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What Season of Grief are You In?

 

I don’t know about where you live, but in Wisconsin it’s always exciting to see the first robin of the year because it is a sure sign that spring is coming, even though there will probably be more snow. Both have happened. Robins have been seen, and they just got another twelve-hour snowstorm that dumped five to eight inches of snow!

Some years, the warm weather and the beauty of colorful flowers, green trees and grass, can arrive quite late, causing us to feel anxious. This makes me think about how anxious we can be in our grief, as well.

“When will I stop hurting so bad?”

“I don’t think I will ever enjoy life again.”

These are things we think and say, especially the first two or three years after the death of our child.

Everything is colorless, and we feel bitterly cold and dead inside ourselves. We can’t see a way out, thinking this is how it will be for the rest of our lives.

I have recently had several moms tell me that they didn’t think they ever would or could get past the darkness, but now two years, or three years, or five years after their child’s death, something is stirring inside them that they want to start feeling alive again. I see this as a sign that the “winter” of grief is coming to a close, and the new growth of spring is on its way.

There is no right or wrong amount of time for us to be in that dark suffocating place of grief. But wherever you are on this journey, I pray that this spring will give you a sign as a reminder of hope, that just like God made the sun to rise every morning, and spring to always follow winter, that He made a way for you to have life again after the death of your child, even if you can’t imagine it to be so.

As you know, it is lent, which leads up to Easter, the day we specifically remember Jesus’ death and resurrection. Even if you are angry at Him for not stepping in and saving your child from leaving this earth, I encourage you to take a moment to thank Him, that at least He made a way for you to be with your child again very soon, never to be separated again, because of what Jesus came to earth to do in reconciling a sinful decaying world to Himself.

Until that day comes, I hope you will also join me in being thankful that the winter season is coming to a close and spring is on its way, both physically in the seasons, and emotionally in our grief.

Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring. Hosea 6:3 (NLT)

 

 

Taken from the soon-to-be-released book Reflections of Hope: A Daily Reading for Bereaved Parents. Click here for details.

This was part of Episode 204 of the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast. Click here to listen to the rest of what was shared on this topic, or look for the podcast on your favorite listening app.

 

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Can We Have Signs from Our Children Who Have Died?

This can be a very controversial topic in the Body of Christ, but I think it is an extremely important one to tackle, which is discussing whether our children can give us signs that they are around at times. I have many pareavors ask me if I think our children can hang around us after they die. Many occasionally “feel” their child’s presence or even have visible, tangible signs that their child’s spirit is there.

Let me say that what matters much more than what I think, is what God has to say about it.

I am going to share what I personally see and have studied in scripture, and yes, I am an ordained minister and have been since 2009, if that makes any difference to anyone.

No one has a perfect revelation of ALL truth. We each need to pray through the questions we have for God, trusting that if we are seeking truth, that is what we are going to find. We can take this even further. Since we know that Jesus Himself IS truth, that is WHO we are going to find when we are seeking truth with a pure heart.

The greatest power in deception is that we do not know that we are being deceived. I don’t know about you, but I believe God’s power is far greater than the enemy’s power. That means God’s power to draw us to Himself is greater than the enemy’s power to deceive us, when we are seeking Him, seeking His kingdom, and seeking truth through the indwelling wisdom of the Holy Spirit.

So, with that, let’s take a small dip into this huge topic.

First, let me share that I am not talking about going to a psychic, or one who “channels” the dead and speaks on behalf of the dead loved one. God makes it very clear that we are NOT to go to mediums or try to call up the dead (Deuteronomy 18:9-11). That is dangerous and opens the door for the demonic realm to approach and deceive us, letting darkness have an influence in our lives disguised as light and hope. I talk about this in detail, including the why (which is God’s way of protecting us), in this week’s podcast episode. Click here to listen.

I do believe it is possible that our children’s spirits have opportunities to visit us, for the specific purpose of bringing comfort, peace, or whatever our need is for that moment. And there are places in the Bible that support this.

