Sibling loss is one of the most overlooked forms of grief. While much of the care and concern after a child’s death is directed toward others, surviving siblings are often left quietly carrying a deep and complex sorrow of their own. They are sometimes called the “forgotten mourners,” not because their grief is small, but because it is so often unseen.
As parents who have lost a child, we understand profound pain. Yet sibling loss affects our other children in ways we may not fully recognize, especially when we are overwhelmed by our own heartbreak. Understanding sibling loss: how it affects surviving children is essential if we want to care for them well while continuing to grieve ourselves.
The unique weight of sibling loss
To lose a sibling is to lose both the past and the future. Siblings share childhood memories, family stories, inside jokes, and shared history. They are the ones who remember what it was like growing up in the same home. At the same time, siblings often imagine a future together such as walking through adulthood, caring for aging parents, celebrating milestones, and growing old side by side.
When sibling loss occurs, that shared past is fractured, and the imagined future disappears. Surviving children don’t just miss who their brother or sister was. They also grieve everything that will now never be.
“I don’t want to make my parents hurt more”
One of the most common experiences surviving siblings describe is holding back their grief to protect their parents. Many children, whether young or grown, avoid talking about their brother or sister because they fear causing more pain.
But here is something important for us as parents to understand: our children already know we are hurting. Talking about their sibling usually does not make it worse. It often brings relief. Silence, on the other hand, can leave siblings feeling alone and unsure whether their grief is welcome or even valid.
How sibling loss affects surviving children often includes delayed grief, where emotions surface years later, sometimes triggered by another loss, a milestone, or even simply reaching the age their sibling was when they died.
Becoming older than your older sibling
One of the quieter but deeply painful realities of sibling loss is the moment a surviving child becomes older than the sibling who died. This can be disorienting and emotionally heavy. Suddenly, time has moved forward for one child and stopped forever for another.
For many siblings, reaching that age brings a new wave of grief and reflection. They may think more deeply about how young their sibling truly was, or what life looked like for them at that age. This is often a time of reprocessing loss, even many years later.
Living in your parents’ grief
Another phrase siblings frequently use is this: “I feel like I’m living in my parents’ grief.”
They understand that their parents are in deep pain. They want to give grace. But when grief consumes the emotional space of a household for an extended time, siblings may feel invisible or emotionally disconnected. Some describe feeling as though they lost not only their brother or sister, but also their parents.
This does not mean parents are doing something wrong. It means that grief is powerful, and without intentional communication, it can unintentionally create distance. How sibling loss affects surviving children includes how they interpret what they see and hear, not just what we intend.
Words matter deeply here. Statements like “I just want to go be with my child” may reflect honest pain, but to a surviving child, they can sound like, “I’m not enough.” Many siblings carry that message quietly for years.
The fear of “who’s next?”
After sibling loss, many surviving children live with an undercurrent of fear. Phone calls at odd hours, delayed text responses, or unexpected changes can trigger anxiety. This fear doesn’t always control daily life, but it often lingers in the background.
This heightened awareness is not weakness. It is the nervous system responding to sudden, traumatic loss. Understanding how sibling loss affects surviving children means recognizing that this fear is common and often unspoken.
Milestones without them
Weddings, graduations, birthdays, and holidays can be especially painful for siblings. These moments highlight absence in ways everyday life may not. Some siblings want to honor their brother or sister publicly; others prefer to do so privately. Both are valid.
As parents, it can be tempting to want inclusion as a way to ensure the child who died is remembered in visible ways. But it is crucial to allow surviving children to decide how they honor their sibling. Pressuring them to grieve or remember in a specific way can add unnecessary pain to an already bittersweet day.
Trust this: they are thinking about their sibling, even if they don’t show it the way we expect.
Faith, grief, and the search for understanding
Sibling loss can deeply affect faith. Some siblings find comfort in their relationship with God; others wrestle with questions, especially when loss feels senseless or leaves children behind. Many struggle to find faith-based resources specifically for sibling grief, which can increase feelings of isolation.
And yet, for many, faith eventually becomes a place of grounding, where grief is acknowledged, not minimized, and where hope does not erase pain but walks alongside it.
How parents can help after sibling loss
You don’t need perfect words. You don’t need to fix their grief. What your children need most is permission; permission to talk, to remember, to cry, or even to stay silent.
Here are a few gentle ways parents can support surviving children:
- Say their sibling’s name and invite conversation without pressure
- Reassure them explicitly that they are deeply loved and valued
- Allow grief to look different for each child
- Be mindful of how expressions of despair may be heard
- Acknowledge milestones and difficult dates together
How sibling loss affects surviving children is not a problem to solve. It is a relationship to tend with grace, patience, and humility.
You are still needed
If you are reading this as a grieving parent, please hear this truth clearly: your presence matters. Even when you feel empty, broken, or unsure how to keep going, your children still need you. They may not say it. They may not show it. But they need you; not a perfect version, just a present one.
Your grief does not disqualify you from loving them well. And their grief does not mean you have failed.
A gentle closing
Just like child loss, sibling loss changes a person forever. It reshapes relationships, memories and expectations. But love does not disappear. It continues in shared stories, quiet understanding, and the compassion that grows when pain is acknowledged instead of hidden.
As you navigate sibling loss and how it affects surviving children, may you find the courage to keep listening, the grace to keep learning, and the faith to trust that God is near, both to you and to every child still finding their way through grief.
NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 332. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app. The episode features author and podcast host Laura Diehl in conversation with Bobby and Gabby Bisterfeld, who have both lost two siblings.
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AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.
In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.
For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.
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