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Trusting God When It Doesn’t Make Sense

I recently had Linda Dillow as a guest on the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast. Linda and her husband, Jody, served eighteen years on the mission field, with most of them being behind the iron curtain during Communism, working with leaders of the underground church. Linda faced many dark and frightening circumstances during that time.

They now live in Colorado. During the height of the COVID pandemic, she found herself fighting a different set of dark and frightening circumstances, as she had two daughters battling cancer on opposite ends of the country. Because of rare genetics, one will have this cancer monster hanging over her for the rest of her life, and the other only lived for a few months after being diagnosed.

Linda has had to go back to what the Lord has taught her over the years, digging even deeper into what it means to trust God when something so painful as the death of our child does not make sense.

How Often Have You Studied the Book of Habakkuk?

Habakkuk is a small, often overlooked book in the Bible, but it is one we can turn to when faced with painful circumstances that do not make sense. Linda has turned to it many times over the years, but especially during this time of painful turmoil.

We first find Habakkuk crying out to God to deliver the nation of Israel from their wandering away from Him which had led them to a place of violence, depravity and injustice. The book opens with him crying out, “How long, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen?”  (Sound familiar?)

God’s answer of deliverance made no sense in the natural mind, because it was to send the most brutal nation in the world at the time, to take over and rule the nation of Israel, even removing them from the Promised Land God had led them to, taking them as slaves into Babylon.

God’s “cure” certainly looked much worse than the disease. Because Habakkuk knew the character of God, God’s solution baffled him. But instead of getting angry at God and demanding answers to his whys, he waited. He waited to see how God would answer him.

Not only that, but Habakkuk did something amazing. He said he would also wait to see how he would answer when God corrected him! (Habakkuk 2:1)

What???

As I already stated, Habakkuk knew God’s character, which meant he also knew that he was looking at God’s solution through his own eyes of humanity when it didn’t make any sense. Why would God make it worse, instead of better? He wanted to see what God saw. Habakkuk was asking to see the end results instead of the immediate pain and suffering they were going to have to go through that made no sense whatsoever, as the answer to his prayers.

The Question “Why?”

Let me say this again in a different way, because it is crucial for us to understand what is happening here.

Habakkuk did not ask God “why” because he thought God was wrong and was demanding that God explain Himself. He asked why because he knew that he was wrong in not trusting what God was doing and wanted God to correct him. Instead of being angry and blaming God for making things worse, he invited God into his thoughts by saying, “I don’t understand what You are doing, but I know that You are right and faithful in all things. Please speak to me and correct me so that my thoughts line up with your thoughts, even in the horrible pain of what you are allowing in my life.”

Habakkuk wasn’t looking for answers, he was looking for peace. Answers don’t give us peace. Placing the painful mess in God’s all-knowing, loving hands and choosing to trust Him to walk with us through the darkness will.

The short three-chapter book ends with Habakkuk surrendering to God’s plan, even when it brings more pain, is a way to bring about the end result of freedom and being back in a trusting relationship with a loving and faithful God.

It doesn’t feel that way in the pain, though, does it? It seems like God is anything but loving and faithful!

Even Jesus felt that way when hanging on the cross. In His pain and suffocating darkness, He cried out, “Father, why have you left me and turned your back on me?”

It comes down to making a choice. Are we going to choose that God is wrong, and I can no longer trust Him? Or are we going to choose to realize that there is no way I can understand the greatness of God because I cannot see the final outcome, and even though I don’t understand why He has allowed the death of my child to happen, knowing how much pain and darkness I would be in, I am going to continue to trust in His character and His love for me and my child.

Final thought…

The book of Habakkuk ends with him making this declaration (Habakkuk 3:17-18 NIV):

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls

yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

Here is verse 18 in several different versions.

  • I will rejoice in the Lord. I will rejoice in the God of my deliverance. (CEB)
  • even then, I will be happy with the Lord. I will truly find joy in God, who saves me. (GW)
  • yet I will have joy in the Lord. I will be glad in the God Who saves me. (NLV)
  • Then I will stillrejoice in the Eternal! I will rejoice in the God who saves me! (VOICE)

…And my personal favorite…

  • Counting on God’s Rule to prevail, I take heart and gain strength. (MSG)

As you read it again below, fill in the blanks with your own words Maybe even write it out as your own declaration as a reminder that you are choosing to trust Him when you cannot see the outcome.

