GPS Hope

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Year One, Year Two, Year Three and Beyond

 

Any loss takes time to process and work through. The loss of a loved one can take weeks, months, and years. The loss of a child takes a lifetime.

Grief has its own individual path for each person. We may often hear the words, “There is no right or wrong way to grieve,” and yet much of society shouts the exact opposite to those who are in deep mourning.

We are asked when we are going to “get over it,” or are told we need to let our child go and start moving forward. This can make us angry and add to the painful confusion, making one wonder, “What’s wrong with me, that I am taking so long to be able to function again?” So, we put on a mask, to keep people around us from knowing what a mess we still are, months and even years later.

What most people don’t realize, is that most experts consider the death of one’s child traumatic grief, and that up to five years can be considered “fresh” grief. And as grieving parents, we need to know this; that it’s okay if you are still barely functioning or are unable to go out and “have fun” with friends, or attend painful family events that your child should have been part of, years after the loss.

You may be interested to know that as I started hearing from other bereaved parents in the first couple of years of my journey, I discovered there does seem to be an underlying generic time-frame that many of us pareavors sort of fall into.

The first year is a painful fog, full of numbness, confusion, pain, and disbelief. All the “firsts” hit us hard. The first time he or she is not with us for each holiday or yearly family event, the first year they are not here for their birthday and of course, the first anniversary of their death.

I thought the second year would be easier, because I had already gone through everything once. As pareavors just starting out on this horrific journey, we don’t think it is even possible, but the second year of being without our child is usually worse than the first year. I hope that is not the case for you, but I want to be up front and honest that it is a strong possibility.

Why does that happen to so many of us?

Well, for me personally, that first year I braced myself for all the “firsts,” plus I was still in that fog of trying to figure out if this had really happened. The second year caught me off guard as the fog began to lift. Round two of all those yearly events no longer had the blessing of numbness to block the full depth of the pain. When that initial shock finally wore off, it caused the weight of my loss to hit me full force, with a heaviness and darkness that left me wondering if I would ever get through it. I remember thinking how desperately I wanted the pain to end, afraid that it never would.

The third year for many of us becomes more livable. We are starting to accept the finality and painful fact that our child will never again be with us at any of these events. We are starting to resign ourselves to the fact that no matter how much it hurts, we must figure out who we are without our child. Some of us even begin to see glimmers of hope; that we can still have joy and happiness in the life we are living with those who are still here whom we love, and who love us.

After saying all of that, I also want to emphasize that we are all on our own individual journey.

Unfortunately, there many parents who are stuck in the second-year level. They take many more years to get to the place of painful acceptance, which is necessary to be able to start building their new normal in a way that brings peace, joy, love and laughter back into their lives. For instance, I personally know someone who waited over four years before they could even bring themselves to have a tombstone made for their child’s grave.

Let me say it again, because it is so important. NO ONE is on the same timetable of grieving the death of their child.

Do not look at any dates to see where others were emotionally in our grieving process and use it as some sort of a timeline to force on yourself. We are all on our own individual timeline and need to go through the process at our own speed. Yes, there are some “patterns” (for lack of a better word) that some of us seem to fall into, but don’t expect yourself to fit into that. Give yourself grace to walk your own necessary path. As long as you are putting one foot in front of the other, you will get there. (When Tragedy Strikes.)

How close you were (or weren’t), how he or she died, their age at death and so many other things all play a factor in how you grieve and how long it takes to be able to function again, much less actually learn how to live with your child being “amputated” from you.

Even within this three to five year “acceptance” range, we are all different, including those of us who are “early” or “late.” Here are what a few others have to say about their journey and this “three year” timeline:

 

