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January 20, 2023 by Laura Diehl 4 Comments

Why We Will Never Get Over It

A point of frustration for many bereaved parents after child loss is feeling like we are being judged for still missing our children.

There are some people around us who think we should be “moving on” or be “over it” by now, as if the death of our child is like a bad cold. Yes, the death of our child was an event, a moment in time. But that moment has disfigured us for the rest of our lives.

Having one’s child die is more than something bad that happened a few weeks ago, or months ago, or even years ago. The death of our child is a continual occurrence. Every morning when we wake up, at some point the realization hits us that our child is no longer here and will not be part of our day. It can feel like they died all over again.

Every event can feel like another death of our child.

  • Getting rid of a car that our child rode in can be agonizing because we will no longer have that car which attaches us to those memories.
  • There are meals we can no longer make (or eat) because it is too painful to be reminded that our child is not there to share their favorite food with us.
  • Seeing a pair of shoes displayed in a store can send us bolting to the car in tears, realizing that we will never again buy our child another pair for a sport they were in or for special occasions.
  • Hearing a certain song come on the radio can force us to the side of the road, unable to drive because we can’t see through our tears, even after we quickly turned it off.
  • Any and every event we attend (or are even invited to) is a reminder of who is missing. It can feel brutal seeing others who are our child’s age hitting life’s milestones that we will never get to experience with our child.

The death of one’s child is considered by most professionals to be one of the most (if not the most) traumatic event a person can deal with in life. Many parents also deal with PTSD, based on the circumstances of their child’s death.

I don’t think anyone can deny that it is a traumatic experience to walk behind your child’s casket and bury them, or to bring your child home as ashes in an urn. And for those parents who found their child’s body, or many other possible scenarios, they can also have PTSD.

Most of us are not stuck in our grief because we refuse to move on with our lives without our child. We are “stuck” because of being surrounded by constant reminders of our child who should be here as part of our everyday lives, but instead there is silence and a constant emptiness.

We do eventually learn to cope, but we don’t “get over it.”

If someone has an amputation, first they must heal, both physically and emotionally, from having that body part cut off; and the emotional healing takes much longer than the physical.

Then they must learn how to function and do everything differently with that part of them missing. Even when that happens, they are reminded multiple times a day that a body part has been cut off, because of how they are forced to live differently, in a way that helps them adapt to the loss.

Some days it is easy, some days it is a struggle to stay positive, and other days it hits them full force (almost like it just took place), no matter how long ago the amputation happened.

How do I know this? Our daughter, Becca, had her left leg amputated at only three years old because of cancer, so we had a front row seat to an amputee living day-to-day life.

As a bereaved parent, we have had our child amputated from us, and everything that an amputee must go through, we do as well. However, the emotional pain is multiplied and much more intense losing an entire person who is part of you, than losing something that is physically part of you, like a leg or an arm.

Several years ago, when I was working on one of my books, I was accused by someone that I was writing it as a way to continue dragging up the past instead of going forward. Wow!  First, I was writing the book to give hope to others who found themselves in the same suffocating pit that I had been thrown into, letting them know we can find our way out. Secondly, it was not dragging up the past; it was helping me learn how to cope with living in the present and in the future without my daughter.

Studies have shown that for those who have lost a child, anything under five years is considered fresh grief. So, I am not surprised when a bereaved parent does not believe they will ever have a life worth living again. I know I didn’t believe it.

However, we do eventually get stronger as we learn how to carry the grief in a way that does not feel like a heavy darkness every minute of the day. We will never get over our loss as if it never happened. That is impossible. But we can and will get over to the other side of the darkness, able to live a life of meaning and purpose again. This is not in spite of our child’s death, but because of his or her life.

 

This blog was taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 194, which has more shared on this topic. You can listen here on YouTube. To listen directly on the GPS Hope website click here or find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

NOTE: Some of this was taken from Laura’s book Come Grieve Through Our Eyes: How to Give Comfort and Support to Bereaved Parents. To find out more about this book, along with Laura’s other books click here.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

  • Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
  • Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on our private Facebook page or our public Facebook page. 
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: bereaved parents, child loss, coping with child loss, dealing with grief, emotional pain after loss, emotional trauma after child death, GPS Hope, grief and healing, grief and healing process, grief journey, grief support, grieving a child, learning to cope with grief, life after child death, life after death of a child, living with grief, moving on after loss, PTSD in grief

January 13, 2023 by Laura Diehl 2 Comments

My Goal for This Year Is to Survive!

