Everything can be going great. Life feels full of joy, success, and promise. That’s how it was for Kim Harms and her family. Her son, Eric, was the high school drum major, a strong Christian, made the Dean’s List in college, and was following his dreams. 

Then, everything changed.

Forty-five minutes after his girlfriend broke up with him, Eric took his own life.

“We went from on top of the world—our son excelling in every way—to, ‘He’s dead. He’s gone.’ All at once. No warning,” Kim recalls. “Our world was shattered. You can’t even describe it. Your worst nightmare becomes your new reality.”

In the aftermath, she felt completely lost. “I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Everything was a mess.”

A Wake-Up Call

One night, Kim’s cousin confronted her. “Don’t you dare let your remaining children feel that they are not enough,” he said.

That moment shook her. She realized that her grief was beginning to consume everyone around her. “Our grief isn’t just about us. It affects everyone we’re around. My husband had just had a liver transplant. He needed me. My two daughters needed me.”

That moment gave her the courage to begin clawing her way out of the darkness.

I, Laura, remember when my own daughter told me she felt like I thought the wrong daughter died. It was devastating to hear, but also eye-opening. We must remember that our living children, our spouses, and even those we’ve yet to meet still need us here.

Living Again After Loss

Kim feared having grandchildren. “I didn’t want any more people in my life that I could lose.” But today, she has six. And because of therapy, medication, hard emotional work, and leaning on God, she’s able to be fully present with them.

“I can go to weddings and funerals without drowning in grief. I feel the twang, but I don’t fall into the pit anymore. My message? Fight. Keep fighting. Trust God.”

From Wanting to Go to Fighting to Stay

When we first lose a child, we often feel like we don’t want to be here anymore. I remember saying to God, “Just get me out of here.” But over time, He changed my perspective. 

And eventually, like Kim, I have been amazed with finding myself fighting to stay.

Even if you do not have other children, grandchildren, or a spouse, it is worth trusting God and fighting to stay for reasons you don’t even know yet, or people you haven’t met yet.

Rediscovering Identity and Purpose

“We don’t just lose our child,” Kim explains, “we lose our identity.”

After her husband’s death, Kim was struck by the truth: “God was done with him. But He wasn’t done with me.” She still had a purpose, even if she didn’t yet know what it was.

“All the pain is wasted unless we use it to help others.”

A Joy That Seemed Impossible

For Kim, that purpose came in the form of something she never could have planned: traveling to Rwanda and starting a memorial library in Eric’s name. That first library has now grown to over 65 libraries and 350,000 books and she returns every couple of years. 

It started with meeting someone from Rwanda, then knowing someone connected to Books for Africa, who made a suggestion. 

Finding Purpose Doesn’t Mean Big or Loud

When pareavors ask how to find purpose again, I often tell them: just follow the bread crumbs. You don’t have to chase a big ministry or some grand vision. Just press into God, no matter how you feel, because lament is still relationship. 

Trust Him to lead you, in His timing, by following the trail of breadcrumbs. Kim is a great example of finding meaning and purpose after the death of a child.

The Greatest Legacy

Kim once told a group of very poor widows in Rwanda, many who felt they had nothing left to give after the huge genocides, “Jesus left no money behind. His legacy was love. You can give a legacy of love, every single day, to anyone around you. And that is the greatest legacy any of us can leave.”

When you begin to give love again, it comes back to you. The grief doesn’t disappear, but love softens the edges and brings new light and begins to give your life meaning and purpose. 

You Still Matter

When we lose a child, it’s easy to feel like our life no longer matters. But that’s a lie. Your life still matters.

Many of us talk to ourselves in a way we would never talk to someone else. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend. You are loved and cared for by a magnificent God. Try to see yourself as God sees you. 

Even if you don’t feel it—especially if you don’t—remember that God still sees you. He still loves you. And He still has a purpose for you.

It’s Worth the Fight

To give purpose and meaning after the death of your child, is something God wants to do for you. To have joy and contentment again, even while carrying the pain of missing your child, is a miracle He has for you. 

Finding your way out of the darkness and into a place of living with meaning and purpose is not easy, but it is absolutely worth the fight. Keep hanging on to God with everything you’ve got and follow those breadcrumbs. It is also worth the miracle you never thought could or would happen to find meaning and purpose after the death of your child.

Reach out and take it.

NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 302. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

You can grieve while holding on to grace. And that means letting go of guilt.

If this touched your heart, I encourage you to share it with another grieving parent who may be quietly asking the same questions.

And if you’d like more encouragement, I’ve created a free resource called 10 Tips to Overcome Guilt. You can download below.

Remember: It’s okay to grieve while holding on to grace.

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AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.