Have you ever had one of those moments when a thought comes to you and you stop and think, “Why have I never seen it this way before?”
That happened to me recently while I was responding to an email. I found myself writing something I had never really thought about before, and as soon as I wrote it, I knew I wanted to share it. It gave me a new way to think about heaven after child loss, and maybe it will give you a new perspective as well.
We often say that unless someone has lost a child, they cannot possibly understand what this kind of pain feels like. They can sympathize with us. They can love us and walk alongside us. But they cannot fully know the darkness or the pain that is beyond words unless they have experienced it themselves.
And then this thought hit me: Unless you have been to heaven, you cannot possibly know what it is like either. We can read about the freedom, the peace, the love and the beauty. We can believe everything God tells us about it. But we have never experienced it.
And our kids are there!
What If Heaven Is as Hard to Explain as Our Grief?
I have always believed that heaven is beyond what can be described or comprehended. I have often said that when Romans 8:18 talks about how the glory to come cannot even be compared with the suffering we go through here, it must be SOME glory based on how deep our suffering is from losing a child!
As pareavors, we know what deep suffering feels like. We know what it is like to wake up to another day without our child. We know the darkness that can settle over our hearts and the ache that follows us into birthdays, holidays, family gatherings and even ordinary moments.
But I had never stopped to really think about the fact that just like I can’t describe to someone the pain and darkness the death of one’s child throws you into, maybe our kids would not be able to describe to us the total peace, perfection and glory they now live in.
Think about that for a minute.
Have you ever tried to explain to someone what it feels like to lose a child? There simply are not words. You can describe the tears. You can describe the loneliness. You can describe the feeling that part of you has been ripped away. But no matter how hard you try, someone who has never experienced the death of a child cannot truly understand what it feels like.
Now turn that around.
What if our children tried to explain heaven to us? How would they describe a place where there is no fear, sickness, disappointment, regret, loneliness, tears or death? How would they explain standing in the presence of Jesus? How could they possibly put into words the peace, perfection and overwhelming love they are experiencing?
I don’t think they could!
Maybe it would be just as impossible for them to describe heaven to us, as it is for us to describe child loss to someone who has never experienced it.
Our children know something we don’t.
They no longer have to wonder what heaven is like. They know.
For me, that has become a new way to think about heaven after child loss.
When You’re Not Sure Your Child Is in Heaven
Before I move on, I want to speak to those whose hearts may have gone somewhere completely different while reading this. As I’ve been talking about our children being in heaven, some of you may have felt a knot in your stomach because you’re not sure your child is there.
I know this is one of the deepest fears some grieving parents carry. Maybe your child never made a profession of faith that you know about. Maybe they had walked away from God. Maybe you simply don’t know, and that question has tormented you.
I don’t have all the answers. None of us do. There are things about eternity that belong to God alone. But I do know the heart of our Heavenly Father.
I believe God’s love for your child is even greater than your love for your child. As impossible as that may seem, He created your son or daughter, He loves them with a perfect love, and His desire has always been to draw them into a relationship with Him.
Because of that, I believe God is big enough to have made every opportunity possible for your child to accept Him before leaving this earth. That could have happened during a time you know nothing about. It could have happened in a quiet conversation with God that was never shared with anyone else. It could even have happened in the final moments of your child’s life.
Not having the information that you desperately want to have doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. The way I see it, you can continue living in the torment of fear that your child might not be there, or you can live with peace, trusting that God made every opportunity possible for your child to receive His gift of salvation, even at the moment of crossing over, and your child accepted that gift and is waiting for you.
I’m not trying to settle a theological debate. I simply want to encourage you to trust the heart of a God who loves your child even more than you do. There are questions we may not have answered until we get to heaven ourselves, but we can take those questions and fears to Him.
Knowing About Heaven Doesn’t Take Away the Pain
Before I go any further, though, I want to make something very clear. This new perspective (of heaven being so incredible our children would not be able to describe it to us) does not somehow make our pain disappear.
As much as I believe Becca is in heaven, and as much as I believe she is experiencing a joy beyond anything I can imagine, I still miss her. I still wish she were here. I still wish she could be sitting around the table with the rest of our family. Believing that heaven is wonderful doesn’t take away the ache of wishing our children were still here with us.
One of the things I have said for many years is that being a spiritual person doesn’t automatically erase the painful effects of our child leaving this earth ahead of us. Knowing our child is in heaven and believing we will see him or her again someday doesn’t bring some kind of God sized eraser that wipes away all the pain. It simply doesn’t work that way.
Sometimes, especially as Christians, I think we put pressure on ourselves that God never intended us to carry. We think that because we believe in heaven, we shouldn’t hurt so much. We may even wonder if something is wrong with our faith because the grief is still so deep after several years.
But I don’t believe God asks us to choose between hope and sorrow. He allows us to carry both at the same time.
There is a part of my heart that is incredibly happy for Becca. She will never know pain again. She will never face another surgery. She has both legs and no more heart issues. She is with Jesus, and there isn’t one part of me that would ever want to take that away from her.
But there is another part of me that still misses my daughter.
Those two things don’t cancel each other out. They live together in my heart. I can rejoice for where she is while grieving the fact that she isn’t here. I think that is one of the tensions we learn to carry as pareavors.
And this is important when we talk about a new way to think about heaven after child loss. Seeing heaven differently does not mean we suddenly stop grieving. It simply gives us another perspective to hold alongside our grief.
When Heaven Becomes Personal
I think one of the biggest changes that happens after the death of our child is that we begin living between two worlds.
Before Becca died, heaven was absolutely real to me because God’s Word tells us it is real. I believed the promises Scripture makes about eternity, and I looked forward to going there someday. But if I’m honest, I believed in heaven, but I wasn’t constantly thinking about it.
Then Becca died.
Suddenly, heaven wasn’t just a place I read about in my Bible. It became personal because someone I loved with all my heart was living there.
That is another part of finding a new way to think about heaven after child loss. We don’t become so heavenly minded that we stop caring about our lives here on earth. God still has purpose for us. He still has people for us to love, work for us to do and lives for us to touch. We still have family and friends, and we still have opportunities to reflect the love of Christ to those around us.
But something inside us has changed forever. Part of our heart is already in heaven.
I don’t mean that we should spend our days wishing our lives away. I don’t believe that’s God’s desire for us. We aren’t called to sit and wait until we die so we can be with our child again. We are called to live the life He has given us with purpose and faithfulness, even when it hurts.
At the same time, I don’t think we should apologize for longing for heaven more than we used to.
“But Laura, You’ve Made a Deposit There”
Almost one year to the day of Becca’s transfer to heaven, I admitted something to a friend that I felt terrible about. I told her I was looking forward to seeing Becca more than I was looking forward to seeing Jesus.
Her response was so precious.
“But Laura, you’ve made a deposit there!”
Those words stayed with me.
Several weeks later, I was reading in Matthew and came to chapter 6, verse 21: “Where your treasure is, your heart will be also.” Seeing that in the Word was both confirming and comforting.
My heart wasn’t being drawn toward heaven because I loved Jesus less. Someone I treasured was already there.
I think Jesus understands this. I picture getting to heaven and running to Becca, wrapping my arms around her and giving her the biggest hug ever, while Jesus watches with a huge smile, knowing He made this reunion possible. Then I picture myself turning to Him with so much love and gratefulness because He is the reason I get to have that moment.
And by the way, it took several years for me to get to the place where I could honestly say I am just as excited to see Jesus as I am to see my daughter.
Child loss changed the way I look at heaven. It isn’t just somewhere I am going someday. Someone I love deeply is already there.
A New Way to Think About Heaven After Child Loss
Child loss changed the way I look at heaven. It isn’t just somewhere I am going someday. Someone I love with all my heart is already there.
And now this new thought has given me another perspective. Just as I cannot adequately describe the depth and darkness of losing a child to someone who hasn’t experienced it, maybe Becca couldn’t adequately describe the peace, perfection and glory of heaven to me. She knows something I don’t because she is experiencing something I have never experienced.
That doesn’t make me miss her any less. But there is something comforting about knowing that while I am still trying to imagine what heaven is like, she doesn’t have to imagine it anymore.
She knows.
And one day, I will too.
NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 361. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.
My Grief Journey, My Grief Journey for Kids and other books by Laura: www.gpshope.org/books
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AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.
In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.
For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.
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