Search Results for: guilty

“Don’t do, just be.”

This was the message I kept hearing from many different places for the first two years after Becca’s leaving this earth. I believe it is a message we all need at some point when working our way through the darkness and back into the light after the death of our child.

We all need that place where we can go to get away and rest. However, the rest we truly need to come into is not a time and a place. It is a position; a way of life. But often we must begin with the time and place in order to learn to live in that position.

That means we have to set time aside specifically to be alone in God’s presence, especially if we have a hard time believing He truly loves us after not stepping in to save our child from earthly death. We need to “just be” in the stillness of His presence, where He can speak peace to us and fill us with His extravagant love.

During that time those first couple of years, God gave me many reminders to rest in Him and His ways. It was a hard thing to do, because I could not see any light in my darkness or understand why God was allowing so much intense pain.

He would share His reminders to just “be” and rest in Him in so many different ways. He would remind me to take a breath and breathe in His love and peace. He never sugarcoated anything, but would acknowledge how difficult and steep my climb was, telling me to cling tightly to His hand, reminding me to look at Him whenever my circumstances overwhelmed me.

He knew how weak and helpless I was, and He never tired of meeting me in my place of need. Looking back, I see now how each time He would free me from a few more of my shackles, even though most of the time I couldn’t feel it.

Not only would He “hold” me, but He would encourage me to relax in the awareness of His presence. Some of my most precious times with the Lord were in my greatest times of weakness, just letting everything go and melting into His peace, love, and compassion. And so much peace and deep revelation came out of those times of intimacy in those first few years.

For example, I discovered so many scriptures that I had misunderstood, such as Matthew 11:28-29 where Jesus says,

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (NIV)

There are lots of theological teachings on what Jesus meant by this, including what it meant for Jesus, as a rabbi, to say this. But at that moment of my life, the revelation of those verses didn’t mean that Jesus would make my life easy, but that being yoked together with Him is being yoked to that place of rest for my soul; that He would help me carry this heavy burden which is impossible for me to carry on my own.

I rediscovered Psalm 23 in The Complete Jewish Bible translation, that promises to restore my inner person, and that if I pass through death-dark ravines, He is with me; and that His grace and goodness are still pursuing me every day of my life.

This is not to say at some point I got it all figured out and now continually live from a place of rest. I wish God would just speak a command and make it all better, taking away the pain and replacing it with constant peace and rest, but it hasn’t happened that way.

Learning how to live in that place of resting in God has been a process. The pain can still be pretty intense at times, making me feel like I am going backwards, losing that peace and the place of rest.

For instance, a while back, Becca’s husband dropped off four plastic tubs on our front porch. They were full of things he no longer wanted taking up space in his garage. Two bins held Becca’s collection of Snow Buddies she put out every Christmas. One had all of her cassette tapes and CDs, and one contained lots of odds and ends, such as medical items used during her last year and a half of life, and some beautiful photo scrapbooks Becca spent hours on of their family.

But the thing that left me in a crying mess for the next few days was when I discovered her wedding dress smashed in the bottom of one of those bins. My heart still hurts, thinking about it. It felt so cruel, so careless, like she was no longer wanted or to be remembered. My daughter’s life has been reduced to four plastic bins, I thought. But instead of allowing myself to go in that direction, I told myself the truth. Her life was much bigger than these four bins. However… it was another door of finality I had to painfully work through, and once again make a conscious decision to rest in who God is within the circumstance.

Learning to rest in God is a must if you want to get out of your place of darkness.

And that means spending time alone with Him. You don’t even have to talk to Him;  just “be” with Him. Don’t feel guilty about being angry with Him, or about taking lots of time to be closed in with the One who loves you like crazy and wants to get you out of the pit and onto the path of living again.

Spend intimate time with Him. Lots of it. Let Him show you the way out by showing you the fullness of Himself. If you stick with it, I guarantee you will learn to come into that place of rest that we all so desperately need after the earthly departure of our child.

Would we rather have our child back? Absolutely. But that isn’t going to happen here on this earth. So, we might as well allow God to love on us and be at work in us, so that their death isn’t wasted in our lives.

 

This blog was taken from the chapter The Bedroom of Rest, from the award-winning book When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child.

This book, When Tragedy Strikes, now has a course for those who feel the need to go deeper, wanting to implement more specific and practical ways on how to rebuild their lives after the death of their child.

