All the holidays are a struggle, but Thanksgiving is unique in that the entire purpose is to be thankful and grateful for the ways God has blessed us. But, after the death of our child, many of us don’t feel blessed at all, much less feel thankful.
As a pareavor, I totally understand the thoughts of not having anything to be thankful for in those early months and years. The death of our child is front and center and being thankful for ANYTHING can feel impossible. When we are told we can at least be thankful that we are breathing… no, we can’t, because we don’t want to be breathing, right? I remember begging God to just take me. I wasn’t suicidal, I just didn’t want to be here anymore.
To be honest, I don’t even remember those first few years. For the Thanksgiving meal, I think we all went out to eat. We may have done that for the first two to three years, until my adult children worked up the courage to say how much they missed the traditional Thanksgiving meal and being together at the house, so I did eventually go back to that.
Since we now live in our motorhome and are on the road in the Hope Mobile, Thanksgiving is very different for us, which I am quite okay with. However, this year we are driving our car back home to Wisconsin, leaving the Hope Mobile (and our cat, Savanah) with friends in Texas and I will be cooking the meal at my oldest son’s house.
This can be a constant yearly struggle for 
all of us, not wanting to disappoint our other children and family members, and at the same time, knowing we don’t have it in us to celebrate Thanksgiving, whether it is physically, emotionally, mentally, or even spiritually.
Last year, right after Thanksgiving, I received an email from my friend Jill. Her barely two-year-old son, Nathan, died suddenly and unexpectedly, over twenty years ago. Jill shared with me the struggle of still finding herself, after all those years, “having to continually give grace to those who don’t understand” because she was told on Thanksgiving at a gathering that as she matured, she should be able to celebrate again.
Let me add that her son’s birthday is in November. He died thirteen days after his birthday on November 24th and was buried on Thanksgiving Day. Talk about lots of triggers at a time of year when we are supposed to be “thankful”!
Jill goes on in the email to say what those around us don’t realize; grief has nothing to do with maturity. There is more to this email as she shares how people think she must still be struggling because of posting pictures of Nathan on these dates, and her response to that. (If you would like to hear the entire email, you can go to podcast episode 185 here or find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app).
It can be exhausting trying to explain to family and friends why we don’t want to (or can’t) celebrate holidays and special events like we have in the past, especially when they just don’t get it. Friends and family who mean well, can even insist that joining in the celebrations and festivities is just what we need. They tell us it is the best thing we can do to “get back to normal.”
That may be true with their personal experience of other losses, but we know this is not like any other loss. However, we would not know that ourselves if we were not experiencing it, so we cannot expect them to know or understand that.
Recently in a conversation with several moms, one of them commented how special it is to be able to make new memories with the one who is gone. That was such a beautiful thought, and one that I will leave you with. How can you still make new and meaningful memories during the holiday season with your child who is no longer here with you?
Yes, it will probably be painful, but like a good pain that is bringing healing. These are bittersweet days for all of us through the end of the year, and even more so if you are like Jill and there are birthdays and death dates in the middle of it.
But you can learn to learn how not to just fall into the despair of the bitter, but how to lean into the sweet. The struggle is real, but so is the Holy Spirit as He walks with you through each day, including the days we struggle to be thankful.
This was taken from a recent Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast. To hear all of what was shared (which includes something that might help to explain our grief, if not to others, at least to yourself) you can listen to it here on the GPS Hope website or listen on the GPS Hope YouTube channel. You can also find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.
Are you dreading the Christmas holiday season and wishing there was something to help you get through it? Hope for the Future: An Advent Book for Bereaved Parents is a daily reading through the Christmas season, and you can also join me live each Sunday night, lighting a candle. Find out more here.
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Expressions of Hope is provided by 
Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.
If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.
If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.
- Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
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