  • Four years later, I still struggle with these feelings, but not on a daily basis.
  • I just passed anniversary number 5. For me, year 1 -I hardly remember anything, mainly a fog. Year 2 (for me) was worse. The numbness was gone. It was real. It was crushing. I survived day-to-day. Year 3 -I started feeling some joy again. Able to go a few days without crying. Year 4 – still painful, but more like a slap than a body-slam.
  • At first, I experienced waves of grief that crashed over me throwing me prostrate to the floor in agony. After 3-4 years it was mostly a gentle longing with times of intense pain and feelings of loss.
  • I honestly couldn’t tell you anything about the first 2 years. Year 3 things began to get a little better. Lord knows I still cry every day. Year 4 I smiled again. Real smiles not forced ones. And just over the past few months I have finally begun to feel happiness.
  • Year 2 is worse. But I am intentionally seeking Joy and now I’m halfway through the second year. I think I can see Joy every now and then although it is still a ways ahead of me yet.
  • Sadly, the only way to ‘get past this’ is to go through it!! I am broken now in a place that will never heal. But I do find that I can laugh more than I used to, but I define my life ‘before my son died’ and ‘after he died.’ The trick is to wake up every day and try to have a plan and a purpose.

In other words, whether you fit the “pattern” or not, you are in a normal place with your grief, and the right one for you.

Year one, year two, year three, year five, year ten, year twenty, the rest of this lifetime… and then comes our glorious reunion. And the best part? Each day we remain here on this earth doesn’t mean we are getting further away from our children, but that we are one day closer!

We all need to have our children’s lives acknowledged. On our weekly podcast, we love to share with our listeners the birthdays of our children. To have your child’s special and important day announced on the podcast the week of their birthday, fill out and submit the simple form below so that we have the needed information. (This will also allow us to send you our encouraging Weekly Word of Hope, which you can unsubscribe from at any time if you don’t find it helpful.)

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

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Six Reasons to Connect with Other Bereaved Parents

 

There are many grieving parents who have a wonderful support system of friends and family after the death of their child. Unfortunately, much of it often only lasts for about six months to a year.

Once a parent hits that one-year mark, many of the people who are in that support system expect us to start “pulling ourselves together” and going back to who we were before, instead of being all gloomy and sad. We are even told we need to see a counselor and get some help to get over it.

Yes, some of us might need counseling. But many parents I know who go that route end up dropping out, because it isn’t really helping. The counselor is going by the book, based on what they have learned in their schooling, or based on their own grief of losing someone like a parent, but just can’t quite seem to reach the level of walking with those of us who have lost our child, which is what we desperately need. (This blog is not telling anyone to not get counseling. Please find a qualified counselor as soon as possible if you feel it is needed to help you get through some of the worst of the grieving process.)

Not all, but most pareavors (parents who have been bereaved of their child) find that the most helpful thing they can do is to connect with other pareavors who were dumped onto this same unwanted journey and will walk with them through the dark valleys of deep grief.

Here are six specific reasons to connect with other bereaved parents.

  1. We are a safe sounding board. Our grief needs lots of grace. And the best place to safely share and vent your raw and real emotions is to those who have experienced the same blackness, confusion and turmoil. There is no shame, and no judgment on your thoughts or feelings when it comes to other parents who have been right where you are.
  2. We will not only let you talk about your child, but are honored to help you keep his or her memory alive, no matter how many years it has been since they left this earth.
  3. We understand the turmoil leading up to the sunrise and sunset dates, as well as things like not going to church on Mother’s Day, being unable to get in the “holiday spirit” etc., well beyond just the first year.
  4. We have experienced the physical trauma. We know what it is like
    • to be so forgetful that we think we are losing our minds or are terrified we are getting early dementia
    • to get sick easily because our immune system has been compromised
    • to not be able to handle crowds or noisy places like we used to
    • to have no energy to get out of bed, much less get dressed or take a shower, weeks and months into our grief (including years later for seasons here and there)
    • to not be able to attend certain events for many years because they are grief triggers for us
    • to have “grief fog” for years, and the frustration it brings
  5. We understand that the word “family” has a totally different meaning to it now, and we understand why you don’t want to have a family picture taken or go to a family reunion.
  6. You won’t get hurtful clichés and inappropriate Bible verses thrown at you to try and fix you or make you feel better.

There are so many more reasons; these are some just off the top of my head. So now the question becomes, “How do I connect with other pareavors to get this kind of support?” Let me share some suggestions with you.

