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The Struggles with Thanksgiving and Child Loss

All the holidays are a struggle, but Thanksgiving is unique in that the entire purpose is to be thankful and grateful for the ways God has blessed us. But, after the death of our child, many of us don’t feel blessed at all, much less feel thankful.

As a pareavor, I totally understand the thoughts of not having anything to be thankful for in those early months and years. The death of our child is front and center and being thankful for ANYTHING can feel impossible. When we are told we can at least be thankful that we are breathing… no, we can’t, because we don’t want to be breathing, right? I remember begging God to just take me. I wasn’t suicidal, I just didn’t want to be here anymore.

To be honest, I don’t even remember those first few years. For the Thanksgiving meal, I think we all went out to eat. We may have done that for the first two to three years, until my adult children worked up the courage to say how much they missed the traditional Thanksgiving meal and being together at the house, so I did eventually go back to that.

Since we now live in our motorhome and are on the road in the Hope Mobile, Thanksgiving is very different for us, which I am quite okay with. However, this year we are driving our car back home to Wisconsin, leaving the Hope Mobile (and our cat, Savanah) with friends in Texas and I will be cooking the meal at my oldest son’s house.

This can be a constant yearly struggle for all of us, not wanting to disappoint our other children and family members, and at the same time, knowing we don’t have it in us to celebrate Thanksgiving, whether it is physically, emotionally, mentally, or even spiritually.

Last year, right after Thanksgiving, I received an email from my friend Jill. Her barely two-year-old son, Nathan, died suddenly and unexpectedly, over twenty years ago. Jill shared with me the struggle of still finding herself, after all those years, “having to continually give grace to those who don’t understand” because she was told on Thanksgiving at a gathering that as she matured, she should be able to celebrate again.

Let me add that her son’s birthday is in November. He died thirteen days after his birthday on November 24th and was buried on Thanksgiving Day. Talk about lots of triggers at a time of year when we are supposed to be “thankful”!

Jill goes on in the email to say what those around us don’t realize; grief has nothing to do with maturity.  There is more to this email as she shares how people think she must still be struggling because of posting pictures of Nathan on these dates, and her response to that. (If you would like to hear the entire email, you can go to podcast episode 185 here or find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app).

It can be exhausting trying to explain to family and friends why we don’t want to (or can’t) celebrate holidays and special events like we have in the past, especially when they just don’t get it. Friends and family who mean well, can even insist that joining in the celebrations and festivities is just what we need. They tell us it is the best thing we can do to “get back to normal.”

That may be true with their personal experience of other losses, but we know this is not like any other loss. However, we would not know that ourselves if we were not experiencing it, so we cannot expect them to know or understand that.

Recently in a conversation with several moms, one of them commented how special it is to be able to make new memories with the one who is gone. That was such a beautiful thought, and one that I will leave you with. How can you still make new and meaningful memories during the holiday season with your child who is no longer here with you?

Yes, it will probably be painful, but like a good pain that is bringing healing. These are bittersweet days for all of us through the end of the year, and even more so if you are like Jill and there are birthdays and death dates in the middle of it.

But you can learn to learn how not to just fall into the despair of the bitter, but how to lean into the sweet. The struggle is real, but so is the Holy Spirit as He walks with you through each day, including the days we struggle to be thankful.

This was taken from a recent Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast. To hear all of what was shared (which includes something that might help to explain our grief, if not to others, at least to yourself) you can listen to it here on the GPS Hope website or listen on the GPS Hope YouTube channel. You can also find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

Are you dreading the Christmas holiday season and wishing there was something to help you get through it? Hope for the Future: An Advent Book for Bereaved Parents is a daily reading through the Christmas season, and you can also join me live each Sunday night, lighting a candle. Find out more here.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Our Many Triggers and Tears After Child Loss

Note: This blog was adapted from Chapter Three: The Garage of Tears from the book When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life With Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child.

Some of the worst times those first few years after my daughter, Becca, died were when I thought I saw her somewhere and got smacked once again with the crashing realization that it couldn’t possibly be her.

For me, the motorized scooter carts in a store still trigger the thought of my daughter. Even just hearing someone the next aisle over in one of those carts can give me a shocking reminder of my loss. I have had to fight tears so many times when I’m out shopping because of triggers like this.

Sometimes I “win” and can escape without crying, and sometimes I don’t as the tears spill down my cheeks. I sometimes wonder, why don’t I ever see anyone else in the store who looks like they’re crying? Or am I the only one who struggles with this?

There are so many bittersweet events now. Almost one year to the day of Becca’s death, we had the blessing of a new little granddaughter coming into this world. She was given the name of Becca as a second middle name. And since then, we’ve had several more grandchildren come into this world, who will never know their Aunt Becca. Like I said, bittersweet.

One of my sons got married six weeks before Becca passed away. This is the only sibling who will have the blessing of having their older sister be part of that major life event. Weddings are supposed to be a day full of joy and celebration. Like I said, bittersweet.

Sometimes when I feel the heaviness of grief trying to come in, I will pause and think of my beautiful Becca inheaven. She is experiencing the greatest celebration of all. I will remind myself that this earth is not my permanent home. “For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:18). At some point, life on this earth won’t matter, and we will all be united for eternity. What a glorious day that will be!

But until then, this is where we are, and we have to learn how to deal with life on this earth. The death of a child changes our lives, and it changes us more than anyone can even imagine. Only those of us who have experienced it can know what that means. And it is not that we are trying to elevate ourselves above someone who is grieving a different loss, such as a spouse or a parent. We would gladly not be a part of this elite club if there was any way possible to get out of it.

Is There Such a Thing as Grief Recovery?

In my searching for how to deal with my grief, I came across an article called “Grief Recovery.” As I started reading it, I discovered it was for any kind of loss including jobs, moving, pet loss, death, divorce or any kind of breakup, starting school…

It talked about how recovery is when we can have memories without the pain. I had a hard time reading it without getting angry. It is just impossible to compare grieving the death of a child to all these other things.

I’m not saying those things are not painful and that there is not a level of grief involved. I also know from others, as well as my own personal experience, that we can (and do eventually) get to a place where memories can warm our hearts instead of causing a stabbing pain. However, this article seemed to be saying that after you grieve the right way, you can move on with life and put the past behind you.

I might be able to move forward, but it is not by putting the death of Becca behind me! She will always be in front of me. Our children are our legacy. They are supposed to keep going when we leave this earth. Even if she isn’t with me anymore, I can’t leave her in my past and go on without her.

Even if we wanted to do so, the things that trigger us and remind us of our loss can come unexpectedly out of nowhere and bring back the memory, accompanied by unwanted pain once again.

I am a parent who took a lot of trips to the gravesite for probably a year or more. One day while I was there, the med-flight helicopter flew over me. I totally lost it and found myself sobbing uncontrollably. Later, I wrote on Facebook about what had happened, and a friend told me it was a sign of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I guess it made sense.

For many, many months after Becca passed, whenever I heard an ambulance, I would freeze in panic and my mind would immediately question, “Where is Becca?” And of course, there was always the realization of where she was, and the siren I was hearing was definitely not for her. Some days I am okay with that, other days…

The first year of special dates is always difficult for anyone who has lost a loved one, but for a parent who has a child missing it can be almost unbearable. For us, Thanksgiving came first and brought with it the memory of how the year before, Becca had insisted on hosting the family, even though she was wheelchair bound. Then came Christmas, Becca’s favorite holiday, and then the pain of the first time she was not there to celebrate her birthday, and so on. Eventually it came around to the one-year anniversary of her death. Of course, all of those came with many tears. Some of them still do, years later.

It has taken me an entire lifetime to learn that tears are a gift from God. Yes, I know some people can’t seem to cry. But that is not the case for me. Tears have flowed freely and easily for me all my life. I now know that if I don’t allow myself to cry, it means I have allowed my heart to get hard. I have done that before and will never do it again!

Jesus knew that when His dear friend Lazarus died, it was only temporary. And yet we know Jesus wept. If you want to cry, go ahead and cry as hard as you need to. Park your car in the garage and have a good cry. Let your tears be the gift God gave them to be, allowing them to wash away some of the pain.

You can go back to the garage of tears anytime, and as often as you need to. You have full permission from someone who gets it.

 

This was just part of a chapter in the book When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life With Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child. To listen to the full chapter The Garage of Tears being read by author, Laura Diehl, click here.

Did you know that GPS Hope has three Guidance Courses based on Laura’s book When Tragedy Strikes?

  • How Do I Even Start to Rebuild My Life?
  • Working Through the Darkness
  • Looking Toward My Future

Click here to find out more about each one.

During the month of July, we are running a special. When you purchase the audio book you can purchase all three courses for the price of only two! Click here to get the promo code after purchasing the audio book from your favorite retailer.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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What Do You Call Someone Who Has Lost a Child?

After our daughter, Becca, died, I knew there was no word that could even come close to describing my pain. At the same time, I wondered why there is not a word for those of us who are still here after the death of our child. Someone who has lost their parents is an orphan. My son-in-law became a widower, and of course, a woman whose husband has died is called a widow.

This started to really bother me.

I did a search to see if I could find something. Nothing came up at the time. Since then, there is a word I have seen around here and there, which I talk about on the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast (episode 216 where this specific blog came from).

When we hear the word widow or orphan about someone, we know what type of life-changing loss they have experienced. But when telling someone about our loss, it is along the line of, “Her child died.” There is no word that identifies the devastating, horrific, heart shattering traumatic loss in our lives.

When we lose a child, it changes our identity, even if we still have other children still here with us. It especially changes our identity if you have lost your only child, or all your children.

Even though all our journeys are different, when you meet someone who has lost a child, there is an instant connection. It doesn’t matter what different beliefs we might have politically, spiritually, or otherwise. There is something that pulls our hearts together because you are someone who can relate to me in a way very few others can. You know what it is like to experience this loss that is like no other loss.

I think it is important to have a word that validates the fact that parents who have lost a child through death have a weight that is extremely heavy…heavier than most will experience in this life. Not as a label to give us permission to wallow in our deep sorrow, but one that draws us together to be able to strengthen and encourage each other within our life-long club membership that none of us wanted.

So, just who are we after the death of our child? Is there a word that unites us? A word that at least implies the depth of our pain?

I believe there is, and it is the word pareavor.

“Reave” comes from the word bereave. According to Merriam-Webster the meaning/definition of the actual word “reave” is: to plunder or rob, to deprive one of, to seize, to carry or tear away.

I think those are some pretty good descriptions of how we felt when our child died.

So, if we take away the “be” in bereave and replace it with a “pa” (because “pa” comes from the word parent: a person who is a father or mother; a person who has a child (Merriam-Webster)), we get pareave.

Then when you add an “or”  at the end (indicating a person who does something (Wiktionary)) you get the word pareavor.

The word pareavor sounds like a pretty good description of what happens when our child dies, no matter the age of the child. We are parents who have been deprived of our children who were seized and torn away from us through death. We are pareavors.

Who am I? I am a teacher, an author, a podcaster host, a singer/songwriter, full time RVer; I am a wife, a daughter, a mom, a grandma, an aunt, a niece, a friend, a cousin, a cat-lover, and… I am a pareavor. A parent who was violently robbed of my daughter’s life – a parent bereaved of my child.

Let me say that I am sorry you have a reason to even consider this as an option in your life as a description of who you are now as well.

No matter what words we use, either to try and describe what it is like or to specifically identify ourselves as someone who has faced the devastation of child loss, we are still all in this together.

We are pareavors – parents who are bereaved of our child. They may have been ripped away from us here on earth, which causes tremendous pain, but thankfully, it is not a permanent separation.

This was taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast, episode 216. To listen to more than what was shared in this blog, click here, or find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

 

Would you like to receive a Weekly Word of Hope written and sent by Laura? Let her know below. Your email address is safe with GPS Hope.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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The Gift of the Holy Spirit Within Child Loss

 

As believers in Christ, we are familiar with who Jesus is and what He did for us. We hear a lot about who God is as well. But how much do we know about the third part of the Trinity, the Holy Spirit? Why do we need the Holy Spirit, and how can He help us in our grief?

Let’s look at when Jesus talks about the Holy Spirit in the book of John, chapters fifteen and sixteen. “It’s to your advantage that I go away, for if I don’t go away the Divine Encourager will not be released to you. But after I depart, I will send him to you”, John 16:7 (TPT). I love hearing that the Holy Spirit is our Divine Encourager, don’t you? (If King James is the version you are most familiar with, it calls the Holy Spirit our Helper.)

Let me share that same verse from the Amplified translation, because it lists out even more things that the Holy Spirit is for us.

But I tell you the truth, it is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counselor, Strengthener, Standby) will not come to you.

We often hear the Holy Spirit called our Comforter and Helper, which means He is all those things in the verse we just read.

  • Advocate – He is your representative, defending you against the accuser.
  • Intercessor – He is before the throne, adding his prayers to yours for help.
  • Counselor – He will help you make good and right decisions in the fogginess of grief.
  • Strengthener – He will give you His inner strength when you have none of your own.
  • Standby – He is standing by, immediately ready to help whenever you call out to Him.

In John 15:26, Jesus also says that the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth and will lead us into truth. Did you know there is one truth that even Jesus had a hard time believing at one point?

Shortly after making that statement, Jesus told His disciples they would be scattered, each one going their own way, leaving Jesus alone. He also stated to them: But I am never really alone, because the Father is with me (John 16:32 ERV). Several hours later Jesus was arrested, badly beaten, and hung on a cross to serve the judgment of a death sentence.

While hanging on that cross, Jesus cried out in complete agony and despair, quoting from King David in Psalm 22:1,  My God! Why have you forsaken me? (Why have you turned your back on me? Where did you go? Why aren’t you here with me?)

But the truth is, God never left Him. The Father never turned His back on His Son. He was WITH Jesus as He hung on that cross, covered in the most hideous sins we can think of, along with all the little sins ever done by me, by you, and every person ever to live on this earth. The Holy Spirit was still dwelling inside Jesus because it is not sin that causes God to separate Himself from us.

How can I say that? For one thing, we see in scripture that God still came down to the garden of Eden to fellowship with His creation of mankind, knowing that Adam and Eve had sinned. Also, in the book of Job, we read that Satan was at God’s throne. That goes against the thought that God’s holiness keeps Him from being able to be around sin.

Here is another thing to think about. If God is so holy that He cannot be around sin or even look at us as sinners, how was Jesus able to come to earth to live as one of us, as God in the flesh dwelling among us? How is the Holy Spirit able to come to us as sinners, allowing us to see our need for the Father’s love to set us free from the chains of sin?

So, if God’s holiness does not keep God away from being around sin and evil (like many of us have been taught), what was it that separated Adam and Eve from God? It was their guilt and their shame! Not their sin.

It is our guilt and shame that causes us to pull away from Him. But things were so dark for Jesus as He hung there, that God’s light could not break through, causing Jesus to feel alone in that suffocating darkness, even though God had not left Him.

It may be so dark that you cannot see God, hear God, or feel God’s presence. Jesus knows what that is like! You have not been betrayed, forsaken, or left alone any more than He was. God is right there with you in the horrific darkness because God’s incredible gift of His very Spirit lives inside you.

Let’s go back to the end of John 16:7 which says, The Holy Spirit cannot come to help you until I leave. But after I am gone, I will send the Spirit to you (CEV). The Amplified version adds to be in close fellowship with you.

God gave us the grace of the Holy Spirit to live in us because He knew we would be challenged by His higher ways and overwhelmed by some of the circumstances of this world at times. But because of His Spirit dwelling in us, it is also possible to also be overwhelmed by His majesty, His fullness, His faithfulness, goodness and incredibly deep love for us!

Jesus knew there was joy ahead beyond the darkness and pain (Hebrews 1:2), even if He could not see it while He was in a place of suffocating darkness. There is joy ahead for you as well, but you must lean on His Spirit, living inside you, to find it.

