Our actions are based on our emotions. The way we are acting (or reacting) to the death of our child is based on our emotions. Our emotions run very deep. There is so much pain. There is so much confusion. There is darkness and a feeling of hopelessness. That is normal and natural.
But I believe with everything in me that is not where we have to stay.
My emotions are driven by my thoughts. I can think things like I will never get past this or I will always feel this way. I know some parents even have the thought I don’t want to get past this, which is usually because they equate the pain of grieving their child with remembering their child. They are afraid if they quit hurting so much, they will forget their child.
This is a perfect example of how your beliefs drive your thoughts. If you believe that staying in your pain will keep the memory of your child alive, then you will continue in that emotional state of despair. You will not be able to live a life of peace, hope, and fullness (which includes living a life of meaning and purpose again, not in spite of your child’s death, but because of his or her life).
I’m trying to get you to believe that maybe, just maybe, it is possible to get past this suffocating darkness—to think if others have, maybe I can too.
I remember exactly when I grabbed hold of that belief; it was a turning point for me. I was standing in the cemetery, crying at my daughter, Becca’s, grave. I stood there and looked around at all those other tombstones.
I knew many of them were for children or young adults because I had spent many hours walking around reading the tombstones, including the dates, and figuring out how old they were when they were buried. I thought about how every single one of those tombstones had a story of the people who were left behind, who had grieved and mourned. Every one of those tombstones represented someone’s pain and loss.
It suddenly hit me that all these people (including those who had buried a child) somehow managed to get through it. And somehow, I could too. That realization planted a tiny seed of hope that I didn’t have to stay in this dark place, which gave me what I needed to slowly start working my way out of the black pit.
Believing the truth is just as powerful as believing a lie.
People do what they do, based on their feelings, because of what they believe. Most people live mainly out of their feelings, and feelings do not always equal the truth. To put that a different way, just because I have feelings about something, no matter how strong, does not mean my feelings are necessarily based on the truth.
To change your behavior, which is driven by your emotions, you must know and understand the truth. It is truth that will set you free. However, it can be a messy and painful process.
When God created us, He did an amazing thing. One of the ways He made us in His image is by allowing us to think our own thoughts. He does not control our thoughts, even though He could. He allows us to think He is the evil one.
I remember times when my kids blamed me for something and were angry at me when I wasn’t the one who caused the pain, or my decision was based on something I could see that they could not. It’s the same way with God. He allows us to have our own thoughts, even if we believe a lie about Him. That is how much He loves us. He doesn’t force us to trust Him or love Him. He lets it come from our own choice and our own thoughts.
Don’t let the enemy take the greatest 
pain and darkness you have ever faced and turn it into a lie that God doesn’t love you, or that He has turned His back on you.
One of the best ways to get out of the enemy’s sticky web is to still your soul, quiet your own thoughts, and ask God to give you His thoughts. You need to be transformed—totally changed—by the renewing of your mind (Romans 12:2). Allow God’s thoughts to speak softly to you in the depths of your being to set you free from the turmoil. Sit quietly in His presence, letting His thoughts reprogram your thinking.
What you focus on is what you will grow. So, if you continue to focus on the pain and loss, it will grow until it is ready to consume you and overtake you. But if instead you think about, focus on, and give thanks for what or who you still have, that is what will begin to grow, and eventually it will bring you out of that deep dark place.
You may not think so right now, but you can get to the place where you celebrate your child’s life, instead of being stuck in the pain of their death. The question is: Where are you rooting and grounding your thoughts? If it can happen for me, and countless other pareavors who thought that was impossible, it can happen to you.
Do you need help with your thoughts? Are you looking for a connection that will give you hope? Let Laura send you her Weekly Word of Hope, delivered each Wednesday. (Your email address is safe with GPS Hope.)
Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents
Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.
If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.
If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.
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taught her over the years, digging even deeper into what it means to trust God when something so painful as the death of our child does not make sense.
Habakkuk wasn’t looking for answers, he was looking for peace. Answers don’t give us peace. Placing the painful mess in God’s all-knowing, loving hands and choosing to trust Him to walk with us through the darkness will.
I take heart and gain strength. (MSG)
As much as Mom knew and persisted through a deep depth of darkness as she fought to bring her children to adulthood, she clung desperately to her faith. She begged God for the reality of the words that she sang. She yearned for her God, and she knew the refuge He could give in sorrow. And, yes, she hid beneath His wings of love, shelter, and protection until Jesus called her home to Heaven.
wanted in my grief was to know with absolute certainty, that my God is right here – to know that I am not alone, and to know that my emptiness and my tears are softened and quieted by a presence that can come no closer.
And while I wait in the temporal, God’s redemptive faithfulness brings beauty from the ashes of tragedy. As I rest beneath the sheltering protection of His wings, I will also find that my child is not forgotten, and the light of my child’s short life can still shine.
she has watched God transform a childhood and youth of dysfunction, abuse, and wrong choices, and then the death of her daughter after a full term pregnancy, into outreaches of compassion and understanding.
Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (
Up until last summer, my husband and I were blessed to have all four of our parents still here on this earth. (Dave’s dad passed last July, and my dad passed last month), so all four of them were still here on earth when Becca died.
prayed a lot, clinging to the only One who can really bring any comfort at a time like this. I am thankful for the One who can express my heart to the Father, when I don’t really even know how to pray (per Romans 8:26). 
hard on the mother of a child. It’s hard on all of us. But for me, I try to look past the death, and see where she (Becca) is today. Death is one thing all of us are going to face. Each one of us is going to die, and we know there is nothing we can do about it. It is actually part of living.
differently. I’m blessed to know that even though here, death separates us from our loved ones, up there, even death cannot separate us. I look forward to that, because I’ve got lots of ‘em up there. Knowing I am going to see them again softens the pain, but every time it leaves a mark.
speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (
I want to let you know that it is okay, even normal, to have this struggle. And I want to release you from feeling guilty about it. Give yourself grace, just like you would a friend if they were in the same situation.
even remember that first holiday season. Everything was a painful blur.
always be this desolate and painful.
In other words, at some point we get to choose if we are going to dwell on the bitter, or on the sweet. And one of the quickest ways to cross over from the bitter to the sweet is to start listing (literally on paper is best) the good things we have in our lives. It can be as simple as “being able to smell the turkey as it cooks” to something as deep as, “I had twenty-nine wonderful years with her that I will never lose.”
Jesus died, so He could bring life. Not just eternal life after we die, but a fulfilled life after a tragic and painful loss. It won’t look the same… we won’t be the same… but we can still have life after death, here on this earth.
If you would like to give a “gift” to your departed loved one this year, you may want to consider sponsoring an “In Loving Memory” heart decal, to be placed on the Hope Mobile. We would be honored to take him or her with us as we 
travel around the nation, keeping your loved one’s memory alive. (And it would be a gift to GPS Hope as well, since 100% of the proceeds goes directly into helping us continue our full-time ministry.) 