  • There are many wonderful and encouraging Facebook pages for grieving moms and grieving parents. I am guessing you have probably already discovered a few that are a good fit for your beliefs and struggles.
  • With self-publishing on the rise, there are more and more books written on this subject.
  • You may have also discovered that YouTube has videos out there to help with your grief journey.
  • There are also some great conferences and retreats where you can get away for a few days and move toward a greater measure of healing.
  • And of course, there are actual support groups for grieving parents that meet locally on a regular basis.

Just a personal note on those last two: When our daughter Becca died, I didn’t want to go to a support group or any kind of gathering/conference for parents who have lost a child. I thought it would be morbid, and I didn’t want to sit around with a bunch of people who were a mess like me. I thought I would leave feeling worse than I came. But what I discovered is that it was wonderful being around a group of people who were a mess like me, for all the reasons listed above and more. They “got it!” I didn’t have to exhaust myself by wearing a mask making them think I was okay, or feel the need to apologize for laughing or crying at any given moment for no apparent reason. It was so very refreshing and healing.

Here at Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) we are doing everything we can to provide multiple ways for you to connect with grieving parents for encouragement, based on what works for you, including…. DRUM ROLL PLEASE….

We have launched a weekly podcast specifically for grieving parents!

The first episode was released on April 23, 2019 and a new one is released each Tuesday. The Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast is for those who are looking for light in their darkness, and for hope that your life can still have meaning and purpose as you learn to live in a way that honors the life of your child instead of being stuck in the deep grief of his or her death. You can find it several places where podcasts are found. (We hit a snag with iTunes and are hoping it will be there soon, as well.) It is also on our website, along with the show notes. Just go to www.gpshope.org/podcast.

In case you are not aware, here are several other ways that GPS Hope is providing ongoing support for grieving parents.

Facebook page

YouTube Channel

Award winning books

Deeper Dive book study on When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child

Weekend retreats

Podcast

Support Groups (It is easy to facilitate a local GPS Hope Share & Care group)

Life Coaching

The Hope Mobile (our 38-foot motor home we live in) to meet personally with bereaved parents, or to minister through speaking and music to your group

Whether you connect with us here at GPS Hope in some way, or you connect with other groups, the bottom line message is that you are not alone, and there are those of us out here who want to walk with you until you can share that same message of hope with someone else coming along behind you.

 

 

Last year I put together a list of top ten recommended books. If you would like to have that list sent to you, just let us know and we would be happy to do so. (Since that time, I have read Imagine Heaven by John Burke and highly recommend it as well.)

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

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Five Shifts in How to See God After the Death of Your Child

“How can I trust a God who says He loves us and yet allowed this terrible thing to happen to me and my child?” This is a question many grieving parents have.

When everything is going great and I am getting all my prayers answered the way I want, it is easy to believe that God is faithful, and that He is good, and to choose to trust Him with my life. But it is totally different to still believe He is faithful and good and to continue to trust Him when something horrible happens, like the death of my child.

If you are like me, for many years I was a “good Christian” and “claimed the promises of God” like praying protection over my family. And I saw Him answer those prayers over and over again. So when my daughter, Becca, died, does that mean God didn’t keep His promises, that He is not faithful and that I can no longer trust Him?

This is a huge topic, but for the sake of keeping it short and readable for this blog, I am only going to share five quick thoughts.

First let me say that our perspective has everything to do with how this question is answered, which probably shifted drastically at a time when we needed God more than ever in our lives.

So in order to shift our perspective again, either a new thought needs to be introduced and received, or an old one reclaimed. I suggest, even if you aren’t on speaking terms with God right now, that you pause to make sure your heart is open to these five things to help you make the needed shift, which will allow Him to carry you through the darkness and back into hope, light and a life worth living again.

1. Some parents are helped by the realization that their child is not missing; he or she is simply absent.

To be absent means not to be present for the moment. The Bible says that for someone who has accepted the gift of salvation, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:8). We may have lost our child from this earth, but it is only a temporary loss. Becca is only absent from my presence for the rest of my time here on earth.

I can either focus on my personal loss that my child is permanently absent from this earth (which sends me in a downward spiral) or I can focus on the fact that my child is absent from my presence for now but is present with the Lord in glorious joy and perfection. And even though the pain is intense with the temporary separation, I will meet up with my child again in our eternal home, never to be separated again.

