When God’s love feels distant after child loss, it can be difficult to understand how He could love us and still allow our child to die. We may have prayed for protection or healing, believing He would intervene, and now we are left trying to make sense of a life that we never wanted.

Last week’s podcast episode made me think again about a poem called “The Weaving.” It compares our lives to a tapestry, with God seeing the finished picture while we see only the tangled threads on the underside. There are parts of the poem that offer a meaningful picture, but there are also words that can be hard to hear when our child has died.

When the threads don’t make sense

The poem ends by saying God gives “the very best” to those who leave the choice to Him. I am going to be honest with you. When I first started sharing this poem at various places where I spoke, I left out those lines because I knew how painful they could sound to a grieving parent.

For many of us, especially in those early months and years, it can be almost impossible to hear that God gives us “the very best” when our child is no longer here. There are no words to describe this horrific pain, and we would much rather have our child back. I totally understand that longing. There are still occasional times when I have sobbed, wishing Becca was still here with me again.           

I also don’t believe that His love and care are things we earn by “having enough faith” or accepting what has happened without a struggle.

There is a story about a little girl who visits a woman weaving a tapestry. Standing behind the loom, the girl sees tangled threads and dark knots. But when the woman invites her around to the other side, she can see a beautiful picture taking shape.

The illustration reminds us that our view is limited, but in real life we don’t usually get to walk around to the other side. We are still here, trying to understand what is in front of us while missing our child more than words can express. And if you are thinking, “I would still rather have my child than a beautiful tapestry,” I understand. I have had those same thoughts.

When God’s love feels distant after child loss

I recently heard a statement that made me stop and think: “In the absence of clarity, there is an invitation for intimacy with Him.”

Clarity is often the very thing we are asking for. We want to know why our child died, why our prayers were not answered the way we hoped or why God did not intervene. Those questions matter deeply, and some may remain with us for the rest of our lives. But even where He has not given us an explanation, I believe He is still inviting us to know Him.

When God’s love feels distant after child loss, that may begin with an honest conversation: “God, I thought I knew You, but I don’t understand You right now. I don’t know how to trust You after what happened.” I believe we can bring Him those words, because we are bringing Him what is actually in our hearts.

Naomi’s grief and God’s continued care

Naomi is one of the parents I write about in The Bible’s Grieving Parents. After losing her husband and both of her sons, she returned to her homeland and told people to call her Mara, which means bitter. She said she had gone away full and the Lord had brought her back empty.

We read Naomi’s story knowing what eventually happened, but she did not know the ending. She was a bereaved mother trying to live after the deaths of both of her children, and from where she stood, her life looked empty. Yet Ruth was beside her, loving her and refusing to leave her. Even while Naomi was expressing how abandoned she felt, there was care present that she could not yet fully recognize.

That brings me comfort, especially when God’s love feels distant after child loss. Naomi’s sons were still gone, and nothing that happened later replaced them. But their deaths were not the end of every good thing she would ever experience. Perhaps that is something we can gently hold onto, even if we cannot imagine yet what goodness could look like in our own lives.

Bringing God the tangled threads

When our child has died, it can be hard to imagine that life could ever hold anything good again. We may wonder how we could possibly want to live fully while someone we love so deeply is missing from our lives. But I have learned that missing Becca and finding moments of joy can exist in the same heart, even though I could not always see how that would be possible.

As a pareavor, you can bring God the tangled threads without having to figure out the pattern. You can tell Him what hurts, how much you miss your child, and where you are struggling to see His love. When God’s love feels distant after child loss, you can ask Him to meet you right where you are, even if you are not sure what that will look like.

We may never understand every thread in this life, but I believe we can come to know the One who holds us through it all. And little by little, even in the absence of clarity, we may begin to walk in more intimacy with Him, recognizing His love and care in places where we once could see only the tangled threads.

For more of this conversation, including hearing the poem “The Weaving”, (along with thoughts about the poem), Naomi’s story, and how differently grieving parents may express their pain, (based on the book Come Grieve Through Our Eyes) listen to podcast episode 372. Click here of the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast, “When God’s Love Is Hard to See After Child Loss.”

Child Loss Support Bundle (Includes Come Grieve Through Our Eyes and The Bible’s Grieving Parents)

Child Loss Support & Hope Collection (Includes Come Grieve Through Our Eyes, The Bible’s Grieving Parents and When Tragedy Strikes)

Sign up for the Free GPS Hope Library

Find out more about The GPS Hope Grief Cruise in October, 2027.

Free printable guide: Rebuilding Your Life: A Gentle Guide Toward Hope and Healing After Child Loss.

Download our FREE GUIDE. Rebuilding Your Life: A Gentle Guide Toward Hope and Healing After Child Loss. Discover gentle encouragement for your broken heart, practical support for the days ahead, and hope that meets you right where you are.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope. 

How do we trust a God who could have stopped our child from dying, but didn’t? That is a question so many of us have wrestled with. We may still believe in Him, but trying to understand His love and goodness after something so devastating can leave us with questions we never thought we would be asking.

I recently had a conversation with Markie Ribera about trusting God after losing all four children. She also lost her mother in the same house fire. As a bereaved parent, you may hear that and immediately think, “I can barely survive losing one child. How is she doing this?” That was part of why I wanted to have her join me on the podcast after we met at an Umbrella Ministries conference.

What I appreciate about Markie is that she does not try to make her story sound less painful than it is. She deeply misses her children. There are things about their deaths that are still very hard to carry. But she also shares how Jesus has met her in that pain, and I believe there is something in her experience that can encourage us in our own struggles.

When Everything Changed in One Morning

Markie and her husband, Carlos, had already been through a lot before the fire. Carlos had nearly died from COVID, his mother had passed away, and a few months later, Markie’s father died as well. Their marriage had been struggling, but they were working things out and coming back together.

On February 11, 2022, they woke up to multiple missed calls from the state police and family members. They were away from home, and Markie’s mother was staying with their four children. At first, all they knew was that their house was on fire.

Markie got in the car and headed toward home. She remembers thinking about her children’s beautiful faces and pleading with God, “Please don’t ask this of me.” When she reached a roadblock near her house, she called Carlos. The police had already reached him, and he was the one who told her that nobody had made it.

Their children were Catherine, who was seven; Caleb, who would have turned six just six days later; Christian, who was four; and Casper, who was two. Markie’s mother died trying to save them. In a matter of moments, Markie had lost her home, her mother, and all four of her children.

Even now, she says it can sometimes feel like a dream. Their house is different, their jobs are different, and their lives are completely different. I think many of us understand that feeling of looking at our lives and barely recognizing them.

Trusting God While Still Deeply Hurting

Something Markie said something during our conversation that I thought was pretty amazing, and I greatly appreciate it. She and Carlos have a hard time when people put them on a pedestal and say they cannot imagine how they are making it. As pareavors, we hear that from others, but Markie hears it from bereaved parents, too.

Her response is that it is not them doing it. It is Jesus through them. They had lost so much, including so many of the people closest to them, that she felt He was the only one they could fully lean on. As she put it, they were “obligated to cling to the only One who matters.”

For Markie, trusting God after losing all four children has meant reaching for Him when she had nothing else to hold on to. That made me stop and think, because we often feel that suffering is when God is farthest away. Yet He promises to be near to the brokenhearted. What if He is closer than we realize, even when everything in us feels otherwise?

We talked about Jesus telling His disciples that they would have trouble in this world, but that they could have peace in Him. It was through Him, through Jesus Himself, that peace would come. We may never find an explanation that settles all our questions, but we can still find peace in His presence.

And having peace does not mean we don’t still hurt intensely. Something God showed me years ago is that pain is in our soul, while peace is a fruit of the Spirit. As we lean on Him, peace can grow in our spirit even while our soul is hurting. Those things can exist together, which is something Markie’s story helps us see.

Remembering Our Children Are No Longer Suffering

One of the hardest things for Markie and Carlos is thinking about how their children left this world. I know that is true for many parents. Sometimes, it is not only their absence that torments us, but remembering or imagining what they experienced before they died.