 

It seems everywhere I turn I see someone talking about their goals for the new year or sharing how to make sure you keep those goals and new year’s resolutions.

If your goal for this year is just to survive, like it was for me those first couple of years after my daughter died (or maybe you are ready to go beyond just surviving but are not sure how), here are five ways to help do that, using G.R.I.E.F.

G – Give yourself lots of grace. Don’t compare where you are on your journey with others. Don’t put yourself on a timetable. Don’t expect too much from yourself, because you are going to be forgetful, and you will feel like you are crying all the time. Be kind to yourself.

R– Release yourself from the guilt, especially the “should haves,” and “if onlys.” If you had a friend who was blaming themselves for their child’s death, you would tell them not to. That is a terrible burden for your friend to put on themselves, so do not do it to yourself.

I– Ignore those who want to try to fix you. They mean well, but if they have not lost a child, they cannot possibly know what you should or should not be doing. People who have not faced the loss of a child may tell you that you need to move on, that you need to get past it, or that you need to find a way to have closure. These are all people who do not want to see you in so much pain, and they mean well, but to say it bluntly, they don’t know what they are talking about.

E – Engage with other pareavors. We can help you know that everything that you are thinking and feeling is normal. We can be your hope for you when you don’t have your own, be a light in your place of darkness, and can be an encouragement that you can learn to live a life of meaning and purpose again. Pareavors need each other; to have others around them who “get it.”

F – Find a way to honor the life of your child. The ways we can honor our children are endless. Finding a way to honor the life of your child will help in not staying stuck in their death, which was a moment in time; an important and devastating moment for sure. But I don’t want to live my life from the position of “My daughter died.” I want to figure out how to live from “My daughter lived, and her life mattered.”

I realize that none of these five things specifically brought God into the process, but that is because God needs to be woven into each one of these.

You can give yourself grace because God is giving you grace.

You need to release yourself from guilt because God is not holding anything against you. In fact, Jesus paid a very high price – his own life – to make sure that you are released from all shame and all guilt. Holding on to your guilt is like denying that Jesus went to the cross and died for you.

You can ignore others who are trying to fix you because God is the only one who can take the shattered pieces of your heart and bring them back together.

Just like the Holy Spirit led you to this blog, He wants to help you connect and engage with other pareavors who can walk this journey with you so they can be His words of hope and His arms of love wrapped around you.

And God has already made a path for you to walk on that will help you find ways to honor your child while giving you a life of meaning and purpose.

I used to have what almost felt like panic attacks when I would think about getting further and further away from Becca…. Two years, five years, ten, twenty years…. I could barely breathe, thinking about it. But one day the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart saying: You are not getting further away from her. Each day brings you closer to seeing her again.

You can survive this year, and you will. Just hold on and take one day, one hour, one breath at a time. By this time next year, you will be one year closer to being with your child again!

This blog was taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 193, which has more shared on this topic. You can listen here on YouTube. To listen directly on the GPS Hope website click here or find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

NOTE: This is the September 30th entry in my newest book that will be coming out soon. It is a full year of daily readings, along with a short reflection and an appropriate Bible verse for each day. Click here to find out more.

If you would like a printable PDF of G.R.I.E.F to put somewhere as a reminder, we would be happy to send it to you. Just let us know below.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

  • Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
  • Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on our private Facebook page or our public Facebook page. 
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: bereaved parent journey, child loss, child loss healing, coping with grief, emotional healing, finding hope after loss, G.R.I.E.F., GPS Hope, grief and healing process, grief support, grieving parents, honoring child’s life after death, honoring your child, moving through grief, spiritual healing after grief, support for bereaved parents, surviving grief

January 6, 2023 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

Hope is Our Anchor

I remember that first year after my daughter, Becca, died. She passed in October, so right away we were thrown into all the end-of-year holidays without her. As it was getting closer to New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, I felt horrible. I felt like going into a new year meant leaving Becca behind on a whole new level. Life was going on without her, and it wasn’t supposed to!

This heaviness we can be feeling right now between the end-of-year holidays and being in a different year without our child is exactly why I feel led to remind us of the hope we can still have, even in this place of suffocating darkness after the death of our child.

Many of us don’t have any idea how we are going to get through the rest of our time here on earth, much less getting to the place of being okay with it. We definitely cannot see ourselves getting to the place where we want to stick around a while longer because our life has found meaning and purpose again. That just feels impossible.

At the same time, we also shake our head in wonderment at how anyone can get through this without God to lean on. Even if we are angry at Him, something in us knows we need Him. We need His strength, His peace, and His hope.

To help us grab hold of that hope, let me share just a few scriptures with you.

Before I do, let me make sure we realize that the hope God talks about is much different than we often use the word hope. “I hope it doesn’t rain.” “I hope she passes the test.” These are wishes. God’s hope is not a wish, but a confidence that He will come through for us. I see hope as a seed we plant that is nourished to become faith/trust.

Here are some of the things we read in God’s Word about that kind of hope.

  • Psalm 119:147 I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word. (NIV)
  • Psalm 130:7 …hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is great power to redeem. (NRSV)
  • Job 14:7 There is hope for a tree that has been cut down; it can come back to life and sprout. (GNT)
  • Jeremiah 17:17 You alone are my hope in the day of disaster. (NLT)
  • Lamentations 3: 19-24 I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left. (MSG)
  • 1 Corinthians 13:7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (NLT)
  • Hebrews 6:18-20 We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us. (MSG)
  • Hebrews 6:19 This hope is a safe anchor for our souls. It will never move. This hope goes into the Holiest Place of All behind the curtain of heaven. (NLV)

Hope is what keeps us going. It is our anchor in the storm of grief, when we feel like we are going under and can’t get back to the surface to breathe.

I pray that what you have read here gives you at least a glimmer of needed hope as we are on this unwanted journey together.

If you are one of my podcast listeners, you know I will have to end this blog with one more word of hope, literally, which is my acronym for hope.

Hold

On

Pain

Eases

There is HOPE!

 

The above scriptures are just a few of thirty-six verses which were read on podcast episode 192. To listen to all of them being read to you, click here.

You can also get a downloadable PDF of all thirty-six scriptures. Just submit your name and email address below. (This will also put you on the Weekly Word of Hope email list which you can unsubscribe from at any time.)

 

 

Laura’s next book will be coming out soon! It is called Reflections of Hope: A Daily Reading for Bereaved Parents. You can find out more about it here.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

  • Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
  • Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on our private Facebook page or our public Facebook page. 
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: bereaved parents support, child loss, dealing with grief after loss, faith and healing, finding hope after loss, God's love in grief, GPS Hope, grief and hope, grief journey, grief support, grieving parents, hope in grief, hope in loss, hope in the storm, hope scriptures, peace after child loss, spiritual healing after grief, spiritual strength in grief, surviving grief

March 7, 2021 by Laura Diehl 2 Comments

Our Grief is Like…

 

There are many ways to illustrate what our grief is like after the death of our child. Here are the four that I seem to relate to the most.

  1. The loss of our child is like having an amputation. Part of our very being has been cut off from us, and we have to figure out how to live with that piece of us missing.

I had a front row seat to this, since our daughter, Becca, had her little left leg amputated when she was only 3 years old, due to cancer in her bone (osteogenic sarcoma). Read her story here. She “recovered,” but her life was never the same.

There was obviously a major scar because she only had a stump instead of her leg. She didn’t look like the other kids. She couldn’t run and keep up with them. She had limitations. Every day she woke up with the reminder that her leg was missing, and every day, sometimes multiple times a day, she had to be determined not to let it stop her from still having a fulfilling life.

With Becca gone now, there are constant painful reminders of that fact. I don’t look like other parents. I have a hard time keeping up with life sometimes because of my limitations.  Every day I have to be determined to not let her death keep me from having a fulfilling life with those who are still here.

If my three-year-old daughter could figure out how to live with a piece of her cut off, then so can I! She was the greatest example of anyone I know, who persevered and didn’t let something like an amputated leg keep her from still having a wonderful life for the twenty-nine years she had here on this earth.

  1. Grief is like carrying a large sharp rock in your pants pocket. At first you are very aware of it, as it bangs against your leg with every movement. It might even cut and bruise your leg, making it more painful.

After a while, you are aware it is there, but it doesn’t bother you as much. Then you move on to times where you consciously forget the rock is there as you go throughout your day. But whenever you reach into your pocket to grab something else, as your hand feels the rock, you remember…

Sometimes you bump up hard against something, and that rock cuts or bruises you again, and you are back to walking tenderly, waiting for it to heal.

There are times you will put your hand in your pocket because you want (or need) to feel the rock. Some of those times you will even pull the rock out to hold it and look at it, but it eventually goes back into your pocket.

Even if we change pants, the rock will always go with us, into the new pocket.

  1. Grief is like the ocean waves. You feel like you have been shipwrecked and there are huge waves crashing over you with no mercy. Every time you try to come up for air, all you can do is get a quick gasp, only to be tumbled around by another wave crashing over you. When you think you can’t take any more (multiple times), the waves start coming further apart. At least now you can catch your breath.

Eventually the waves aren’t as big, making it easier to get back to the top when you get thrown under them.

Calm waters eventually come, but there will still be waves and storms that send you swirling, being thrown underneath the water again, leaving you gasping for air. But each time, you get better at maneuvering through them. You also know they will stop at some point and the calm waters will come once again.

  1. Grief is like carrying a backpack of rocks up a mountain. At first you can’t move under the weight, as you look up to where you need to go, believing it is impossible. With much effort and struggle, you begin to slowly inch your way forward.

After a while, you are able to stand up and take some steps, even though you often stumble backward and fall down under the weight of the backpack. As you continue to struggle, eventually, you discover to your shock, that you are walking up the mountain. It’s hard, but you’re doing it.

The backpack of rocks becomes easier to carry as your strength builds. However, there are times you need to take a rest. Some rests are relatively short. Others take longer because you are once again feeling the full weight of what you are carrying.

The longer you climb, the easier it gets, and the fewer rests you seem to need. But you will always continue to have the backpack of rocks to carry and have the effects of it.

I have also learned that there are no “stages of grief” after a deep loss, like the death of one’s child. As an FYI, the five stages of grief were presented by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross for those who are terminally ill. They are the stages a person works through upon receiving the news that they are going to die. It was not for those who are still here after a loss.

So, with that, I have one more analogy.

Our grief is like a very tangled up ball of yarn and each of us has our own individual mess of yarn to untangle. I have knit since junior high, learning through 4-H, and have dealt with more tangled balls and skeins of yarn than I could ever count! There have been times the tangle was so frustrating that I quit trying and just put it away for another time. There have also been times I literally cut the yarn into pieces, trying to get it untangled (which made for a lot of ends to have to knit together)!

But eventually, whatever I was working on was finished and it brought joy to whomever it was intended for, including myself. One thing I have noticed, is that over the years I have gotten better at untangling the messes, and don’t have to cut it into pieces anymore.

Grief is hard work. Fortunately, it does get easier, even though we will deal with the pain of our loss for the rest of our time here on earth.

If you feel like you haven’t gotten very far and that you should be further along than you are, don’t allow yourself to get discouraged. You will get there, as you continue this unwanted journey, one step (or one tangle) at a time.

Whatever you do, don’t compare where you are to anyone else, especially those who have never experienced the death of their child! You are untangling your own messy ball of grief, and it is unlike anyone else’s. There is no right or wrong way and there are NO time limits!

Do any of these illustrations resonate with you? Let me know in the comments below. Also, maybe you can find a tangible item (or a picture) and put it somewhere you can see, to remind yourself that even though it might be really hard right now, as you keep going, eventually it will get better.

One final thought: You might want to share this, so that others around you can get a better understanding that our grief is like…

 

 

 

Do you struggle with guilt from your child’s death? We would like to send you the eBook, Ten Tips to Overcome Guilt. Just submit your name and email address below. You will also begin to receive a Weekly Word of Hope for bereaved parents (which you can easily unsubscribe from at any time).

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

  • Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
  • Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: bereaved parent journey, bereaved parents, child death grief, child loss healing, coping with child loss, emotional pain of grief, grief after child loss, grief analogies for parents, grief and faith, grief and healing, grief is like, grief journey analogies, grief metaphors, grief support, grieving a child, grieving parents, grieving process, healing after child death, healing from grief, hope after losing a child, illustrations of grief, journey of grief, overcoming loss, stages of grief misconceptions, untangling grief

May 17, 2020 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

Tips to Help Get Through the First Couple of Years After the Death of Your Child

Here are some specific practical things grieving parents can do to help themselves during those first couple of years.

Some of these things you will immediately think, “I could never do that!” and that’s okay, even expected. But there should be at least one or two things that give hope and seem doable.

There are no shortcuts to this; only ways to help ease the burden of it at times. But before you get to the list of thoughts and suggestions, here are a few things that are helpful to know:

  • Anything under five years for the death of one’s child is considered fresh grief, so it’s okay to be a mess for the first few years.
  • The death of one’s child is considered a trauma (and many parents also have PTSD). Give yourself lots of grace, especially when others around you don’t.
  • You must go through this; there is no way around it. Sorry…
  • There is no timetable.
  • Moving forward does not mean you are leaving your child behind.
  • You will survive.
  • You are not alone!

After sharing those things that are important to know, here is the list of practical things to consider doing, to help you see light in the darkness and hope when you feel hopeless.