And if you are tormenting yourself with the thought that he or she might not have made it there, let me say you don’t know that. You don’t have all the information that God does, so choose to believe that your child made the right choice before death and were welcomed in the open arms of the Savior, instead of choosing to fear that God turned His back on him or her. Why wouldn’t God make one last split-second offer? He loves your child even more intensely than you do and paid the ultimate price of allowing His Son to be brutally murdered to pay the price needed for our sins, so that we can all to be together! If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is!

2. Reading the book of Psalms in the Bible can be extremely helpful.

Over and over the writer cries out for help from a very dark place of despair. And God responds by being a rock, a refuge and help in times of need. I spend a lot of time there when I “relapse” and find myself struggling with the pain and reality that Becca is gone from this earth and I won’t see her again until I join her in heaven.

3. Don’t try to hide from your fears or pretend they aren’t there.

God wants you to bring all your feelings to Him, including the dark and negative ones. You may be wondering, He knows these things already. Why should I have to tell Him how I am feeling? Because you need to admit those things, so you can give them to God and let Him work with you at being set free. If you do this persistently, those tormenting feelings of fear and anger will eventually lose their hold on you, and you will find yourself opening up once again to God’s love and faithfulness to you through the worst trial you have ever faced, and find yourself starting to trust Him again to get you through it somehow.

4. Find different promises you can hold up to God.

I have chosen to believe Romans 8:18 more now than I ever did, which tells me the sufferings of this present time cannot be compared with the glory that will be revealed in me. Knowing how great my suffering has been, that must be some incredible glory that will be revealed to me at some point!

How about the promise of Jesus telling us He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5)? That is not a promise based on conditions. It is set and firm, no matter what we choose to do or not do or based on how we feel about Him.

He is our constant companion and source of everything we need during this time. The question is not “Where is God?” The question is “Where am I?” I can walk out on Him very easily, and many of us do. We ignore Him, as though He is no longer with us. That is never the case. Guess who moved away? (Hint: it’s not God.)

5. Remember that God always leads us into triumph.

During a worship song at church one day, I suddenly realized that if I bring God into my battle (including the battle of my fears and my darkness) then I will win, because it is impossible for Him to lose! He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. God has the first and last word in my life, and He also has it in the life of my child!

God has never entered a battle where He came out as the loser, and He never will. As soon as I see God on my side and not as the enemy, and ask Him to fight for me, I know somehow in the end I will come out victorious!

I can offer no easy fix or solution to this often-painful dilemma after the death of one’s child, although it is very black-and-white. We either believe God is good and Satan is evil, or we don’t.

We either believe that God isn’t big enough and has not won the final victory over sin and death, or we believe that He is more than enough, and the death of my child is not where God reached His limits. Somehow, He has a way out of the suffocating darkness of grief because of His deep love for me, and I am determined to hold on to Him with everything I have until He gets me to that place.

There is freedom in surrender. There is peace in trusting. That may not make any sense, but isn’t that part of what makes Him God? So often life here on this earth won’t make any sense with our limited minds. God sees what we cannot see, and He knows what we do not know. And we need to get to the point where we are okay with the fact that there are just some answers we won’t get on this side of eternity.

Living life here on earth without my oldest daughter has been an extremely painful challenge. And in working my way through the grief, I have discovered that God is not who I thought He was. He is way better than how I limited Him before. He is more compassionate, more loving, more faithful, more everything that is good, and that I need, to get me through my remaining time here until I am reunited forever with Becca.

I pray you will make the same discovery.

We would love to hear from you. Please share in the comments below which of the five shifts spoke to you the most. You never know who you might encourage with your own thoughts on this subject.

This blog was taken from the book When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child. As of the writing of this blog, we are in the process of putting together a free study course for those who want to go deeper than the book takes them. We would be happy to let you know when it is ready to be offered and to send more detailed information.

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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Can the Spirits of Our Children Come to Us?

The other night Dave and I went out to supper with a couple who recently lost their son from this earth. One of the questions she asked was, “Do you think our kids’ spirits can come back and visit us?”

