) to a parent who is in the place of deep grief and darkness after the death of their child. The exceptions are if you are someone who had a deep, intimate and trusting relationship with the parent before the death occurred (which includes spiritual leadership) or that parent has specifically come to you for hope and encouragement.

Sometimes because of a horrific tragedy or trauma, Christians can find themselves hurled into a suffocating pit that seems too deep, too dark and too hopeless to ever be able to get out. You and I both know that is not true, but if you are the one in the pit, it is almost impossible to believe otherwise.  The death of your child is one of those times. I can say that because I have found myself thrown into that very pit when my oldest daughter died on October 12, 2011.

For many grieving parents, Bible verses are not going to be the “rope” that works to pull them out of that place. Many of them are confused and angry with God because of what has happened. People trying to tell them what the Bible says can make these deeply wounded sheep push both Christians and God away even more (which I know is not your heart) because they already know what the Bible says. They believed it, but now, much of what they believed appears not to be true.

So, what is one of the best Bible verses to have tucked away if someone you know has lost a child? I think it is Romans 12:15. It tells us to rejoice with those who are rejoicing and to weep with those who are weeping. Some translations say to mourn with those who mourn or to share their sorrow.

We need those who will lovingly climb down into the pit with us, to be our lifeline until we are ready to grab ahold of the truth of God’s Word for ourselves once again. God can and will use His Word to bring us hope and give us strength, but not when people around us throw it our way as a Christian cliché from an emotional distance as their way of helping us.

What does being in that place with us look like? Just sitting in silence with us, crying with us, watching a movie with us, listening to us talk about our child, helping with day-to-day functions such as doing our laundry, taking our car to a gas station and filling the tank, mopping our floors, taking our kids to practice, going for a short walk with us, etc.

When you are Christ’s hands of love being extended to someone in deep darkness, I believe the Holy Spirit will also prompt and anoint your words (whether it is scriptures or not) to be a comfort and a light of hope. He will also anoint your silence if that is what is needed for the grieving parent you are with.

If you are unable to be there for them in that way because of long distance or other circumstances, contact them through phone calls or texts. Leave messages that let them know you are thinking of them and hurting with them. Send them cards in the mail on a regular basis. If they begin to respond back (and it could take a while, as in weeks or months),  then always be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and make sure anything you share with them is not you trying to fix them. Be the voice of gentle love, bringing true comfort, not correction.

Proverbs 15:23 is another verse to consider. It tells us that the right word at the right time is helpful to the receiver and brings joy to the giver. Here it is in several versions.

Everyone enjoys giving good advice, and how wonderful it is to be able to say the right thing at the right time! (TLB)

…there is nothing better than the right word at the right time. (ERV)

… how sweet is the right word at the right time! (VOICE)

To give an appropriate answer is a joy; how good is a word at the right time! (CEB)

There is another verse in Proverbs that can also be of help. Chapter twenty-five verse twenty in The Passion Translation says: When you sing a song of joy to someone suffering in the deepest grief and heartache, it can be compared to disrobing in the middle of a blizzard or rubbing salt in a wound.

I know a lot of bereaved parents who would say that sounds about right. Someone trying to cheer us up because they think we have been sad for too long and should be pulling out of it by now is extremely hurtful.

By now I am sure you have noticed that the verses I have shared are for these shattered parents in an indirect way. They are verses for those who have lost a child because they guide you in how to respond in a loving, caring, kind and needed way.

On a practical note, a few more things that will be helpful for you to know are:

  • Most experts say that anything under five years is considered fresh grief for a parent who has lost a child.
  • They also acknowledge that it is traumatic grief. These parents have been through a trauma, and many of them also deal with PTSD (including ones who were not there when their child died).
  • For many bereaved parents, the second year can be even harder in some ways than the first year.

I know our heart is to help those who are hurting, as it should be. Parents who have lost a child from this earth are hurting more deeply than most, and a big part of that painful loss will be with us for the rest of our time here on earth. I don’t expect you to be able to fully understand this about grieving parents, and all of us who are in this “unwanted life-time access club” truly hope and pray that you NEVER EVER find out! Most pareavors (parents who have been bereaved of their child) will say they would not wish this kind of pain even on their worst enemy.

Thank you for your loving concern for parents who are grieving the death of their child. I hope you will continually hold these shattered parents up to the throne room and be thankful for the work God is doing in their hearts to draw them back to Himself, in a way that may not make sense to you because you have not been in this place. It makes sense to those of us who have been there, though.

Many of us are familiar with the acronym of H.O.P.E. that says, “Hold On Pain Ends”. That saying just is not true for a bereaved parent, until we are reunited with our child on the other side of eternity. I will end this by sharing with you what I tell pareavors at the end of every single podcast. “Hold On Pain EASES. There is HOPE”!

 

We would like to send you two free chapters from the book Come Grieve Through Our Eyes: How to Give Comfort and Support to Bereaved Parents by Taking a Glimpse Into Our Hidden World. I promise you won’t be hounded to purchase the book!

There are two different options. One is if you are NOT a bereaved parent, you will also get occasional emails sharing how bereaved parents are being helped through GPS Hope. The other is for those who have lost a child, which will add you to our Weekly Word of Hope emails. You can unsubscribe from either list at any time. Click the option below that applies to you, to sign up for your free chapters.

I am a bereaved parent

I am NOT a bereaved parent

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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How to Help a Grieving Parent

I have been doing a series on the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast of parents in the Bible who had a child die. It has been a fascinating study, seeing these historical events through the eyes of someone who has also had a child die.

What has really amazed me is how much is “hidden” that I have never realized was there in each child’s death, that bereaved parents can either grab ahold of, or let go of, in their grief journey.

The first death in the Bible was Adam and Eve not only having their child die, but it was at the hands of another son! I cannot even begin to imagine what a double whammy that would be like – to have one of my children murder my other child!

I have also shared about the baby of David and Bathsheba’s who died (making King Solomon a “rainbow baby”). Last week I talked about Mary, the mother of Jesus, who was told when Jesus was just an infant that a sword would pierce her soul. (Wow! Can we bereaved parents ever relate to that!!!)

This week I am studying Job, who lost all ten of his children at the same time! Once again, I am amazed to see how much is there that we pareavors can lean into.

One of the things I have seen so clearly with Job’s story, is something I would like to share with you.

Job’s friends started out right. They sat with him for seven days in silence, just being with him in his grief, but then they started to offer him solutions (out of their own ignorance). In fact, by the end, God told three of them to go to Job and offer burnt sacrifices and have Job pray for them. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly (Job 42:7-8 NIV).

Let’s look at a couple of other scriptures.

Romans 12:15 is a pretty familiar one to most of us. Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.  Some translations say mourn with those who mourn.

Here is one we aren’t quite as familiar with. Prov. 25:20 states, Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart (NIV). 

Here it is in a different translation. When you sing a song of joy to someone suffering in the deepest grief and heartache, it can be compared to disrobing in the middle of a blizzard or rubbing salt in a wound (TPT).

There is a reason I am sharing these verses with you.

I want to help you know how to truly minister to someone who is grieving a deep loss.

Because we love and care for that person, we want to make them feel better, so we offer our best solution, which usually starts with “At least…”

  • At least you still have your other children
  • At least you know she’s in a better place
  • At least you can be happy for her because she is healed now
  • At least you got to have him for 19 years

That doesn’t make us feel better. It’s pouring vinegar (or salt) on our open gaping wound. It is making us feel totally exposed in the freezing cold blizzard of our painful loss.

Saying those kinds of things is like being Job’s comforters. They had never experienced what Job was going through, but for some reason, they decided they had the answers he needed.

Which brings up another thing some people do, thinking it helps the person grieving.

I know how you feel because I lost my ___________.

I get it. We are trying to relate to that person who is in deep grief with our deepest loss. But that just doesn’t help, especially if it isn’t even a similar loss such as, I know how you feel in losing your child because I cried for six months when my grandpa died. (Yes, I have heard that…)

One thing I have noticed is that bereaved parents very rarely tell even another grieving parent, I know how you feel, even if they lost their child the same way. We just seem to understand that our relationship with our child and the depth of the loss is so unique, that I don’t know how you feel about your loss. I know how I felt. I know the darkness I went through and how I didn’t want to live anymore for a while, etc. But that doesn’t mean I know how you feel.

