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The Struggles with Thanksgiving and Child Loss

All the holidays are a struggle, but Thanksgiving is unique in that the entire purpose is to be thankful and grateful for the ways God has blessed us. But, after the death of our child, many of us don’t feel blessed at all, much less feel thankful.

As a pareavor, I totally understand the thoughts of not having anything to be thankful for in those early months and years. The death of our child is front and center and being thankful for ANYTHING can feel impossible. When we are told we can at least be thankful that we are breathing… no, we can’t, because we don’t want to be breathing, right? I remember begging God to just take me. I wasn’t suicidal, I just didn’t want to be here anymore.

To be honest, I don’t even remember those first few years. For the Thanksgiving meal, I think we all went out to eat. We may have done that for the first two to three years, until my adult children worked up the courage to say how much they missed the traditional Thanksgiving meal and being together at the house, so I did eventually go back to that.

Since we now live in our motorhome and are on the road in the Hope Mobile, Thanksgiving is very different for us, which I am quite okay with. However, this year we are driving our car back home to Wisconsin, leaving the Hope Mobile (and our cat, Savanah) with friends in Texas and I will be cooking the meal at my oldest son’s house.

This can be a constant yearly struggle for all of us, not wanting to disappoint our other children and family members, and at the same time, knowing we don’t have it in us to celebrate Thanksgiving, whether it is physically, emotionally, mentally, or even spiritually.

Last year, right after Thanksgiving, I received an email from my friend Jill. Her barely two-year-old son, Nathan, died suddenly and unexpectedly, over twenty years ago. Jill shared with me the struggle of still finding herself, after all those years, “having to continually give grace to those who don’t understand” because she was told on Thanksgiving at a gathering that as she matured, she should be able to celebrate again.

Let me add that her son’s birthday is in November. He died thirteen days after his birthday on November 24th and was buried on Thanksgiving Day. Talk about lots of triggers at a time of year when we are supposed to be “thankful”!

Jill goes on in the email to say what those around us don’t realize; grief has nothing to do with maturity.  There is more to this email as she shares how people think she must still be struggling because of posting pictures of Nathan on these dates, and her response to that. (If you would like to hear the entire email, you can go to podcast episode 185 here or find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app).

It can be exhausting trying to explain to family and friends why we don’t want to (or can’t) celebrate holidays and special events like we have in the past, especially when they just don’t get it. Friends and family who mean well, can even insist that joining in the celebrations and festivities is just what we need. They tell us it is the best thing we can do to “get back to normal.”

That may be true with their personal experience of other losses, but we know this is not like any other loss. However, we would not know that ourselves if we were not experiencing it, so we cannot expect them to know or understand that.

Recently in a conversation with several moms, one of them commented how special it is to be able to make new memories with the one who is gone. That was such a beautiful thought, and one that I will leave you with. How can you still make new and meaningful memories during the holiday season with your child who is no longer here with you?

Yes, it will probably be painful, but like a good pain that is bringing healing. These are bittersweet days for all of us through the end of the year, and even more so if you are like Jill and there are birthdays and death dates in the middle of it.

But you can learn to learn how not to just fall into the despair of the bitter, but how to lean into the sweet. The struggle is real, but so is the Holy Spirit as He walks with you through each day, including the days we struggle to be thankful.

This was taken from a recent Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast. To hear all of what was shared (which includes something that might help to explain our grief, if not to others, at least to yourself) you can listen to it here on the GPS Hope website or listen on the GPS Hope YouTube channel. You can also find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

Are you dreading the Christmas holiday season and wishing there was something to help you get through it? Hope for the Future: An Advent Book for Bereaved Parents is a daily reading through the Christmas season, and you can also join me live each Sunday night, lighting a candle. Find out more here.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Giving Yourself a Gift While Grieving During the Christmas Season

For many of us who have lost a child, the Christmas season can be outright brutal. Finding the right gift to give others may not be on your radar right now, much less giving any gifts to yourself. However, those who have been on this journey for a while know how important it is find helpful ways to get through this painful time of year.

In this short blog, I am going to share a couple of ways you can do this.

First, be up front, and let close family and friends know this is still very painful. You can do this by giving them something to read, written by someone else on this journey, to explain why this is normal. (Click here to see the page for this purpose on the GPS Hope website that you can pass along to someone using the share buttons.)

While you are at it, ask everyone to come to the family event prepared with a special memory of your child to share. Just a note: funny is good, as laughter brings a measure of healing. Remind your family that the holiday gatherings are a precious time to spend time with each other and to talk about and share memories with those who couldn’t make it. Death puts your child in the category of someone who could not make it. You may find you hear stories you never knew, and this may even give you something to look forward to instead of dreading being with others.

The other suggestion I want to make is to buy a special notebook and write to your child over the holidays. Describe holiday scenes to them, share with him or her the events you attend, and yes, let them know how much you miss them. There will probably be lots of tears, but tears are cleansing. Even through the pain it will bring a measure of healing, even if it does not feel like it right now.

You can also find ways to join others and remember your children together. Many support groups and cemeteries have special candlelight services in the month of December for this purpose. It helps to know others are also carrying the heavy burden of missing their children or other loved ones.

You can also join me live on Sunday evenings as I light a candle on my advent wreath and share what this season means to us as bereaved parents. (To find out more click here.)

This was taken from my recent podcast episode Five Gifts to Give Yourself while Grieving During the Holidays, which you can find here on YouTube, here on the GPS Hope website or find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

 

If you would like a PDF that you can give to others called “Eight Things to Avoid Saying to a Grieving Parent” click here. It will take you to our library where you can give yourself a password to access over twenty downloadable helpful items for pareavors.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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God Does Not Say He Will Give Us Joy for our Grief

Many of us are familiar with Isaiah 61:3 that tells us God will give us the oil of joy for our mourning.

Did you know there is a difference between mourning and grief? Mourning is the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died. Grief is what we think and feel on the inside when our child (or someone we love) dies. It is the loneliness, the fear, depression, emptiness, etc. Mourning is the outward expression of our grief, the act of sorrowing.

This is huge because I always thought this verse meant that God would replace my grief with joy, but that is not what He is saying.

If you are like me, the death of my daughter, Becca, became my identity. When I met someone, I wanted to introduce myself as, “Hi, I’m Laura, and my daughter died.” I wanted people to know what I was going through and how much pain I was in.

I believe this is what God was talking about in this verse. He is saying that he will take away our need to express our grief. We will grieve for the rest of our lives, but we won’t always mourn. We will not always have a need to constantly express the pain of our loss.

I want to point out that joy and laughter are still important in our lives. The physical healing that takes place in our bodies with a good laugh is incredible. God is the one who created our bodies to respond to laughter, which means happiness is important to Him!

Psalm 2:4 says that God sits on His throne and laughs.

Ecclesiastes 3:4 tells us there is a time to laugh.

In Job 8:21 we read He will fill our mouths with laughter.

I am not saying this to imply that we are to live from a place of happiness and laughter with our child gone. What I am saying is that God wants to replace your mourning – your expression of the pain of missing your child – with His Spirit, to eventually be able to express joy and even happiness for the good things that are still in your life (and are yet to come).

The first step we need to take is to believe having joy in our lives again is even possible, and then to actually want it back in our lives. Joy comes from a place of hope. Proverbs 10:28 (ESV) says, The hope of the righteous brings joy.

The final enemy to be defeated is death itself, and that is something to look forward to and get excited about. This means that instead of the outward expression of missing our child, it is possible to carry the outward expression of our excitement of seeing them again!

Can you start to see how it is possible for God to give us the oil of joy for our mourning?

There is joy on the other side of our pain. But you don’t have to wait for the fullness of it until you are with your child again, because right now, God wants to give you the oil of joy for your mourning.

Now may God, the fountain of hope, fill you to overflowing with uncontainable joy and perfect peace as you trust in him. And may the power of the Holy Spirit continually surround your life with his super-abundance until you radiate with hope! Romans 15:13 (TPT)

This was only part of a recent episode of the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast. To listen to it in its entirety directly on the GPS Hope website, click here. If you would like to listen to it on the GPS Hope YouTube channel, click here. Or you can find it (Grieving Parents Sharing Hope: Episode 182) on your favorite listening app.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Four Ways to Help Yourself During the Holiday Season

We all know the end-of-the-year holidays can leave one frazzled, but they can be outright brutal when dealing with deep grief at the same time.

Many of us have become experts at putting the needs of others ahead of our own, allowing ourselves to suffer physically, emotionally and spiritually (with all kinds of excuses and ways of justifying it to ourselves). And we often pay a high price in the end.

Let’s not do that to ourselves this year. Let’s do the smart thing for everyone around us, and “put the oxygen mask on ourselves first,” so that we are better equipped to do things for others.

