After the death of our child, one of the first and most desperate questions we cry out to God is: Why?

Why did this happen to my child?
Why didn’t God stop it?
Why couldn’t I have done something differently, so they’d still be here?

If you’ve asked those questions, you are not alone. Every grieving parent knows the ache of wanting answers. I’ve been there too.

But here’s something I’ve learned on my own grief journey: the “why” question may not be the one that will actually help us heal. In fact, there’s another question we can ask God; one that He delights in answering that can open our hearts to His comfort, love, and even the possibility of hope after losing a child.

Wrestling With “Why” in Grief

When you are grieving the loss of a child, “why” feels like the only thing that matters. We want an explanation that makes the pain make sense.

But most of the time, God doesn’t give us the “why” here on earth. And even if He did, I’m not sure it would feel like enough because it would not make sense in our intense pain and limited understanding from our finite minds. We would probably argue with Him on why His answer isn’t good enough.

At one of our GPS Hope & Healing retreats, I shared something from my book When Tragedy Strikes. I had once heard the phrase:

“Spiritual blessings come wrapped in trials.”

My reaction was, “Well, losing a child is a pretty deep trial to wrap a blessing in!”

And in that moment, I felt God whisper to my heart: “I know… because My Son died. And it was wrapped in the blessing of you.”

That changed something inside me. It didn’t erase the pain, but it did make me determined to hold on to Him as tight as I could until I could start to see some of those blessing in my life, like Jacob did when wrestling the angel in Genesis 32. (Jacob refused to let go until the angel blessed him.)

It also began to shift my focus away from demanding “why” to being willing to ask something else.

Seeing God’s Bigger Picture

Years before Becca died, when fresh out of college, it took a while for my husband, Dave, to get a local job in his career field. The only offer he got was from a nonprofit that paid very little. We seemed to be barely scraping by, with my working as a supervisor at a fast-food restaurant. 

But that job came with incredible medical insurance, which is something we did not know that we would desperately need when Becca was diagnosed with cancer at only three years old. Nine months of chemo. Having her little leg amputated. Hospital stays. Over $500,000 in medical bills (this was back in the late 1980’s) but we only had to pay about $1,000 of it.

But God saw the bigger picture. He knew we would need those medical expenses covered and already had the provision in place.  

A Better Question to Ask God After Child Loss

If “why” doesn’t help us, but leaves us spinning in our intense pain, what should we ask instead?

For me, it became the question “how?”

• How are You going to get me through this?
• How are You going to help me want to live again?
• How could You possibly bring anything good from something so horrible?

And I’ve learned that God loves answering the “how” question.

It’s in the “how” that we experience His presence. It’s in the “how” that His love begins to seep into the cracks of our shattered heart.

God’s Power to Do the Impossible

Ephesians 3:20 tells us that God is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we can ask or imagine.

Before Becca died, I thought of that verse in terms of happy surprises from God. Now, I see it as a deep promise to those of us in grief.

When you can only imagine darkness for the rest of your life, God can imagine something else. He sees light, hope, purpose. Things you and I cannot see in the suffocating darkness of grief.

1 Corinthians 2:9 says, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him.” I no longer see this being about a life of constant blessings. It’s about a God who is preparing something good, even for those of us who are in the deepest pit of grief.

Letting Go of “Why”

If you’re still in that place where you can barely breathe, just trying to make it through the next hour, please hear this: the “why” may never be answered here. But the “how” will.

Ask Him, “God, how are You going to bring life into this death I feel inside?” And then hang on, like Jacob did, saying, “I’m not letting go until You bless me.”

Because He will. And when He does, it won’t erase the loss, but it will bring life to you again. You may not feel like you want it now, but when you do, He will be waiting to answer your question of “how.” 

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NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 310. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

If September is a rough month for you, and you need help taking the next step toward hope, GPS Hope offers Reflections of Hope: Daily Reading for Bereaved Parents – September Edition. It’s filled with daily encouragement and short readings designed to meet you right where you are. (There is a book for every month of the year for just those difficult months, or you can get the full year in one hardback book.) 