Markie shared that what has helped her find peace is picturing Jesus with each of her children that night. She could not have held all four of them at once, but He could be with every one of them. She believes He was holding them in their suffering, and that He cried with them because He loved them even more than she did.

Now she pictures Him holding her as she cries because they are no longer here. As we talked, I  thought about how He can hold our children and hold us at the same time. There is something precious about that picture.

It also brought us to something we may need to remind ourselves of: our children are not still suffering. We can replay what happened over and over in our minds, putting ourselves through the torment again. Some of our children had long illnesses, and we have painful memories of what they endured. But that is not where they are now. Compared to eternity, their suffering was a moment. We are still here remembering it, while they are beyond that pain.

Listening to Markie talk about trusting God after losing all four children reminded me that peace can sometimes come through changing what we picture. Instead of only seeing what happened, we can ask God to help us remember where our children are now, and Who is holding them.

Receiving Good Without Calling Our Loss Good

Markie relates deeply to Job, who also lost all of his children. But she talked about things she has that Job did not have in the same way. She has the example of Jesus, the Scriptures readily available to her, and the Holy Spirit living within her. She also still has her health, and she and Carlos are closer than ever.

As we talked about Job and the beautiful things God can bring into a devastated life, Markie shared about the three children she and Carlos have welcomed since the fire (which includes twin boys). She sees goodness in her family, her marriage and the opportunities she now has to share Jesus with others. But then she said something I think many of us need to hear.

She loves her life today, but she never would have chosen to trade the world that had Catherine, Caleb, Christian and Casper in it for this world. And now, she could not choose to give up the children she has here, either. She loves all of them.

Before becoming pregnant again, she wished she could have a time machine. But once she knew another child was coming, she realized that she would love that child just as much as the others. Her children would all be together in eternity, even though they would not all be together here.

This is such an important part of what Markie shares about trusting God after losing all four children. Receiving something good does not make our loss worth it. It does not replace the children we love or take away how deeply we miss them. We can be thankful for what is here today and still wish with everything in us that our child was here to share it.

When Life Looks Like Tangled Threads

Toward the end of our conversation, Markie mentioned the poem “The Weaving,” made well known by Corrie ten Boom. It describes how we see the underside of a weaving, with its knots and tangled threads, while God sees the picture from above.

That speaks to me, because so much of life after child loss feels like looking at those tangled threads and wondering how any of it could ever make sense. We can appreciate the picture in that poem and still wish the dark threads were never part of our lives. Let me also add that I don’t believe we are dealing with “foolish pride” for struggling with what is in front of us. Our pain is real, and God understands why we have questions.

I don’t know how much He will explain when we are with Him, or whether the questions that feel so urgent now will still matter in the same way. But I believe we will see His love more fully than we can today. Until then, we can bring Him the tangled threads without having to figure out the pattern ourselves.

There is much more to my conversation with Markie about trusting God after losing all four children than I can share here. To hear her introduce her children, talk more about her faith and share how their memory continues through her ministry, Keep Going Really, listen to the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode, “Trusting God After Losing All Four Children: Markie’s Story.” (You can also hear me read “The Weaving” that Markie referred to.

You don’t have to see the whole picture to ask Jesus to help you get through today. Even if all you can say is, “Please help me,” you can bring Him your broken heart and ask Him to meet you right where you are.

NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 371. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

Markie Ribera’s website: keepgoingreally.com

Child Loss Support Bundle (Includes Come Grieve Through Our Eyes and The Bible’s Grieving Parents)

Child Loss Support & Hope Collection (Includes Come Grieve Through Our Eyes, The Bible’s Grieving Parents and When Tragedy Strikes)

Sign up for the Free GPS Hope Library

Find out more about The GPS Hope Grief Cruise in October, 2027.

Free printable guide: Rebuilding Your Life: A Gentle Guide Toward Hope and Healing After Child Loss.

Download our FREE GUIDE. Rebuilding Your Life: A Gentle Guide Toward Hope and Healing After Child Loss. Discover gentle encouragement for your broken heart, practical support for the days ahead, and hope that meets you right where you are.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope.