Last week, I wrote about the words we use when speaking about our child’s death. Words such as died, passed away, gone, or lost can feel very different from one pareavor to another, and even to the same person at different times.
This week, I want to approach the words we use from a different angle. What do we call those moments when grief suddenly hits us without warning?
When grief hits without warning after child loss, it can happen in the middle of an ordinary day, or even a genuinely good one. A song begins to play. We catch a familiar scent. Someone uses a phrase our child used to say. We see a car that looks like the one our child drove, or we walk past their favorite cereal in the grocery store.
To everyone else, it is just a song, a shirt, a car, or a box of cereal. But to us, it can suddenly be so much more.
What Do We Call These Unexpected Grief Moments?
These moments are often called grief triggers. Some people call them grief waves, grief surges, grief ambushes, or unexpected reminders. But no single phrase feels right for everyone.
One mom told me the phrase grief trigger is difficult for her because her son died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The word could also be painful for someone whose child was murdered with a gun.
I began using grief waves more often, but that phrase can bring painful images to a parent whose child drowned. Grief surge might be difficult for a parent whose child died from electrocution. Even grief ambush can carry painful associations.
There really is not a term guaranteed to feel safe for everyone. Every child died in a different way, and every parent carries different memories connected to that death.
That does not mean we need to become afraid to speak. It simply means we can be more aware and compassionate about the words we use. Whatever we choose to call these moments, they are a very real part of grief.
Why Grief Can Feel So Sudden
When our child dies, we do not only miss the person they were at the moment of their death. Our lives were deeply intertwined with theirs. Memories are attached to sounds, tastes, smells, places, routines, seasons, and ordinary objects.
Many of those connections sit quietly within us until something touches one of them.
Some reminders are easy to recognize. We know a birthday is coming. We know the anniversary date of our child’s death is approaching. We expect Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, graduations, and family weddings to carry extra weight.
But we cannot make a list of every reminder that may find us. We do not even know all of them ourselves until we encounter them.
When grief hits without warning after child loss, our bodies may respond before our minds understand what is happening. Our chest may tighten. We may feel as though we cannot catch our breath. Tears may come before we have formed a single thought. We may suddenly become quiet, anxious, irritable, or overwhelmed.
This can be confusing for the people around us. One moment we were laughing, talking, shopping, or enjoying ourselves. Then something suddenly changed.
It can be confusing for us too.
Joy and Sorrow Can Both Be Real
I remember one time our family was having a wonderful cookout in the backyard of one of our sons. I was enjoying being with everyone when it suddenly hit me that Becca was not there to be part of it.
As I looked around, I was also watching two nieces and a nephew she never got to have fun being an aunt to. The sadness came over me so suddenly that I slipped inside the house so I could have a good cry.
My son eventually discovered me there. He did not try to talk me out of being sad or convince me to come back outside and have fun. We just missed Becca together.
The wonderful afternoon with my family was real. So was the sudden ache of realizing, once again, that Becca was not there. One did not cancel out the other. I could deeply enjoy the family members who were there while deeply missing the one who was not.
We are not necessarily pretending to be okay when we are laughing and then begin crying a few minutes later. Joy and sorrow can both be real. Gratitude for those who are with us, while longing for the child who is not, can both be real at the same time.
A difficult moment can be part of a good day without taking away the good that was there.
What Can You Do When Grief Hits in Public?
When grief hits without warning after child loss, we are not always in the privacy of our own home. It may happen in a store, at church, at work, during a family gathering, or while driving.
First, give yourself permission to respond to what is happening instead of immediately judging yourself. You are not failing. You are not being dramatic. You have not ruined the day. Something unexpectedly touched that place in your heart where your love for your child still lives.
You may need to step away for a few minutes. You can sit in your car, find a quiet room, or step outside. You do not owe everyone a full explanation. A simple, “I need a few minutes,” may be all you can manage, and that is enough.
You may choose to stay and let the tears come. There is no rule that says tears must only happen in private. If you are with someone you trust, naming what happened may help you feel less disoriented and allow that person to join you in that sacred moment.
If the emotions come while you are driving and make it difficult to focus, please pull over somewhere safe. Give yourself time to cry, breathe, pray, call someone, or simply sit until you feel steady enough to continue.
Sometimes we cannot immediately leave or stop what we are doing. In that case, focus on the next small thing. Feel your feet on the floor. Take a slow breath. Sip some water if you can. Remind yourself that you only need to get through this moment, not solve your grief.
A Hard Moment Does Not Erase Your Healing
After an unexpected grief moment passes, we may feel embarrassed that we cried in front of someone. We may be frustrated that we could not hold it together. We may wonder, “I was doing so well. Why am I back here again?”
But when grief hits without warning after child loss, it does not erase how far you have come.
If you stumble while walking up a long flight of stairs, you do not suddenly find yourself back on the bottom step. You are still farther along than you were. You simply had a moment when you lost your footing.
Grief does not move in a straight line. Healing does not mean we become untouched by reminders of our child. Our love did not end, so there will continue to be moments when their absence hurts.
Please do not beat yourself up. Speak to yourself with the same kindness you would offer another pareavor. You might say, “Of course that hurt because I still love and miss my child,” or “This was a hard moment in the middle of a good day. The whole day is not ruined.”
The goal is not to handle the moment perfectly. It is to respond to yourself with care instead of shame.
When Unexpected Grief Touches Our Faith
When grief hits without warning after child loss, it may also stir questions about our faith. We may wonder why the pain can still be so sharp after so much time. We may even feel guilty because we thought we had reached a place of greater trust or peace.
But tears are not evidence that we do not trust God. Missing our child is not a spiritual failure. Jesus wept, even knowing resurrection was coming. Love and sorrow are not enemies of faith.
Prayer does not have to be long or polished. It may be nothing more than, “God, help me,” or “Jesus, this hurts.” It may be sitting silently in His presence because there are no words. It may even be telling Him, “God, I just don’t want to talk to You right now.”
God is not disappointed in us when grief catches us off guard. He is with us in the store aisle, in the church pew, in the parked car, in the quiet room, and in the middle of the family celebration where someone we love is so deeply missed.
You Have Not Gone Backward
When grief hits without warning after child loss, it can leave us shaken and make us question whether we are doing as well as we thought. But the sudden return of intense pain does not mean all our healing has disappeared.
We can laugh and then cry. We can be thankful for the people who are present and ache for the one who is not. We can trust God and still feel overwhelmed by how much we miss our child.
Most of all, do not judge your entire grief journey by one painful moment. That moment is not proof that you have gone backward. It is a reminder that your child matters, your love remains, and grief does not always give advance notice before it asks to be felt.
In the podcast episode, I talk more about preparing for reminders we know are coming, what may help when grief catches us in public, and how others can support us without trying to make our tears stop. I invite you to listen to the full episode, When Grief Hits Without Warning, for the rest of this conversation.
NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 366. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.
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AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.
In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.
For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.
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