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Their Birthday is So Hard!

Forever 29. Every bereaved parent reading this knows exactly what that means.

April 13th is my daughter, Becca’s, birthday. She would have turned 41 this week. She died at age 29, so knowing she would be in her 40’s now makes it seem like she has been gone for much longer than eleven years. Wow! How is that even possible? I have a hard time wrapping my head around it or imagining Becca that old.

I should have already called her to make plans. “What are you doing for your birthday? Do you want me to make something, and you and your family come over here for supper?” I should have already gone shopping for the ingredients of her favorite cake – chocolate filled angel food.

It doesn’t help that the further away we get from our child being gone, it seems the fewer people want to continue celebrating with us, which really hurts. Far too many people question why we still want to find a way to acknowledge our child’s birthday when they are no longer here with us. The reason is pretty simple. It is because we gave birth to a human being which is a big deal! (Or we adopted a child who became like our own flesh and blood, and their birthday is the day they came into the world as our special chosen gift.) Just because he or she is no longer on this earth does not erase that fact, or our memory of it, nor does it take away our instantly fierce and intense love for the little bundle of joy that came into our lives that day.

The day our children entered the world was a special gift from God, and it should be celebrated, even if no one wants to join in. You may want to do the same thing every year, such as bake their favorite cake. If no one wants to share it with you, take it to a homeless shelter and let them know it is in honor of your child’s birthday. (The people there know what it is like to be going through a rough time. They will appreciate your thoughtfulness and probably want to hear you share about your son or daughter.)

You may want to do something different each year, depending on the circumstances. Right now, that is easy for me, since we live in the Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home), which means we are literally in a different place each year. One year I got my guitar out and wrote a song, honoring the day our children came into this world and into our lives. (It is called I Remember Well, which has since been recorded. You can find it on most listening apps such as Spotify, Pandora, iHeart radio, etc. or click here to listen.)

This year, we will have the blessing of spending it with Becca’s twenty-year-old daughter who now lives in Tennessee. I am making Becca’s favorite chocolate-filled angel food cake and we will remember and celebrate Becca together, which I am looking forward to, in a very bittersweet way for sure.

Happy Birthday, Becca! I celebrate the day you entered this world, with all the emotions that now come with it, but most of all with the same deep love I had, and will always have, for you.

How do you feel about your child’s birthday? Some of you may not want to celebrate his or her birthday because it is just too painful to not have them here. I understand that, but I want to gently remind you that your child’s life is still worth celebrating. Please ask the Holy Spirit to help you still see the blessing of this very special day when it comes.

It doesn’t mean you won’t cry, or not feel your heart breaking. It just means you are acknowledging the gift given to you, and showing how thankful you are that you got to be your child’s mom or dad, no matter how short that time was.

And you don’t have to wait for his or her birthday. You can take time right now to celebrate in your heart and thank God for the gift of the day your child came into this world.

As a final note: I love to help pareavors celebrate their children’s birthdays and do so by announcing your children on my Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast the week of his or her birthday. If you would like me to share your child who is no longer here with our thousands of listeners, click here and submit the needed information.

Since this is the birthday week of Laura’s daughter, Becca, Their Birthday is So Hard! is also this week’s topic on the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast.

Along with talking about how difficult their birthdays can be, Laura shares some encouragement in this area, as well as various ideas on how to celebrate our child’s birthday, even while deeply missing them. You will also get to hear Laura sing the entire song that she wrote, “I Remember Well” which plays in the background of each week’s birthday segment. Listen to it here, or find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

Today’s blog was taken from Laura’s book being released later this month called Reflections of Hope: Daily Reflections for Bereaved Parents. If you would like to know more, click here.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Sexual Intimacy After Child Loss

This is a topic that no one seems to talk about after the trauma of the death of one’s child, and yet for those of us who are married, it is another area that is greatly affected. How do I know? Because I have received several emails over the past few years asking me what I have to offer for help in this area.

Sadly, I have not had anything, until now. I recently had guest, Linda Dillow, back on the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast.  This may sound strange, but Linda is highly qualified on the topic of God’s view of sexual intimacy. After studying it out for herself, God led her to write a book, which led to more books and doing over eighty conferences on this topic.

A couple of years ago, her daughter passed away, which now also (unfortunately) qualifies her to talk about this topic within the deep grief of losing a child. Knowing this, I asked her to come on and talk to us about sexual intimacy after child loss.

Linda shared there are six reasons why God gives us the gift of sexual intimacy.

  1. To create life
  2. A defense against temptation
  3. Intimate (yada) oneness
  4. For knowledge (knowing and loving each other in our vulnerability)
  5. For pleasure (Yes, God gave us body parts for the purpose of pleasure.)

The sixth one is for the purpose of comfort. We see this specifically when David and Bathsheba lost their infant son. The Bible tells us that David went in to comfort Bathsheba his wife. He lay down with her and they had sexual relations (2 Samuel 12:24).

Have you heard of En Gedi? It is an oasis in the scorching desert over in Israel. It is a place surrounded by beautiful palm trees, with caves and fresh springs that turn into waterfalls landing in refreshing pools of water. David hid there when King Saul was trying to hunt him down to kill him so he couldn’t become the new king (1 Samuel 23 and 24).

It is also mentioned in the Song of Solomon, which is an intimate peek into the lives of a pair of married lovers. In chapter one, verse fourteen, the woman is speaking about her husband, saying, “My beloved is like a cluster of henna flowers in the desert gardens of En Gedi.”

Most couples struggle greatly with their sex life after the death of their child, even to the point of wanting nothing to do with sex for multiple reasons (especially us moms), but that is because we fail to realize or understand God’s purposes for this special act of intimacy.

Isn’t it amazing to know that one reason God gave us the gift of sexual intimacy is so we can comfort each other? It is like having our own personal En Gedi in our scorching and dry wilderness of grief!

This is just a very sparse writing, taken from my talk with Linda on this subject. There is so much more to this topic that it is split into two very full podcast episodes. If you would like to hear our full discussion, or find out more about Linda Dollow, click the links below.

Episode 201: God’s Gift of Sexual Intimacy

Episode 202: Sexual Intimacy after Child Loss

If you would like to know about a literal get-away for you and your spouse, join us for one of our GPS Hope & Healing retreats (click here for info), or join us on a cruise (find out more here).

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Six Pitfalls of Grief

In today’s blog, I want to share something that is based on what a pareavor, Libby Farrell, wrote about the pitfalls of grief.

We will face pitfalls on this unwanted grief journey after the death of our child. The valley of the shadow of grief is real and it is big. There can be many different feelings and emotions while on this unwanted journey.

  1. Fear

Fear can feel overwhelming.

    • We fear for our children who are still here with us.
    • We fear “moving on.”
    • We fear people will forget our child.
    • We fear that there is a timeline for grief, and we are not doing it right.
    • We have a fear of laughing and living life in a way that feels good again.

We can also fear that our child might not be in heaven, but we don’t have all the information to know that. What we DO know is that it is not God’s will that any perish. We can trust that God did everything possible to offer our child the gift of salvation, including that moment they crossed over from this world to the next. Your child probably realized how deeply they are loved by Him and said yes.

So, we can choose to live in fear that our child might not be in heaven, or we can choose to live in faith, trust and peace, that our child is with Him. I highly recommend choosing faith and peace, because God is right, fear brings torment.

If you struggle with these fears or others, cry out to God. Scream at Him, tell Him your true fears; let it all out. Then ask Him to help you hand over those fears to Him, because God is big enough to carry them for us and wants to exchange that fear for peace.

Fear is such a big thing for us that I did an entire podcast series with individual episodes talking about the different fears. They are episodes 12-18, Click here for episode twelve, and you can go from there to listen to the ones that affect you.

  1. Depression & Anxiety

This is not something to be ashamed of. It is okay to not be okay. It does not mean you aren’t a good enough Christian. It is okay, and does not show weakness, to need and seek professional guidance and help.

If your stomach is having problems, or your knee keeps buckling, or your thyroid isn’t functioning properly, you don’t have a problem with having someone look at it and help you deal with it. The brain is no different. Please get help if you need it, and don’t be ashamed or feel guilty.

  1. Longings and triggers

A longing is a strong, persistent desire or craving, an aching, especially for something distant or unattainable.

We long for our child who has left this earth. We long to hear their laugh, be able to give them a hug, or to hear them say, “I love you.” However, we can be thankful that this is not “unattainable,” but only “distant,” as we will see them again someday in a place where there are no more tears, no more pain, and no more separation.

You will have waves of grief that will take you under. When that happens, allow yourself some alone time to reflect on the happy times spent together. Write down what made you love and appreciate that person and the positive moments spent together. Reflect on the good times. Read them out loud.

You can also read Psalms and Lamentations because so much of it is crying out to God from a place of pain and suffering, which we can relate to.

  1. Regret

We will all have times of regret that can overwhelm us. At some point we have to let them go, or we will forever be brought to our knees from the bullying pain these thoughts bring. What is done is done.

Your child does not have any regrets. Our children are living their best life ever, and they are not dwelling on what we should have done differently.

So next time those regrets get stuck in your head, journal what you think their eternal home is like. Get caught up in imagining what heaven truly looks like. Listen to songs and read books about heaven and thank Him for the new life that He created for our loved one.

When you join your child, those regrets will be totally wiped away forever. Why wait until then? Release yourself from them right now.

  1. Loneliness and Isolation

Be prepared for your friendships to change. Your circle of friends will start to look different. Many of those you thought would be there for you just aren’t, for various reasons.

Just being around other people isn’t what we are longing for, though. It is being around people who care, and who will allow us to be whoever we need to be, at any given moment, in our grieving.

This is why pareavors gravitate to each other. So reach out to grief support groups, reach out to other parents who are walking the same unwanted journey.

You will have times when you will want to Isolate, and that is ok. Sometimes you need this. But it can also make things worse. Put yourself on a two-day rule. No isolating past two days, because then it becomes unhealthy. If you can’t get past it on the 3rd day, you need to reach out to someone who won’t try to fix you but just be with you (like a friend or family member) or someone who can help pull you out of that dangerous place (like a pastor or counselor).

  1. Thinking you cannot go on without your child here with you

You will feel like you can’t go on living another day, but you can. You may feel like you cannot go on for another minute, but you can. You may not like hearing this, but God still has a purpose for your life. Seek God’s heart and pray about what He has for you to do that will help others in some way. You may even find it is doing something in your child’s honor and memory.

When you feel like you can’t live another day, change your surroundings, go for a drive, be in church or with a friend, pastor or therapist who can help walk you through. Go outside and scream to God, pray and truly lay it all out to Him.

God can help you through all these things that can be pitfalls. We cannot get out of them on our own, nor should we try. This is when we need to fall into the arms of God and let Him carry us.

This was taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast, episode 200: Six Pitfalls of Grief. Click here to listen to the audio directly on the GPS Hope website, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

Not only is God with you, there is a community here at Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) that is with you. If you would like to connect with us, the best way to do so is to sign up below and start receiving the Weekly Word of Hope emails, sent out each Wednesday.

Laura’s newest book, Reflections of Hope: Daily Readings for Bereaved Parents will be available in a few weeks. To find out more, click here. You can also sign up to be one of the first ones to know when the book is available, along with a few bonus items you can receive if you order it right away.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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