Click here to order your copy. www.gpshope.org/reflections

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope. 

I recently sat down with two courageous mothers—Deborah and Marie—who both cared for medically fragile children from their birth, until their final breath. Our conversation was filled with tender memories, raw honesty, and the unique realities of parenting a child whose life is both beautiful and fragile.

A Celebration Worth Every Moment

Deborah shared the incredible story of her daughter Aria’s quinceañera—a 15th birthday celebration in Mexican culture that marks the transition from girlhood to womanhood. Planning began a year in advance, always with the understanding that Aria’s health could change quickly.

They constantly reminded her, “You don’t have to do this.” But Aria’s response was always clear: “Why wouldn’t I want to? This is for me.” She chose her own dress, touching and feeling the fabrics since she was legally blind, and relished every detail.

Despite getting sick the week before, Aria woke up on the day of her party feeling better than she had in weeks. 

Deborah and her husband invited only those who had been a genuine part of Aria’s life—people who had made the intentional choice to be present around a child with disabilities. It became a beautiful, love-filled celebration.

A year later, Aria was gone. But that day remained a treasured memory of one last, grand moment to show her just how loved she was.

Maxx’s Everyday Joy

Marie described her son Maxx as the “boss of the house,” always smiling and laughing. He could wave, say a few words, and even invented his own sign for “mama.”

He loved Mickey Mouse, and if anyone blocked the TV during his show, he’d let them know he wasn’t happy. Meals often included his favorite—tomato soup with crackers, mashed up so they could share together.

Life with Maxx meant constant hospital visits and doctor’s appointments, but Marie accepted it: “As long as he’s alive, this is his life. I’m going to take care of him.”

When the Caregiving Ends

I asked a question many caregivers are afraid to voice; when their child passes, do they feel any relief? And if so, do they feel guilty about it?

For Deborah, the relief wasn’t from the work of caregiving, but from knowing Aria was no longer suffering. In her last days, Deborah felt Aria may have been holding on for her and her husband. “We told her, ‘It’s okay. Mom and dad will be fine. If it’s time to go, go.’”

The harder guilt came later, when the ache of missing her made Deborah wish she could have her back, even if it meant she’d still be sick.

Marie’s experience was different—there was no relief. Caring for Maxx had been her normal for nine years. But she has wrestled deeply with anger at God for taking him, a feeling that has softened but never fully left.

Faith in the Aftermath

After Aria’s death, Deborah found herself in a spiritual fog. A lifelong Christian, she struggled to hear God’s voice the way she used to. “Everything is different now, even our relationship with the Lord.”

Marie admits her relationship with God has been strained. Early on, she told me plainly, “I hate God for taking my son.” Over time, she says that anger has moved to the back of her mind, but it hasn’t disappeared.

Words for Other Parents

Both women stressed one thing above all: take care of yourself.

Marie ignored her own health after Maxx’s death and ended up in the hospital with “brokenhearted syndrome” just a month later. Her advice: “You put your child first for so many years—put you first for once.” Counseling, she says, was essential.

Deborah echoed that sentiment. Neglecting her health during Aria’s life caught up to her quickly after her passing, leading to serious medical issues. She also reminded parents to acknowledge all the losses—your child, your identity, your purpose, and even the medical and educational communities you were part of.

A Shared Journey

As we wrapped up, I thanked Deborah and Marie for being willing to speak with such honesty about the joy, the anger, the grief, and the enduring love for their children.

Some parts of their stories were the same, others were very different—but that’s the truth of grief. No two journeys look alike. And yet, by sharing Aria and Maxx with us, they remind every grieving parent that they are not alone.

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NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 309. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

Don’t forget to take a look at our “Pareavor with Hope” shirts and hats, featuring a heart that’s been broken and put back together. It’s more than just apparel—it’s a sacred reminder: we are pareavors, and we carry our grief with hope. Visit gpshope.org/store to see the full line.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope. 

Last week, I shared about being angry with God for not saving our child from death, and I ended by talking about the difference between a transactional relationship with God and one that’s deeply intimate, rooted in trust, even in the confusion and pain.

This week, I want to take that further. How do we move from a transactional relationship with God to one that’s truly relational?

We Expect Too Much, Too Fast

Let’s be honest. We’ve been trained by our culture to expect immediate results. 

But spiritual depth doesn’t come instantly. Our spiritual mothers and fathers knew how to wait on God. They learned to linger in His presence. Psalm 27 tells us to wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

When Dave and I were dating, he wanted to propose but kept hearing God say, “Wait.” He discovered that one meaning of “wait” in Scripture is “a carved work.” God wanted time to do a carved work in each of us before bringing us together. Isn’t that beautiful?

A Culture That Undermines Trust

The internet has made us skeptical. Just when we think we’ve found answers, a new expert comes along to contradict them. And now, with AI, you can’t always tell what’s real anymore.

This constant noise makes it harder to trust, especially when we’re already struggling in grief.

But Jesus said unless we change and become like little children, we won’t enter the Kingdom of Heaven; not heaven itself, but the Kingdom of heaven, which Romans 14:17 tells us is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.

Children aren’t cynical. When you tell a child you’re going to the zoo tomorrow, they don’t ask about traffic or weather. They get excited. That’s the kind of trust God wants from us.

From Transactional Faith to Transforming Intimacy

Many of us have built our lives on what we thought was faith, but when the storm hit—the death of our child—we realized it was more like shifting sand.

We go to church, read our Bibles, pray… but do we linger with God? Do we sit with Him, ask Him questions, and wait for answers?

A transactional relationship says, “I did my part, God. Why didn’t You do Yours?”

But He did do His part. He sent Jesus to remove the barrier between us. Now, it’s our part to move toward His outstretched arms and receive the intimacy He offers.

Ways to Connect with God on a Deeper Level

I want to share a few things that have personally helped me move into a more intimate relationship with God:

• Write with Him: I write down a question and then wait. As soon as thoughts come—thoughts that are kind and not condemning—I write. Often, what comes out surprises me. It’s not something I would have thought of on my own.
• Use Your Imagination: God gave us imagination for a reason. Instead of letting it spiral into worry or negativity, I picture myself in a peaceful place and invite Jesus into it. It may sound strange, but it becomes a sacred moment of comfort and connection.
• Listen Through Creation, Music, Art, and Movies: A song lyric or line from a movie can carry God’s whisper. I’ve had Him speak to me through nature and moments of silence. I have a friend who makes collages, allowing God to speak and minister to her through the creative process.
• Read the Bible Slowly: Don’t rush. When a verse tugs at your heart, stop. Sit with it. Read it again tomorrow. Let it go deep. It isn’t about how much you read. It is about how much of Him you take in as you read. 
• Wait on God: This is where intimacy is formed. Let go of demands. Rest in His presence. He will meet you there.

It’s Okay to Be Angry… But Don’t Stay There

You’re allowed to be angry with God. He can handle it. But don’t stay in that place. Don’t let your relationship remain stuck in a transaction: “I prayed. I served. You should have saved my child.”

That mindset robs you of the healing love that He wants to pour into your shattered heart.

Jesus said, “My sheep hear my voice.” You can hear Him. You can know Him. You can trust Him, even when you don’t understand Him. And you can have a relationship with Him that goes beyond transactional and  is one of true intimacy. 

The relationship with our child is one of the most important relationships we will ever have. Even though our child’s tangible presence may not be here with us on earth anymore, the most important relationship you can have on this earth is still here for you. And it will never be taken away.

A Final Thought

Let me leave you with something I recently heard: God’s love isn’t transactional. It’s a gift.

I encourage us all to open ourselves to receive it.

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NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 308. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

Don’t forget to take a look at our “Pareavor with Hope” shirts and hats, featuring a heart that’s been broken and put back together. It’s more than just apparel—it’s a sacred reminder: we are pareavors, and we carry our grief with hope. Visit gpshope.org/store to see the full line.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope.