When your child leaves this earth, it feels like you’ve fallen into a pit so deep that you’ll never find your way out. If that’s where you are today, I want you to know you’re not alone. When grief feels like a pit after child loss, it can seem as though the darkness has become your permanent home. I understand that feeling because I’ve been there myself.
Not long ago, I ran into someone I hadn’t seen in several years. After we visited for a few minutes, she smiled and said, “Laura, you look wonderful. You look ten years younger, and there’s a sparkle in your eyes.”
Those words stayed with me for days.
It wasn’t because she thought I looked younger. It was because there was a season after Becca died when I honestly believed no one would ever notice a sparkle in my eyes again. My face reflected grief. My voice reflected grief. My entire life reflected grief. I wasn’t thinking about the future. I was simply trying to survive one day at a time.
As I thought about what she said, I realized something. That sparkle didn’t appear overnight. There wasn’t one particular day when everything suddenly changed. Instead, God had been quietly and patiently working in my life for years. So quietly, in fact, that I didn’t even recognize what He was doing until someone else noticed it.
That made me think about where so many grieving parents find themselves.
The Enemy Wants You to Stay in the Pit
I’ve often described child loss as being thrown into suffocating darkness. Lately, another picture I have also used has come to the forefront of my mind. It’s like being thrown into a deep pit. Not one we chose. Not one we deserved. One moment life seemed normal, and in the next, everything changed.
The enemy would love for us to believe that this pit is where we’ll spend the rest of our lives.
Jesus tells us in John 10:10 that the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. I don’t believe that’s limited to the moment our child dies. The enemy wants to keep stealing. He wants to steal our hope, our peace, our purpose, and even our confidence that God still has a future for us.
His whispers sound convincing.
“Your life is over.”
“You’ll never laugh again.”
“God has forgotten you.”
But none of those thoughts come from the heart of God.
Healing Does Not Mean Leaving Your Child Behind
One of the greatest fears many of us have as bereaved parents is that if we begin healing, somehow, we’re leaving our child behind. Maybe you’ve caught yourself laughing and immediately felt guilty. Maybe you’ve looked forward to something and wondered if you should. Maybe you’ve smiled during a family gathering and then questioned whether your child would think you’d forgotten them.
Can I gently remind you of something?
The depth of our grief is not what proves the depth of our love.
I love Becca every bit as much today as I did the day she was born. Putting the pieces of my shattered heart back together has never changed that. What God has been changing is my understanding of what it means to keep living while I wait to see her again.
That’s why, when grief feels like a pit after child loss, we don’t have to be afraid of healing. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean loving our child less. It simply means allowing God to keep walking beside us as we carry both our grief and our love.
God Walks With You One Step at a Time
Most grieving parents don’t wake up one morning feeling whole again. God usually works much more quietly than that. He strengthens us for today. He reminds us of His faithfulness. He gives us enough grace for one more step, and then another. Before we even realize it, we’ve begun moving forward, not because we’ve become strong enough, but because He has faithfully stayed beside us.
That’s one reason I love Psalm 23. David didn’t say God removed the valley. He didn’t say God explained the valley. He simply said, “You are with me.”
I’ve asked God many “why” questions over the years, and there are still many I can’t answer. But beneath every one of those questions was another one: “God, will You stay with me?”
His answer has always been yes.
Another question I had for Him was “how.” Questions like, “How are you going to put me back together so that I even want to still be here?
“He lifted me out of the pit of despair…He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.” Psalm 40:2 doesn’t say how, but it does say that He did it for David, which means He will do it for me, and He will do it for you.
Notice that David says God steadied him as he walked. That’s exactly how my own journey has been. There wasn’t one dramatic moment when everything changed. Instead, God faithfully steadied me, one day at a time. Looking back now, I can see His fingerprints all over my journey, even during the seasons when I couldn’t see what He was doing.
That gives me hope for every pareavor who is reading this today. When grief feels like a pit after child loss, it doesn’t mean you’ll live there forever. The Shepherd who walks into the pit with you is the same Shepherd who patiently leads you out of it.
The Pit Is Not Your Permanent Home
If you are still deep in that pit today, I don’t want my story to make you feel pressured. I simply want it to remind you that God is still with you, even if you can’t feel His presence right now.
Maybe today all you can pray is, “Jesus, help me.”
That is enough.
Maybe all you can believe is that when grief feels like a pit after child loss, the pit is not your permanent home.
That is enough for today, too.
A Sparkle That Only God Could Restore
One day, you may look back and realize what I eventually realized. God wasn’t just helping you survive. He was quietly transforming you all along. Not into the person you were before your child died, because that person no longer exists, but into someone who knows His faithfulness in a deeper way than ever before.
Your grief will always be part of your story. Your love for your child certainly will be. But by God’s grace, grief does not have to be the only thing others see. Over time, they may begin to notice something else as well; the quiet evidence of a faithful God who has been walking beside you every step of the way.
NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 355. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.
BP USA, July 23-26 in Pittsburg
Umbrella Ministries, August 14-16 in Colorado Springs
GPS Hope & Healing retreat, October 16-18, in Sarasota, FL
GPS Hope & Healing Grief Cruise, October 3-10 leaving from Port Canaveral
Check out all the GPS Hope resources here.
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If you’re walking this road after the loss of your child and would like something to come alongside you, I’ve created a gentle resource from my own journey that you are welcome to download below.
AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.
In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.
For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.
The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope.
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