The course has three options, based on how much or how little guidance one feels they want or need.

• The first option is a free mini course.
• The second option is a full course with eight modules.
• The third option is for those who see the value in having one-on-one guidance and interaction with author and instructor, Laura Diehl, in their grief journey as they go through the full course. NOTE: This is for a small limited group and only available 2-3 times a year.

The When Tragedy Strikes Hope & Healing Course was created to walk with and help navigate a parent who has lost a child to a place of light, hope and a life of purpose once again. It is easier walking with others who have been on this path than stumbling about on our own.

While the process of grief cannot be hurried, we can learn how to take steps, no matter how small, making sure we keep moving forward instead of remaining stuck in the pain and darkness of our horrific loss.

To find out more about the When Tragedy Strikes Hope & Healing Course, click here.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

 

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

• Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 

This month is very special: It’s the one-year anniversary of GPS Hope being a completely transportable national ministry!

What a journey this has been, both figuratively and literally! Learning how to live in a 420 square foot house on wheels full-time, to be able to offer support and resources to grieving parents, has been both interesting and rewarding.

First was the downsizing. Um, yeah… taking 35 years of married and family life and deciding what was going with us, what was being stored, and what we were parting ways with, was a huge project. Every drawer, every closet, every box and bin, the garage, the basement, the attic, the shed… every nook and cranny had to be picked apart and decisions made. Good thing I found the Kan Marie method before tackling all of that!

On October 24^th, I followed my husband, Dave, with the car to our local RV shop to have them add the tow dolly onto the motor home. They had Dave watch them hook everything up and then directed me as I drove the car up onto it. Now, instead of 38 feet long, we were 58 feet in length. 

With no chance for Dave to practice, we pulled out for the first leg of our six-month trip. And let me say I have been amazed and super impressed at how well Dave drives and maneuvers this thing!

I distinctly remember sitting in the passenger seat, looking behind me, and thinking how surreal it was that Dave was driving our house! (And even after a year, I still feel that way most of the time.)

Many of you have asked how this first year has been, living full-time in a motor home. Honestly, the transition went even better than we thought it would and it has been an extremely rewarding year!

But even though this first year in the Hope Mobile has gone great, I realize there are three things that got lost in the transition that I need to get back into my life, which will make this next year even better. I figured I would share them with you, just in case anyone reading this could use the encouraging reminder of making room for these things in your life as well.

Please note: If you are a grieving parent in those first few years, remember that we are several years down the road on this grief journey, which means we have fought our way out of the worst of the pain and darkness of the earthly loss of our daughter. It will probably take lots of time and persistence, depending on where you are in your own journey, to implement needed things back into your life.

#1. Know that there are times it’s okay to just rest

We need to realize that just like someone who has had major surgery has to have time to do nothing but rest and recover, we need to rest and recover from the “surgery” of our child being cut off from us, or whatever deep loss has come our way. And it isn’t a matter of “getting the victory” over it (which I felt guilty in the past for not being able to do, in grieving the death of my daughter, Becca – crazy isn’t it?).

Experts say that parents who have had their child die have been through a trauma, and many of us have PTSD, based on the circumstances of our child’s death. That means we need lots of rest. So, if you feel like you just can’t function, that’s okay and normal. Take it easy and give yourself lots of grace.

It is easy for me to convince myself that people are counting on me, so I must stay on top of making sure I have helpful content and stay consistent with what I put out there to give pareavors hope, not giving myself the same grace that I tell others to give to themselves.

I need to remember I am in this for the long-haul, and that keeping up with doing things the “right way” (taught by experts on the business side, which every ministry has) doesn’t always work for the unique ministry of GPS Hope. There are simply times I need a break for my own grief or need a time of rest to be able to effectively minister to other pareavors in theirs.

I know you will totally understand why this blog came out late (and probably didn’t even notice that it did…) and give me grace for it. I need to get better at giving it to myself, and not think I have to push myself harder when I really need to just rest.

#2. Taking communion

When I had my little prayer room under the basement stairs (in the house we sold to my son), I kept matzo crackers and grape juice handy so that I could occasionally have a time of reflection of what the death of Jesus personally means to me, especially after Becca’s death.

It was always a meaningful time that often came with tears, as I allowed the Holy Spirit to remind me how deeply God loves me.

It is mind boggling that He came to this crappy world for the purpose of dying an excruciatingly painful and shameful death, so that I would not have to be permanently separated from Becca and eventually my other children, my grandchildren, Dave, our parents, my sister and others I love deeply. He also did it to set me free from the chains the enemy puts on me while here on this earth!

I brought the matzo crackers with me, and we always have grape juice, but I can’t think of a single time I have taken communion in the Hope Mobile. I definitely need to get back to doing this!

If you have never had your own personal communion time, thinking it must be served to you by church leadership, let me just say that idea cannot be supported anywhere in the Scriptures. I encourage you to use whatever you have available and allow God to minister to you in a deeply personal way as you remember His death, burial and resurrection through taking communion.

#3. Music

I am embarrassed to say this, but I just don’t turn on the praise or worship music like I used to. I know (and used to teach entire sessions in children’s ministry trainings) that God created music to be a pathway to our soul.

Music moves us, and music changes us. It affects our brains and our souls, which in turn effects our thoughts, our beliefs, and our emotions, which in turn affects our actions.

As you can imagine, our passion for supporting parents who have lost a child can be a heavy load as we walk with those who are in such a dark and painful place, especially as this is our full-time ministry. Dave and I have to continually make sure we do not get trapped back under that heaviness, so we can effectively offer hope and healing to the parents God connects us with.

Putting on uplifting music is one of the easiest and fastest ways to do this. Even though I have play lists on YouTube to help with this, I have not turned to music often enough, and looking back I can see there were times I should have.

Speaking of looking back, it has truly been an amazing year. Here are just some of the highlights:

• One of our favorite things to do since living in the Hope Mobile has been to meet up with parents across the country and share a meal together. We are honored to be a safe place to hear their story, share their tears and laughter, and talk about how our children are probably excited that we finally met each other!
• Speaking at both local and national events in places like North Carolina, Virginia, Florida, St. Louis, and here in Wisconsin. We were able to minister to literally hundreds of grieving parents, helping to guide them to a place of hope, light and purpose after the death of their child.
• Adding “In Loving Memory” hearts on the Hope Mobile has also been a joy! We are so very blessed to take these children on the road with us so that anyone who sees our house on wheels also sees all the precious children who are still in the hearts of their parents. (We also have smaller hearts for many other loved ones who are no longer here on this earth.)
• Starting the weekly Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast almost instantly became our greatest outreach, with hundreds listening to each episode. It takes several hours of both my and Dave’s time to put out each week but is so worth it, based on the amount of feedback we get on how a specific episode has helped a desperate parent. (These emails and comments have brought many tears and much rejoicing!)

Finally, Dave and I want to thank many of YOU for your support in time, talent, and resources. We’re so excited about the next six months as we prepare to pull out for the next 6,000 miles on October 17^th, and we can assure you that your investment in GPS Hope is reaping incredible returns for the glory of God.

 

If you are a bereaved parent, you can have your child mentioned on the GPS Hope podcast, the week of his or her birthday. Just click here to send us the information. 

Would you like to follow us as we travel the nation in the Hope Mobile, giving support and resources to bereaved parents? Just submit your name and email  to get exciting updates.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.

 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 

Growing up, one of my favorite stories was The Velveteen Rabbit. In fact, I named one of my own stuffed bunnies Velveteen, and would often sleep with it at night. (I memorized a list of all my stuffed animals, and gave each one a turn sleeping with me, cuddled in my arms, so none of them would feel left out. I can still run through that list in my head, almost fifty years later. I will spare sharing with you the names of my 13 cuddle-mates…)

Just a few years ago, I found a beautiful condensed “read-aloud” version of the book, so I purchased it to be able to share it with my grandkids. When we moved into the Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) I had to go through a life-time collection of two shelves of children’s books, deciding which ones to get rid of and which ones to keep. Only eight of those books found a place in our house on wheels, and that copy of The Velveteen Rabbit is one of them.

In case you aren’t familiar with the story, this little “fat and bunchy” stuffed bunny with spotted brown and white velveteen fur and pink sateen ears, becomes a boy’s favorite toy, which he talks to, plays with, and of course cuddles with each night. The bunny thinks he is real, because the boy tells the nanny his beloved bunny is real when she thinks he is making too much fuss over a toy. Eventually, the boy becomes sick with scarlet fever, and the well-worn and much-loved bunny is taken with the bedding to be burned. A real tear trickles down the face of the bunny, which immediately grows a flower with a fairy in it. Because the bunny was so loved and was real to the boy, she turns the velveteen Rabbit into a real live bunny, to live with the others he met earlier who made fun of him for not being real.

Looking back, I had no idea what the meaning of that story would have to me, after the death of our oldest daughter, Becca.

Let me share an exchange in the nursery between the wise old Skin Horse and the Rabbit.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day…

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you… It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time… Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” (The Velveteen Rabbit by Marjorie Williams)

There are several similarities in this story, to my journey of being a pareavor  (a parent who has been bereaved of my child).

• It reminds me that working through our grief is a process; a journey. And it definitely doesn’t happen all at once. It takes a long time… years, as a matter-of-fact.

• “He hasn’t got any hind legs! He doesn’t smell right!” the wild rabbit exclaimed, jumping backwards. “He isn’t a rabbit at all! He isn’t real!” This is the reaction the live rabbits had one day when Rabbit was on the ground while his boy played. I don’t know about you, but many of us feel like the people around us just don’t get it. They don’t validate our loss, because we are so different than they are. They hop away and leave us, not understanding why we are the way we are.

• It is a story of going from being ugly to being real; from being who I was, thinking I was “real,” to being who I am now, on the other side of the suffocating darkness after Becca’s death. As I came out of the darkness and back into a place of hope and light, I began to see myself differently and I began to see others differently, along with a depth I didn’t have before. And that is a good thing.

• The Velveteen Rabbit is also a story of hope. He went from a place of devastation and being thrown away as useless to becoming real. I certainly felt devastated and totally useless. I felt like my soul died when my daughter died. But I didn’t stay that way. And you won’t either.

In order to become “real,” like the velveteen Rabbit, we have been taken through a very ugly place. And just like he was taken to a community of other bunnies, we are a community. We are a bunch of broken wounded people, doing life together. We are now traveling with each other on this journey, where we can learn how to become our best self and to become more real than ever before, within the pain and deep earthly loss of our children, not in spite of their death, but because of their life.

The book ends with the boy playing outside the following spring, seeing a rabbit that looks very much like his stuffed bunny that was destroyed.

But he never knew that it really was his own Bunny, come back to look at the child who had first helped him to be Real.

Our children gave us a great gift. The gift to become truly real. I know so many parents who are much further on this journey than I am, who have said they would not want to go back to being the person they were before their child died.

Why would they say that?

Because our child changed us. Both their life and their death.

We tend to look at how dark our life became after their departure, but there are also ways we have grown and are growing (or will grow), because of our brokenness. For me, I tend to not fret over the smaller things as much as I used to. I am much more aware of the present moment, knowing that is really all I have. My compassion for those who are hurting is way more than it ever used to be.

And because Becca had life, there are things she did that taught me something or showed me the way to being a better person, such as watching how she had a way of accepting everyone (whether she agreed with them in life choices and opinions or not) and how she was able to bring so much laughter while she was deathly ill her last 18 months. And watching Becca live life with only one leg and not letting it limit her, gives me motivation to push through my own difficulties instead of giving in to the obstacles that come my way.

How about you? Some of you may not have gotten to this point yet, because your child’s departure is still too fresh and your grief is still very dark and deep, but is there something you like better about yourself now since your child died? Is it easier to let go of toxic relationships? Are you more aware of what is really important in your life now? Are you now easily able to say “no” when people ask you to do something, when before you always said “yes?” Do you no longer feel guilty about putting your own needs first?

Here is another thought. We often talk about how we are forever changed because our child died, but I want to ask: How are you different now because your child LIVED? What are the new lenses your child’s life gave you, helping you to see the world with a different view than you had before?

As the wise old Skin Horse said: Once you become real, you can never become ugly again.

I would love to have you answer in the comments below this blog. What have you gained through your child’s death? What did your child’s life teach you?

We would like to send you the MP3 download From Pain to Purpose. This is a message Laura Diehl has given at several churches, sharing how God has a plan to take the deepest pain of the loss of your child, and restore your life to one of meaning and purpose once again, if we allow Him to.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.

 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

• Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.