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This Mom’s Grief

by Valorie Breslau

This Mom’s Grief

Have a good day….

How will I ever be able?

My smile forever different

And broken

My world now unstable.

 

All my tomorrows without you

Frighten me to no end.

Dear Lord,

How can I do this without

my beautiful son, my friend?

 

What matters is different

Same no more.

What I wouldn’t give

To have you crash through

The front door.

 

The person I was has left

And can no

Longer be,

Because someone so special

Has been taken from me.

 

My heart is still beating

The same one that gave you life,

Most days I wonder

How, when it has been cut

With a knife.

 

The knife is called death

So final and dark,

It’s taste in my mouth

Has left its scarred mark.

 

The life I once knew

Is broken and split in two

My existence is now measured

in living with and

then without you

 

Time will change ME,

Not make this go away.

I must surrender to knowing,

We will hug again

Someday!

 

I am changed by your death

until I take my last breath.

How long will that be?

Soon,

Is fine by me!

 

Until then,

I must trust the Lord with

My hourly request,

 

Please God,

Give me some rest!

 

Valerie Breslau is a mother of four sons and a grandmother of two.  She is married to her high school sweetheart.  Many years ago as a young woman, she gave her life to the Lord and her strong faith has been the light that guides her path.   As a newly grieving mom, she knows the only way to survive the depth of despair is to lean into God more than ever. Only he can save her from the intense darkness of grief.  She is trusting God for hope and joy as she learns to navigate this painful new normal after the death of her son.

 

It is important to take care of ourselves, and that can be really hard in our place of deep grief. We may even struggle with not wanting to do anything in the way of self-care. At GPS Hope, we understand that, and have done what we can to help, by putting together a list of 30 simple ways you can bring yourself comfort and take care of yourself. To have it sent to you, just submit your name and email. (You will also begin to receive a Weekly Word of Hope, which you can unsubscribe from at any time.)

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

 

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Finding Your Way Through Together

by Michele Paul

We all know that people grieve differently. Yet in saying that, we are often critical of how others grieve. We might often feel like others could not have loved their child as much as we loved ours. We often are more critical to those who even live under our very roof.

That is especially true when we see our husbands grieve. We might be critical when they don’t show emotion. On the other hand, we might want them to be strong and when they break down, we feel afraid.

My husband and I for the first six months after the loss of my daughter were pretty much grieving the same. When days were hard for me, I could be strong for him. When I had those difficult days, he would be there to comfort me.

There came a time when things changed. After about six months my husband seemed like he had found a way to pack his grief into a box and place it tucked safely away. I knew he wasn’t over our loss, but he didn’t need to hold it and feel it twenty-four hours a day.

I on the other hand still carried my grief throughout my day. It was with me from the time I got up and in every activity throughout my day. I would even tuck it into bed with me at night, praying that I would find some rest.

Sometimes I would wonder is he done grieving? I know he loved my daughter as much as I did. I had to remind myself he is grieving different from me. My way is my way, and his way is his way.

Marriage is always a work in progress. There is so much unknown on how we will each react during such a stressful time as the loss of a child. When we are struggling to find our own footing, how can we expect our spouses to find theirs? It is so easy during this time to just shut down and withdraw from each other.

We need to remember our spouse is not the enemy. This is a time to reconnect with one another. What better way to reconnect and show love than doing something your spouse enjoys?

My husband has always been an avid hiker. It is his passion. He has always wished it would be my passion too. After my daughter’s death I started to receive gifts from him that had everything to do with hiking.

I have a beautiful pair of hiking boots, a yellow windbreaker and of course a raincoat that I believe could also be turned into a tent with some tree limbs. I am the proud owner of a bladder pack to carry my own water as we head up the mountain. I have a great hat that keeps the sun off my face and I truly don’t know too many women that own a headlamp for late night hikes. The best gift of all has been the hiking sticks that I have found very valuable going up and down the mountain.

At first, I was not really excited to receive these items. I came to realize that he wanted me to join him in something that he loved to do.  If I ever came out of the bedroom dressed in my full get-up and said, “Are you ready to go climb a mountain?” my husband would think he had died and gone to Heaven.

I have come to appreciate these gifts and the time we spend together. When I spend time doing something he enjoys, I am showing him that he is the most important person in my life, and I love him enough to take an interest in something he enjoys.