She shared a situation where two of them had an impression in their spirits that he was there at a profound event at a certain place for a few seconds, very happy with what was happening. Plus, there was another time this mom sensed her son’s presence in a very real and almost tangible way.

These are not “flaky” people. They are very rooted and grounded in their relationship with the Lord, and spiritual leaders and pillars in the Body of Christ. They are sensitive to the voice and presence of the Holy Spirit.

It reminds me of an email I received recently:

I have a question; do you ever feel like your daughter’s spirit is around you? I always feel like she is around me. Sometimes I get confused, like I wonder did she ever cross over or does she just come back to visit? J.A.

It really is such a good question, and one that I find interesting to answer. Since it comes up so often, I finally decided to share my thoughts on this subject in a blog.

First, let me say that God makes it very clear we are NOT to go to mediums or try to call up the dead (Deuteronomy 18:9-11). That is dangerous and opens the door for the demonic realm to approach and deceive us, letting darkness have an influence in our lives disguised as light and hope. But that is not what I am talking about here.

I know strong Christians who are positive they occasionally feel the presence of the spirit of their loved one who died and no longer has a bodily form. These Christians have not sought after them as a spiritual being. They are not going to psychics or mediums to try and hear from their loved ones. But at some point, usually quite unexpectedly, they suddenly just “know” that their child or loved one is in the room with them, usually very close by.

When I started hearing these stories, I realized it was not my job to judge, but to be like Mary, and quietly ponder those things in my heart, taking them to God. And in doing this for several years now, I have only recently allowed myself to begin to explore outside of what I was taught, that when a person dies, they leave this earth and we are totally separated until we ourselves die. Period. That’s it. End of story.

I didn’t allow myself to even remotely consider anything else because I have been afraid of “being led astray” and seeing something because I want to see it, allowing myself to be deceived. But when I take anything I am questioning to God, I always ask Him to show me the truth, and not to allow me to be deceived. So, I have to believe that He will honor that, and the Holy Spirit will help me sort it out without going down the wrong path on the questions I put before Him, including this one.

So, let me take a deep breath and say that I have begun to believe that it is possible that our children’s spirits have opportunities to visit us, for the specific purpose of bringing comfort, peace, or whatever our need is for that moment. And there are places in the Bible that support this.

First, we know there are spiritual beings, angels and demons, all around us. We are surrounded by a spiritual realm that is even more real than the earthly realm we live in.

Remember when God opened Jacob’s eyes to see a ladder to heaven with angels ascending and descending (Genesis 28)? So, if our children are no longer contained by their bodies, isn’t it possible that God occasionally allows them to ascend and descend as spiritual beings also, if there is a purpose for it?

Then there is the time when Moses and Elijah came to earth to speak with Jesus before His death (Matthew 17).

And how about the “great cloud of witnesses” that Hebrews chapter twelve talks about, referring to the entire previous chapter of those who had died? Is it just those in Hebrews 11 who are in that group, or is it everyone who has died and now has full access to the Father as a spiritual being without bodily limitations?

We are three-part beings. We have a soul (our mind, will and emotions), we live in a body, but we are a spirit being. Jesus was very clear that He was leaving this earth so that the Holy Spirit could come (John 16:7). He lives inside us when we believe and receive by faith that Jesus died for our sins and was resurrected. We are the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19), so our spirit is fully connected with the spiritual realm, whether we are aware of it or not.

In John chapter ten, Jesus says His sheep hear and know His voice and follow Him. As Christians, we are supposed to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, growing in knowing His voice, so we can grow in our direct communion and fellowship with Him. It is a Spirit-to-spirit connection. So, if we are aware of God’s presence, is it that far off-base to occasionally be aware of the presence of our child’s spirit, who is connected to Him, Spirit-to-spirit as well?

Let me also say that I believe there are many times when God knows we need encouragement, so He will send us a sign that relates to our child, but it is not him or her. For example, let’s say a grieving parent is floundering hopelessly in the suffocating darkness of their grief. A cardinal comes and sits within 3 feet of them. Knowing their child loved and collected cardinals, some parents will think their child came to visit them as that cardinal. There is no scriptural ground that anyone’s spirit comes back in the form of an animal. However, I do believe that God, in His deep love and compassion, sent that cardinal to give peace and comfort, because of the special connection their child had with cardinals.

One thing that I become more aware of with each passing year, is how much I don’t understand about God. Even having the Bible to read and study, His vastness, His majesty, His glory, His love, is just beyond what I can comprehend or wrap my head around. Paul tells us in I Corinthians 13:12 that we see in part and we know in part. We cannot see the full picture, because what we see here on this earth is like looking through a dark glass.

Yes, I know we have the Word to teach and guide us, but there is not one single person here on earth who doesn’t have blind spots and wrong beliefs in some areas. Not a single one of us knows all truth. But we are constantly being taught by the Holy Spirit, who lives inside us, having our eyes opened to more light and more truth, which continues to set us free from false beliefs.

Have I had a sense that Becca’s spirit is around at some point? No, but I have had twice when I fully believe I was in heaven with her. God gave me a vision, allowing my spirit to join her before His throne and in the heavenly city.

So, in answer to the question, “Can the spirits of our children come to us?” I will say that I have started to believe it is possible that our children’s spirit can come and be with us at times on assignment for a specific purpose.

I would love to hear from you on this subject. If you do not agree, please share in a loving and respectful way. Anything harsh and judgmental will not be approved to be posted.

 

One of the sessions of the GPS Hope on-line summit was “What About Psychics and Signs?” where Dave and I discuss the topic. The entire Virtual Summit is on sale in our store, but if you would like this session for free, we would be happy to send a link for you to access it. Just fill in the information below. (It will also add you to our Weekly Word of Hope emails, which you can unsubscribe from at any time.)

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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Three Ways to Face Bittersweet Events as a Bereaved Parent

When our child passes through this life ahead of us, the pain is more than can be put into words. But as life around us goes on, we eventually (and I use that word very loosely) learn how to function with that piece of our heart missing.

But every event that should be worth celebrating, is now bittersweet.

Getting together for the holidays will forever be bittersweet. Yes, we can be grateful and enjoy those who are gathered there. and even have moments of fun and laughter when we are all together, but whether we say it or not, in our hearts there is an undercurrent of pain, knowing we aren’t really all together. For instance, as we watch the next generation of cousins enjoying each other, we are blatantly reminded that our child is not there with them. No matter how much we love our family and are happy to be together, we hurt because our child will always be missing. Bittersweet.

Graduations, school dances, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, birthday parties, weddings, baby showers…all of these and many more celebration events and milestones can be overshadowed with a reminder of who is not there and be bittersweet.

Our middle son will be the only one of the siblings who had all five of them present at his wedding. The other four will be missing their sister, both at the event, and in the family wedding photos. Bittersweet.

Almost one year to the day of Becca’s death, we had the blessing of a new little granddaughter coming into this world. She was given the name of Becca as a second middle name. Very bittersweet. And since then we’ve had three more grandchildren born into our family. Every day a grandchild makes his or her entrance into the world is miraculously wonderful, but we can’t help but also feel the deep sting that someone important is missing, as Becca is not there as a newly proud aunt. Bittersweet.

What I have found is that the sweeter the moment in life, the opposite is also true; the deeper the sting is in our hearts because our child isn’t with us to share that moment.

Is there anything we can do to ease that sting?

When those grief waves come, I will be one of the first ones to tell you it is important to lean into it, allowing yourself to feel the pain, like a valve allowing the pressure of grief to be released. And the fresher the loss, the more painful pressure there is that needs to go somewhere. In fact, it may be one constant release for weeks and months.

But we all come to a point somewhere down this road, where we get to make a choice. Am I going to keep that painful loss in the forefront of my life, leaning into the bitterness of my earthly loss, or am I going to find ways to lean into the sweetness of life that is still all around me?

If you are ready to move further away from the bitter, here are three suggestions to help lean into the sweet, during those bittersweet events.

  1. When I feel the heaviness of grief trying to come in, I will pause and think of my beautiful Becca in heaven, dancing on two legs, with Jesus. She is in the greatest celebration of all (which means she is not really missing out on much here compared to what she is experiencing). I will remind myself that this earth is not my permanent home. “For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:18). I tell myself that at some point, life on this earth won’t matter, and we will all be united for eternity. What a glorious day that will be!

Focusing on my child’s gain, and the fact that this world is not permanent, allows me to lean away from the bitter and into the sweetness of the moment.

  1. It helps when the family makes sure the memory of our child is kept alive at these events. Since I have written about this before, I won’t go into it here. One is Three Ways To Help a Bereaved Parent During the Holidays and another is Five Suggestions for Bereaved Parents Who Have Been Told, “You Should Be Over This By Now” (specifically point number 4).
  1. Connect with other pareavors (bereaved parents) who can let you know that all of those crazy thoughts and emotions you have (that make you think you are a horrible person) are NORMAL for a parent who has lost a child.

Below are some actual quotes from grieving parents that you might be able to relate to.

It has been three years, and when I hear of the ones around me talking about doing or seeing things with their family, it still just sends me into a roller coaster.

The hardest days I’ve lived with in the past almost five years (besides the initial shock and despair) following my daughter’s murder? When her younger siblings caught up to, and then passed her in age.

Does anyone else find it hard to be happy for someone who is expecting when your heart is permanently broken??

When people ask how I am doing I just say fine, because the very few times I’ve broken down and told the truth they didn’t want to hear it!! So unless it’s a really bad day and I can’t hold the tears back, I just lie and say I’m fine!!  

I can’t remember people’s names… I keep thinking that I have dementia… so many have given up on us because we don’t follow through with invitations, answer every phone call and text…

But, be sure the pareavors you connect to are not ones who are stuck and tell you that you will be also, but those who will light your path with hope that it is possible to get through this, such as the following:

I have lost 3 children to death too soon. I realized the more I wished for the day to be over, and praying the next day would be better, that I am letting my days slip away. We are not promised tomorrow so I must learn how to live … It’s our personal choice as life stops for no one.

 …I remember feeling guilty the first day I didn’t feel crushing heartbreak. But then I remembered that my daughter was laughter and life and light. I began to find ways to fill my days with those…

…it has been 9 yrs since my oldest son passed in a wreck, and today I laugh again. You will laugh again, you will smile again, you will feel joy again… it’s a very black journey for most of us, but we do get thru it. It’s different for everyone, we all react differently to things, but this is one thing the most of us moms agree on, we could not have gotten thru it without each other’s help and shoulders to cry on; the wisdom of the mothers who had gone thru it before us.

 …She has been gone now for longer than she lived. My life has not stood still; my grief did not hold its shape like concrete. It is a process through which we move, and we return to joy of a different kind, laced with gratitude for what we’ve had and what we still have… Choose to heal, and you will. Intend it! Then follow the path, step by step, until you’re there.

This whole bittersweet thing is part of our lives now, whether we want it to be or not. I love how this parent describes it:

Losing a child splits you in two. You are never whole again and that’s ok. You are like a great oak tree, and the loss of a child is like lightning that strikes the oak, splitting and burning the bark, leaving the strong tree still alive but damaged forever. The tree doesn’t die, it can’t; it’s needed to go on and provide life for so many others who love it and depend on the tree. Going on with your life, honors your child. You keep their memory alive…

When we do choose to move toward a measure of healing, desiring to bring laughter and joy into our lives once again, it is hard work. It is a battle. It can be exhausting. Choosing to focus on the blessings we have, and leaning into the sweet, instead of the bitter, can be extremely difficult.

But it can be done, and it is so very worth it! Here at Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) we pray that you choose life, and to connect with us to walk with you on that journey.

The quotes in this blog were taken from Come Grieve Through My Eyes: How to Give Comfort and Support to Bereaved Parents by Taking a Glimpse into Our Hidden World. Many bereaved parents have endorsed this book, saying how much it helped them to understand their own grief.

We would like to directly offer this book to our readers for half price! It is your choice for the eBook only $3, or a signed paperback copy only $5 (plus S/H). This is limited to one per person, but you can let your friends and family know about it, to get their own copy. 

For the eBook (pdf version for only $3) click here.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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