But God now unveils these profound realities to us by the Spirit. Yes, he has  revealed to us his inmost heart and deepest mysteries through the Holy Spirit … His thoughts and secrets are only fully understood by his Spirit, the Spirit of God.

1 Corinthians 2:10-11 (TPT)

 

Would you like to receive a Weekly Word of Hope written and sent by Laura? Let her know below. Your email address is safe with GPS Hope.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Removing the Sting of Death

There is a verse we hear every year around this time, which is one I struggled with after my daughter, Becca, died. 1 Corinthians 15:55 (NLT) says, O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? I can tell you exactly where death’s sting is after the death of my daughter!

I begged the Holy Spirit to please explain this to me. I know His Word is true, but this verse was not true in my life – not even close! God did not answer that prayer right away, but one day when it was not even on my mind, He began to speak to me about it.

Whenever we are dealing with a bee sting, one of the first things we do is make sure we get the stinger out. My understanding is that sometimes the stinger remains in the skin and continues to release its poison until it is pulled out.

Right now, we still have the stinger in us. The pain from the “poison” of our child’s death is still affecting us and will continue, until we join our child on the other side of eternity. That is where the “sting of death” will be pulled from us, and we will no longer be under the effect of that poison and continue feeling the pain of our child’s death.

As I read the scripture in multiple Bible versions, I discovered what the Holy Spirit had spoken to my heart is exactly what this verse means. The Contemporary English version puts it this way. “Our dead and decaying bodies will be changed into bodies that won’t die and won’t decay. The bodies we have now are weak and can die, but they will be changed into bodies that are eternal and then the Scriptures will come true. Death has lost the battle. ‘Death, where is your victory? Death, where is your sting?’ Death, you’ve lost the battle. You’ve lost the power to hurt us. It’s gone! The stinger has been pulled!”  

Did you catch that? This version actually says that the stinger has been pulled! I know it doesn’t help for the sting you are feeling right now, but we can all hang on, because there will come a time when this scripture will  become true in our lives.

But what about right now?

Many Christians have been taught that God has a wonderful plan for their lives. We think that means our life is going to be great—full of fun, laughter, sunshine—and nothing bad will ever touch us. But that is man’s interpretation.

Jesus warned that we will have hard times, but promised that He will be with us to help us through them. He said those who mourn will be comforted (not that we will never mourn). He said we will always have the poor with us (He did not end poverty at that time). These are the kinds of things the Holy Spirit will use the most, to draw us closer to Himself and to have the opportunity to know Him more intimately than we ever knew was even possible. And He will bring us to a place of being victorious if we let Him.

God’s love for us is the one stable thing that we can count on in the life we are living here on this earth. Not only does He love you, but He is right smack dab in the middle of your grief with you, and He is excited about you, knowing your future and the good things He still has for you.

He is the foundation we have built our lives on. Most foundations of a building are unable to be seen. That does not mean it is not there. A building might fall, but the foundation remains. Our lives may have fallen apart, but the foundation of Christ is still there. We may not believe it, we may not be able to see it or feel it, but He is still there, firm and steady.

God does have a plan for your life. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord…to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11. One translation says, “I have plans to give you a future filled with hope.”

Your future is full of hope. It can also be filled with wonder and amazement at the goodness and faithfulness of God, through both the incredible blessings and the painful tragedies because through both, we have the opportunity to see His powerful hand at work in our lives.

He is your anchor, your rock, your firm foundation. He is also a very present help in time of trouble and the giver of hope. Ask Him to open your eyes to see those things in a very real way. And not only can you have hope in your future here on earth, the most truly wonderful part happens when we leave this sinful world and move to eternity with Jesus. And just think, as a side note, we have someone very dear and close to us who has beat us there.

This is a shortened version of the recent Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode of the same title. If you would like to hear the rest of these thoughts, click here.

To find out more about Laura’s soon-to-be-released book Reflections of Hope: Daily readings for Bereaved Parents click here.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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