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April 7, 2019 by Laura Diehl 24 Comments

Five Shifts in How to See God After the Death of Your Child

“How can I trust a God who says He loves us and yet allowed this terrible thing to happen to me and my child?” This is a question many grieving parents have.

When everything is going great and I am getting all my prayers answered the way I want, it is easy to believe that God is faithful, and that He is good, and to choose to trust Him with my life. But it is totally different to still believe He is faithful and good and to continue to trust Him when something horrible happens, like the death of my child.

If you are like me, for many years I was a “good Christian” and “claimed the promises of God” like praying protection over my family. And I saw Him answer those prayers over and over again. So when my daughter, Becca, died, does that mean God didn’t keep His promises, that He is not faithful and that I can no longer trust Him?

This is a huge topic, but for the sake of keeping it short and readable for this blog, I am only going to share five quick thoughts.

First let me say that our perspective has everything to do with how this question is answered, which probably shifted drastically at a time when we needed God more than ever in our lives.

So in order to shift our perspective again, either a new thought needs to be introduced and received, or an old one reclaimed. I suggest, even if you aren’t on speaking terms with God right now, that you pause to make sure your heart is open to these five things to help you make the needed shift, which will allow Him to carry you through the darkness and back into hope, light and a life worth living again.

1. Some parents are helped by the realization that their child is not missing; he or she is simply absent.

To be absent means not to be present for the moment. The Bible says that for someone who has accepted the gift of salvation, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:8). We may have lost our child from this earth, but it is only a temporary loss. Becca is only absent from my presence for the rest of my time here on earth.

I can either focus on my personal loss that my child is permanently absent from this earth (which sends me in a downward spiral) or I can focus on the fact that my child is absent from my presence for now but is present with the Lord in glorious joy and perfection. And even though the pain is intense with the temporary separation, I will meet up with my child again in our eternal home, never to be separated again.

And if you are tormenting yourself with the thought that he or she might not have made it there, let me say you don’t know that. You don’t have all the information that God does, so choose to believe that your child made the right choice before death and were welcomed in the open arms of the Savior, instead of choosing to fear that God turned His back on him or her. Why wouldn’t God make one last split-second offer? He loves your child even more intensely than you do and paid the ultimate price of allowing His Son to be brutally murdered to pay the price needed for our sins, so that we can all to be together! If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is!

2. Reading the book of Psalms in the Bible can be extremely helpful.

Over and over the writer cries out for help from a very dark place of despair. And God responds by being a rock, a refuge and help in times of need. I spend a lot of time there when I “relapse” and find myself struggling with the pain and reality that Becca is gone from this earth and I won’t see her again until I join her in heaven.

3. Don’t try to hide from your fears or pretend they aren’t there.

God wants you to bring all your feelings to Him, including the dark and negative ones. You may be wondering, He knows these things already. Why should I have to tell Him how I am feeling? Because you need to admit those things, so you can give them to God and let Him work with you at being set free. If you do this persistently, those tormenting feelings of fear and anger will eventually lose their hold on you, and you will find yourself opening up once again to God’s love and faithfulness to you through the worst trial you have ever faced, and find yourself starting to trust Him again to get you through it somehow.

4. Find different promises you can hold up to God.

I have chosen to believe Romans 8:18 more now than I ever did, which tells me the sufferings of this present time cannot be compared with the glory that will be revealed in me. Knowing how great my suffering has been, that must be some incredible glory that will be revealed to me at some point!

How about the promise of Jesus telling us He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5)? That is not a promise based on conditions. It is set and firm, no matter what we choose to do or not do or based on how we feel about Him.

He is our constant companion and source of everything we need during this time. The question is not “Where is God?” The question is “Where am I?” I can walk out on Him very easily, and many of us do. We ignore Him, as though He is no longer with us. That is never the case. Guess who moved away? (Hint: it’s not God.)

5. Remember that God always leads us into triumph.

During a worship song at church one day, I suddenly realized that if I bring God into my battle (including the battle of my fears and my darkness) then I will win, because it is impossible for Him to lose! He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. God has the first and last word in my life, and He also has it in the life of my child!

God has never entered a battle where He came out as the loser, and He never will. As soon as I see God on my side and not as the enemy, and ask Him to fight for me, I know somehow in the end I will come out victorious!

I can offer no easy fix or solution to this often-painful dilemma after the death of one’s child, although it is very black-and-white. We either believe God is good and Satan is evil, or we don’t.

We either believe that God isn’t big enough and has not won the final victory over sin and death, or we believe that He is more than enough, and the death of my child is not where God reached His limits. Somehow, He has a way out of the suffocating darkness of grief because of His deep love for me, and I am determined to hold on to Him with everything I have until He gets me to that place.

There is freedom in surrender. There is peace in trusting. That may not make any sense, but isn’t that part of what makes Him God? So often life here on this earth won’t make any sense with our limited minds. God sees what we cannot see, and He knows what we do not know. And we need to get to the point where we are okay with the fact that there are just some answers we won’t get on this side of eternity.

Living life here on earth without my oldest daughter has been an extremely painful challenge. And in working my way through the grief, I have discovered that God is not who I thought He was. He is way better than how I limited Him before. He is more compassionate, more loving, more faithful, more everything that is good, and that I need, to get me through my remaining time here until I am reunited forever with Becca.

I pray you will make the same discovery.

We would love to hear from you. Please share in the comments below which of the five shifts spoke to you the most. You never know who you might encourage with your own thoughts on this subject.

This blog was taken from the book When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child. As of the writing of this blog, we are in the process of putting together a free study course for those who want to go deeper than the book takes them. We would be happy to let you know when it is ready to be offered and to send more detailed information.

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
  • Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: Biblical perspective on grief, comfort for grieving parents, coping with the death of a child, death of a child, Faith through grief, finding hope after loss, God's promises in grief, grief and faith, grief and healing, grieving parents, healing after child loss, hope after tragedy, loss of a child, trusting God after loss, Trusting God during grief

February 25, 2018 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

Your Lost Identity When Your Child Dies

Our identity is so important, and when we lose our child, a huge part of our identity has been stripped from us, even if we have other children still here (but especially if we do not).

In the Bible, in the book of Exodus, chapter three, God shares with Moses that He has seen the pain and misery of His people. He has heard them crying. He is concerned about their suffering. And He has a plan to help them out of their pain, to move them forward into the fullness of who He promised they would be, if they would allow it.

When we are in the darkness of our crushing pain, most of us don’t even think it is possible to move out of the darkness into a place of light, much less have meaning and purpose in our lives ever again. I have heard so many times, “Well, maybe you have found peace and hope and have a life worth living, and I am glad for you, but I just don’t see that happening for me.” Guess what? I THOUGHT THE SAME THING!

After my daughter, Becca, died, I was in such a pit of suffocating darkness, but had no idea how to get out and didn’t think I ever could. And I was absolutely right! I couldn’t.

But I was also determined to hang on to God with anything and everything I possibly could, no matter what. And quite often, that was not holding on to Him at all, but letting Him hold on to me as I just cried and sobbed. And I am talking not just weeks, but months and on into the second and third year after her death.

The added horror of thinking that I was going to live out the rest of my life here on earth just waiting to die, while stuck in the shell of my earthly body, was terrifying to me. Especially when my head knew I still had things to live for, but my heart just wouldn’t allow me to believe it and want to live.

So, I started making myself think about what I knew about my God before the unthinkable happened.

• I AM with you and will NEVER leave you or forsake you
• I AM able – NOTHING is impossible for Him
• I AM a promise keeper (which we often misunderstand or misconstrue)
• I AM love itself
• I AM your comforter
• I AM light in the darkness
• I AM the Prince of Peace
• I AM life, and resurrection power is my specialty
• I AM the one who counts all of your tears and keeps them in a bottle
• I AM the lover of your soul
• I AM all-knowing and all-powerful
• I AM the giver of life, of hope, of rest
• I AM the One who makes a way when there is no way
• I AM the Alpha and O mega, the beginning and end of everything (He will always have the final word!)
• I AM the provider of eternal life
• I AM your rock, your anchor, and the tower you can run to for security
• I AM everything you need

What I have come to know is that because of the identity of the great I AM, my identity, and therefore my life, is not over here on this earth, and I am okay with that. And even more importantly, my identity is tied to Him more than anything or anyone else, which is still slowly bringing a new measure of freedom in my life that I have never had before.

God was not blindsided by Becca’s death. He didn’t reach His limits when she left this earth, and was suddenly unable to bring light into darkness, no matter how deep and black that darkness is.

In other words, He did not stop being I AM, and all that it means, because I stopped being the me I knew as Becca’s mom. He is the exact same God I loved and trusted before He allowed Becca to go ahead of me to our eternal home. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He was, and is, and is to come. He isn’t the one whose identity changed. His identity is sure and secure, proven throughout thousands of years.

That meant I had to find out who He really is, instead of who I thought He was. And you probably need to as well. And the only way I know for us to become unscrambled in this area of our lost identity, and become all that God created and intended for us to be, is to seek to understand God’s identity as the I AM, within our deep pain and grief.

