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Their Birthday is So Hard!

Forever 29. Every bereaved parent reading this knows exactly what that means.

April 13th is my daughter, Becca’s, birthday. She would have turned 41 this week. She died at age 29, so knowing she would be in her 40’s now makes it seem like she has been gone for much longer than eleven years. Wow! How is that even possible? I have a hard time wrapping my head around it or imagining Becca that old.

I should have already called her to make plans. “What are you doing for your birthday? Do you want me to make something, and you and your family come over here for supper?” I should have already gone shopping for the ingredients of her favorite cake – chocolate filled angel food.

It doesn’t help that the further away we get from our child being gone, it seems the fewer people want to continue celebrating with us, which really hurts. Far too many people question why we still want to find a way to acknowledge our child’s birthday when they are no longer here with us. The reason is pretty simple. It is because we gave birth to a human being which is a big deal! (Or we adopted a child who became like our own flesh and blood, and their birthday is the day they came into the world as our special chosen gift.) Just because he or she is no longer on this earth does not erase that fact, or our memory of it, nor does it take away our instantly fierce and intense love for the little bundle of joy that came into our lives that day.

The day our children entered the world was a special gift from God, and it should be celebrated, even if no one wants to join in. You may want to do the same thing every year, such as bake their favorite cake. If no one wants to share it with you, take it to a homeless shelter and let them know it is in honor of your child’s birthday. (The people there know what it is like to be going through a rough time. They will appreciate your thoughtfulness and probably want to hear you share about your son or daughter.)

You may want to do something different each year, depending on the circumstances. Right now, that is easy for me, since we live in the Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home), which means we are literally in a different place each year. One year I got my guitar out and wrote a song, honoring the day our children came into this world and into our lives. (It is called I Remember Well, which has since been recorded. You can find it on most listening apps such as Spotify, Pandora, iHeart radio, etc. or click here to listen.)

This year, we will have the blessing of spending it with Becca’s twenty-year-old daughter who now lives in Tennessee. I am making Becca’s favorite chocolate-filled angel food cake and we will remember and celebrate Becca together, which I am looking forward to, in a very bittersweet way for sure.

Happy Birthday, Becca! I celebrate the day you entered this world, with all the emotions that now come with it, but most of all with the same deep love I had, and will always have, for you.

How do you feel about your child’s birthday? Some of you may not want to celebrate his or her birthday because it is just too painful to not have them here. I understand that, but I want to gently remind you that your child’s life is still worth celebrating. Please ask the Holy Spirit to help you still see the blessing of this very special day when it comes.

It doesn’t mean you won’t cry, or not feel your heart breaking. It just means you are acknowledging the gift given to you, and showing how thankful you are that you got to be your child’s mom or dad, no matter how short that time was.

And you don’t have to wait for his or her birthday. You can take time right now to celebrate in your heart and thank God for the gift of the day your child came into this world.

As a final note: I love to help pareavors celebrate their children’s birthdays and do so by announcing your children on my Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast the week of his or her birthday. If you would like me to share your child who is no longer here with our thousands of listeners, click here and submit the needed information.

Since this is the birthday week of Laura’s daughter, Becca, Their Birthday is So Hard! is also this week’s topic on the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast.

Along with talking about how difficult their birthdays can be, Laura shares some encouragement in this area, as well as various ideas on how to celebrate our child’s birthday, even while deeply missing them. You will also get to hear Laura sing the entire song that she wrote, “I Remember Well” which plays in the background of each week’s birthday segment. Listen to it here, or find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

Today’s blog was taken from Laura’s book being released later this month called Reflections of Hope: Daily Reflections for Bereaved Parents. If you would like to know more, click here.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Removing the Sting of Death

There is a verse we hear every year around this time, which is one I struggled with after my daughter, Becca, died. 1 Corinthians 15:55 (NLT) says, O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? I can tell you exactly where death’s sting is after the death of my daughter!

I begged the Holy Spirit to please explain this to me. I know His Word is true, but this verse was not true in my life – not even close! God did not answer that prayer right away, but one day when it was not even on my mind, He began to speak to me about it.

Whenever we are dealing with a bee sting, one of the first things we do is make sure we get the stinger out. My understanding is that sometimes the stinger remains in the skin and continues to release its poison until it is pulled out.