The short version of the four easy ways to pamper yourself

1. Listen to music
2. Make sure you are drinking water
3. Cut out activities
4. Treat yourself

Listen to music

God created music to be a pathway to our souls. Of course, we have an enemy who is very good at using anything, including music, to affect us in a negative way. (And many Bible scholars believe he was created as a musician in heaven before he was cast out, based on studies of the meaning of verses like Ezekiel 28:13, and he now specifically uses music to pull us away from God and Truth instead of worshiping the One who deserves it all.)

Music can either pull us up or make us sink into a pit of darkness. And if we are honest with ourselves, sometimes in our grief, we purposely choose dark music that will take us further down the path of depression.

If you are weary and need some energy, put on music that will make your toes want to tap, even if just on the inside.

Tip: When you don’t “feel” like it, is usually when you need to do it the most. So just go for it. What have you got to lose?

If you are in a place of darkness and need peace and hope, I highly encourage you to listen to music that will draw you out of that darkness. It may be just instrumental music. It might be songs of hope, or songs about heaven. You know what kind of songs are the pathway to your soul, which will lift you up and give you the needed inner healing balm.

When the house is either empty or quiet for the night, grab your favorite warm beverage, sit in a comfy chair and let the music just wash over your soul.

Tip: I have a variety of play lists on YouTube, as the songs for that needed oomph or for calmness in my storm can change from day-to-day.

Water

I am not going to say too much about this, except to remind you that we don’t realize how dehydrated we get and how that wreaks havoc on our bodies and emotions. Just some of the symptoms are headaches, low energy, lack of focus, poor digestion, mood swings, muscle fatigue and dizziness (which is a symptom that has plagued me in the past until I started drinking more water).

And this time of year, we tend to drink more of other beverages like eggnog, soda, wine, etc. causing us to drink even less water than normal.

Tip: Fill up four water bottles first thing in the morning. Make sure you keep one with you at all times, sipping on it throughout the day. If you drink all four water bottles by the end of your day, you will find yourself starting to feel much better. It is truly amazing how getting more water into our bodies will affect us!

Cut out activities

There are some things we think we “need” to do, that we really don’t. If you are continuing something because you are either being pressured or are concerned what other people will think if you don’t participate, that is the WRONG reason to keep going. I mean it! And that includes things like Sunday night or mid-week church services. Yes, I said it. If these things are draining you right now, and you dread going, don’t let people guilt you into it.

If you are grieving, you are in recovery. And quite often, recovery means staying home and taking care of yourself. It’s okay and I give you full permission. Don’t continue doing things that take up time and energy that you just don’t have right now.

Tip: Realize that unsolicited opinions of others who are not in deep grief just don’t matter at this point.

Treat yourself

I don’t mean to an extra cookie or a glass of eggnog. I mean something that makes you feel pampered and relaxed, like going out for a massage or a pedicure, or going to a professional Christmas concert/show like The Nutcracker.

Taking some time to treat ourselves triggers a message in our brains that we are valuable and allows us to enjoy ourselves, even if just for an hour or two. This self-care can go a long way in helping us through some of the darker moments of the season.

Tip: If you don’t have the finances to treat yourself in this way, when someone asks what you want for Christmas, let them know how much you want an early gift of a massage or a pedicure to help you make through to December 25th.

 

I know I have already shared four things, but please allow me to throw in one more, as an added bonus.

Take a warm bath

Let me rephrase that: Soak in a hot bath with Epsom salts, burning aromatherapy candles and playing soft music. Much better!
You may tell yourself that you just don’t have time to do something like that, or that it isn’t worth the time and energy to go to all that trouble.

I know, because I have talked myself out of it way too many times. But this is truly something that can be pushed from the luxury column to the necessity column in your life. It affects so many areas when we are over-maxed and over-stressed. And what a way to end your day! Just thinking about it makes me feel more relaxed.

Tip: Plan this a few days ahead, letting your family know. The anticipation will make it all the more wonderful when you climb in.
This time of year can be wonderful and magical, but for many, it is dreaded and draining, especially those who are in deep grief, like a parent who has lost a child. We just want to sleep through it all and wake up in January.

 

I hope these suggestions will help you make it through with a bit more peace and give you a spark of light in your time of darkness.

Would you like more suggestions to help you pamper and take care of yourself? Get a list of thirty ideas sent straight to your email by submitting it below. (This is written specifically for grieving parents but can easily be adapted for any deep loss.)

Yes, please send me Thirty Suggestions to Help Bring Ourselves Comfort and Take Care of Ourselves Body, Soul, and Spirit.

If you are a bereaved parent and would like to connect with others in a meaningful way this Christmas season, join me live on Facebook each Sunday evening as we light a candle and I share a word of encouragement within the pain of not having our child during the holiday season. Just click here for more information.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.

This blog is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

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