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Our Dark Thoughts in Grief

Our actions are based on our emotions. The way we are acting (or reacting) to the death of our child is based on our emotions. Our emotions run very deep. There is so much pain. There is so much confusion. There is darkness and a feeling of hopelessness. That is normal and natural.

But I believe with everything in me that is not where we have to stay.

My emotions are driven by my thoughts. I can think things like I will never get past this or I will always feel this way. I know some parents even have the thought I don’t want to get past this, which is usually because they equate the pain of grieving their child with remembering their child. They are afraid if they quit hurting so much, they will forget their child.

This is a perfect example of how your beliefs drive your thoughts. If you believe that staying in your pain will keep the memory of your child alive, then you will continue in that emotional state of despair. You will not be able to live a life of peace, hope, and fullness (which includes living a life of meaning and purpose again, not in spite of your child’s death, but because of his or her life).

I’m trying to get you to believe that maybe, just maybe, it is possible to get past this suffocating darkness—to think if others have, maybe I can too.

I remember exactly when I grabbed hold of that belief; it was a turning point for me. I was standing in the cemetery, crying at my daughter, Becca’s, grave. I stood there and looked around at all those other tombstones.

I knew many of them were for children or young adults because I had spent many hours walking around reading the tombstones, including the dates, and figuring out how old they were when they were buried. I thought about how every single one of those tombstones had a story of the people who were left behind, who had grieved and mourned. Every one of those tombstones represented someone’s pain and loss.

It suddenly hit me that all these people (including those who had buried a child) somehow managed to get through it. And somehow, I could too. That realization planted a tiny seed of hope that I didn’t have to stay in this dark place, which gave me what I needed to slowly start working my way out of the black pit.

Believing the truth is just as powerful as believing a lie.

People do what they do, based on their feelings, because of what they believe. Most people live mainly out of their feelings, and feelings do not always equal the truth. To put that a different way, just because I have feelings about something, no matter how strong, does not mean my feelings are necessarily based on the truth.

To change your behavior, which is driven by your emotions, you must know and understand the truth. It is truth that will set you free. However, it can be a messy and painful process.

When God created us, He did an amazing thing. One of the ways He made us in His image is by allowing us to think our own thoughts. He does not control our thoughts, even though He could. He allows us to think He is the evil one.

I remember times when my kids blamed me for something and were angry at me when I wasn’t the one who caused the pain, or my decision was based on something I could see that they could not. It’s the same way with God. He allows us to have our own thoughts, even if we believe a lie about Him. That is how much He loves us. He doesn’t force us to trust Him or love Him. He lets it come from our own choice and our own thoughts.

Don’t let the enemy take the greatest pain and darkness you have ever faced and turn it into a lie that God doesn’t love you, or that He has turned His back on you.

One of the best ways to get out of the enemy’s sticky web is to still your soul, quiet your own thoughts, and ask God to give you His thoughts. You need to be transformed—totally changed—by the renewing of your mind (Romans 12:2). Allow God’s thoughts to speak softly to you in the depths of your being to set you free from the turmoil. Sit quietly in His presence, letting His thoughts reprogram your thinking.

What you focus on is what you will grow. So, if you continue to focus on the pain and loss, it will grow until it is ready to consume you and overtake you. But if instead you think about, focus on, and give thanks for what or who you still have, that is what will begin to grow, and eventually it will bring you out of that deep dark place.

You may not think so right now, but you can get to the place where you celebrate your child’s life, instead of being stuck in the pain of their death. The question is: Where are you rooting and grounding your thoughts? If it can happen for me, and countless other pareavors who thought that was impossible, it can happen to you.

Do you need help with your thoughts? Are you looking for a connection that will give you hope? Let Laura send you her Weekly Word of Hope, delivered each Wednesday. (Your email address is safe with GPS Hope.)

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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The Best Bible Verses to Help a Grieving Parent

I have a deep concern for the parents I am serving and ministering to, that God has sent my way. Many Bible believing parents (I will even say most of them) can become anywhere from frustrated to very angry with other Christians who have never experienced the death of their own child but will quote scriptures at a devastated and grieving parent, starting at the memorial service. I spend a chunk of my time seeking God on how to undo the damage caused by well-meaning Believers who want to either  “comfort” these parents or “help them get the victory” over their grief with Bible verses.

I understand you may believe it is always the right time to share scripture with people who are hurting. You may be one who believes everything we share always needs to be backed up with Bible verses to make sure people are not being led astray. As a pastor’s kid and an international minister of the gospel, I used to believe the same thing… until my daughter passed from this earth.

