I didn’t know that kind of darkness even existed until my daughter, Becca, died. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I wasn’t suicidal, but I would beg God to take me. The pain was so intense that I couldn’t imagine surviving another hour, much less five, ten, or twenty years without her. I would have panic attacks just thinking about the future.
If you are there right now, I understand that place.
And yet, what God has been deeply working in me, through Scripture, through science and through years of walking with bereaved parents is this: finding hope by renewing your mind after child loss is not only possible, it is biblical. It is transformational. And it may be one of the most important steps toward stepping out of suffocating darkness.
The Verse That Feels Impossible
Romans 12:2 says:
Do not let yourselves be conformed to the standards of this world. Instead, keep letting yourselves be transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you will know what God wants and will agree that what he wants is good, satisfying, and able to succeed. (CJB)
After the death of a child, that verse can feel impossible. Agree that what God wants is good? Satisfying? Able to succeed?
It clashes with our shattered hearts.
Our thoughts turn dark. Life feels meaningless. We tell ourselves, “I will never get past this. I will never have a life worth living again.” And when we repeat those thoughts over and over, something begins to happen. They don’t just stay as thoughts, it begins to feel like it is so very true.
But they are not truth.
Your Thoughts Are Wiring Your Future
Neuroscience has discovered something fascinating: neurons that fire together wire together. When we think the same thoughts repeatedly, those thoughts begin forming pathways in our brains. What we rehearse becomes what we believe. What we believe shapes our identity.
That means if we continually tell ourselves, “I can’t live without my child. I will never be okay. I will always be stuck here,” our minds begin to build a path that reinforces that belief.
But God tells us we can be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
Science is only now confirming what Scripture has said all along: we can change the way we think. We can create new pathways. We can choose different thoughts, even when our feelings scream the opposite.
Finding hope by renewing your mind after child loss begins with something as small as this: “I don’t see how I can ever be okay… but maybe, somehow, I can.”
It doesn’t have to be either/or. It can be both.
I can be in deep pain and still believe that there might be a way out.
I can be angry at God and still trust Him.
I can feel darkness and still allow a glimmer of light.
It Is Not the Pain That Connects You to Your Child
One of the enemy’s greatest lies is this: if you leave the darkness, you are leaving your child.
That is not the truth!
It is not your pain that keeps you attached to your child. It is your love.
Let that sink in.
You are not dishonoring your child by stepping toward healing. You are not forgetting them if you begin to laugh again. It is your love, not your suffering, that binds you to them. Love will always remain your connection to your child.
When we begin finding hope by renewing our minds after child loss, we are not walking away from our child. We are allowing God to show us how to carry their memory in a way that brings meaning instead of paralysis.
The Power of Gratitude in the Darkness
I know how this sounds. When your child is gone, gratitude feels offensive.
“There is nothing to be thankful for.”
And yet, studies consistently show that gratitude shifts the way our minds function. When we intentionally find something—anything—to be thankful for, it changes how we process our reality.
It may feel small.
A roof over your head.
A friend you can stay with.
A chair you can sit in and cry.
A notebook you can pour your heart into.
A car that can take you to a quiet place in nature.
These small acts of thankfulness begin gently loosening the grip of despair. They help create new pathways of thought. They open space for finding hope by renewing your mind after child loss, even if it is just a crack of light at first.
God does not usually blind us with sudden brightness. More often, He gives a pinpoint of light that our eyes can slowly adjust to.
Jesus Knows This Darkness
When Jesus hung on the cross and cried, “My God, why have you forsaken me?” He stepped into a darkness so deep it felt like abandonment.
God had not left Him. The darkness was just that heavy.
Jesus understands what it feels like to be unable to see or sense the Father in the middle of agony. And He burst through that darkness with resurrection power.
The enemy is not equal to God. He is not God’s opposite. He is a fallen angel. He is on the same playing field as Michael the arch angel. God’s power is infinitely greater.
Even when we do not understand the “why” of our child’s death, we can begin asking God for the “how.”
How will You bring meaning?
How will You carry me?
How will You transform this unbearable pain?
Finding hope by renewing your mind after child loss does not mean we suddenly understand everything. It means we begin allowing God to shape our thinking toward eternity, not just toward today’s anguish.
From Ashes to Oaks of Righteousness
Isaiah 61 speaks of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of despair. It speaks of becoming oaks of righteousness, being firmly planted for the display of His splendor.
That feels impossible when the ground of your heart is scorched. But even in scorched soil, a seed can sprout.
The Holy Spirit lives in you. You do not have to reach somewhere far away for God’s help. He is already within you, watering that dormant seed of hope. He is gently helping you shift your thoughts, one at a time.
Finding hope by renewing your mind after child loss is not a one-time decision. It is daily. Sometimes hourly. Sometimes minute by minute.
It is whispering, “Help me, Lord,” when dark images flood your mind.
It is choosing to picture your child whole and joyful in His presence.
It is reminding yourself, “Maybe I can live again. Maybe there is still purpose for me.”
But there are plenty of times that we also fail to shift those thoughts. There is no judgment. God is loving, kind and patient.
You Are Not Stuck Forever
I have known hundreds of bereaved parents who once believed that they would never have a meaningful life again. And today, they do.
They still miss their child. So do I. There are still days when the ache resurfaces with intensity.
But it is no longer suffocating darkness every day.
Life can become good again. Different, yes. Forever changed, yes. But still meaningful. Still purposeful. Still worth staying for. You may not see it right now. Your feelings may scream that it is impossible. But feelings are not always truth.
Give yourself permission to believe, even just a little, that if others have experienced transformation, perhaps you can too. That is where it begins.
You are not alone in this darkness. And it is not the final chapter of your story.
And as you continue finding hope by renewing your mind after child loss, you may one day look back and realize that the tiny glimmer of light you once resisted has grown into something steady and strong. You just might even find yourself being a grieving parent sharing hope.
NOTE: NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 337. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.
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AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.
In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.
For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.
The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope.
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