Navigating the holidays after child loss can be one of the hardest times of the year for a grieving parent. Everywhere we turn, people are celebrating, decorating, and gathering, while we’re just trying to breathe through the ache of our child not being here.
This isn’t about pretending we’re okay. It’s about learning how to hold on to both grief and our faith. It isn’t about forcing ourselves to “look on the bright side.”
It is about learning how gratitude and grief can coexist, not as enemies, but as companions on this painful road that we never asked to walk.
Gratitude Doesn’t Mean You’re Over It
The pain of losing a child doesn’t go away, even as we keep moving forward in life. Some days, it feels like a quiet heaviness that we carry. Other times, it knocks us flat and takes our breath away. Eventually, the pain becomes a deep undercurrent of who we are. It’s always there, even when others can’t see it.
Some people think that if we’re thankful for anything, it means we are over it. But that isn’t true. Gratitude does not invalidate pain. They can live together in the same heart. Jesus Himself modeled this. He wept at the tomb of Lazarus, even though He knew resurrection was coming. Grief and hope coexisted in Him, and they can coexist in us too.
Having gratitude doesn’t mean we’re okay with our child’s death. It simply means we’re choosing to notice that God’s goodness hasn’t left us, even in the darkness.
A Bittersweet Thanksgiving with Becca
Our daughter, Becca, had the gift of hospitality. She loved cooking, preparing, and making everyone feel special. That was how she showed love.
During what we knew could be her last Thanksgiving with us, she was in a wheelchair and connected to a VAD (a mechanical pump that ran the left side of her heart) while she waited for a chance to be on the transplant list. That year, she wanted so badly to host Thanksgiving dinner. I had always done it at our house, but we decided to let her take the lead.
Her husband and I got behind her, helping her do what she could, even carrying her up and down the basement stairs, since that was the only space big enough for everyone to gather. That day was bittersweet. It broke my heart to see how much she wanted to do but couldn’t. Yet it was so precious to see her beaming at the table, surrounded by family.
For a long time after she died, that Thanksgiving was a painful memory. It was the last time we were all together. But God gently changed how I saw it. Now, it’s one of my most treasured memories because we honored her gift of hospitality. We let her love us in the way she still could, and she poured her heart into it.
There was grief on that day, absolutely. But there was also deep gratitude. And both were real. Both were sacred.
Gratitude After Child Loss Looks Different
Gratitude doesn’t look the same as it once did for us. But eventually, as we learn to navigate the holidays after child loss, it can be even more meaningful. It might look like:
- Being thankful for one supportive friend who checks in.
- Noticing a sunrise on a hard morning.
- A moment of peace that surprises you.
- A reminder that your child is still part of your story.
Sometimes gratitude is just being thankful that you had the strength to go get a haircut. And that’s enough.
Both/And — Not Either/Or
Our culture tells us we have to pick one:
Either you’re grieving or you’re grateful.
Either you’re hurting or you’re healing.
But the truth is: we can be both.
I can be heartbroken and still hold gratitude.
I can miss my child desperately and still see God’s fingerprints on my day.
I can long for heaven and still find reasons to live here.
I can lean on God while I fall apart.
Gratitude doesn’t erase grief, but it can soften it. And grief doesn’t push gratitude away, but it can deepen it. Because when everything has been shattered, especially as we navigate the holidays after child loss, even the smallest gifts become sacred.
Emmanuel: God With Us in Our Pain
It’s not just Thanksgiving that hurts. The entire holiday season can be overwhelming and filled with questions, “whys,” and the painful reminder that our child isn’t here for the lights, the laughter, or the joy.
About five years after Becca died, the name Emmanuel, God with us, hit my spirit like an explosion. I cried out, “Lord, I want You to be with me every day of this next month. I need to feel You. I need Your peace in a tangible way.” At that moment, I was reminded of the advent wreath that we used when our kids were growing up, reading a special devotion and lighting a candle each week leading up to Christmas.
So, I decided to do my own advent time with the Lord, focusing each night on Emmanuel, God with us, even within my grief. I began writing reflections for each evening and sharing them live on Facebook with anyone who wanted to join me in navigating the holidays after child loss.
It helped keep me from spiraling into darkness and reminded me that Christmas really isn’t about gifts or parties. It’s about the hope Jesus brought when He was born here on this earth. He came as a baby to bring peace, love, and eternal life. What He did for us assures us that this separation is not forever.
A Gentle Reminder for Navigating the Holidays After Child Loss
No matter what the holiday is, our hearts ache more deeply when our child’s chair is empty. If that’s how you feel this season, please know you’re not alone. Give yourself permission to do the holidays differently this year. You don’t have to pretend to be okay, and you don’t have to force joy that isn’t there.
Sometimes honoring your child looks like a quiet candlelight moment instead of a big celebration, and that’s okay. Even in the heaviness, may you notice gentle moments of grace: a memory that brings a smile, a word that reminds you of hope, and the peace that comes from knowing God is holding both you and your child close to His heart.
NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 322. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.
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AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.
In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.
For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.
The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope.
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