Now I know that it is rarely ever a good thing for someone who has not lost a child from this earth through death to try and give advice (including quoting scriptures) to a parent who is in the place of deep grief and darkness after the death of their child. The exceptions are if you are someone who had a deep, intimate and trusting relationship with the parent before the death occurred (which includes spiritual leadership) or that parent has specifically come to you for hope and encouragement.

Sometimes because of a horrific tragedy or trauma, Christians can find themselves hurled into a suffocating pit that seems too deep, too dark and too hopeless to ever be able to get out. You and I both know that is not true, but if you are the one in the pit, it is almost impossible to believe otherwise.  The death of your child is one of those times. I can say that because I have found myself thrown into that very pit when my oldest daughter died on October 12, 2011.

For many grieving parents, Bible verses are not going to be the “rope” that works to pull them out of that place. Many of them are confused and angry with God because of what has happened. People trying to tell them what the Bible says can make these deeply wounded sheep push both Christians and God away even more (which I know is not your heart) because they already know what the Bible says. They believed it, but now, much of what they believed appears not to be true.

So, what is one of the best Bible verses to have tucked away if someone you know has lost a child? I think it is Romans 12:15. It tells us to rejoice with those who are rejoicing and to weep with those who are weeping. Some translations say to mourn with those who mourn or to share their sorrow.

We need those who will lovingly climb down into the pit with us, to be our lifeline until we are ready to grab ahold of the truth of God’s Word for ourselves once again. God can and will use His Word to bring us hope and give us strength, but not when people around us throw it our way as a Christian cliché from an emotional distance as their way of helping us.

What does being in that place with us look like? Just sitting in silence with us, crying with us, watching a movie with us, listening to us talk about our child, helping with day-to-day functions such as doing our laundry, taking our car to a gas station and filling the tank, mopping our floors, taking our kids to practice, going for a short walk with us, etc.

When you are Christ’s hands of love being extended to someone in deep darkness, I believe the Holy Spirit will also prompt and anoint your words (whether it is scriptures or not) to be a comfort and a light of hope. He will also anoint your silence if that is what is needed for the grieving parent you are with.

If you are unable to be there for them in that way because of long distance or other circumstances, contact them through phone calls or texts. Leave messages that let them know you are thinking of them and hurting with them. Send them cards in the mail on a regular basis. If they begin to respond back (and it could take a while, as in weeks or months),  then always be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and make sure anything you share with them is not you trying to fix them. Be the voice of gentle love, bringing true comfort, not correction.

Proverbs 15:23 is another verse to consider. It tells us that the right word at the right time is helpful to the receiver and brings joy to the giver. Here it is in several versions.

Everyone enjoys giving good advice, and how wonderful it is to be able to say the right thing at the right time! (TLB)

…there is nothing better than the right word at the right time. (ERV)

… how sweet is the right word at the right time! (VOICE)

To give an appropriate answer is a joy; how good is a word at the right time! (CEB)

There is another verse in Proverbs that can also be of help. Chapter twenty-five verse twenty in The Passion Translation says: When you sing a song of joy to someone suffering in the deepest grief and heartache, it can be compared to disrobing in the middle of a blizzard or rubbing salt in a wound.

I know a lot of bereaved parents who would say that sounds about right. Someone trying to cheer us up because they think we have been sad for too long and should be pulling out of it by now is extremely hurtful.

By now I am sure you have noticed that the verses I have shared are for these shattered parents in an indirect way. They are verses for those who have lost a child because they guide you in how to respond in a loving, caring, kind and needed way.

On a practical note, a few more things that will be helpful for you to know are:

  • Most experts say that anything under five years is considered fresh grief for a parent who has lost a child.
  • They also acknowledge that it is traumatic grief. These parents have been through a trauma, and many of them also deal with PTSD (including ones who were not there when their child died).
  • For many bereaved parents, the second year can be even harder in some ways than the first year.

I know our heart is to help those who are hurting, as it should be. Parents who have lost a child from this earth are hurting more deeply than most, and a big part of that painful loss will be with us for the rest of our time here on earth. I don’t expect you to be able to fully understand this about grieving parents, and all of us who are in this “unwanted life-time access club” truly hope and pray that you NEVER EVER find out! Most pareavors (parents who have been bereaved of their child) will say they would not wish this kind of pain even on their worst enemy.

Thank you for your loving concern for parents who are grieving the death of their child. I hope you will continually hold these shattered parents up to the throne room and be thankful for the work God is doing in their hearts to draw them back to Himself, in a way that may not make sense to you because you have not been in this place. It makes sense to those of us who have been there, though.

Many of us are familiar with the acronym of H.O.P.E. that says, “Hold On Pain Ends”. That saying just is not true for a bereaved parent, until we are reunited with our child on the other side of eternity. I will end this by sharing with you what I tell pareavors at the end of every single podcast. “Hold On Pain EASES. There is HOPE”!

 

We would like to send you two free chapters from the book Come Grieve Through Our Eyes: How to Give Comfort and Support to Bereaved Parents by Taking a Glimpse Into Our Hidden World. I promise you won’t be hounded to purchase the book!

There are two different options. One is if you are NOT a bereaved parent, you will also get occasional emails sharing how bereaved parents are being helped through GPS Hope. The other is for those who have lost a child, which will add you to our Weekly Word of Hope emails. You can unsubscribe from either list at any time. Click the option below that applies to you, to sign up for your free chapters.

I am a bereaved parent

I am NOT a bereaved parent

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Will Knowing “Why” Really Help?

With all the whys, the anger, the suffocating darkness and confusion after the death of our child, it can be easy to blame God for what has happened. We question how God can call Himself a loving Father or possibly tell us that He is a good God. We don’t understand, and it is normal and okay to bring our questions and emotions to God, no matter how dark they are.

Every step on our life journey is a step of trust. We either trust in others, in ourselves, or in God. Trusting completely in others, or only in ourselves, will eventually fail. But when something horrible happens in our lives (such as the death of our child) we often tell ourselves we can’t trust God unless we know the “why.”

We want answers and we want them now. We want (or feel like we need) God to explain Himself to us, telling us why our children left this earth before we did.

I think the bottom line is that we try to make sense of God with our finite brains and limitations, but that is just plain impossible. We want God to answer to us, which is just as futile as a teenage daughter arguing with her parents, wanting them to answer to her. How can they? How can they explain that they see what their teenager cannot see, and know what their daughter does not know, in a way that makes that teen satisfied with the answer? And how can God possibly explain to us through His lens of eternity the answer to our “why?” in a way that makes some sort of sense, causing us to be okay with what has happened?

My husband, Dave, got a four-year degree in Computer Science. (It was so long ago that he even had to do a computer punch card program for one of his classes. Yikes!). His entire thirty year career was with programming computers, fixing computer programs and crashes, or internationally managing others who were doing it.

There are times I ask Dave (who is my personal geek squad) to do something for me, and he has to tell me it can’t be done. I always want him to explain why, because it seems like he should be able to find a way, since he is a computer programmer by profession. He often sighs, knowing that at some point I will get totally lost and not understand what he is trying to explain to me. (Interpretation: I get really frustrated, because it still doesn’t make any sense to me…)

I am pretty sure the same thing would happen if I were to ask a nuclear scientist a question on how something worked, because it is beyond what my mind would be able to follow or comprehend. God is greater than any computer techy or nuclear scientist, so what makes me think I would be able to follow or comprehend God’s explanation to something I don’t understand?

We often try to bring God down to our level because we want to understand His actions, or why He does what He does. That is like the Israelites. They knew the acts of God, which left them always grumbling and complaining, but Moses knew His ways (Psalm 103:7).

There is a big difference between seeing the actions of God and knowing His ways, which is knowing His heart. When we go beyond the acts of God and press in to knowing His heart, we eventually discover that we can still trust that He is good and He is faithful, even in the deepest and darkest pain we can face on this earth.

I do still occasionally find myself caught in the struggle of wanting to know why. When I find that happening, I sometimes ask God what it is about Him that I don’t understand yet, because when I try to lean on my own understanding, I can get all messed up. Instead, I need to see things from His perspective. What if I don’t get an answer to that right away? Then I have decided to continue to believe that He sees what I cannot see, and knows what I do not know, and I will continue to share my heart with Him, trusting that someday, it will all make sense.

Understanding will not bring us peace. That is why we are told to trust in God and not in our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). For some reason we often think if we can figure things out, then we can be in control. But the relief felt doesn’t last very long because soon there is something else we are trying to make sense of, that is out of our control.

During deep grief, people either move toward God or away from Him. But when we move away from Him, we are moving away from the One who can help us the most. God wants to walk with us through this valley of death. He wants to give us comfort. He wants to give us strength. He wants to give us hope. These are all things we desperately need. But if we choose to move away from Him, we will continue to desperately need these things. This is a time to get as close to God as you possibly can.

A few weeks ago, I saw someone’s Facebook post that spoke volumes to me about not understanding why. “You do not realize what I am doing, but later you will understand.” This was Jesus speaking, in John 13:7. It struck me so deeply that I had to get out a Bible and read these words for myself!

This world we are in is not permanent, but it is here to prepare us for the place that is. That means everything that happens here is with eternity in mind, but our view of it all is with very limited sight, which can be confusing until the veil is lifted and we are on the other side with our child.

I believe with everything in me that our children (and other loved ones), who are now on the other side of the veil, can also see everything clearly, and understand what we do not. I picture them cheering us on, knowing that when we join them, not only will we understand, but the pain will be completely behind us as the glory of eternity explodes all around us.

Until then, you have a choice. You can choose to continue blaming God (or others) for what has happened, remaining a victim of this horrible trauma for many more years – maybe even the rest of your time here on earth; or you can make a decision to be okay with not understanding why, allowing God to show you the way out of the darkness to be able to live in a way that honors the life of your child.

 

Our thoughts can be very dark after the death of our child. How we allow ourselves to think, can make the difference between staying in our place of darkness or moving toward a place of hope in our suffocating grief.

If you would like some help in dealing with these dark thoughts, I would like to send you a chapter from my award-winning book When Tragedy Strike: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing after the Death of Your Child. I promise this is not a way to hound you to purchase the book! However, you will start receiving a Weekly Word of Hope from me, which you can unsubscribe from at any time you no longer find it helpful.

 

 

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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It’s Been Two Years

 

It’s Been Two Years

Your smile was worth a thousand words
To everyone you knew.
It lit up a room wherever you went,
The love in our hearts grew and grew.

It’s been two years since I’ve seen you,
The days seem never ending.
My Savior, My Redeemer,
It’s on Him I am depending.

There were many trying times,
And hardships along the way.
But your endurance was admired
Each and every single day.

You are the apple of my eye,
The biggest hero I’ll ever meet.
I must lay down my sorrows
At the cross, at Jesus’ feet.

Losing a child, who is part of your soul, 
Will shatter it into pieces.
But each day that passes,
I know my earthly time decreases.

I will be reunited with you again
And see your body pure and whole.
Until then, I just hold on
To God, who is in complete control.

There are still so many questions
That I don’t understand, big and small.
I will remain in this waiting room,
And know God catches me when I fall.

My prayer was urgent, but God said no.
I trust Him anyway.
It’s for His glory and for my good;
I tell myself it will be okay.

Grief feels like you’ve been punched in the gut;
There is no more air to breathe.
To think your sweet precious body
Is in the ground, underneath.

But Jesus knew that day would come,
No more sorrow, no more pain.
Your body was made brand new,
No more suffering, only gain.

You’re in my thoughts every hour,
And when my heart hardens,
I must turn back to God,
Who turns graves into gardens.

Your sweet little hands, I miss,
And even though you didn’t speak a word,
I could understand your soul,
For in your eyes, it was greatly heard.

I’ll always be your mama,
As we are connected heart to heart.
The joy I have to look forward to,
Knowing one day, we will never part.

I must choose to be happy for you.
I’m jealous you’re with the One
Who sacrifices and saves,
For it is finished, it is done.

Written by Fran Rhodes for her son Charlie.

 

 

Do you have a difficult time finding things that bring you comfort? We have put together a list of thirty ways on how to bring yourself comfort and take care of yourself after the death of your child. We know God is the ultimate comforter, but it can help when we know how to give Him something to work with and to flow through. 
Let us know below if you would GPS Hope to send you this list. You will also begin to receive a Weekly Word of Hope, that is easy to unsubscribe from if you no longer want to receive it.


Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Our Grief is Like…

 

There are many ways to illustrate what our grief is like after the death of our child. Here are the four that I seem to relate to the most.

  1. The loss of our child is like having an amputation. Part of our very being has been cut off from us, and we have to figure out how to live with that piece of us missing.

I had a front row seat to this, since our daughter, Becca, had her little left leg amputated when she was only 3 years old, due to cancer in her bone (osteogenic sarcoma). Read her story here. She “recovered,” but her life was never the same.

There was obviously a major scar because she only had a stump instead of her leg. She didn’t look like the other kids. She couldn’t run and keep up with them. She had limitations. Every day she woke up with the reminder that her leg was missing, and every day, sometimes multiple times a day, she had to be determined not to let it stop her from still having a fulfilling life.