Right now, we still have the stinger in us. The pain from the “poison” of our child’s death is still affecting us and will continue, until we join our child on the other side of eternity. That is where the “sting of death” will be pulled from us, and we will no longer be under the effect of that poison and continue feeling the pain of our child’s death.

As I read the scripture in multiple Bible versions, I discovered what the Holy Spirit had spoken to my heart is exactly what this verse means. The Contemporary English version puts it this way. “Our dead and decaying bodies will be changed into bodies that won’t die and won’t decay. The bodies we have now are weak and can die, but they will be changed into bodies that are eternal and then the Scriptures will come true. Death has lost the battle. ‘Death, where is your victory? Death, where is your sting?’ Death, you’ve lost the battle. You’ve lost the power to hurt us. It’s gone! The stinger has been pulled!”  

Did you catch that? This version actually says that the stinger has been pulled! I know it doesn’t help for the sting you are feeling right now, but we can all hang on, because there will come a time when this scripture will  become true in our lives.

But what about right now?

Many Christians have been taught that God has a wonderful plan for their lives. We think that means our life is going to be great—full of fun, laughter, sunshine—and nothing bad will ever touch us. But that is man’s interpretation.

Jesus warned that we will have hard times, but promised that He will be with us to help us through them. He said those who mourn will be comforted (not that we will never mourn). He said we will always have the poor with us (He did not end poverty at that time). These are the kinds of things the Holy Spirit will use the most, to draw us closer to Himself and to have the opportunity to know Him more intimately than we ever knew was even possible. And He will bring us to a place of being victorious if we let Him.

God’s love for us is the one stable thing that we can count on in the life we are living here on this earth. Not only does He love you, but He is right smack dab in the middle of your grief with you, and He is excited about you, knowing your future and the good things He still has for you.

He is the foundation we have built our lives on. Most foundations of a building are unable to be seen. That does not mean it is not there. A building might fall, but the foundation remains. Our lives may have fallen apart, but the foundation of Christ is still there. We may not believe it, we may not be able to see it or feel it, but He is still there, firm and steady.

God does have a plan for your life. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord…to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11. One translation says, “I have plans to give you a future filled with hope.”

Your future is full of hope. It can also be filled with wonder and amazement at the goodness and faithfulness of God, through both the incredible blessings and the painful tragedies because through both, we have the opportunity to see His powerful hand at work in our lives.

He is your anchor, your rock, your firm foundation. He is also a very present help in time of trouble and the giver of hope. Ask Him to open your eyes to see those things in a very real way. And not only can you have hope in your future here on earth, the most truly wonderful part happens when we leave this sinful world and move to eternity with Jesus. And just think, as a side note, we have someone very dear and close to us who has beat us there.

This is a shortened version of the recent Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode of the same title. If you would like to hear the rest of these thoughts, click here.

To find out more about Laura’s soon-to-be-released book Reflections of Hope: Daily readings for Bereaved Parents click here.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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What Season of Grief are You In?

 

I don’t know about where you live, but in Wisconsin it’s always exciting to see the first robin of the year because it is a sure sign that spring is coming, even though there will probably be more snow. Both have happened. Robins have been seen, and they just got another twelve-hour snowstorm that dumped five to eight inches of snow!

Some years, the warm weather and the beauty of colorful flowers, green trees and grass, can arrive quite late, causing us to feel anxious. This makes me think about how anxious we can be in our grief, as well.

“When will I stop hurting so bad?”

“I don’t think I will ever enjoy life again.”

These are things we think and say, especially the first two or three years after the death of our child.

Everything is colorless, and we feel bitterly cold and dead inside ourselves. We can’t see a way out, thinking this is how it will be for the rest of our lives.

I have recently had several moms tell me that they didn’t think they ever would or could get past the darkness, but now two years, or three years, or five years after their child’s death, something is stirring inside them that they want to start feeling alive again. I see this as a sign that the “winter” of grief is coming to a close, and the new growth of spring is on its way.

There is no right or wrong amount of time for us to be in that dark suffocating place of grief. But wherever you are on this journey, I pray that this spring will give you a sign as a reminder of hope, that just like God made the sun to rise every morning, and spring to always follow winter, that He made a way for you to have life again after the death of your child, even if you can’t imagine it to be so.

As you know, it is lent, which leads up to Easter, the day we specifically remember Jesus’ death and resurrection. Even if you are angry at Him for not stepping in and saving your child from leaving this earth, I encourage you to take a moment to thank Him, that at least He made a way for you to be with your child again very soon, never to be separated again, because of what Jesus came to earth to do in reconciling a sinful decaying world to Himself.

Until that day comes, I hope you will also join me in being thankful that the winter season is coming to a close and spring is on its way, both physically in the seasons, and emotionally in our grief.

Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring. Hosea 6:3 (NLT)

 

 

Taken from the soon-to-be-released book Reflections of Hope: A Daily Reading for Bereaved Parents. Click here for details.

This was part of Episode 204 of the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast. Click here to listen to the rest of what was shared on this topic, or look for the podcast on your favorite listening app.

 

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Sexual Intimacy After Child Loss

This is a topic that no one seems to talk about after the trauma of the death of one’s child, and yet for those of us who are married, it is another area that is greatly affected. How do I know? Because I have received several emails over the past few years asking me what I have to offer for help in this area.

Sadly, I have not had anything, until now. I recently had guest, Linda Dillow, back on the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast.  This may sound strange, but Linda is highly qualified on the topic of God’s view of sexual intimacy. After studying it out for herself, God led her to write a book, which led to more books and doing over eighty conferences on this topic.

A couple of years ago, her daughter passed away, which now also (unfortunately) qualifies her to talk about this topic within the deep grief of losing a child. Knowing this, I asked her to come on and talk to us about sexual intimacy after child loss.

Linda shared there are six reasons why God gives us the gift of sexual intimacy.

  1. To create life
  2. A defense against temptation
  3. Intimate (yada) oneness
  4. For knowledge (knowing and loving each other in our vulnerability)
  5. For pleasure (Yes, God gave us body parts for the purpose of pleasure.)

The sixth one is for the purpose of comfort. We see this specifically when David and Bathsheba lost their infant son. The Bible tells us that David went in to comfort Bathsheba his wife. He lay down with her and they had sexual relations (2 Samuel 12:24).

Have you heard of En Gedi? It is an oasis in the scorching desert over in Israel. It is a place surrounded by beautiful palm trees, with caves and fresh springs that turn into waterfalls landing in refreshing pools of water. David hid there when King Saul was trying to hunt him down to kill him so he couldn’t become the new king (1 Samuel 23 and 24).

It is also mentioned in the Song of Solomon, which is an intimate peek into the lives of a pair of married lovers. In chapter one, verse fourteen, the woman is speaking about her husband, saying, “My beloved is like a cluster of henna flowers in the desert gardens of En Gedi.”

Most couples struggle greatly with their sex life after the death of their child, even to the point of wanting nothing to do with sex for multiple reasons (especially us moms), but that is because we fail to realize or understand God’s purposes for this special act of intimacy.

Isn’t it amazing to know that one reason God gave us the gift of sexual intimacy is so we can comfort each other? It is like having our own personal En Gedi in our scorching and dry wilderness of grief!

This is just a very sparse writing, taken from my talk with Linda on this subject. There is so much more to this topic that it is split into two very full podcast episodes. If you would like to hear our full discussion, or find out more about Linda Dollow, click the links below.

Episode 201: God’s Gift of Sexual Intimacy

Episode 202: Sexual Intimacy after Child Loss

If you would like to know about a literal get-away for you and your spouse, join us for one of our GPS Hope & Healing retreats (click here for info), or join us on a cruise (find out more here).

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Six Pitfalls of Grief

In today’s blog, I want to share something that is based on what a pareavor, Libby Farrell, wrote about the pitfalls of grief.

We will face pitfalls on this unwanted grief journey after the death of our child. The valley of the shadow of grief is real and it is big. There can be many different feelings and emotions while on this unwanted journey.

  1. Fear

Fear can feel overwhelming.

    • We fear for our children who are still here with us.
    • We fear “moving on.”
    • We fear people will forget our child.
    • We fear that there is a timeline for grief, and we are not doing it right.
    • We have a fear of laughing and living life in a way that feels good again.

We can also fear that our child might not be in heaven, but we don’t have all the information to know that. What we DO know is that it is not God’s will that any perish. We can trust that God did everything possible to offer our child the gift of salvation, including that moment they crossed over from this world to the next. Your child probably realized how deeply they are loved by Him and said yes.

