How do we trust a God who could have stopped our child from dying, but didn’t? That is a question so many of us have wrestled with. We may still believe in Him, but trying to understand His love and goodness after something so devastating can leave us with questions we never thought we would be asking.

I recently had a conversation with Markie Ribera about trusting God after losing all four children. She also lost her mother in the same house fire. As a bereaved parent, you may hear that and immediately think, “I can barely survive losing one child. How is she doing this?” That was part of why I wanted to have her join me on the podcast after we met at an Umbrella Ministries conference.

What I appreciate about Markie is that she does not try to make her story sound less painful than it is. She deeply misses her children. There are things about their deaths that are still very hard to carry. But she also shares how Jesus has met her in that pain, and I believe there is something in her experience that can encourage us in our own struggles.

When Everything Changed in One Morning

Markie and her husband, Carlos, had already been through a lot before the fire. Carlos had nearly died from COVID, his mother had passed away, and a few months later, Markie’s father died as well. Their marriage had been struggling, but they were working things out and coming back together.

On February 11, 2022, they woke up to multiple missed calls from the state police and family members. They were away from home, and Markie’s mother was staying with their four children. At first, all they knew was that their house was on fire.

Markie got in the car and headed toward home. She remembers thinking about her children’s beautiful faces and pleading with God, “Please don’t ask this of me.” When she reached a roadblock near her house, she called Carlos. The police had already reached him, and he was the one who told her that nobody had made it.

Their children were Catherine, who was seven; Caleb, who would have turned six just six days later; Christian, who was four; and Casper, who was two. Markie’s mother died trying to save them. In a matter of moments, Markie had lost her home, her mother, and all four of her children.

Even now, she says it can sometimes feel like a dream. Their house is different, their jobs are different, and their lives are completely different. I think many of us understand that feeling of looking at our lives and barely recognizing them.

Trusting God While Still Deeply Hurting

Something Markie said something during our conversation that I thought was pretty amazing, and I greatly appreciate it. She and Carlos have a hard time when people put them on a pedestal and say they cannot imagine how they are making it. As pareavors, we hear that from others, but Markie hears it from bereaved parents, too.

Her response is that it is not them doing it. It is Jesus through them. They had lost so much, including so many of the people closest to them, that she felt He was the only one they could fully lean on. As she put it, they were “obligated to cling to the only One who matters.”

For Markie, trusting God after losing all four children has meant reaching for Him when she had nothing else to hold on to. That made me stop and think, because we often feel that suffering is when God is farthest away. Yet He promises to be near to the brokenhearted. What if He is closer than we realize, even when everything in us feels otherwise?

We talked about Jesus telling His disciples that they would have trouble in this world, but that they could have peace in Him. It was through Him, through Jesus Himself, that peace would come. We may never find an explanation that settles all our questions, but we can still find peace in His presence.

And having peace does not mean we don’t still hurt intensely. Something God showed me years ago is that pain is in our soul, while peace is a fruit of the Spirit. As we lean on Him, peace can grow in our spirit even while our soul is hurting. Those things can exist together, which is something Markie’s story helps us see.

Remembering Our Children Are No Longer Suffering

One of the hardest things for Markie and Carlos is thinking about how their children left this world. I know that is true for many parents. Sometimes it is not only their absence that torments us, but remembering or imagining what they experienced before they died.

Markie shared that what has helped her find peace is picturing Jesus with each of her children that night. She could not have held all four of them at once, but He could be with every one of them. She believes He was holding them in their suffering, and that He cried with them because He loved them even more than she did.

Now she pictures Him holding her as she cries because they are no longer here. As we talked, I  thought about how He can hold our children and hold us at the same time. There is something precious about that picture.

It also brought us to something we may need to remind ourselves of: our children are not still suffering. We can replay what happened over and over in our minds, putting ourselves through the torment again. Some of our children had long illnesses, and we have painful memories of what they endured. But that is not where they are now. Compared to eternity, their suffering was a moment. We are still here remembering it, while they are beyond that pain.

Listening to Markie talk about trusting God after losing all four children reminded me that peace can sometimes come through changing what we picture. Instead of only seeing what happened, we can ask God to help us remember where our children are now, and Who is holding them.

Receiving Good Without Calling Our Loss Good

Markie relates deeply to Job, who also lost all his children. But she talked about things she has that Job did not have in the same way. She has the example of Jesus, the Scriptures readily available to her, and the Holy Spirit living within her. She also still has her health, and she and Carlos are closer than ever.