With Becca gone now, there are constant painful reminders of that fact. I don’t look like other parents. I have a hard time keeping up with life sometimes because of my limitations.  Every day I have to be determined to not let her death keep me from having a fulfilling life with those who are still here.

If my three-year-old daughter could figure out how to live with a piece of her cut off, then so can I! She was the greatest example of anyone I know, who persevered and didn’t let something like an amputated leg keep her from still having a wonderful life for the twenty-nine years she had here on this earth.

  1. Grief is like carrying a large sharp rock in your pants pocket. At first you are very aware of it, as it bangs against your leg with every movement. It might even cut and bruise your leg, making it more painful.

After a while, you are aware it is there, but it doesn’t bother you as much. Then you move on to times where you consciously forget the rock is there as you go throughout your day. But whenever you reach into your pocket to grab something else, as your hand feels the rock, you remember…

Sometimes you bump up hard against something, and that rock cuts or bruises you again, and you are back to walking tenderly, waiting for it to heal.

There are times you will put your hand in your pocket because you want (or need) to feel the rock. Some of those times you will even pull the rock out to hold it and look at it, but it eventually goes back into your pocket.

Even if we change pants, the rock will always go with us, into the new pocket.

  1. Grief is like the ocean waves. You feel like you have been shipwrecked and there are huge waves crashing over you with no mercy. Every time you try to come up for air, all you can do is get a quick gasp, only to be tumbled around by another wave crashing over you. When you think you can’t take any more (multiple times), the waves start coming further apart. At least now you can catch your breath.

Eventually the waves aren’t as big, making it easier to get back to the top when you get thrown under them.

Calm waters eventually come, but there will still be waves and storms that send you swirling, being thrown underneath the water again, leaving you gasping for air. But each time, you get better at maneuvering through them. You also know they will stop at some point and the calm waters will come once again.

  1. Grief is like carrying a backpack of rocks up a mountain. At first you can’t move under the weight, as you look up to where you need to go, believing it is impossible. With much effort and struggle, you begin to slowly inch your way forward.

After a while, you are able to stand up and take some steps, even though you often stumble backward and fall down under the weight of the backpack. As you continue to struggle, eventually, you discover to your shock, that you are walking up the mountain. It’s hard, but you’re doing it.

The backpack of rocks becomes easier to carry as your strength builds. However, there are times you need to take a rest. Some rests are relatively short. Others take longer because you are once again feeling the full weight of what you are carrying.

The longer you climb, the easier it gets, and the fewer rests you seem to need. But you will always continue to have the backpack of rocks to carry and have the effects of it.

I have also learned that there are no “stages of grief” after a deep loss, like the death of one’s child. As an FYI, the five stages of grief were presented by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross for those who are terminally ill. They are the stages a person works through upon receiving the news that they are going to die. It was not for those who are still here after a loss.

So, with that, I have one more analogy.

Our grief is like a very tangled up ball of yarn and each of us has our own individual mess of yarn to untangle. I have knit since junior high, learning through 4-H, and have dealt with more tangled balls and skeins of yarn than I could ever count! There have been times the tangle was so frustrating that I quit trying and just put it away for another time. There have also been times I literally cut the yarn into pieces, trying to get it untangled (which made for a lot of ends to have to knit together)!

But eventually, whatever I was working on was finished and it brought joy to whomever it was intended for, including myself. One thing I have noticed, is that over the years I have gotten better at untangling the messes, and don’t have to cut it into pieces anymore.

Grief is hard work. Fortunately, it does get easier, even though we will deal with the pain of our loss for the rest of our time here on earth.

If you feel like you haven’t gotten very far and that you should be further along than you are, don’t allow yourself to get discouraged. You will get there, as you continue this unwanted journey, one step (or one tangle) at a time.

Whatever you do, don’t compare where you are to anyone else, especially those who have never experienced the death of their child! You are untangling your own messy ball of grief, and it is unlike anyone else’s. There is no right or wrong way and there are NO time limits!

Do any of these illustrations resonate with you? Let me know in the comments below. Also, maybe you can find a tangible item (or a picture) and put it somewhere you can see, to remind yourself that even though it might be really hard right now, as you keep going, eventually it will get better.

One final thought: You might want to share this, so that others around you can get a better understanding that our grief is like…

 

 

 

Do you struggle with guilt from your child’s death? We would like to send you the eBook, Ten Tips to Overcome Guilt. Just submit your name and email address below. You will also begin to receive a Weekly Word of Hope for bereaved parents (which you can easily unsubscribe from at any time).

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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