So, we can choose to live in fear that our child might not be in heaven, or we can choose to live in faith, trust and peace, that our child is with Him. I highly recommend choosing faith and peace, because God is right, fear brings torment.

If you struggle with these fears or others, cry out to God. Scream at Him, tell Him your true fears; let it all out. Then ask Him to help you hand over those fears to Him, because God is big enough to carry them for us and wants to exchange that fear for peace.

Fear is such a big thing for us that I did an entire podcast series with individual episodes talking about the different fears. They are episodes 12-18, Click here for episode twelve, and you can go from there to listen to the ones that affect you.

  1. Depression & Anxiety

This is not something to be ashamed of. It is okay to not be okay. It does not mean you aren’t a good enough Christian. It is okay, and does not show weakness, to need and seek professional guidance and help.

If your stomach is having problems, or your knee keeps buckling, or your thyroid isn’t functioning properly, you don’t have a problem with having someone look at it and help you deal with it. The brain is no different. Please get help if you need it, and don’t be ashamed or feel guilty.

  1. Longings and triggers

A longing is a strong, persistent desire or craving, an aching, especially for something distant or unattainable.

We long for our child who has left this earth. We long to hear their laugh, be able to give them a hug, or to hear them say, “I love you.” However, we can be thankful that this is not “unattainable,” but only “distant,” as we will see them again someday in a place where there are no more tears, no more pain, and no more separation.

You will have waves of grief that will take you under. When that happens, allow yourself some alone time to reflect on the happy times spent together. Write down what made you love and appreciate that person and the positive moments spent together. Reflect on the good times. Read them out loud.

You can also read Psalms and Lamentations because so much of it is crying out to God from a place of pain and suffering, which we can relate to.

  1. Regret

We will all have times of regret that can overwhelm us. At some point we have to let them go, or we will forever be brought to our knees from the bullying pain these thoughts bring. What is done is done.

Your child does not have any regrets. Our children are living their best life ever, and they are not dwelling on what we should have done differently.

So next time those regrets get stuck in your head, journal what you think their eternal home is like. Get caught up in imagining what heaven truly looks like. Listen to songs and read books about heaven and thank Him for the new life that He created for our loved one.

When you join your child, those regrets will be totally wiped away forever. Why wait until then? Release yourself from them right now.

  1. Loneliness and Isolation

Be prepared for your friendships to change. Your circle of friends will start to look different. Many of those you thought would be there for you just aren’t, for various reasons.

Just being around other people isn’t what we are longing for, though. It is being around people who care, and who will allow us to be whoever we need to be, at any given moment, in our grieving.

This is why pareavors gravitate to each other. So reach out to grief support groups, reach out to other parents who are walking the same unwanted journey.

You will have times when you will want to Isolate, and that is ok. Sometimes you need this. But it can also make things worse. Put yourself on a two-day rule. No isolating past two days, because then it becomes unhealthy. If you can’t get past it on the 3rd day, you need to reach out to someone who won’t try to fix you but just be with you (like a friend or family member) or someone who can help pull you out of that dangerous place (like a pastor or counselor).

  1. Thinking you cannot go on without your child here with you

You will feel like you can’t go on living another day, but you can. You may feel like you cannot go on for another minute, but you can. You may not like hearing this, but God still has a purpose for your life. Seek God’s heart and pray about what He has for you to do that will help others in some way. You may even find it is doing something in your child’s honor and memory.

When you feel like you can’t live another day, change your surroundings, go for a drive, be in church or with a friend, pastor or therapist who can help walk you through. Go outside and scream to God, pray and truly lay it all out to Him.

God can help you through all these things that can be pitfalls. We cannot get out of them on our own, nor should we try. This is when we need to fall into the arms of God and let Him carry us.

This was taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast, episode 200: Six Pitfalls of Grief. Click here to listen to the audio directly on the GPS Hope website, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

Not only is God with you, there is a community here at Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) that is with you. If you would like to connect with us, the best way to do so is to sign up below and start receiving the Weekly Word of Hope emails, sent out each Wednesday.

Laura’s newest book, Reflections of Hope: Daily Readings for Bereaved Parents will be available in a few weeks. To find out more, click here. You can also sign up to be one of the first ones to know when the book is available, along with a few bonus items you can receive if you order it right away.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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