  1. Perspective – Ask God to give you His perspective on something that is plaguing you with fear, anxiety or panic because of your limited view. God has done that for me so often, and it really helps to see these intensely painful thoughts through His infinite eternal eyes instead of my own limited earthly ones.
  2. Do your best to stop the “What ifs” and “Whys” – They serve absolutely no purpose, they won’t bring your child back, and they can send you spiraling down further into that suffocating pit. These thoughts just bring torment.Instead, start asking God “How?” How is He going to help you get through this? How is He going to get you to want to live again without your child? How is He possibly going to take something this horrific and bring even remotely good from it? (Those are the questions He likes to answer.)
  3. Start a thankfulness journal – What we focus on will consume us. Allow yourself to start seeing what is still around you. Every night, make yourself write down 3 things you can be thankful for.It could be as small as I noticed a bird chirping today for the first time since my child died, or I walked by the bakery and it smelled really good, or I didn’t start crying today until I got into the shower instead of when I first woke up.
  4. Forgive – When our child dies, there are so many people we need to forgive from the person who caused it, people around us who are hurting us in our grief, ourselves, our child for leaving us, and yes, God. Unforgiveness is extremely heavy baggage we carry around. Forgiveness is not for others, to let them off the hook, but to release ourselves from them, lightening our load. (The Grieving Parents Sharing Hope Podcast has an entire series on forgiveness and those we may need to forgive. Go to www.gpshope.org/podcast episodes 1-8.)
  5. Laughter – You will probably feel guilty the first time you laugh. “How can I possibly be happy when my child died? What kind of an awful parent am it?” It is important to get yourself past that, by thinking about the fact that your child is beyond happy where he or she is! They are full of joy beyond what we will ever be able to experience here on this earth. They are HAPPY, and it is okay for you to be happy again while here on earth. This separation, as painful as it is, is only temporary.
  6. Music – God created music to be a pathway to our soul. I spent hours and hours soaking my soul in music that reminded me how big God is, how faithful He is, how much He loves me and my family, and sometimes just instrumental music as I sobbed, allowing God to comfort my shattered heart. Make sure the music you listen to isn’t about despondency, depression and darkness. That isn’t what you should be feeding into your soul and it will keep you in that suffocating place much longer.
  7. Pick up an old hobby or start a new one – I know someone who got the equipment and went back to the days when she used to make pottery. Another friend started refinishing furniture and making wood signs with sayings and now has her own indoor booth area locally to sell them. Find a hobby that will help take your thoughts off of your loss for a while. (Yes, the sadness will still be there, but it is helpful to be able to have your thoughts occupied with something that your hands are doing.) Sewing, gardening, get back to stamping, coloring, do paint-by-numbers, start a collection of something, take an auto mechanics course… the options are endless!
  8. Get out and walk or do something active – I know we have such a huge lack of energy that even taking a shower can wipe us out for the day. But we need to take care of ourselves and get moving, even if it is just to walk up and down the block each day. I know of at least two parents who started running marathons after their child died. Our physical health affects our mental, emotional and even spiritual health. Being in deep grief has gotten our bodies majorly out of whack, and the sooner we can do things to help our physical health (like move around instead of just sitting in a chair staring all day), the sooner it will trickle to the other areas of our emotions, our mental health, and help our spirits to be more easily strengthened.
  9. Eat healthy and drink lots of water – Even if food has no taste and you have no appetite, you need nourishment. I admit, I am one to run to comfort foods and am still paying the price with the extra weight it gave me. Even if it is one small healthy meal a day, and several small glasses of water, it will start taking an effect and you will be better equipped to handle the grieving process.
  10. Volunteer – Help others. This one is a key that many grieving parents find successful. There is something about helping others that lifts your heaviness a bit and opens your heart to warmth and goodness. Serve in a soup kitchen, volunteer at the local animal shelter, help at a local food or clothing bank. Help raise money for an organization that has a special place in your heart because of your child. There are so many great organizations that need feet on the ground to keep their doors open.
  11. Get a pet – I know of several grieving parents who got a pet to help comfort them and bring some joy into their lives after the death of their child and just can’t say enough about how much it has helped them, both emotionally and physically. (Most of them got dogs – I am a cat person, myself.)
  12. Be aware of your self-talk and your thoughts – His light is still in us, His peace is in us, the seed of Hope is in us. Your mind is active all the time. It is either thinking positive thoughts or negative thoughts. Do your best not to let it become the devil’s playground with fear, doubt, lies and anxiety. When you find yourself struggling with so much overwhelming darkness and negativity, look at the things above and pick something that will pull you out of that place. If that doesn’t work, pick something else. Do what you can to try and not to stay in that place for days and weeks on end.
  13. Think of heaven – our future to come and where our child is. Heaven is a wonderful place! And now that our child is there, we want to skip the rest of our time here and be there with him or her! (Jesus told us that where our treasure is, our heart will be also, so it makes sense that our heart is in heaven with our child.) Books are great for this! There are several great books that bring the reality of heaven closer, which brings our child closer. Fact: God gave us the gift of imagination. We can either imagine the horrible things that keep us in darkness and panic, or we can imagine the joy and fun our children are having right now. It’s our choice. One keeps us in chains, the other can set us free.

I want to end by sharing what may be THE most important practical thing you can do, which is to urge you to connect with others who are ahead of you on this journey.

I know you may feel like you don’t want to be pulled down even more by being around a bunch of other people who have lost their children and are a mess like you. That is exactly what I thought, so it took me three years to meet up with other bereaved parents. And when I did, I wish I had done it sooner, because it did the exact opposite. It was a relief and so healing to be around a bunch of other people who had also lost their child and were a mess like me!

They got it. I didn’t have to wear a mask or explain any emotions. I didn’t have to feel guilty for laughing at something or stupid for crying. I didn’t have to apologize for wanting to talk about my daughter, or for not wanting to talk about her.  And I found out that so many things that I thought were me going crazy and losing it for so long, were all a normal part of grieving the death of my daughter, Becca.

So, I encourage you to look for those who have found their way out of the darkness and are willing to go back in and walk with others in their place of darkness; those who will not only give you hope, but will be that hope for you, until you find it for yourself.

 

If these tips were helpful, you may also be interested in getting a PDF of Thirty Suggestions to Help Bring Ourselves Comfort and Take Care of Ourselves. Just let us know where to send it. 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

 

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

  • Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
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Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: coping with grief, emotional support for parents, finding peace after grief, forgiveness in grief, grief support, grieving parents, healing after child loss, healing journey, hope after loss, overcoming grief, practical steps for grieving parents, self-care for grieving parents, support for bereaved parents

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