Though the _________________________ and there are no ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________,
though the _____________________________ fails and the _______________________________
though there are no __________________________ and no _____________________________

yet I will ____________________ in the Lord, I will ________________________ in God ____________________.

If you are not at a point where you can do something like this, it’s okay. It can take two or three years before we can begin to see any hope that something like this is even possible. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you get there, and then give yourself lots of grace during the process. It can be a long journey, and it is not one you have to walk alone.  We can walk it together.

 

 

Part of this blog was taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast, Episode 195: Trusting God When It Doesn’t Make Sense. This was part one of Laura’s talk with Linda Dillow. The second half can be found here: Episode 196: A Declaration of Hope After Child Loss.

As shared above, you do not have to walk this journey alone. If you would like to be part of the GPS Hope community, the best place to start is by asking to receive Laura’s Weekly Word of Hope. You will also receive information on other resources provided by GPS Hope and can unsubscribe at any time.

 

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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How to Help a Grieving Parent

I have been doing a series on the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast of parents in the Bible who had a child die. It has been a fascinating study, seeing these historical events through the eyes of someone who has also had a child die.

What has really amazed me is how much is “hidden” that I have never realized was there in each child’s death, that bereaved parents can either grab ahold of, or let go of, in their grief journey.

The first death in the Bible was Adam and Eve not only having their child die, but it was at the hands of another son! I cannot even begin to imagine what a double whammy that would be like – to have one of my children murder my other child!

I have also shared about the baby of David and Bathsheba’s who died (making King Solomon a “rainbow baby”). Last week I talked about Mary, the mother of Jesus, who was told when Jesus was just an infant that a sword would pierce her soul. (Wow! Can we bereaved parents ever relate to that!!!)

This week I am studying Job, who lost all ten of his children at the same time! Once again, I am amazed to see how much is there that we pareavors can lean into.

One of the things I have seen so clearly with Job’s story, is something I would like to share with you.

Job’s friends started out right. They sat with him for seven days in silence, just being with him in his grief, but then they started to offer him solutions (out of their own ignorance). In fact, by the end, God told three of them to go to Job and offer burnt sacrifices and have Job pray for them. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly (Job 42:7-8 NIV).

Let’s look at a couple of other scriptures.

Romans 12:15 is a pretty familiar one to most of us. Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.  Some translations say mourn with those who mourn.

Here is one we aren’t quite as familiar with. Prov. 25:20 states, Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart (NIV). 

Here it is in a different translation. When you sing a song of joy to someone suffering in the deepest grief and heartache, it can be compared to disrobing in the middle of a blizzard or rubbing salt in a wound (TPT).

There is a reason I am sharing these verses with you.

I want to help you know how to truly minister to someone who is grieving a deep loss.

Because we love and care for that person, we want to make them feel better, so we offer our best solution, which usually starts with “At least…”

  • At least you still have your other children
  • At least you know she’s in a better place
  • At least you can be happy for her because she is healed now
  • At least you got to have him for 19 years

That doesn’t make us feel better. It’s pouring vinegar (or salt) on our open gaping wound. It is making us feel totally exposed in the freezing cold blizzard of our painful loss.

Saying those kinds of things is like being Job’s comforters. They had never experienced what Job was going through, but for some reason, they decided they had the answers he needed.

Which brings up another thing some people do, thinking it helps the person grieving.

I know how you feel because I lost my ___________.

I get it. We are trying to relate to that person who is in deep grief with our deepest loss. But that just doesn’t help, especially if it isn’t even a similar loss such as, I know how you feel in losing your child because I cried for six months when my grandpa died. (Yes, I have heard that…)

One thing I have noticed is that bereaved parents very rarely tell even another grieving parent, I know how you feel, even if they lost their child the same way. We just seem to understand that our relationship with our child and the depth of the loss is so unique, that I don’t know how you feel about your loss. I know how I felt. I know the darkness I went through and how I didn’t want to live anymore for a while, etc. But that doesn’t mean I know how you feel.

Then there are the statements such as: 

  • You are so strong. I couldn’t go through what you are going through. (Say what? That makes it sound like I chose to have this loss. Believe me, I am not strong, just because you see me barely surviving.)
  • God needed another angel, so He took your child (spouse, etc.). (Newsflash: God doesn’t kill people on earth to fill an angel roster in heaven. What an awful thought!)
  • God says He won’t give us more than we can handle. (That is not in the Bible. There is a verse that says He won’t let us be tempted more than we can bear and will provide a way of escape in 1 Corinthians 10:13. In fact, we are told when life is more than we can handle that He will be our Rock, our Fortress, Our Deliver, Our Anchor, etc.)
Don’t beat yourself up if you have heard yourself say any of those things I have mentioned!

I didn’t know either, until my daughter, Becca, died. It makes me wonder how often I was like Job’s comforters, trying to offer my best solution to something I thought would help the person in deep pain, when I didn’t know what I was talking about.

So, what do I say instead?

Most often, nothing!

Let them know how sorry you are. Give them a hug, and just be with them. You can also look around to see what they need and make sure it gets done.

If you tell them, “Let me know If you need anything,” don’t expect us to contact you. After the death of our child, most of the time we don’t know what we need. If we do know, we aren’t usually going to make the effort to find someone who can help us with whatever it is. It’s just not in us – physically, emotionally, and often even spiritually. We don’t want to be around peppy people who want to try and make us feel better or fix us. We don’t want to be a burden. We are lost, confused, and in so much pain. We just want to know someone cares enough to:

  • Weep with us and hold our hand while we weep
  • Let us talk about our loss, maybe even go to the cemetery with us
  • Bring a meal for our family 2 months later, well beyond the 2-week supply from the church
  • Clean our house or do some of the laundry
  • Go for a walk with us, not with chatter that drains us, but allow us to feel what we need to feel in the silence
  • Share memories and look at pictures with us if we feel compelled to do so
  • Take our car and put gas in it for us, or if needed, have the oil changed, put new wiper blades on, etc.
  • Bless us by having a quilt made from our child’s T-shirts, or have a 3-D glass picture made from our favorite picture taken with our child, or something uniquely special we can treasure

And most importantly, to allow us to TALK ABOUT OUR CHILD. We are so afraid people will forget about him or her. One of the greatest gifts you can give a parent whose child has died it the gift of talking about their child with them.

You can also gently point them to places that have support and resources specifically for grieving parents. You may not be able to relate to their loss, but there are those who can, and who want to walk with them through the suffocating darkness of child-loss; those who have been in that place and can give them hope that it is possible to get through it to the other side and have hope and light again in their lives.

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is one of those places. Some of the resources we have to offer are:
  • A weekly podcast
  • A weekly YouTube video
  • A weekly Word of Hope delivered by email
  • A monthly blog
  • Several award-winning books, including a coloring book/journal
  • A webpage with a free library of downloadable helpful resources
  • A monthly Share & Care online fellowship group

Just sent them to gpshope.org where they can poke around and find what is helpful to them.

There is something for you there as well. Just click on the front-page article I Know a Grieving Parent. You will find more there to help you understand some specific things a parent is dealing with after the death of their child, so you can even more effectively be a strength and support to them.

I pray this has been helpful. Thank you so much for wanting to know how to help a devastated parent who has lost their child from this earth. Your loving support means more to us than we will ever be able to put into words.

There are more things than were able to be mentioned in this article. If you would like to receive the PDF of Eight Things to Avoid and Eight Things to Do For a Grieving Parent, just submit your name and email address below. (It will put you on our mailing list to receive updates about GPS Hope and stories about those we are helping, but you can unsubscribe any time you no longer want to receive them.)

 

Laura Diehl is an award-winning author, national speaker and singer. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests.

If you would like to receive monthly updates on their travel adventures click here and submit your name and email at the bottom of the page.

Looking for a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference? Click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook and subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel for grieving parents.

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Celebrating One Year in the Hope Mobile!

This month is very special: It’s the one-year anniversary of GPS Hope being a completely transportable national ministry!

What a journey this has been, both figuratively and literally! Learning how to live in a 420 square foot house on wheels full-time, to be able to offer support and resources to grieving parents, has been both interesting and rewarding.

First was the downsizing. Um, yeah… taking 35 years of married and family life and deciding what was going with us, what was being stored, and what we were parting ways with, was a huge project. Every drawer, every closet, every box and bin, the garage, the basement, the attic, the shed… every nook and cranny had to be picked apart and decisions made. Good thing I found the Kan Marie method before tackling all of that!

On October 24th, I followed my husband, Dave, with the car to our local RV shop to have them add the tow dolly onto the motor home. They had Dave watch them hook everything up and then directed me as I drove the car up onto it. Now, instead of 38 feet long, we were 58 feet in length. 

With no chance for Dave to practice, we pulled out for the first leg of our six-month trip. And let me say I have been amazed and super impressed at how well Dave drives and maneuvers this thing!

I distinctly remember sitting in the passenger seat, looking behind me, and thinking how surreal it was that Dave was driving our house! (And even after a year, I still feel that way most of the time.)

Many of you have asked how this first year has been, living full-time in a motor home. Honestly, the transition went even better than we thought it would and it has been an extremely rewarding year!

But even though this first year in the Hope Mobile has gone great, I realize there are three things that got lost in the transition that I need to get back into my life, which will make this next year even better. I figured I would share them with you, just in case anyone reading this could use the encouraging reminder of making room for these things in your life as well.

Please note: If you are a grieving parent in those first few years, remember that we are several years down the road on this grief journey, which means we have fought our way out of the worst of the pain and darkness of the earthly loss of our daughter. It will probably take lots of time and persistence, depending on where you are in your own journey, to implement needed things back into your life.

#1. Know that there are times it’s okay to just rest

We need to realize that just like someone who has had major surgery has to have time to do nothing but rest and recover, we need to rest and recover from the “surgery” of our child being cut off from us, or whatever deep loss has come our way. And it isn’t a matter of “getting the victory” over it (which I felt guilty in the past for not being able to do, in grieving the death of my daughter, Becca – crazy isn’t it?).

Experts say that parents who have had their child die have been through a trauma, and many of us have PTSD, based on the circumstances of our child’s death. That means we need lots of rest. So, if you feel like you just can’t function, that’s okay and normal. Take it easy and give yourself lots of grace.

It is easy for me to convince myself that people are counting on me, so I must stay on top of making sure I have helpful content and stay consistent with what I put out there to give pareavors hope, not giving myself the same grace that I tell others to give to themselves.

I need to remember I am in this for the long-haul, and that keeping up with doing things the “right way” (taught by experts on the business side, which every ministry has) doesn’t always work for the unique ministry of GPS Hope. There are simply times I need a break for my own grief or need a time of rest to be able to effectively minister to other pareavors in theirs.

I know you will totally understand why this blog came out late (and probably didn’t even notice that it did…) and give me grace for it. I need to get better at giving it to myself, and not think I have to push myself harder when I really need to just rest.

#2. Taking communion

When I had my little prayer room under the basement stairs (in the house we sold to my son), I kept matzo crackers and grape juice handy so that I could occasionally have a time of reflection of what the death of Jesus personally means to me, especially after Becca’s death.

It was always a meaningful time that often came with tears, as I allowed the Holy Spirit to remind me how deeply God loves me.

It is mind boggling that He came to this crappy world for the purpose of dying an excruciatingly painful and shameful death, so that I would not have to be permanently separated from Becca and eventually my other children, my grandchildren, Dave, our parents, my sister and others I love deeply. He also did it to set me free from the chains the enemy puts on me while here on this earth!

I brought the matzo crackers with me, and we always have grape juice, but I can’t think of a single time I have taken communion in the Hope Mobile. I definitely need to get back to doing this!

If you have never had your own personal communion time, thinking it must be served to you by church leadership, let me just say that idea cannot be supported anywhere in the Scriptures. I encourage you to use whatever you have available and allow God to minister to you in a deeply personal way as you remember His death, burial and resurrection through taking communion.

#3. Music

I am embarrassed to say this, but I just don’t turn on the praise or worship music like I used to. I know (and used to teach entire sessions in children’s ministry trainings) that God created music to be a pathway to our soul.

Music moves us, and music changes us. It affects our brains and our souls, which in turn effects our thoughts, our beliefs, and our emotions, which in turn affects our actions.

As you can imagine, our passion for supporting parents who have lost a child can be a heavy load as we walk with those who are in such a dark and painful place, especially as this is our full-time ministry. Dave and I have to continually make sure we do not get trapped back under that heaviness, so we can effectively offer hope and healing to the parents God connects us with.

Putting on uplifting music is one of the easiest and fastest ways to do this. Even though I have play lists on YouTube to help with this, I have not turned to music often enough, and looking back I can see there were times I should have.

Speaking of looking back, it has truly been an amazing year. Here are just some of the highlights:

  • One of our favorite things to do since living in the Hope Mobile has been to meet up with parents across the country and share a meal together. We are honored to be a safe place to hear their story, share their tears and laughter, and talk about how our children are probably excited that we finally met each other!
  • Speaking at both local and national events in places like North Carolina, Virginia, Florida, St. Louis, and here in Wisconsin. We were able to minister to literally hundreds of grieving parents, helping to guide them to a place of hope, light and purpose after the death of their child.
  • Adding “In Loving Memory” hearts on the Hope Mobile has also been a joy! We are so very blessed to take these children on the road with us so that anyone who sees our house on wheels also sees all the precious children who are still in the hearts of their parents. (We also have smaller hearts for many other loved ones who are no longer here on this earth.)
  • Starting the weekly Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast almost instantly became our greatest outreach, with hundreds listening to each episode. It takes several hours of both my and Dave’s time to put out each week but is so worth it, based on the amount of feedback we get on how a specific episode has helped a desperate parent. (These emails and comments have brought many tears and much rejoicing!)

Finally, Dave and I want to thank many of YOU for your support in time, talent, and resources. We’re so excited about the next six months as we prepare to pull out for the next 6,000 miles on October 17th, and we can assure you that your investment in GPS Hope is reaping incredible returns for the glory of God.

 

If you are a bereaved parent, you can have your child mentioned on the GPS Hope podcast, the week of his or her birthday. Just click here to send us the information. 

Would you like to follow us as we travel the nation in the Hope Mobile, giving support and resources to bereaved parents? Just submit your name and email  to get exciting updates.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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Finding the Real Us

Growing up, one of my favorite stories was The Velveteen Rabbit. In fact, I named one of my own stuffed bunnies Velveteen, and would often sleep with it at night. (I memorized a list of all my stuffed animals, and gave each one a turn sleeping with me, cuddled in my arms, so none of them would feel left out. I can still run through that list in my head, almost fifty years later. I will spare sharing with you the names of my 13 cuddle-mates…)

Just a few years ago, I found a beautiful condensed “read-aloud” version of the book, so I purchased it to be able to share it with my grandkids. When we moved into the Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) I had to go through a life-time collection of two shelves of children’s books, deciding which ones to get rid of and which ones to keep. Only eight of those books found a place in our house on wheels, and that copy of The Velveteen Rabbit is one of them.

In case you aren’t familiar with the story, this little “fat and bunchy” stuffed bunny with spotted brown and white velveteen fur and pink sateen ears, becomes a boy’s favorite toy, which he talks to, plays with, and of course cuddles with each night. The bunny thinks he is real, because the boy tells the nanny his beloved bunny is real when she thinks he is making too much fuss over a toy. Eventually, the boy becomes sick with scarlet fever, and the well-worn and much-loved bunny is taken with the bedding to be burned. A real tear trickles down the face of the bunny, which immediately grows a flower with a fairy in it. Because the bunny was so loved and was real to the boy, she turns the velveteen Rabbit into a real live bunny, to live with the others he met earlier who made fun of him for not being real.

Looking back, I had no idea what the meaning of that story would have to me, after the death of our oldest daughter, Becca.

Let me share an exchange in the nursery between the wise old Skin Horse and the Rabbit.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day…

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you… It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time… Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” (The Velveteen Rabbit by Marjorie Williams)

There are several similarities in this story, to my journey of being a pareavor  (a parent who has been bereaved of my child).

• It reminds me that working through our grief is a process; a journey. And it definitely doesn’t happen all at once. It takes a long time… years, as a matter-of-fact.

• “He hasn’t got any hind legs! He doesn’t smell right!” the wild rabbit exclaimed, jumping backwards. “He isn’t a rabbit at all! He isn’t real!” This is the reaction the live rabbits had one day when Rabbit was on the ground while his boy played. I don’t know about you, but many of us feel like the people around us just don’t get it. They don’t validate our loss, because we are so different than they are. They hop away and leave us, not understanding why we are the way we are.

• It is a story of going from being ugly to being real; from being who I was, thinking I was “real,” to being who I am now, on the other side of the suffocating darkness after Becca’s death. As I came out of the darkness and back into a place of hope and light, I began to see myself differently and I began to see others differently, along with a depth I didn’t have before. And that is a good thing.

• The Velveteen Rabbit is also a story of hope. He went from a place of devastation and being thrown away as useless to becoming real. I certainly felt devastated and totally useless. I felt like my soul died when my daughter died. But I didn’t stay that way. And you won’t either.

In order to become “real,” like the velveteen Rabbit, we have been taken through a very ugly place. And just like he was taken to a community of other bunnies, we are a community. We are a bunch of broken wounded people, doing life together. We are now traveling with each other on this journey, where we can learn how to become our best self and to become more real than ever before, within the pain and deep earthly loss of our children, not in spite of their death, but because of their life.

The book ends with the boy playing outside the following spring, seeing a rabbit that looks very much like his stuffed bunny that was destroyed.

But he never knew that it really was his own Bunny, come back to look at the child who had first helped him to be Real.

Our children gave us a great gift. The gift to become truly real. I know so many parents who are much further on this journey than I am, who have said they would not want to go back to being the person they were before their child died.

Why would they say that?

Because our child changed us. Both their life and their death.

We tend to look at how dark our life became after their departure, but there are also ways we have grown and are growing (or will grow), because of our brokenness. For me, I tend to not fret over the smaller things as much as I used to. I am much more aware of the present moment, knowing that is really all I have. My compassion for those who are hurting is way more than it ever used to be.

And because Becca had life, there are things she did that taught me something or showed me the way to being a better person, such as watching how she had a way of accepting everyone (whether she agreed with them in life choices and opinions or not) and how she was able to bring so much laughter while she was deathly ill her last 18 months. And watching Becca live life with only one leg and not letting it limit her, gives me motivation to push through my own difficulties instead of giving in to the obstacles that come my way.

How about you? Some of you may not have gotten to this point yet, because your child’s departure is still too fresh and your grief is still very dark and deep, but is there something you like better about yourself now since your child died? Is it easier to let go of toxic relationships? Are you more aware of what is really important in your life now? Are you now easily able to say “no” when people ask you to do something, when before you always said “yes?” Do you no longer feel guilty about putting your own needs first?

Here is another thought. We often talk about how we are forever changed because our child died, but I want to ask: How are you different now because your child LIVED? What are the new lenses your child’s life gave you, helping you to see the world with a different view than you had before?

As the wise old Skin Horse said: Once you become real, you can never become ugly again.

I would love to have you answer in the comments below this blog. What have you gained through your child’s death? What did your child’s life teach you?

We would like to send you the MP3 download From Pain to Purpose. This is a message Laura Diehl has given at several churches, sharing how God has a plan to take the deepest pain of the loss of your child, and restore your life to one of meaning and purpose once again, if we allow Him to.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

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How Do I Do It?

I am guessing that reading the following sentence will make you want to move on to something else, but I beg you to please read this all the way through because there are so many who desperately need you to understand them. July is National Bereaved Parents Month. There, I said it, now please stay with me to the end of this blog.

Up to this point, I have not even mentioned that fact, even though we have a national ministry to grieving parents. Why haven’t I? Because there are no words to describe what it means to be a bereaved parent.

I can’t put words to the agonizing and tormenting darkness of the pit we were hurled into. Or the gut-wrenching pain of having our child amputated from us with no anesthesia.

There is no way to share how this emptiness never ever leaves us, or how there is a permanent gaping wound that doesn’t even scar but is something we have to constantly nurse and give attention to.

We can’t explain in a way that makes sense why we can’t come  to family events, or “get back to normal.” There is no more normal for us, ever, while we are on this earth. We are now a “before” and “after” person.

Everything is now bittersweet, and quite often more bitter than sweet. We want to celebrate the graduations, the weddings and the precious new births and join the family holiday festivities. And we do, in our own way. But each life event is another slap-in-the-face reminder of who isn’t there and should have been. We can’t help but feel the aching emptiness. And being in a happy place surrounded by people who are celebrating, doesn’t necessarily make us feel better like some people tell us it will, but often just compounds the grief and brings it all back.