Go ahead, be mad at Him. It’s okay. That is part of how we find out who He really is. Because no matter how we feel about Him or treat Him, He still is the same incredibly secure and great I AM. And that is something to be extremely thankful for.

Because of God’s identity being I AM, you can still have identity, purpose and meaning after the death of your child. It will take a while, but I and many other bereaved parents can tell you that it is worth pursuing and fighting for! And please know that we are here for you, to walk with you to that place, without shaming you or judging you, no matter how long it takes.

Laura has written a book, Triple Crown Transformation, that has a chapter about our identity.  Let us know if you would like to receive this as a free downloadable eBook. (It is also available on Amazon in paperback and audiobook.)


Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: bereaved parents healing, Christian healing after loss, Faith through grief, finding purpose after loss, God's "I AM" in grief, God’s comfort in grief, grief and identity, healing after the death of a child, I AM God in grief, identity after loss, identity in God after loss, purpose and meaning in grief, spiritual healing, trusting God in grief

October 15, 2017 by Laura Diehl 2 Comments

Help! I Feel So Guilty…

It’s been almost 5 1/2 years since our beautiful 23-year-old daughter, Naomi, took her life and it’s still so hard to believe this happened. It’s so wrong and it never should have happened, but it did.

We knew she was depressed and believed the cause was postpartum depression but now believe it was more complicated than that. We also learned of a traumatic experience that she had gone through that would have added to her depression.

There are so many events that happened in the 3 1/2 months before her taking her life that I have gone over and over in my mind, trying to put it all together and make sense of it all. I had so much guilt as I replayed conversations that we’d had over and over in my mind, thinking the outcome could have been different if I had asked different questions or been there more for her.

We actually thought she was getting better because she showed signs of being more of her happy self at times. I know she was afraid to tell us that she was in a worse place than we realized, which breaks my heart.

In November of 2013, a little over 1 1/2 years since Naomi left this earth, we saw Steven Curtis Chapman in concert and one of the things he said was, “I probably have more questions now than I’ve ever had, but I think the question that the Lord is asking us is, ‘Will you trust me?'” I broke down when I heard him say that because that was my struggle. “Do I trust you, Lord? I want to. Help me to!”

On July 24, 2014, our daughter’s birthday, I was finally able to say, “Lord, I don’t get this and this is so wrong and there are so many unanswered questions, but I trust you.” There are things that happen in this life that are so painful and tragic and wrong, but as Papa said in The Shack, “Just because I can bring incredible good out of incredible tragedy doesn’t mean I orchestrated the tragedy.”

God is good and He is faithful and He is the healer of the brokenhearted and He WILL give beauty for ashes! I trust that!

What you have just read was written by Denee Martindale. In the last couple of years, Denee has become a precious friend. Our daughters actually knew each other growing up, through school and local church activities, but it has only been since they both died that we have gotten to know one another on a deeper level.

There are three things that I think are important to notice in what Denee has shared.

  1. Guilt did not serve her well. 

The “if only’s” and deep regrets don’t change anything. In fact, as long as we are in that frame of mind, we are continuing to feed the darkness and depression we all face after the death of our child (especially one who ended his or her own life).

  1. It took quite a long time to let go of that guilt.

Naomi passed in April of 2012. Denee was tortured with the guilt for over a year and a half. And even when presented with the truth that God was asking her to trust Him beyond all of her unanswered questions, it took another eight months before she was ready to do so.

I know many of you who are reading this have been in that same place for much longer. (This is not a judgment, just an observation.)

  1. The solution was not in herself.

Denee had to let go and trust the One who holds life and death in His hands, and loves both you and your child more deeply than any of us can comprehend.

Coming to a place of acceptance that God did not cause the death of our child, is where many of us have to start. Then we need to accept the fact that He had a reason for not stepping in and stopping our child’s death that will not make sense to us on this side of eternity.

Unfortunately, many of us have a misguided definition of faith, which makes all of this even more difficult, and can be part of the guilt we find ourselves trapped in. True faith is not getting the answers we want (or we “claim”) to our prayers. True faith is trusting Him when certain prayers are not answered in the way we prayed, believing that He can see what we cannot see, and knows what we do not know.

It is important for us to grasp that this life and what we can see, hear, touch and feel, is only temporary. Our child is on the other side of eternity, and we will be joining them some day. Thankfully, our extremely painful separation is not permanent. We can release the guilt, knowing our children are in the safest, most wonderful place possible. Yes, I know we would much rather have them here with us, but wanting that, and hanging on to guilt because they aren’t, will not change it. So we might as well make a decision to let it go.

I encourage you to do exactly what my friend Denee did. Don’t rely on your own strength or desire to trust God with the most painful thing you have ever faced. Be honest with Him. If you are like Denee, tell Him, “I want to trust you. Help me to!” And if you are not to that point of wanting to trust Him, tell Him! And then ask Him to help you to want to trust Him.

Myself and thousands of other bereaved parents have come to the same conclusion as Denne; God is good and He is faithful and He is the healer of the brokenhearted and He WILL give beauty for ashes!

We trust that! And you can, too.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event  click here. 

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: accepting loss, beauty for ashes grief, bereaved parents support, child suicide guilt, Faith through grief, finding peace after tragedy, finding purpose after loss, God's faithfulness in grief, God’s healing after child death, grieving mother’s faith, grieving parents, guilt after suicide, healing after child suicide, hope after suicide loss, journey through grief, loss of child to suicide, overcoming guilt, postpartum depression and suicide, trusting God after loss, trusting God with unanswered questions

August 20, 2017 by Sara Nelson 3 Comments

Four Secrets to Survival After the Death of Your Child

Unexpected, unforeseen, without warning, that day altered my life forever. At age 36, my daughter and only child died. Some people predicted I would not survive. I wasn’t sure myself. I would not have thought it possible. And yet, somehow, from somewhere inside me, arose a strength I had no idea I possessed, and I rose from the ashes like a phoenix. How? What’s my secret? How can a mother not only survive, but thrive, after the unimaginable happens? Four things are absolutely crucial.

1.Hold onto Hope
Some days, less than a smidgeon of 13. hope for a good future hope is all I have to hold on to, yet I cling to it like a drowning person to a life raft. I clench my hands around hope like a climber hanging by a thread on the side of a mountain; I hope for good. I hope for a future that’s not as dismal as my fears project. Jeremiah 29:11 promises that my future will be good, and I hold God to His Word. I mix faith with words and speak of good, not evil. I project hope into the future.

2. Trust
13. one step at a timeI choose to be confident in the goodness and faithfulness of God. What happened wasn’t God’s fault. It wasn’t because God failed. If I want to blame someone or something, I turn my anger on the devil. He’s the one who brings disease, destruction, and death, not God. God is the One who comforts me, strengthens me, helps me–daily, hourly, even minute-by-minute. He keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. He is faithful and trustworthy to be my light in the darkness, my peace in the storm, and my comfort in deep sorrow.

3. Expect Good
In spite of what happened, I expect good. 13. lean into Romans 8-18I lean into Romans 8:28 until it’s absorbed into my soul like healing ointment absorbed into a wound. I expect God to turn tragedy into triumph, no matter how horrible I feel or how bleak everything appears. I expect good from the goodness of God’s heart.

4. Be Thankful
I am thankful for how God has proven faithful amid this great loss. I’m thankful for all the daily miracles of His grace and blessings. I’m thankful for 13. blessings as sands on the seashoreHis tenderness and compassion, for giving me songs in the night, for the tears He sheds side-by-side with me, and for glimpses of the substantial reality of heaven and its glory. As I begin to give thanks, my eyes are opened to see that His blessings are more numerous than the sands on the seashore. But, I can walk blindly right past His blessings without noticing them, if I’m not cultivating a thankful heart.

The ability to rise from the ashes of devastating loss is not innately within me. I didn’t pull strength or hope out of a hat. I seriously would not have survived apart from God’s grace and through cooperating with God in these four significant ways–expecting good, holding on to hope, trusting, and being thankful. Otherwise, I would absolutely crumble under the weight of sorrow. But, God is greater than tragedy. He is greater than loss and greater than sorrow. His greatness lives within me and causes me to triumph.

border-butterflies (2)

Sara Nelson is a hobby writer, former teacher, coffee-drinker, nature-lover, optimist, encourager, and smile-bringer, and part of the GPS Hope family. She is also a big fan of My Grief Journey Coloring Book and Journal. Here is something that was recently posted in our My Grief Journey private page.

HOPE page - Sara comment

If you would like this page of HOPE to color, just let us know below, and we will send it to you right away. We will also include the written page that goes with it.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: bereaved mother healing, child loss survivor, Christian grief support, coping with death of a child, Faith through grief, God’s comfort in grief, grief and faith, grief recovery through God, grieving the loss of a child, healing from unimaginable pain, hope after tragedy, how to survive child loss, Jeremiah 29:11 after loss, overcoming child loss, phoenix from ashes child loss, rising from grief, Romans 8:28 child loss, thankfulness in sorrow, thriving after loss, trusting God after loss

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