Then there are the statements such as: 

  • You are so strong. I couldn’t go through what you are going through. (Say what? That makes it sound like I chose to have this loss. Believe me, I am not strong, just because you see me barely surviving.)
  • God needed another angel, so He took your child (spouse, etc.). (Newsflash: God doesn’t kill people on earth to fill an angel roster in heaven. What an awful thought!)
  • God says He won’t give us more than we can handle. (That is not in the Bible. There is a verse that says He won’t let us be tempted more than we can bear and will provide a way of escape in 1 Corinthians 10:13. In fact, we are told when life is more than we can handle that He will be our Rock, our Fortress, Our Deliver, Our Anchor, etc.)
Don’t beat yourself up if you have heard yourself say any of those things I have mentioned!

I didn’t know either, until my daughter, Becca, died. It makes me wonder how often I was like Job’s comforters, trying to offer my best solution to something I thought would help the person in deep pain, when I didn’t know what I was talking about.

So, what do I say instead?

Most often, nothing!

Let them know how sorry you are. Give them a hug, and just be with them. You can also look around to see what they need and make sure it gets done.

If you tell them, “Let me know If you need anything,” don’t expect us to contact you. After the death of our child, most of the time we don’t know what we need. If we do know, we aren’t usually going to make the effort to find someone who can help us with whatever it is. It’s just not in us – physically, emotionally, and often even spiritually. We don’t want to be around peppy people who want to try and make us feel better or fix us. We don’t want to be a burden. We are lost, confused, and in so much pain. We just want to know someone cares enough to:

  • Weep with us and hold our hand while we weep
  • Let us talk about our loss, maybe even go to the cemetery with us
  • Bring a meal for our family 2 months later, well beyond the 2-week supply from the church
  • Clean our house or do some of the laundry
  • Go for a walk with us, not with chatter that drains us, but allow us to feel what we need to feel in the silence
  • Share memories and look at pictures with us if we feel compelled to do so
  • Take our car and put gas in it for us, or if needed, have the oil changed, put new wiper blades on, etc.
  • Bless us by having a quilt made from our child’s T-shirts, or have a 3-D glass picture made from our favorite picture taken with our child, or something uniquely special we can treasure

And most importantly, to allow us to TALK ABOUT OUR CHILD. We are so afraid people will forget about him or her. One of the greatest gifts you can give a parent whose child has died it the gift of talking about their child with them.

You can also gently point them to places that have support and resources specifically for grieving parents. You may not be able to relate to their loss, but there are those who can, and who want to walk with them through the suffocating darkness of child-loss; those who have been in that place and can give them hope that it is possible to get through it to the other side and have hope and light again in their lives.

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is one of those places. Some of the resources we have to offer are:
  • A weekly podcast
  • A weekly YouTube video
  • A weekly Word of Hope delivered by email
  • A monthly blog
  • Several award-winning books, including a coloring book/journal
  • A webpage with a free library of downloadable helpful resources
  • A monthly Share & Care online fellowship group

Just sent them to gpshope.org where they can poke around and find what is helpful to them.

There is something for you there as well. Just click on the front-page article I Know a Grieving Parent. You will find more there to help you understand some specific things a parent is dealing with after the death of their child, so you can even more effectively be a strength and support to them.

I pray this has been helpful. Thank you so much for wanting to know how to help a devastated parent who has lost their child from this earth. Your loving support means more to us than we will ever be able to put into words.

There are more things than were able to be mentioned in this article. If you would like to receive the PDF of Eight Things to Avoid and Eight Things to Do For a Grieving Parent, just submit your name and email address below. (It will put you on our mailing list to receive updates about GPS Hope and stories about those we are helping, but you can unsubscribe any time you no longer want to receive them.)

 

Laura Diehl is an award-winning author, national speaker and singer. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests.

If you would like to receive monthly updates on their travel adventures click here and submit your name and email at the bottom of the page.

Looking for a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference? Click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook and subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel for grieving parents.

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