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Taking Back Your Health after Child Loss

When we are in a place of emotional stress after the death of our child, it is all we can do to handle life day-to-day (or even minute-by-minute). We are in survival mode, and it is very common during that time to stop taking care of our bodies.

Unfortunately, that is one of the worst things we can do, because some of our emotions are tied up in our physical health. Think about it. When we are getting enough sleep, eating healthy food that is fuel for our bodies and moving around (even if it is just getting outside for a short walk), it can lift our spirits a bit, causing us to feel stronger emotionally.

I know at first, when the tragedy takes us to our knees, we don’t have much of a choice. Our body just kind of seems to take over as a response to the intense grief. Some of us find ourselves eating unhealthy “comfort foods” constantly. Others discover they don’t eat anything at all for a few days. Some of us can’t seem to stay awake and all we can do is sleep. Others want desperately to sleep, but even with sleep aids it still seems to elude them.

Me? I slept a lot and continually grabbed the comfort foods, which added another unwanted thirty pounds on my body. I struggled for ten years, trying to get my health back under control.

We all get to a point where the fog starts to lift, and we are left with the reality of the depth of our pain and horrific loss. Many of us continue in the pattern we found ourselves in, convincing ourselves we are helpless to stop.

I want to encourage you that is not true. What is usually happening, is that we see ourselves as a victim of the circumstance and let that become our identity. (My identity became, “I am the mother of a child who died.”) If we continue to believe that is our identity, we will continue to believe things won’t change, and we will continue to struggle, both emotionally and physically.

At some point, we will come to a place where we start making the choice. “Do I want to stay a victim and let that become my identity? Or do I want to figure out how to climb out of this pit of darkness and back into a place of hope and light and life?”

Is it time for you to make that choice of climbing out of the grief pit, taking a look at some of your unhealthy habits that can make it even more difficult to find your way out? Even if you are not at that place yet and are still in those early times where the grief consumes you, it is possible to start making your way out with teeny tiny baby steps, by taking back your health.

Take a minute and think: What is one small thing you can do, that you have let go? I’m not talking about making a commitment to doing this thing every day from now on. What can you do today, and maybe tomorrow? Then tomorrow ask yourself the same question.

If you miss a few days, don’t feel guilty. When you are ready again, just do one small thing toward taking back your health. Just keep working toward it, because it is worth the effort, no matter how small, as it begins to build!

As I shared, it took me over ten years to get serious about wanting to get healthy after my daughter, Becca, died. I have been able to lose over forty pounds (not quite down to my high school weight) and keep it off for several months now. But it has been more than just weight loss. There have been so many “non-scale” victories, as I am still learning how to live a healthy lifestyle that goes beyond just the food I put (or don’t put) in my mouth.

I knew what to do; I just wasn’t doing it, which is true for most of us. Surrounding yourself with those who are on the same journey, having others who are ahead of you cheering you on, learning how to change your mind set about things like food and healthy movement (notice I did not say working out) and having an easy way to fuel your body, could make all the difference for you, just like it did for me.

For several years, GPS Hope has had support and resources available to help with the spiritual, emotional and mental well-being after the death of our child. It has bothered me that we had nothing to offer for our physical well-being though, as I personally continued to have my own struggles in this area. Until now!

Because I am so convinced at how crucial it is that GPS Hope also has a way to provide support and resources for pareavors to get their health back, I have committed myself to being a health coach for pareavors who want extra help in this area.

Weight loss is difficult, but it is only one part of a true health journey. I would be happy to do a health assessment with you, to help you see where changes can be made on your health journey as a pareavor. We can also figure out if I would be a good fit as a health coach for you, and what that entails.

I have been able to go from destructive unhealthy habits in my grief that had me dragging, to a place of flourishing energy and good health, and have helped other pareavors do the same. Are you ready to make that same change of paths?

Click here to schedule a thirty minute one-on-one health assessment.

To hear more on this topic, listen to the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast, episode 179: Health and Self-Care After Child Loss.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

 

 

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Events that Trigger Our Grief after Child Loss

This past week was our oldest son’s birthday.

What I don’t share very often is that our three-year-old daughter, Becca, was diagnosed with cancer on my due date with this baby. I went ten days overdue, with my water breaking around 3AM while sleeping in a chair next to Becca, who was going to be coming home from the hospital that morning after her first round of chemo. (She had not been home for two weeks since the testing and her diagnosis.)

The labor was only about forty-five minutes from the time my water broke, and the delivery was very rough. It was discovered the baby was coming feet first, but he came so fast there was no chance to do a C-section. They almost lost both of us because he was so large (8 pounds 10 ounces), and the cord was being pinched as he got stuck coming out.

My doctor did some heavy duty yanking and pulling to save us both. I was in so much pain during those life-and-death moments and so weak and sick afterwards, since there was no time for an epidural or pain meds. We did not realize how close we came to death until a nurse talked to us about it the following day.

For the next nine months, I hardly ever saw my newborn son, since much of my time was spent an hour away, staying with our little girl at the hospital while getting her chemo. Her amputation made her stays there even more of a challenge.

It was years later when we found out that the long-term effects of one of the drugs Becca had been given was heart damage, which is what eventually caused her death.

All of that to say, it is next to impossible to think of the day our son was born without thinking of Becca and what we were going through with her during that time, which ultimately caused her death, twenty-six years later.

So, what do we do when our child’s death date falls during a time when we should be celebrating something important? Or a celebration is a trigger to our deep loss?

I make time to acknowledge the pain of the “bitter” however I need to. Each time it might look different, but it almost always comes with tears at some point. (My eyes are filling with tears right now as a matter of fact as I type this.) After allowing myself this time, I then do my best to lean into the “sweet” instead of the bitter. I put my attention and focus on whatever good thing is in front of me.

I need these event reminders that even though there will be bitter times for the rest of my time here on earth, my life isn’t only bitterness. There is still sweetness and there are still good things to live for and enjoy.

I have found that the more often I choose to put as much focus as I am able on the sweet, the bitter becomes more tolerable and happens less often. That does not mean it is easy, but with determination, it can be done. I have also discovered that it eventually gets easier to choose the sweet most of the time, but I admit that I still have my moments of leaning into the bitter, and sometimes I still just need to have a good hard cry!

Yes, there may remain an undercurrent of sadness, but I refuse to let things like my son’s birthday be overshadowed by something in our past that cannot be changed, no matter how painful a reminder it may be.

He needs to be celebrated and loved on. Not only does he need it, but I need it as well!

Bittersweet… that is us for the rest of our lives. Which one are you going to choose to focus on, as often as possible? I hope you join me and choose the sweet. The bitter happens enough on its own. Let’s do our best to ask God for the desire and the strength to lean into the “sweet” during those times.  Are you with me?

 

Let the sunrise of your love end our dark night. Break through our
clouded dawn again! Only you can satisfy our hearts, filling us with songs of
joy to the end of our days. We’ve been overwhelmed with grief; come now and
overwhelm us with gladness. Replace our years of trouble with decades of delight.
Psalm 90:14-15 (TPT)

 

This was taken from Laura’s newest book of daily readings for bereaved parents, which will be available in December. If you would like to receive weekly emails of encouragement (which will also let you know the progress of this book and to know when it comes out), let us know below.

FYI, we do not spam our GPS Hope family, and you can easily unsubscribe when you no longer want to receive the Weekly Word of Hope.

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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From Bereaved Parents: We Will Remember

 

We see a flag at half mast, and we remember.

We hear TAPS being played, and we remember.

We donate to a war veteran with red poppies, and we remember.

We observe red, white and blue flags lining the street poles and filling sections of a cemetery, and we remember.

We not only remember, but we honor those who were willing to give their lives in service to our country.

We not only remember and honor them, but we remember the families who have carried that sacrifice and had to live with their child, their father, mother, uncle, cousin, best friend gone from their lives.

We not only remember, but we cry with them, especially those of us who have buried a child, because we know the suffocating darkness of love being torn from us.

So, we not only remember, we grieve with you.

We will not let you be alone in remembering those who died for us on this Memorial Day.

 

Losing a child can make us feel very alone. People around us just don’t understand why we are taking so long to “get over it.”

Here at Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) we understand, because we have been there, and would like to connect with you to walk this unwanted journey together. If you would like to receive a list of Thirty Ways to Help Take Care of and Bring Yourself Comfort, please submit your name and email address below.

It will also put you on our email list to receive a couple of introductory emails to the resources GPS Hope has available, and a Weekly Word of Hope. You can easily unsubscribe when you no longer want to receive them.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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I Choose (by Carol Krawiec)

 

The following was written on April 28, 2014, two years to the day after losing our oldest son Daniel.  It was the week after Easter. Our pastor had preached a message about what it was like for the disciples to live in the “Saturday” of that resurrection weekend.  He compared the pain and confusion of that day following the death of Jesus to the world we live in today. He spoke of the joy of the resurrection on “Sunday’ and the secure hope that we as believers in Jesus Christ can cling to in the midst of trials.

That morning was a turning point for me in my journey of grief.  I had walked through the first year numb and in a fog.  The second year was so painful because as the fog began to subside, I felt the intense loss.  Over the past ten years my grief has come in waves.  As the waves recede, I am filled with a sense of God’s presence and a peace in knowing that Dan was at rest, and all is well with my soul.

In May of 2019 and June of 2021, we also lost Timothy and Benjamin, the two youngest of our five sons. It has taken many years of leaning into my grief to move along in my journey. It is far from over as I find myself in that place of raw grief once again. There are times when the enormity of my loss overwhelms me. I don’t pretend to understand it all, but I trust God and I know He will continue to faithfully carry me.

 

I CHOOSE
Life was forever changed two years ago, early on a Saturday morning.
As I sit on the floor of this room that was once occupied by our son
I choose not to allow the memory of the horrific discovery be my only thought.
I choose to picture this room as the place of a Holy visitation.
I choose to picture bright light breaking through the darkness of a raging battle.
I choose to visualize the broken chains that bound him to addiction lying on the floor.
I choose to be proud of the countless battles that our son won throughout his journey.
I choose to believe that although the enemy won the battle that day, God was victorious.
I choose to let the cleansing tears of a broken heart flow because I know that Jesus wept.
I choose to lift my hands in worship to my God and thank Him for the gift of 32 years.
I choose to believe that although this world is far from good, my God is Good.
I choose peace over anxiety; acceptance rather than anger; hope over despair.
I choose to believe that the pain I feel today is a reminder that this is not my Home.
I choose to rest secure in knowing that my child is forever with the Lord.
Because:
“No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.”
I choose to believe that even though I am living in the pain of “Saturday,”
“Sunday” is coming and it will all make sense when I see Him Face-to-face.

 

Carol’s three sons

 

Many of us feel guilty after the death of our child, thinking we should have done more, or made a different decision, or been there for them in a different way than we were, etc. Click here to read Help! I Feel so Guilty… written by a mom whose daughter died by suicide.

If you struggle with guilt, we would like to send you Ten Tips to Overcome Guilt. Just click here and fill in your name and email address and hit submit.

We promise we will not spam you. However, you will be added to our growing family of thousands of bereaved parents who receive a Weekly Word of Hope email each Wednesday morning. (Just use the unsubscribe button at the bottom of each email if you no longer wish to receive it.)

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

 

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One Day (by Vickie Hickox)

One day I’ll wake up in the morning
And I will not miss your presence.
One day I’ll wake up in the morning
And I will not cry for you anymore.

One day I’ll wake up in the morning
And I will not miss your smile,
The sound of your voice
And your laughter.

One day I’ll wake up in the morning
And will not ask “Why?” anymore.
One day I’ll wake up in the morning
And will not have the longing to
Hug you and tell you I love you.

Because one day when I wake up
In the morning I will see your
Beautiful face again.
I will hear your voice,
I will hear your laughter
And see your smile again.

I will put my arms around you
And never let you go again.
I will tell you I love you
And how much I have missed you.

But until that day, I will live
This life without you.
I will find ways to honor your life and
Keep your memory alive.
I will cherish the memories of you
And hold them in my heart.

Until one day when I will wake up
To your beautiful face and we
Will spend eternity together
And my broken heart
Will once again be whole.

One day…

 

Vickie Hickox lost her son, Dominic, from this earth on June 22, 2019 from brain cancer, which sent her on a journey to rediscover who God is in the midst of such a horrible tragedy. She lives in Georgia, where she has been a correctional officer in a county jail for ten years. Whenever she can get away from her job, she enjoys spending time with her other children and grandchildren in Florida, and time on a beach somewhere.

 

We all need hope, or we cannot go on without our child here with us. If you would like to be sent a PDF of 36 scriptures of hope, to help in this area, just fill out the form below to let us know where to send it. (You will also be placed on our Weekly Word of Hope email list, which you can unsubscribe from at any time.)

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

 

 

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