healing through grief Archives

by Valorie Breslau

This Mom’s Grief

Have a good day….

How will I ever be able?

My smile forever different

And broken

My world now unstable.

All my tomorrows without you

Frighten me to no end.

Dear Lord,

How can I do this without

my beautiful son, my friend?

What matters is different

Same no more.

What I wouldn’t give

To have you crash through

The front door.

The person I was has left

And can no

Longer be,

Because someone so special

Has been taken from me.

My heart is still beating

The same one that gave you life,

Most days I wonder

How, when it has been cut

With a knife.

The knife is called death

So final and dark,

It’s taste in my mouth

Has left its scarred mark.

The life I once knew

Is broken and split in two

My existence is now measured

in living with and

then without you

Time will change ME,

Not make this go away.

I must surrender to knowing,

We will hug again

Someday!

I am changed by your death

until I take my last breath.

How long will that be?

Soon,

Is fine by me!

Until then,

I must trust the Lord with

My hourly request,

Please God,

Give me some rest!

Valerie Breslau is a mother of four sons and a grandmother of two. She is married to her high school sweetheart. Many years ago as a young woman, she gave her life to the Lord and her strong faith has been the light that guides her path. As a newly grieving mom, she knows the only way to survive the depth of despair is to lean into God more than ever. Only he can save her from the intense darkness of grief. She is trusting God for hope and joy as she learns to navigate this painful new normal after the death of her son.

It is important to take care of ourselves, and that can be really hard in our place of deep grief. We may even struggle with not wanting to do anything in the way of self-care. At GPS Hope, we understand that, and have done what we can to help, by putting together a list of 30 simple ways you can bring yourself comfort and take care of yourself. To have it sent to you, just submit your name and email. (You will also begin to receive a Weekly Word of Hope, which you can unsubscribe from at any time.)

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
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As I sit here at my desk, I am surrounded by memories of my daughter, Becca. It always amazes me how some days memories can make me smile, and other days they bring tears.

Holidays definitely have the same affect on me. Some moments, some days, some years are filled with tears, and others are filled with warm memories that bring smiles and even laughter.

And I have learned that it’s okay. It’s okay to be smiling one moment and crying the next. It’s okay to be able to go to one event and but not go to the next event. It’s okay to want to talk about my child with someone who misses her. It’s okay to not want to talk about my child right now to anyone. It’s okay to fall apart and be a mess because something triggered a wave of grief, and it’s okay to have that happen with no explanation. It’s okay to finally have a burst of energy one day, and the next day not even get out of bed.

It’s okay to not be okay! Let me say that again, a little louder this time. Especially as a bereaved parent:

IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY!

And that is encouraging. Well, maybe not to those who have never faced a deep loss like ours. But if you are anything like me, this was a relief when I found out it is not only okay to be like this, but it is NORMAL!

It gave me so much hope to know that there are other bereaved parents who seem to have figured out how to live without their child, who were once in the same “not okay” place that I still find myself in at times.

So, what do we do?

How can you deal with all of this holiday stuff that is just so hard, and the people around you don’t understand why you are struggling so much? There are some events we can avoid, but how about the ones we really have to attend, and just have to figure out how to get through them?

May I offer a few suggestions to help you face the holiday events you just can’t seem to avoid in a way that will bring some relief to you, if only for a few moments.

1. Take a memory book, and ask people to write something to your child and a special memory.
2. Ask them to make a toast specifically acknowledging by name all family members who have passed on.
3. Play one of your child’s favorite upbeat songs and have everyone dance to it (even something fun like the Chicken Dance Song or Let It Go).
4. Have a silly hat contest, with your child’s favorite color featured. (This would have to be planned ahead, and might make a wonderful yearly tradition. Do the hats each year, or change it up.)
5. Find photos of the family members/friends with your child, and make it into a video with music everyone will enjoy watching.
6. Take a movie your child liked to watch, and ask the group you are with to watch it with you.

And if none of these suggestions seem like they will make you want to be there, guess what? It’s okay!

People around us who have never lost a child will say time heals, (which is why they think we should be over the death of our child after a year or two). As a bereaved parent who has been on this journey for six years, I don’t believe that. I believe it is a chain reaction of where we allow and train our thoughts to go, which affects the choices we make, which affects what we do with our time, which brings a measure of needed healing. (That’s a bit to unpack, which is better to leave to another article.)

Some of us are also told in this life, “It’s not about you.” But the truth is, sometimes it is. Only you know what is right for you as a bereaved parent through the holiday season. But whatever you do, do it with HOPE.

HOPE – Hold On, Pain Eases!

Based on those I have talked to who are much further down the road than I am, I will never say the pain ends. But it can eventually ease, depending on some of the choices you make with your thoughts and actions.

But if you are just in survival mode right now, that’s okay. Do what you need to do to get through it!

And let me end by saying, don’t expect people who have never faced a holiday season with the death of their child to understand. Those of us who are bereaved parents ahead of you on the path know that it’s okay not to be okay, because we are still not okay without our child.

If you would like thirty suggestions to help bring yourself comfort and take care of yourself body, soul, and spirit, just fill in your name and email address below, and we would be happy to get it right to you.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.