I get enough emails on this topic that I knew it was time to talk about it in a deeper way. Some of you are wrestling with a haunting question that you may not even dare to say out loud:

Did God allow my child to die as a punishment for something I did—or didn’t do?

Let me say this as clearly and firmly as I can:

No. God is NOT punishing you.

I can say that with confidence, and I want to share why.

Suffering Is Not the Same as Punishment

The Bible gives us so many examples showing that suffering is not a sign of God’s punishment.

• John the Baptist was beheaded in his 30s, and yet Jesus said no prophet was greater than him (John 14:3–12).
• When Jesus healed the blind man in John 9, people asked, “Who sinned? This man or his parents?” Jesus said, “Neither.”
• Job was called blameless by God, yet he lost all 10 of his children and suffered immensely.
• Mary, the mother of our Savior, watched her perfect, sinless son be executed on a cross.

If suffering equals punishment, then Jesus’ death was pointless. But we know it wasn’t. He came to take on all the punishment—past, present, and future. That’s the gift of the cross.

Yes, we all deal with consequences in this life. If I speed, I might get a ticket or worse. But poverty, sickness, and suffering? These things are part of our fallen, broken world. The rain falls on the just and the unjust.

If God were punishing people by taking their children, we would see people dropping dead all around us because their parent messed up. That’s not how God works.

The World Is Violent—God Is Not

I watched a fascinating interview between Eugene Peterson (the translator of The Message Bible) and Bono from U2. One thing Bono said really stuck with me: “God isn’t a violent God, but the world is a violent place.”

We live in a broken world. And though your child’s death is tragic, it is not God’s punishment for anything you’ve done. If you’ve been carrying that weight, I invite you to lay it down at the foot of the cross—once and for all.

Let’s Talk About Guilt

Guilt comes in all kinds of forms. Maybe you feel like you should have said or done something differently. Sometimes what we call guilt is actually regret.

But I want to talk about a different kind of guilt—the kind where you feel responsible for something your child did.

A mom once emailed me about her son who died in a car accident. He crossed the center line, and not only did he lose his life, but so did two others. She was devastated and overwhelmed with guilt—not just for his death, but for what he had done.

But here’s the truth: it was an accident. No matter what caused it—distraction, fatigue, recklessness—it was not intentional. That’s what makes it an accident.

And it was not this mother’s fault. She wasn’t driving. She wasn’t even in the car. And yet she felt like she didn’t have the right to grieve her own son’s death as deeply as the parents who lost their daughter and unborn grandchild.

If this sounds familiar, I want to say something straight to your heart:

You do have the right to grieve your child—no matter the circumstances.

Your grief is real. It’s valid. And you are allowed to cry, to scream, to ache.

Sometimes we hold on to guilt as a way to “pay” for our pain, thinking it makes our grief more acceptable. But sometimes that guilt is actually masking a deeper guilt—the guilt of letting ourselves grieve.

Let me ask you this: If your close friend’s child caused an accident like this, would you tell her she was a bad mom? Would you say she should feel guilty? Of course not.

You would probably wrap your arms around her, offer compassion, and remind her that what happened wasn’t her fault.

So why do you believe this about yourself? Your child’s death, no matter how it happened, is a devastating loss. And your right to grieve is not dependent on the circumstances.

Releasing Guilt That Isn’t Yours

I watched a TED Talk by the mother of one of the Columbine shooters. Her son killed twelve students and a teacher before taking his own life. The world shamed her: “How could you not know?” She took on that guilt for years.

Eventually, she realized that what her son did was not her fault. And now, she speaks out for greater awareness of mental illness.

Like her, it’s okay for you to let go of guilt that doesn’t belong to you.

Maybe in your head you already know this… but your heart hasn’t caught up yet. So let this truth settle into your soul:

Jesus already took your guilt. Before you were born. Before your child was born. He carried it all to the cross—your sin, your shame, your guilt—and paid the price in full.

You may be asking God to take away your guilt, but He already has. The gift is waiting. Now it’s your turn to accept it.

A better prayer might be:

“Lord, help me accept the gift of freedom that You’ve already given. Help me release this guilt that isn’t mine to carry. Help me walk in the freedom that You died to give me.”

Freedom Is Already Yours

If Christ is in you, then freedom is in you. We often think of that in relation to sin, but let’s go a step deeper.

Unforgiveness is a sin. And isn’t guilt often a form of not forgiving yourself?

I’m not saying this to heap more guilt on you. I’m saying it to give you another reason to let yourself off the hook.

You Are Not Being Punished

Let’s circle back to where we began:

You are not being punished.

God is not angry with you. He hasn’t turned His back on you.

If you’re struggling with guilt—over your child’s death, your parenting, or a thousand imagined “what ifs”—Jesus sees it. He carried it. He is offering you peace.

Reach out and take it.

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NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 301. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

You can grieve while holding on to grace. And that means letting go of guilt.

If this touched your heart, I encourage you to share it with another grieving parent who may be quietly asking the same questions.

And if you’d like more encouragement, I’ve created a free resource called 10 Tips to Overcome Guilt. You can download below.

Remember: It’s okay to grieve while holding on to grace.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.