When you have a child go away, maybe to camp, or to stay with grandma for a couple of weeks, or go on a mission trip, or head off to college, or move across the country for a job, your heart aches. You won’t be able to be part of their lives on a day-to-day basis. We get it, we really do. It is a valid issue. But please know that it is hard for bereaved parents to hear those around us lament about their child being out of their presence for a while, because you still have access to them through the digital highway. And at some point, you will be with them again. We have none of that. Period. For the rest of our time here on earth.

We will never have a conversation with them to hear their voice. We will never hear them laugh. We will never see their face. We won’t know what they look like two years or ten years or twenty years from now. We will never buy a birthday or Christmas gift for them. We will never hear them say, ”I love you” or be able to give them a hug. EVER… all we have now are memories of who they were…

People tell us we are so strong and that they could never do what we are doing. Well, guess what? We had no choice in this event in our lives, and we aren’t strong! There are times we literally cannot breathe. We can’t even get out of bed. Sometimes a good day is making it to the shower or fixing a meal for our family. And when we have to pour all our energy into being at work for the day, when we get home we fall apart, every single day for a very long time. (I am talking for months and years.)

I have had people tell me someone that they know lost a child a few years ago, but they are doing fine now. It always makes me cringe, because I know they aren’t. You see, it becomes our job to make those around us comfortable with our grief. We have to put on our masks and convince those around us that we are okay, because if we don’t, either people don’t want to be around us, or they try to fix us and tell us we should be doing better by now. So we pretend, so they don’t have to grieve with us.

Did you know that most experts say five years and under is considered fresh grief for a parent who has lost a child (of any age)? And that the death of a child is considered traumatic grief? We are dealing with a literal trauma in our lives. And many of us are also dealing with PTSD, depending on the circumstances, such as seeing our child die or finding their body. Those are images that play in our minds over and over and over again. And as grieving parents, we can’t help but torment ourselves with the “what ifs.”

Yes, we can, and do, at some point figure out how to live with a part of our very being amputated from us. We learn to live our lives around the grief as we daily miss our child, seeing reminders of him or her everywhere we turn. But it takes a long time to figure out how to do that, and we will always be hit with grief triggers for the rest of our lives. If you are with us when that happens, please see it as a sacred place and moment, and know that it is an honor for us to let you in. Let us know it is okay to still miss our child deeply, and show grace, allowing us the time we need to lean into the memories and the grief.

As believers in Christ, we are good at rejoicing with those who rejoice, like Romans 12:15 tells us. But we aren’t very good at the second half of that verse, where we are told to weep with those who weep. (Some versions say to mourn with those who mourn or adds “sharing in their grief.”) And by the way, I notice that God doesn’t tell us to try and fix them if they are mourning for what we think might be too long of a time. He just tells us to join them in their place of sorrow.

If you aren’t sure what to do when you are with a bereaved parent, here is something that might help.

 

Another very special gift you can give to a bereaved parent is to let us talk about our child. Ask us questions about him or her. Let us show you pictures and tell you stories. One of our greatest fears is that people will forget our child lived and that his or her life mattered.

So, to answer the question, “How do I do it?” Even though I am almost eight years into this unwanted bereaved parent journey, sometimes it is still just hanging on one day, one minute, one breath at a time. And I am thankful that I don’t have to choose to either lean on God or to fall apart. I lean on God while I fall apart. I continue to find ways to honor the life and memory of my daughter, Becca. I connect with other parents who are ahead of me on this journey who can encourage me, and I connect with other parents who find themselves behind me on this journey.

I also look for friends who allow me to be who I am now, and not try to hang on to the person I used to be. Unfortunately, there aren’t many out there. Most of them are also bereaved parents who get it.

I don’t take it lightly that you have read this all the way through, and we bereaved parents thank you from the bottom of our shattered hearts. I hope and pray that by reading this, you have a better picture of what our lives are like and can now be one of those needed friends for those of us who are bereaved of our child.

 

 

To receive two free chapters from the book Come Grieve Through Our Eyes: How to Give Comfort and Support to Bereaved Parents, and to be added to our Friends of GPS Hope partners email list, just let us know below where to send them. (Your email address will be kept private.)

 

Laura Diehl is an award-winning author, national speaker and singer. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests.

If you would like to receive monthly updates on their travel adventures click here and submit your name and email at the bottom of the page.

Looking for a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference? Click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook and subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel for grieving parents.

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