As we talked about Job and the beautiful things God can bring into a devastated life, Markie shared about the three children she and Carlos have welcomed since the fire (which includes twin boys). She sees goodness in her family, her marriage and the opportunities she now has to share Jesus with others. But then she said something I think many of us need to hear.

She loves her life today, but she never would have chosen to trade the world that had Catherine, Caleb, Christian, and Casper in it for this world. And now, she could not choose to give up the children she has here, either. She loves all of them.

Before becoming pregnant again, she wished she could have a time machine. But once she knew another child was coming, she realized she would love that child just as much as the others. Her children would all be together in eternity, even though they would not all be together here.

This is such an important part of what Markie shares about trusting God after losing all four children. Receiving something good does not make our loss worth it. It does not replace the children we love or take away how deeply we miss them. We can be thankful for what is here today and still wish with everything in us that our child was here to share it.

When Life Looks Like Tangled Threads

Toward the end of our conversation, Markie mentioned the poem “The Weaving,” made well known by Corrie ten Boom. It describes how we see the underside of a weaving, with its knots and tangled threads, while God sees the picture from above.

That speaks to me, because so much of life after child loss feels like looking at those tangled threads and wondering how any of it could ever make sense. We can appreciate the picture in that poem and still wish the dark threads were never part of our lives. We are not foolish for struggling with what is in front of us. Our pain is real, and God understands why we have questions.

I don’t know how much He will explain when we are with Him, or whether the questions that feel so urgent now will still matter in the same way. But I believe we will see His love more fully than we can today. Until then, we can bring Him the tangled threads without having to figure out the pattern ourselves.

There is much more to my conversation with Markie about trusting God after losing all four children than I can share here. To hear her introduce her children, talk more about her faith, and share how their memory continues through her ministry, Keep Going Really, listen to the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode, “Trusting God After Losing All Four Children: Markie’s Story.” (You can also hear me read “The Weaving” that Markie referred to.

You don’t have to see the whole picture to ask Jesus to help you get through today. Even if all you can say is, “Please help me,” you can bring Him your broken heart and ask Him to meet you right where you are.

NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 371. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

Markie Ribera’s website: keepgoingreally.com

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Download our FREE GUIDE. Rebuilding Your Life: A Gentle Guide Toward Hope and Healing After Child Loss. Discover gentle encouragement for your broken heart, practical support for the days ahead, and hope that meets you right where you are.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope. 

Does healing mean letting go of your child? For many of us, healing after child loss can feel frightening because we wonder what it will mean for the love and connection we still carry. Sometimes that question comes when we have laughed and then felt guilty afterward. Sometimes, it comes when we realize we enjoyed a family gathering, even though our child wasn’t there.

Or perhaps someone has told us it is time to move on, and we wonder whether healing is supposed to mean talking about our child less or putting that part of our life behind us.

If you have wondered about this, I want to answer clearly: Healing does not mean letting go of your child.

Healing After Child Loss Does Not End Our Love

People mean different things when they talk about “letting go.” There may be things we eventually need help releasing, such as the belief that we should have been able to prevent our child’s death or the guilt we feel when we have a good day. But our child is not something we need to release.

We don’t have to loosen our hold on our love for them in order to receive help from God or begin living again.

I am still Becca’s mom. She is still my daughter. Her death changed our relationship in a way I never wanted or imagined, but it did not end my love for her or remove her place in our family.

I still miss hearing her voice and her laugh. I miss the conversations we would be having now and seeing her name come up on my phone. There are times when something happens and I know exactly what she would have thought about it. I want to pick up the phone and tell her, and then I feel the absence of a conversation we can no longer have here.

People understand that we miss our child at weddings and holidays. But so much of loving someone happens in the middle of an ordinary day. It is sharing something funny, asking what they think or hearing about their life. It may even be a little habit that used to irritate us but that we would give almost anything to experience again.

We Miss the Person They Would Be Today

We miss more than the child we knew. We also miss the person they would be today.

I watch my four surviving children grow and change, and I am grateful that I get to share their lives with them. At the same time, I wonder what Becca would be like now. What would be happening in her life? What would our conversations sound like at this stage? Those questions are part of missing her, too.

Whatever age your child was when they died, there was more life you expected to share. Their absence is felt in what you knew and loved and in all that you expected to come.

Continuing to miss them is part of healing after child loss. When a parent says, “I still miss my child,” even after many years, that does not tell us whether they have healed. Of course they miss their child. They are still a parent who loves them.

Enjoying Life Does Not Mean Leaving Your Child Behind

We may be sitting with family, laughing together, and suddenly realize that we have been happy for a little while. For some of us, that realization brings guilt. How could I be happy when my child isn’t here? If I can enjoy this, am I leaving them behind?

I have been fifteen years without Becca now. I love my husband, my surviving children and my grandchildren. I am thankful for the life God has given me and for where He has brought me. And there are still moments in the middle of something wonderful when I think, I wish Becca were here.

I can be glad for everyone around the table and wish she was sitting there, too. Enjoying what is happening does not mean that I have stopped missing her. Missing her does not mean that I am unable to enjoy the people who are with me. There is room in my heart for both.

Someone may hesitate to say our child’s name during a happy occasion because they are afraid it will make us sad. But we have not forgotten that our child died. Very often, we are already thinking about them.

Maybe your child would have loved the fireworks everyone is watching or had a way of making everyone laugh at a holiday meal. Being able to say so allows them to remain part of the family conversation. You don’t have to hide one part of your heart in order to share another.

Our Love Is Not Measured by Our Pain

Healing after child loss does not require the empty place where our child should be to disappear. I do not expect Becca’s place in my heart or in our family to disappear. I would not want it to.

The pain of missing her is different from what it was in the first months and years, when I sometimes wondered how I would keep breathing through it. But I still wish we had more time together, and I always will. That does not mean I have failed to heal. It means I continue to love my daughter.

For some pareavors, the possibility of the pain easing can feel frightening. We become so used to feeling our child’s absence through pain that we wonder whether we would somehow be farther away from them if it eased.

Our love for our child is not measured by how much we hurt on any given day. A day when you laugh does not erase a day when you cried. If the ache becomes less constant, your child does not become less important.

You can still speak their name, tell their stories and carry something they taught you into the way you love someone else. You don’t have to turn any of that into a project or do something impressive with your grief. Your child’s life matters because they lived, and they will always be part of your life.

Making Room for Life at Your Own Pace

If you cannot imagine enjoying life again right now, please don’t hear my experience fifteen years later as a standard you must reach by a certain time. We cannot force ourselves to feel ready before we are ready or decide one morning that we are finished grieving.

Healing after child loss holds the possibility that the pain you feel today may not always fill every moment in the same way. One day you may have room to breathe, to laugh and to look forward to tomorrow. None of that asks you to love your child less.

I believe God can help us in this place where we love our child so deeply and still need to keep living here. His grace can meet us in our grief. We do not have to let go of our child before we can receive it.

Perhaps for now you can allow someone who loves you to sit with you, pray for you or hold on to hope when you cannot hold it for yourself. And if you are beginning to find moments you want to live, you are allowed to welcome them.

Your child’s place in your heart is safe. You can carry your love for them with you into every day that is still ahead.

Helping Others Understand What We Carry

The thoughts shared here come from two chapters in the newly released (on October 12, 2026) second edition of Come Grieve Through Our Eyes: “We Never Stop Missing Our Child” and “Choosing Life Again.” I wrote this book to help family members, friends and church communities understand what we carry after the death of our child and how to offer support that meets us where we are.

For pareavors, it can also be reassuring to see experiences and feelings we struggle to explain put into words. My hope is that this book will help you feel understood and help those who love you recognize that healing does not mean leaving your child behind. You can learn more about Come Grieve Through Our Eyes: How to Support a Bereaved Parent After Child Loss by clicking here.

For more on the fears and guilt that can come with healing, listen to episode 369 of the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast, “Does Healing Mean Letting Go of Our Child?”

NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 369. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

Pre-order Come Grieve Through Our Eyes and begin the journey toward deeper understanding and compassion.

Find out more about The GPS Hope Grief Cruise in October, 2027.

Free printable guide: Rebuilding Your Life: A Gentle Guide Toward Hope and Healing After Child Loss.

Check out all the GPS Hope resources here.

To support this podcast and, keep it ad-free, and get exclusive content, visit us on Patreon

Download our FREE GUIDE. Rebuilding Your Life: A Gentle Guide Toward Hope and Healing After Child Loss. Discover gentle encouragement for your broken heart, practical support for the days ahead, and hope that meets you right where you are.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope.