When you are walking through life after losing a child, it can feel impossible to imagine ever breathing freely again, let alone rebuilding faith or finding hope. In my conversation with pareavor, Tracy Brinkmann, he shared openly about the darkest season of his life, the loss of his 18-month-old daughter, Krysta, and the long, winding journey that followed. His story reveals that even in the deepest heartbreak, healing and a rediscovery of God are possible.
Krysta’s Story: Love, Fragility, and an Unthinkable Goodbye
Tracy’s daughter, Krysta, entered the world early and fighting for her life. Born with a severely underdeveloped intestinal tract, she went through six major surgeries in the first three months of her life. Doctors worked tirelessly, using every medical option available at the time, including total parenteral nutrition and multiple procedures to give her a chance at survival.
Despite living in constant discomfort, Krysta radiated joy. Tracy described how her bright blue-eyed smile could fill a room, even though her tiny body endured so much. That joy became a gift that he still treasures.
But after months of complications, including a devastating injury during a hospital mishap of being dropped, Krysta’s health collapsed. Faced with the agonizing choice between leaving her on machines or letting her go, Tracy made the unthinkable decision. He wrapped her in a blanket crocheted by her grandmother and rocked her in his arms as she slipped from this world into the next.
That final moment became both a curse and a blessing; pain beyond words, yet a sacred honor to be with her as she passed.
When the Darkness Settles In
Even though Krysta died in the mid-1990s, Tracy’s grief was still close enough to bring tears as he shared. He emphasized something so many of us experience in life after losing a child: grief does not disappear. It changes, it softens, but it never fully leaves.
In the early days, Tracy did what many grieving parents do. He pushed the emotions down so he could manage the responsibilities in front of him. But buried grief only grows heavier. One night, a scene in a movie shattered the wall he had so carefully built. He collapsed under the weight of a year and a half of unspoken pain. He learned the hard way what so many grieving parents understand: grief must find a way out, no matter how tightly we try to contain it.
The Anger We Don’t Want to Admit and Why It Matters
Anger, Tracy said, was one of the defining emotions of his early grief. Anger at the hospital. Anger at the circumstances. Anger even at God. And that anger reached a peak after a pastor told him Krysta would not go to heaven; a statement that wounded him deeply.
But Tracy eventually learned that anger isn’t a failure. It’s human. And it can even be an important part of healing.
Anger becomes destructive when it festers, when we stuff it down or let it spill onto the people we love. He spoke openly about the importance of finding safe places to release anger, whether in a journal, in prayer, in nature, or with someone trustworthy who can hold space for the pain.
Tracy and I both feel it is important to recognize that holding anger doesn’t bring our child back. It only keeps peace, comfort and hope at arm’s length.
Faith After Child Loss: Discovering God All Over Again
Many parents feel their faith collapse after losing a child. Tracy was no exception. His understanding of God shifted dramatically, not only because of his grief but because of the painful and judgmental encounter he had at that church.
But slowly, quietly, something changed.
He began speaking to Krysta first, sharing memories, fears and updates. And eventually those conversations led him back to God. He began approaching God “father to Father,” entrusting Krysta into His care with an intimacy he had never known before.
It wasn’t a return to religion.
It was the beginning of a relationship.
And for many parents, that becomes one of the surprising markers of life after losing a child. Faith becomes more personal, less structured, and somehow more real.
Choosing Healing and Meaning, Even When It Seems Impossible
After Krysta died, Tracy feared he might slip back into his old addictions. Instead, he made a conscious choice that he would honor his daughter by living differently. He threw himself into personal development, eventually becoming a coach and mentor. He discovered that helping others became a bridge back to his own healing.
This is a truth that many of us see in our own journeys of life after losing a child. Small acts of kindness, connection, or service can create space for meaning and purpose to slowly return.
Helping others does not erase our pain.
But it can gently lead us toward a life worth living again.
When Grief and Joy Begin to Coexist
Do the tears ever stop? No.
Do the waves become quieter? Yes.
Tracy shared how memories that once crushed him eventually became memories that warmed him. He began seeing them through Krysta’s eyes – the joy she felt when he took her outside or played with her. This reframing transformed the sting of memories into something gentler.
Over time, grief and joy learned to share space. And in many ways, this is the heart of life after losing a child. It is not the absence of pain, but the presence of love that remains.
What Tracy Wants Every Grieving Parent to Know
At the end of our conversation, I asked Tracy what he would say to a pareavor who feels they will never reach a place of hope. His words were simple and true:
- It will always hurt, but the pain changes.
- Give yourself permission to feel your grief.
- Look for the small things that still bring joy.
- Share your child’s story because it keeps their life shining.
- Hold on. Healing does come, little by little.
And maybe most importantly:
You are not expected to “get over” this.
You are learning how to carry it.
That is courage.
That is love.
That is hope.
You Are Not Alone
If you are in those early days of darkness, I want you to know there is a way forward, not in spite of your child’s death, but because of their life. You can live a life of meaning and purpose again.
And I would love to hear from you:
What is one small thing you’ve done to brighten someone else’s day that also brightened your own? You can let me know below. You do not walk this road alone. Let’s keep going forward together.
NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 324. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.
Connect with Tracy Brinkmann: Website | Podcast
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AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.
In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.
For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.
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