When “Why?” Becomes the Wrong Question After Child Loss

After the death of our child, one of the first and most desperate questions we cry out to God is: Why?

Why did this happen to my child?
Why didn’t God stop it?
Why couldn’t I have done something differently, so they’d still be here?

If you’ve asked those questions, you are not alone. Every grieving parent knows the ache of wanting answers. I’ve been there too.

But here’s something I’ve learned on my own grief journey: the “why” question may not be the one that will actually help us heal. In fact, there’s another question we can ask God; one that He delights in answering that can open our hearts to His comfort, love, and even the possibility of hope after losing a child.

Wrestling With “Why” in Grief

When you are grieving the loss of a child, “why” feels like the only thing that matters. We want an explanation that makes the pain make sense.

But most of the time, God doesn’t give us the “why” here on earth. And even if He did, I’m not sure it would feel like enough because it would not make sense in our intense pain and limited understanding from our finite minds. We would probably argue with Him on why His answer isn’t good enough.

At one of our GPS Hope & Healing retreats, I shared something from my book When Tragedy Strikes. I had once heard the phrase:

“Spiritual blessings come wrapped in trials.”

My reaction was, “Well, losing a child is a pretty deep trial to wrap a blessing in!”

And in that moment, I felt God whisper to my heart: “I know… because My Son died. And it was wrapped in the blessing of you.”

That changed something inside me. It didn’t erase the pain, but it did make me determined to hold on to Him as tight as I could until I could start to see some of those blessing in my life, like Jacob did when wrestling the angel in Genesis 32. (Jacob refused to let go until the angel blessed him.)

It also began to shift my focus away from demanding “why” to being willing to ask something else.

Seeing God’s Bigger Picture

Years before Becca died, when fresh out of college, it took a while for my husband, Dave, to get a local job in his career field. The only offer he got was from a nonprofit that paid very little. We seemed to be barely scraping by, with my working as a supervisor at a fast-food restaurant. 

But that job came with incredible medical insurance, which is something we did not know that we would desperately need when Becca was diagnosed with cancer at only three years old. Nine months of chemo. Having her little leg amputated. Hospital stays. Over $500,000 in medical bills (this was back in the late 1980’s) but we only had to pay about $1,000 of it.

But God saw the bigger picture. He knew we would need those medical expenses covered and already had the provision in place.  

A Better Question to Ask God After Child Loss

If “why” doesn’t help us, but leaves us spinning in our intense pain, what should we ask instead?

For me, it became the question “how?”

• How are You going to get me through this?
• How are You going to help me want to live again?
• How could You possibly bring anything good from something so horrible?

And I’ve learned that God loves answering the “how” question.

It’s in the “how” that we experience His presence. It’s in the “how” that His love begins to seep into the cracks of our shattered heart.

God’s Power to Do the Impossible

Ephesians 3:20 tells us that God is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we can ask or imagine.

Before Becca died, I thought of that verse in terms of happy surprises from God. Now, I see it as a deep promise to those of us in grief.

When you can only imagine darkness for the rest of your life, God can imagine something else. He sees light, hope, purpose. Things you and I cannot see in the suffocating darkness of grief.

1 Corinthians 2:9 says, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him.” I no longer see this being about a life of constant blessings. It’s about a God who is preparing something good, even for those of us who are in the deepest pit of grief.

Letting Go of “Why”

If you’re still in that place where you can barely breathe, just trying to make it through the next hour, please hear this: the “why” may never be answered here. But the “how” will.

Ask Him, “God, how are You going to bring life into this death I feel inside?” And then hang on, like Jacob did, saying, “I’m not letting go until You bless me.”

Because He will. And when He does, it won’t erase the loss, but it will bring life to you again. You may not feel like you want it now, but when you do, He will be waiting to answer your question of “how.” 

NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 310. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

If September is a rough month for you, and you need help taking the next step toward hope, GPS Hope offers Reflections of Hope: Daily Reading for Bereaved Parents – September Edition. It’s filled with daily encouragement and short readings designed to meet you right where you are. (There is a book for every month of the year for just those difficult months, or you can get the full year in one hardback book.) 

Click here to order your copy. www.gpshope.org/reflections

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

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