I have also found I have learned a lot about my husband and myself in the tranquility of these hikes. It is a time when we can reconnect and spend time just talking and enjoying God’s handiwork. This is where I find he feels safe to open up and share from his heart.

I am not saying this is a cure-all, but it is a way to start.

What better way to express our love to someone than participating in something they enjoy? Who knows, we might find out something new about not only our spouses but also about ourselves. So, step out of your comfort zone and enter into the land of your spouse. Who knows what exciting adventure might be waiting for you?

We also might discover a renewed and interesting couple in the making.

 

Michele Paul lost her daughter over 20 years ago, and loves to not only infuse hope into grieving parents that they can live a full life again, but be an example of learning how to live a life of meaning and purpose that includes our child no longer here with us on earth. You do have full permission to live again, and it is not betraying your child to do so.

Michele is on the board of Umbrella Ministries which supports bereaved moms with the living hope of Jesus Christ through resources, conferences and retreats. To find out more go to: http://umbrellaministries.com. To connect with Michele Paul: mpaulindio@yahoo.com

 

Do you struggle with taking care of yourself after the death of your child? We would like to send you a PDF of Thirty Ways to Bring Ourselves Comfort and Take Care of Ourselves. Please let us know below where to send it. (You will also join over 1000 other parents who receive a Weekly Word of Hope.)

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

 

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Can God Betray Us?

Mary and Martha must have felt so betrayed by God.

They send for Jesus to come quickly when Lazarus was sick, but their brother died because Jesus stayed put for three days before heading to them! (You can find this in John 11.) “If you had come, he wouldn’t have died! Why didn’t you come and heal him???”

They knew Jesus could have healed their brother because they followed him. They watched Jesus do miracles constantly. In fact, according to John 21:25, He did so many miracles they couldn’t all be recorded – meaning there are hundreds of them we don’t even know about!

“It’s our turn! We need a miracle, now!” This time it wasn’t just some stranger reaching out to Jesus. Lazarus, Mary, and Martha were some of his closest friends. He often stopped at their house for a meal or to stay overnight.

But Jesus knew there was something greater to happen through the death of Lazarus than through a miraculous healing.

Yes, I am going there… just hear me out.

My Personal Revelation

One evening while talking to a group of pareavors online, I had the realization that I am doing what I do today because Becca didn’t receive the miraculous healing that she needed for her heart.

In other words, my daughter went through ten years of severe heart issues that included at least a dozen ambulance rides and three med flight helicopter rides the last eighteen months of her life. She survived a pregnancy and labor when the doctors gave her a 50/50 chance of survival because they just didn’t know what her heart was going to do. She lived through three open heart surgeries. (One was to put in a pump to run the left side of her heart, and another was to take it out after a bizarre incident that made the pump start shorting in and out, shocking her heart over and over.) She had a stroke that caused permanent damage, was brought back to life after 17 minutes from SCD (Sudden Cardiac Death), and survived being in the Trauma Life Center when all of her organs shut down from sepsis (blood poisoning).

This girl was a walking miracle, that started when she was only three years old, getting bone cancer, having her little left leg amputated, and going through nine months of chemo. She was the only survivor of the children who were in her hospital getting treatments at the same time. (The chemo is what caused the heart damage that plagued her those last ten years.)

And then on the evening of October 12,2011 her heart just randomly gave out and she died! As strange as it may sound, I was blindsided. So many people prayed and fasted for her, some of them since she was three. I really believed God was either going to miraculously heal her heart, or she was going to be able to get the needed heart transplant.

I don’t have to tell you how devastated I was and the darkness it put me in when she died. I held on to God with everything I had, like Jacob wrestling with the angel, telling Him I wasn’t going to let go until He miraculously turned it around for me to see some kind of a blessing on the other side of this. That seemed like a crazy thing to fight for, because how is it even remotely possible to have a blessing in my life as a result of something so horrific as my daughter’s death?????

But here I am.  It’s hard to explain how fulfilled and blessed I feel, to be a light to thousands of grieving parents who find themselves in the same darkness I was once in, through the ministry of GPS Hope. Does it make me glad Becca died so I can be doing this? ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I would trade it all instantly to have her back with me here on earth, but I can’t.

God didn’t betray you.

This might be impossible to believe right now, but He has something for you that goes beyond the death of your child. Just like Lazarus, Jesus knows something greater can happen through the death of your precious child, than through a miraculous healing or His hand of protection that we so desperately wanted for them. (And no, God didn’t kill your child to teach you a lesson! He just knows that the eternal fruit of their departure can outweigh the eternal fruit of them staying here.)

I know what you’re probably thinking. Maybe God did that for you, Laura, but I don’t see that happening for me! It’s okay if you can’t see it for yourself right now. I (and other parents who have been right where you are) will be your eyes to see it and your hope to believe it, until you have your own hope and your own eyes to see.

When my husband, Dave, and I were dating, God kept telling him to “wait” to propose. Dave did a study on the word wait and found out one meaning is “a carved work.”

In our darkness, we are waiting a long time because God is doing a carved work. He will even let us believe He has betrayed us and be angry with Him as He is at work in our darkness. He continues though, knowing that someday we will understand. And that “someday” may not be until we are reunited with our children.

Dare to tell God that you are going to wrestle with Him until you see something good in your life because of the earthly departure of your child. Fight for it. And realize sometimes that fighting is learning how to rest in Him while He is at work preparing your personal miracle, which is something only He can do in such a place of darkness and pain.

 

 

Are you struggling with you faith or your relationship with God after the death of your child? Many grieving parents do.

We would like to send you a video session, “Has Your Faith Been Shattered?” from our 2017 online conference. Just fill in your name and email address below, and hit the submit button. (You will also join over a thousand other parents receiving a Weekly Word of Hope, which you can unsubscribe from at any time.)

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

 

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Four Things We Can Learn from the Mother of Jesus About Child Loss (Part 2)

This is the time of year we think about and celebrate the birth of Christ. But have you thought about the fact that we can relate to Mary through the eyes of a bereaved parent? I recently spent some time studying this out and discovered quite a bit about Mary that I had not realized or thought about, until I had a child who died.

The first two things are in the previous blog you can read here. In this article, we are going to look at the last two things.

Third observation

One of the biggest things to notice is that Mary completely surrendered to the Lord’s plans for her life, not knowing what that meant and how painful her future would be. In Luke 1:18 we find her telling the angel, Gabriel, “Behold the handmaiden of the Lord, (I am the Lord’s servant) be it unto me according to your word.”

As we already noted, I am sure Mary had no idea that her son would die a very brutal death at the age of 33, and she would be there to watch it.

I used to think, “At least Jesus rose from the dead and came back to life here on this earth. I don’t have that with Becca!” But as I was studying this out, I realized Mary still lost him permanently from this earth, because He was only here for 40 days and then He went to heaven.

The permanent earthly loss of her son here on earth was confirmed at the foot of the cross when Jesus looked down and gave his mom to the apostle John to take care of (John 19:26-27). This is also confirmation that his brothers still didn’t believe who Jesus was because the next son in line should have been the one to take care of the mother.

We may not be able to relate to Mary’s exact, unique grief, but she was a mom whose child died and left this earth for her remaining time here, which is something we can all relate to.

 

Fourth Observation

Mary watched her son die. Nothing could prevent this mother from standing by her son to the very end, no matter how brutal it was. I can’t help but think that some of you have had the same experience of being with your child until he or she took their last breath. You know what that is like to be with them.

I didn’t have that experience. My daughter, Becca, was in the hospital, with plans of being dismissed the next morning. The night of October 12, 2011 her heart was crashing, and she was fighting everyone, trying to get out of bed, yelling at them to leave her alone. Her husband told her to lie down and let them do what they needed to do and was kicked out of the hospital room. She died surrounded by a bunch of medical staff trying to save her.

I wish I had been with her, sort of… I think it has to be one of those bittersweet things. Those of us who weren’t with our child don’t have that as another image we have to get out of our heads. On the other hand, we have to fight the guilt that we weren’t there with them, feeling like he or she died alone.

Did Mary have thoughts of “If only I had…” or “I should have….”?

Did she think about the last time Jesus gave her a hug? The last time they had a meal together? The last time she heard Him laugh? The last time she was able to say, “I love you?” I can’t help but think that she did, because that is what the rest of us do.

The last mention of Mary is in the upper room with the other believers (Acts 1:14). Jesus had risen from the grave, but He had also left this earth permanently. What was that like? There must have been some intense grieving, knowing she had just gotten Him back and now He was gone, never to be here on earth with her again.

Knowing that Mary stayed with the group and was in the upper room when the Holy Spirit showed up in a big way, is an example to us that life can be worth living again. Mary knew she would see her son again. She figured out how to keep living, even within the grief.

Our children are alive also! They may not have come back for a few days after they died and then risen up in the clouds in their bodies, but he or she is alive and with Jesus! Thank you, Father that part of Your will for our lives is to reunite us with our children, never to be separated again.

I want to wrap this up by looking at a scripture that talks about Jesus’ mother in Luke 11:27-28. As Jesus was saying these things, a woman in the crowd called out, “Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you.” Jesus replied, “Even more blessed are those who hear God’s voice and make God’s message their way of life”. (VOICE)

If we take this scripture to heart, what is God’s voice to us as bereaved parents? I believe it is that we have that exact same hope as Mary. We will see our children again, and we can fight our way out of the grief. I want to encourage you not to choose to remain stuck in the event of your child’s death, but learn how to live in a way that honors the life of your child, just like Mary did.

And just like the Holy Spirit showed up in that upper room for those who were waiting for Him, I believe the Holy Spirit will show up for you. He will comfort you, and not only comfort you, but give you the strength to live out your life here with meaning and purpose, until it is time to join your child, and Mary and Jesus in heaven.

Until then, you might be interested in listening to the podcast series People in the Bible Who Lost a Child. Just click on each individual episode below to read the description and listen to it directly on the GPS Hope website. (You can also find each one on your favorite podcast app. Just look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast.)

49: The First Death in the Bible was a Son Who Was Murdered (Adam and Eve)
50: The Rainbow Baby in the Bible (King David lost an infant son before Solomon was born)
51: Three Things we Can Learn from Jesus’ Mother After the Death of Our Child
53: Trying to Find God in the Midst of Our Deepest Pain (A look at Job)
54: Why Did God Allow Me to Suffer Like This? (Job’s suffering after the death of all ten of his children)
55: From Fullness to Bitterness to Fullness Again (Naomi)
56: Reunited with Our Children (Jacob and Jairus)
57: Our Grief is the Same, Yet Different (two groups in the Bible who had children mass murdered)

 

Note: On each podcast, I announce the name, birthday and forever age of our children who are no longer here with us, the week of his or her birthday. If you would like to share your child with our listeners, just click here to fill out and submit the form with the needed information.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

 

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

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Four Things We Can Learn from the Mother of Jesus About Child Loss

This is the time of year we think about and celebrate the birth of Christ. But have you thought about the fact that we can relate to Mary through the eyes of a bereaved parent? I recently spent some time studying this out and discovered quite a bit about Mary that I had not realized or thought about, until I had a child who died.

First Observation

Mary did not have an easy life, and it was all because God gave her Jesus as her son! It started as soon as she conceived Jesus through the Holy Spirit.

  • Mary found herself as a young pregnant woman with no husband, which left her at the mercy of being stoned to death.
  • When she was “heavy with child” (fully pregnant), she was forced by law to travel from Nazareth to Bethlehem which was around an 80-90-mile journey of hills. (And transportation at that time sure wasn’t what it is today!)
  • The city was so crowded, there weren’t any hotel rooms available. Someone out of kindness offered his barn out back. This is where she gave birth to her very first child. I think I may have been close to being terrified if it were me. (Was Joseph able to find a midwife quick enough in a town he knew nothing about so at least one person knew what to do?)
  • If this is where Joseph had to go for the census, it means all of his family had to go there also. Where were they in all of this? Where did they stay? Why didn’t his family make sure he and Mary were taken care of? Could it be that they were ostracized because of her becoming pregnant out of wedlock, and instead of Joseph having her stoned, he married her anyway, to raise this illegitimate child as his own?
  • It seems that the first visitors were smelly shepherds… not her mom, a sibling, or someone we think as the normal first visitors, especially when it is the first child.
  • It seems her husband, Joseph, died at some point before Jesus’s ministry, since he is not included in any scriptures beyond when Jesus was 12. (The next time we see Jesus with his family, it was with his mother and brothers at a wedding.)
  • Based on Matthew 13:55 and Mark 6:3, Jesus had at least 6 siblings. Imagine being a widow with 7 children!
  • And beyond that, John 7:1-10 tells us that His brothers were not believers in who He At one point, they even went to go drag Jesus away from where He was because they thought He had literally lost His mind (Mark 3:20-21).That must have been SO hard for Mary, because that means her own children didn’t believe her story about the angel coming to her and being a virgin when Jesus was conceived in her by the Holy Spirit.

Thirty-three years after He was born, with such a hard life because of her first-born son, Mary is standing at an execution stake, watching that son being torturously executed for a crime he didn’t commit. (We need to remind ourselves here that she had no idea that Jesus was going to rise from the dead three days later. When He tried to tell his followers this, no one got it.)

Have you had a hard life? Maybe, like Mary, much of it was because of your child who died. The thing that resonates with me is that God gave Jesus to Mary, knowing the heartache she would have, both with His life and with His death.

We each have an appointed time to die; our days on earth are numbered. God knew those days when he placed your child in your womb, but He chose you to nurture that child and be his or her parent for those number of days. He also knew any sorrow and heartache your child would give you while he or she was alive.

Would you rather He chose someone else, and left you never knowing that precious son or daughter? I don’t think Mary would have thought that, and I don’t think you do, either.

You just might want to take a minute to thank God for giving you the gift of your child’s life, even though it meant going through the pain you have had to endure.

Second Observation

Twice in the Bible, we are told Mary pondered something in her heart about Jesus; she thought deeply about it, treasured it and wondered about it. The first (Luke 2:19), was when the shepherds came to worship her Son who had just been born in a smelly barn, was wrapped in strips of cloth and was using an animal feeding trough as His crib.

The second time (Luke 2:52) was when Jesus was twelve and was accidently left in Jerusalem and they didn’t realize it until they were already a day’s journey toward home.  That meant it took another day to get back to Jerusalem and it took them three days to find Him! I can’t even imagine the sheer panic she must have felt, not knowing for five days where her son was! (Unfortunately, some of you reading this may be able to relate to this.)

There is something really important between those two events we need to look at. When Joseph and Mary went to the temple to have Jesus dedicated to the Lord according to Jewish law with the first-born son, a prophet named Simeon told Mary a sword would pierce her heart. It doesn’t say Mary pondered that, but I am sure she must have!

It took over thirty years, but when her Son died, Mary felt the pain Simeon told her she would have – the piercing sword of grief that we all know too well.

After His death, do you think Mary spent time pulling up the memories of Jesus that we were told she pondered and treasured in her heart?

Memories are all that we now have of our children. We may not have some of the crazy memories that Mary did, but we have ones that are just as precious. At first, those memories can be so very painful! But I want to encourage you that it won’t always be that way. It takes a while, but at some point, those memories will warm your heart and make you smile. Thinking about your child won’t be as painful as it is now. Allow that to be a hope that rises up in you.

We will look at the other two things in the next blog.

Until then, you might be interested in listening to the podcast series People in the Bible Who Lost a Child. Just click on each individual episode below to read the description and listen to it directly on the GPS Hope website. (You can also find each one on your favorite podcast app. Just look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast.)

49: The First Death in the Bible was a Son Who Was Murdered (Adam and Eve)
50: The Rainbow Baby in the Bible (King David lost an infant son before Solomon was born)
51: Three Things we Can Learn from Jesus’ Mother After the Death of Our Child
53: Trying to Find God in the Midst of Our Deepest Pain (A look at Job)
54: Why Did God Allow Me to Suffer Like This? (Job’s suffering after the death of all ten of his children)
55: From Fullness to Bitterness to Fullness Again (Naomi)
56: Reunited with Our Children (Jacob and Jairus)
57: Our Grief is the Same, Yet Different (two groups in the Bible who had children mass murdered)

 

Note: On each podcast, I announce the name, birthday and forever age of our children who are no longer here with us, the week of his or her birthday. If you would like to share your child with our listeners, just click here to fill out and submit the form with the needed information.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

 

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

 

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