Let me just share one of those here.

Many Christians will quote 2 Corinthians 5:8 as a way of saying that does not happen, which says to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. They say this verse means that when we die, we leave our bodies behind and our spirit immediately goes to heaven and stays there, like there is some kind of barrier that keeps them from being able to return.

But are you aware of what it says right before that? Verse six states that while we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord.

Hmmm…. If we take that literally, it means that as long as we are still in our bodies, we cannot be with the Lord; that we cannot connect to Him. Obviously, that is not what this verse means. God is a Spirit being. We are all spirit beings. Here on earth though, we still have our shell, our body, which houses and limits our spirits. Once we shed this body, our spirit being is no longer housed or limited to being where our body is.

So, since our spirit is already connected to His spirit, and we know that being in our body means we are only separated from the Lord in a physical sense, then wouldn’t 2 Corinthians 5:8 be referring to that? May I point out that verse eight does not say that we are only with the Lord and we will be bound and limited to heaven. I believe this section of scripture is letting us know that the shedding of our body means we are now free from the limitations of being earth-bound beings, and we will be able to be fully with the Lord because we will then be fully in the spirit realm. We may have the perspective that we can only be in heaven as spirit beings, but when you look at 2 Corinthians 5:8 in context, it cannot support that perspective.

Don’t take my word for it, or anyone else’s for that matter. Every person here on earth has blind spots and wrong beliefs in some areas because we are human. Not a single one of us knows all truth. We are constantly being taught by the Holy Spirit, who lives inside us, having our eyes opened to more light and more truth, which continues to set us free from false beliefs. And He graciously brings those things to light at different times for each of us, based on when He knows we are ready to receive that specific revelation of truth in our own lives.

Have I had a sense that my daughter’s spirit is around at some point? Have I wondered if something that I have seen or experienced was a sign that Becca is around? No, I have not, which means I am not trying to use the Bible to “prove” that what I have experienced is from God. I am taking questions being asked of me to the Lord, allowing His Spirit to be my teacher and guide, showing me things that I have not noticed before through His Word. I do not believe He is leading me away from Himself, but closer to Himself and His love that goes beyond our understanding, by shining His light onto a truth that I am ready to see.

One thing I become more aware of with each passing year, is how much I don’t understand about God. Even having the Bible to read and study, His vastness, His majesty, His glory, His love, is just beyond what I can comprehend or wrap my head around. Paul tells us in I Corinthians 13:12 that we see in part and we know in part. We cannot see the full picture, because what we see here on this earth is like looking through a dark glass.

This is something you can take to God. Ask Him about it. Pray about it. God has not only given us His Word, but He has also blessed us with His Spirit to live inside us, to teach and guide us. I believe God, through His Spirit in you, will guide you into truth, not allow you to be led into deception, and He knows what that is for you, based on where you are in this very personal and difficult journey.

Today’s writing lays some of the groundwork for my conversation next week with Nancy Weil. She has a lot to share on this topic, with many stories. If you have your own stories, you will want to make sure to read about my talk with her, and I would love to have you share those stories in next week’s comments.

 

I know this topic may stir up strong feelings and thoughts, going either direction. IF YOU ARE A PARENT WHO HAS LOST A CHILD, please feel free to share those thoughts with me below with love and grace. Anything with harsh judgment and criticism will not be allowed, not because I don’t allow people to disagree, but because the Body of Christ is known for how cruel they are in being so judgmental, and we need to learn to disagree in love.

If you are not a parent who has lost a child, please do not leave a comment. This is a place specifically for those who share this suffocating darkness that others cannot understand unless you have experienced it.

This blog was taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 189, which has much more shared on this topic, including more scriptures. You can listen here on YouTube. To listen directly on the GPS Hope website click here or find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app. To listen to the follow-up conversation referred to with guest, Nancy Weil, click here.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Strength and Stability After Child Loss

After the death of our child our world has been completely shattered and we desperately need strength and stability. In our heads, we know that comes from God, but in our hearts many of His promises can now seem very distant.

