Several years ago, I thought I was pretty secure in my identity in God, but after our daughter, Becca, died, I discovered how little I knew about it, much less how to live securely from that place.
As Dave and I continue as missionaries in the dark field of grieving parents, I am very thankful God has been shedding so much light, making me more and more solid in my identity of being fully loved by Him than ever before.
One thing that God used to open my eyes to receive this needed revelation I thought I already had, is a good book. Actually, there were several!
If you’re in a season of feeling a little spiritually disoriented, looking to deepen your walk, or just want a good read, consider checking these out. There are tons of great titles out there, but these were really meaningful to me.
Book 1: He Loves Me! Learning to Live in the Father’s Affection
So many Christians believe God’s love is fickle: when they sin, He turns away in disgust and anger. They vacillate between “He loves me” and “He loves me not” because of their behavior. That reasoning, writes Wayne Jacobsen, is as flawed as pulling petals from a daisy. Rather God’s love is sturdy, enduring, and undisturbed by people’s failings because God loves humankind not for what they do–but who they are. They are God’s beloved creation.
The book opened my eyes to how I was still trying to earn God’s love when I didn’t realize that is what I was doing. He really does love me, unconditionally, just the way I am, and I am still learning how to live in a way that sets me free, knowing how fully I am loved.
One of my favorite quotes from this book is, “One can be a good Christian by embracing its doctrines, its rituals, and its ethics without ever knowing him. Jesus did not come to start a new religion, he came to break the power of them all by inviting us to follow him and live in the reality of his love for us. Just remember, life in Christ has more to do with following a person than it does following the rules.”
If you’d like to get it on Amazon, here’s the link.
Book 2: Conquering the Game of Control: Nurturing the Nature of God
All humans, by nature, are doomed to play an unwinnable game which looks remarkably like the harmless game of Rock/Paper/Scissors, but is, in reality, played out with the weapons of domination, manipulation, and intimidation.
Like the game of Rock/Paper/Scissors, there are no real winners; only victims who feel crushed, cut, or covered by the process—or ominously empowered by it. What is the solution? To quit playing the game altogether! God does not “play the game”. Through Him, humans can be transformed until the game of control gives way to a life of mutual submission—the dance of relationship rather than the dissonance of control.
This book has affected me in a way that few other books have. It opened my eyes to so many things that I needed to see about myself and relationships, and gave me the desire to release things I had been holding on to that were interfering in living out my true identity in Him.
One of my favorite quotes from this book was, “The great good news is that, in Jesus, we can expect a change that is so deep, so transforming, that we actually interact with people in a whole new way, with love and humility and truth – in authority, rather than the old ways of domination, intimidation, and manipulation – in control.”
If you’d like to get it on Amazon, here’s the link.
Book 3: Your Secret Name: Discovering Who God Created You to Be
Using the story of the biblical patriarch Jacob as a backdrop, author Kary Oberbrunner calls us to stop accepting the world’s labels and start wrestling with God to discover our true identity. Jacob spent years living out the meaning of his earthly name: “deceiver.” Caught up in pretending to be someone he wasn’t, he was unaware that God would build a nation through him, unaware that Jesus would be one of his descendants, unaware of the lands he would inherit. Then he heard God speak his true name and the future God had for him unfolded. In Your Secret Name, we are reminded that we’ll be unable to discern what God wants to build through us until we discover how God has seen us all along. Readers will find the courage to abandon what they know in order to become who they were born to be.
One of my favorite quotes from this book was, “Interesting how Jacob asked for a blessing and the angel responded by asking him his name. Perhaps within that exchange, we stumble upon a secret. Seems like many of us crave a blessing – we want God to bless us, our families, our jobs and our finances. Instead, God knows our only shot at a true blessing comes by uncovering our true identity.”
If you’d like to get it on Amazon, here’s the link.
What are some of your favorites? I’d love to hear them — especially if you’re in a season of learning who you are in Him and how deeply loved you are. Leave a comment below!
But I was also determined to hang on to God with anything and everything I possibly could, no matter what. And quite often, that was not holding on to Him at all, but letting Him hold on to me as I just cried and sobbed. And I am talking not just weeks, but months and on into the second and third year after her death.
God was not blindsided by Becca’s death. He didn’t reach His limits when she left this earth, and was suddenly unable to bring light into darkness, no matter how deep and black that darkness is.
now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)” (NLT)
not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed” (NIV). The song goes on to say how we are blessed beyond the curse because His promises will endure; that His joy is going to be my strength. It talks about trading our sorrows, our sickness, and our pain for the joy of the Lord.” 
done here. I am not discounting or minimizing that at all.
to a joyful or celebration event is going to be a slap-in-the-face reminder that your child is not here; that he or she will not be part of something they should have been right in the middle of. This will continue for many years, such as a graduation, or a birth that would have made your child an aunt or uncle.
For almost two years, I didn’t want to go to any conferences that were for grieving parents. (I also didn’t go to any grief support groups, but that was because I didn’t know of any in my area.) I didn’t want to be around a bunch of people who were a mess like me, thinking we would just sit around all morbid, cry about our kids, and I would leave feeling worse than when I arrived.
remain insensitive and continually pick at our open wound of grief, who will have to be shut out of our lives. Almost every bereaved parent I have met has said their circle of friends made a shift because of lack of understanding and support when it was needed the most. That isn’t always an option though, especially when it is someone in our family. I pray these five suggestions will help you in a way that rises you above the painful conflict, to a place of rest and peace. And may you have hope that the light is not far away, because those of us who carry it, are walking with you.
for your own well-being. Not in an angry bitter way, but as something you must peacefully resolve within yourself.
We have gone through an amputation with the death of our child. But for some reason, those who have never faced the suffocating darkness of child loss don’t seem to understand that life for us will never be the same, just like an amputee.
I highly recommend that you do the same thing. Maybe have a list called, “Can’t sleep” with music (or people you like to hear teach) that you can play at night when needed. Once again, there is no right or wrong music, as long as it helps you take the steps needed for that moment with that struggle.