Isaiah 61:3 is a familiar verse to many of us, which tells us that God will give a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. But did you know there is more to the verse?

It goes on to say, “… that they will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.” (ESV)

I broke this verse down into four parts on a recent episode of the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast, on how I see this applying to us as pareavors.

  1. Being called oaks
  2. Of righteousness
  3. Being planted by the Lord
  4. God being glorified (and our struggles with that within child loss)

I am just going to share my thoughts on one of those here, which is the first one; how we will be called oaks of righteousness. Some versions simply say trees, but it is not just any tree. So, why an oak tree? Let’s look at some of its characteristics.

  • It starts with such a small beginning, a tiny acorn, but it grows to become one of the largest and strongest trees.
  • The growth of an oak tree is very gradual. It can be so slow that you don’t notice it year-to-year. Then suddenly you realize how big it has gotten and how much it has grown.
  • Oak trees go through seasons. In the spring they bud with new growth; in the summer they are full of green leaves; autumn causes the leaves to change color, eventually falling to the ground and leaving a dead-looking tree through the winter.
  • It endures storms, great winds, ice and snow. It also absorbs the sun and the rain. All of this is needed to bring an oak tree to its place of full maturity.

This is an amazing picture of us. We truly can go from our place of deep grief, despondency, despair, hopelessness, and even feeling like we have died ourselves, to being like a fully mature tree, producing fruit.

It starts out so small, and that little acorn has to be buried in the ground. Breaking out of the shell and popping to the surface takes so long that we think it has died. We think we have died along with our child, and they just forgot to bury us. Plus, it can take so long to feel joy and meaning again that it confirms the darkness of our thoughts that we will never get back out into light and life again.

The growth can be so slow that we don’t think anything is even happening.

Even though there is no apparent life in us, we are just dormant for our season of deep grief.

You and I eventually become stronger through the storms, as we continue to soak up any nourishment provided. In that place of maturity, an oak tree buds and blossoms, producing fruit, and so will we, even becoming a place where others can come to for shelter.

Here is something interesting about oak trees that I did not share in the podcast episode. You can find oak trees around the globe growing in all kinds of different soil types, rainfall levels, temperatures, and elevations.

That tells me that no matter the situation of our child’s death (including losing more than one child or your only child, through murder, drug overdose or suicide, a long illness, or completely unexpected) we can get to a place of growing and flourishing again. We can still have a life of meaning and purpose, not in spite of our child’s death, but because of his or her life.

As I said, I shared some personal insights on all four parts of this section of scripture. If you would like to know the rest, listen to episode 184 of the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on the GPS Hope website, or find it on your favorite listening app. You can also listen on the GPS Hope YouTube channel here.

If you would like to hear what I shared about the beginning of Isaiah 61:3 just click the links below.

180: Can We Ever Have Beauty Again After Child Loss (with Lin Findlay)

182: God Does Not Say He Will Give Us Joy for Our Grief

183: The Heavy Weight of Grief After Child Loss (with Angelique Marketon)

 

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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God Does Not Say He Will Give Us Joy for our Grief

Many of us are familiar with Isaiah 61:3 that tells us God will give us the oil of joy for our mourning.

Did you know there is a difference between mourning and grief? Mourning is the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died. Grief is what we think and feel on the inside when our child (or someone we love) dies. It is the loneliness, the fear, depression, emptiness, etc. Mourning is the outward expression of our grief, the act of sorrowing.

This is huge because I always thought this verse meant that God would replace my grief with joy, but that is not what He is saying.

If you are like me, the death of my daughter, Becca, became my identity. When I met someone, I wanted to introduce myself as, “Hi, I’m Laura, and my daughter died.” I wanted people to know what I was going through and how much pain I was in.

I believe this is what God was talking about in this verse. He is saying that he will take away our need to express our grief. We will grieve for the rest of our lives, but we won’t always mourn. We will not always have a need to constantly express the pain of our loss.

I want to point out that joy and laughter are still important in our lives. The physical healing that takes place in our bodies with a good laugh is incredible. God is the one who created our bodies to respond to laughter, which means happiness is important to Him!

Psalm 2:4 says that God sits on His throne and laughs.

Ecclesiastes 3:4 tells us there is a time to laugh.

In Job 8:21 we read He will fill our mouths with laughter.

I am not saying this to imply that we are to live from a place of happiness and laughter with our child gone. What I am saying is that God wants to replace your mourning – your expression of the pain of missing your child – with His Spirit, to eventually be able to express joy and even happiness for the good things that are still in your life (and are yet to come).

The first step we need to take is to believe having joy in our lives again is even possible, and then to actually want it back in our lives. Joy comes from a place of hope. Proverbs 10:28 (ESV) says, The hope of the righteous brings joy.

The final enemy to be defeated is death itself, and that is something to look forward to and get excited about. This means that instead of the outward expression of missing our child, it is possible to carry the outward expression of our excitement of seeing them again!

Can you start to see how it is possible for God to give us the oil of joy for our mourning?

There is joy on the other side of our pain. But you don’t have to wait for the fullness of it until you are with your child again, because right now, God wants to give you the oil of joy for your mourning.

Now may God, the fountain of hope, fill you to overflowing with uncontainable joy and perfect peace as you trust in him. And may the power of the Holy Spirit continually surround your life with his super-abundance until you radiate with hope! Romans 15:13 (TPT)

This was only part of a recent episode of the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast. To listen to it in its entirety directly on the GPS Hope website, click here. If you would like to listen to it on the GPS Hope YouTube channel, click here. Or you can find it (Grieving Parents Sharing Hope: Episode 182) on your favorite listening app.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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The Best Bible Verses to Help a Grieving Parent

I have a deep concern for the parents I am serving and ministering to, that God has sent my way. Many Bible believing parents (I will even say most of them) can become anywhere from frustrated to very angry with other Christians who have never experienced the death of their own child but will quote scriptures at a devastated and grieving parent, starting at the memorial service. I spend a chunk of my time seeking God on how to undo the damage caused by well-meaning Believers who want to either  “comfort” these parents or “help them get the victory” over their grief with Bible verses.

I understand you may believe it is always the right time to share scripture with people who are hurting. You may be one who believes everything we share always needs to be backed up with Bible verses to make sure people are not being led astray. As a pastor’s kid and an international minister of the gospel, I used to believe the same thing… until my daughter passed from this earth.

Now I know that it is rarely ever a good thing for someone who has not lost a child from this earth through death to try and give advice (including quoting scriptures) to a parent who is in the place of deep grief and darkness after the death of their child. The exceptions are if you are someone who had a deep, intimate and trusting relationship with the parent before the death occurred (which includes spiritual leadership) or that parent has specifically come to you for hope and encouragement.

Sometimes because of a horrific tragedy or trauma, Christians can find themselves hurled into a suffocating pit that seems too deep, too dark and too hopeless to ever be able to get out. You and I both know that is not true, but if you are the one in the pit, it is almost impossible to believe otherwise.  The death of your child is one of those times. I can say that because I have found myself thrown into that very pit when my oldest daughter died on October 12, 2011.

For many grieving parents, Bible verses are not going to be the “rope” that works to pull them out of that place. Many of them are confused and angry with God because of what has happened. People trying to tell them what the Bible says can make these deeply wounded sheep push both Christians and God away even more (which I know is not your heart) because they already know what the Bible says. They believed it, but now, much of what they believed appears not to be true.

So, what is one of the best Bible verses to have tucked away if someone you know has lost a child? I think it is Romans 12:15. It tells us to rejoice with those who are rejoicing and to weep with those who are weeping. Some translations say to mourn with those who mourn or to share their sorrow.

We need those who will lovingly climb down into the pit with us, to be our lifeline until we are ready to grab ahold of the truth of God’s Word for ourselves once again. God can and will use His Word to bring us hope and give us strength, but not when people around us throw it our way as a Christian cliché from an emotional distance as their way of helping us.

What does being in that place with us look like? Just sitting in silence with us, crying with us, watching a movie with us, listening to us talk about our child, helping with day-to-day functions such as doing our laundry, taking our car to a gas station and filling the tank, mopping our floors, taking our kids to practice, going for a short walk with us, etc.

When you are Christ’s hands of love being extended to someone in deep darkness, I believe the Holy Spirit will also prompt and anoint your words (whether it is scriptures or not) to be a comfort and a light of hope. He will also anoint your silence if that is what is needed for the grieving parent you are with.

If you are unable to be there for them in that way because of long distance or other circumstances, contact them through phone calls or texts. Leave messages that let them know you are thinking of them and hurting with them. Send them cards in the mail on a regular basis. If they begin to respond back (and it could take a while, as in weeks or months),  then always be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and make sure anything you share with them is not you trying to fix them. Be the voice of gentle love, bringing true comfort, not correction.

Proverbs 15:23 is another verse to consider. It tells us that the right word at the right time is helpful to the receiver and brings joy to the giver. Here it is in several versions.

Everyone enjoys giving good advice, and how wonderful it is to be able to say the right thing at the right time! (TLB)

…there is nothing better than the right word at the right time. (ERV)

… how sweet is the right word at the right time! (VOICE)

To give an appropriate answer is a joy; how good is a word at the right time! (CEB)

There is another verse in Proverbs that can also be of help. Chapter twenty-five verse twenty in The Passion Translation says: When you sing a song of joy to someone suffering in the deepest grief and heartache, it can be compared to disrobing in the middle of a blizzard or rubbing salt in a wound.

I know a lot of bereaved parents who would say that sounds about right. Someone trying to cheer us up because they think we have been sad for too long and should be pulling out of it by now is extremely hurtful.

By now I am sure you have noticed that the verses I have shared are for these shattered parents in an indirect way. They are verses for those who have lost a child because they guide you in how to respond in a loving, caring, kind and needed way.

On a practical note, a few more things that will be helpful for you to know are:

  • Most experts say that anything under five years is considered fresh grief for a parent who has lost a child.
  • They also acknowledge that it is traumatic grief. These parents have been through a trauma, and many of them also deal with PTSD (including ones who were not there when their child died).
  • For many bereaved parents, the second year can be even harder in some ways than the first year.

I know our heart is to help those who are hurting, as it should be. Parents who have lost a child from this earth are hurting more deeply than most, and a big part of that painful loss will be with us for the rest of our time here on earth. I don’t expect you to be able to fully understand this about grieving parents, and all of us who are in this “unwanted life-time access club” truly hope and pray that you NEVER EVER find out! Most pareavors (parents who have been bereaved of their child) will say they would not wish this kind of pain even on their worst enemy.

Thank you for your loving concern for parents who are grieving the death of their child. I hope you will continually hold these shattered parents up to the throne room and be thankful for the work God is doing in their hearts to draw them back to Himself, in a way that may not make sense to you because you have not been in this place. It makes sense to those of us who have been there, though.

Many of us are familiar with the acronym of H.O.P.E. that says, “Hold On Pain Ends”. That saying just is not true for a bereaved parent, until we are reunited with our child on the other side of eternity. I will end this by sharing with you what I tell pareavors at the end of every single podcast. “Hold On Pain EASES. There is HOPE”!

 

We would like to send you two free chapters from the book Come Grieve Through Our Eyes: How to Give Comfort and Support to Bereaved Parents by Taking a Glimpse Into Our Hidden World. I promise you won’t be hounded to purchase the book!

There are two different options. One is if you are NOT a bereaved parent, you will also get occasional emails sharing how bereaved parents are being helped through GPS Hope. The other is for those who have lost a child, which will add you to our Weekly Word of Hope emails. You can unsubscribe from either list at any time. Click the option below that applies to you, to sign up for your free chapters.

I am a bereaved parent

I am NOT a bereaved parent

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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