Last week, I shared about being angry with God for not saving our child from death, and I ended by talking about the difference between a transactional relationship with God and one that’s deeply intimate, rooted in trust, even in the confusion and pain.

This week, I want to take that further. How do we move from a transactional relationship with God to one that’s truly relational?

We Expect Too Much, Too Fast

Let’s be honest. We’ve been trained by our culture to expect immediate results. 

But spiritual depth doesn’t come instantly. Our spiritual mothers and fathers knew how to wait on God. They learned to linger in His presence. Psalm 27 tells us to wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

When Dave and I were dating, he wanted to propose but kept hearing God say, “Wait.” He discovered that one meaning of “wait” in Scripture is “a carved work.” God wanted time to do a carved work in each of us before bringing us together. Isn’t that beautiful?

A Culture That Undermines Trust

The internet has made us skeptical. Just when we think we’ve found answers, a new expert comes along to contradict them. And now, with AI, you can’t always tell what’s real anymore.

This constant noise makes it harder to trust, especially when we’re already struggling in grief.

But Jesus said unless we change and become like little children, we won’t enter the Kingdom of Heaven; not heaven itself, but the Kingdom of heaven, which Romans 14:17 tells us is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.

Children aren’t cynical. When you tell a child you’re going to the zoo tomorrow, they don’t ask about traffic or weather. They get excited. That’s the kind of trust God wants from us.

From Transactional Faith to Transforming Intimacy

Many of us have built our lives on what we thought was faith, but when the storm hit—the death of our child—we realized it was more like shifting sand.

We go to church, read our Bibles, pray… but do we linger with God? Do we sit with Him, ask Him questions, and wait for answers?

A transactional relationship says, “I did my part, God. Why didn’t You do Yours?”

But He did do His part. He sent Jesus to remove the barrier between us. Now, it’s our part to move toward His outstretched arms and receive the intimacy He offers.

Ways to Connect with God on a Deeper Level

I want to share a few things that have personally helped me move into a more intimate relationship with God:

• Write with Him: I write down a question and then wait. As soon as thoughts come—thoughts that are kind and not condemning—I write. Often, what comes out surprises me. It’s not something I would have thought of on my own.
• Use Your Imagination: God gave us imagination for a reason. Instead of letting it spiral into worry or negativity, I picture myself in a peaceful place and invite Jesus into it. It may sound strange, but it becomes a sacred moment of comfort and connection.
• Listen Through Creation, Music, Art, and Movies: A song lyric or line from a movie can carry God’s whisper. I’ve had Him speak to me through nature and moments of silence. I have a friend who makes collages, allowing God to speak and minister to her through the creative process.
• Read the Bible Slowly: Don’t rush. When a verse tugs at your heart, stop. Sit with it. Read it again tomorrow. Let it go deep. It isn’t about how much you read. It is about how much of Him you take in as you read. 
• Wait on God: This is where intimacy is formed. Let go of demands. Rest in His presence. He will meet you there.

It’s Okay to Be Angry… But Don’t Stay There

You’re allowed to be angry with God. He can handle it. But don’t stay in that place. Don’t let your relationship remain stuck in a transaction: “I prayed. I served. You should have saved my child.”

That mindset robs you of the healing love that He wants to pour into your shattered heart.

Jesus said, “My sheep hear my voice.” You can hear Him. You can know Him. You can trust Him, even when you don’t understand Him. And you can have a relationship with Him that goes beyond transactional and  is one of true intimacy. 

The relationship with our child is one of the most important relationships we will ever have. Even though our child’s tangible presence may not be here with us on earth anymore, the most important relationship you can have on this earth is still here for you. And it will never be taken away.

A Final Thought

Let me leave you with something I recently heard: God’s love isn’t transactional. It’s a gift.

I encourage us all to open ourselves to receive it.

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NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 308. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

Don’t forget to take a look at our “Pareavor with Hope” shirts and hats, featuring a heart that’s been broken and put back together. It’s more than just apparel—it’s a sacred reminder: we are pareavors, and we carry our grief with hope. Visit gpshope.org/store to see the full line.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope. 

Today’s topic is a tough one, but an important one. If you’ve been angry at God for “taking” your child, you’re not alone. It’s something I hear often from other pareavors (bereaved parents), and it’s something I have wrestled with myself.

That initial surge of anger—or even hatred—toward God for allowing your child to leave your arms to be in His, is an emotional reaction to unimaginable pain. You didn’t choose to feel it; it just came. But as the months and even years pass, it does become your choice whether or not to stay in that place.

Let’s talk about that.

What If God Wasn’t Doing This To You… But For Your Child?

We can’t know everything that was going on in our child’s heart and mind while they were here. Especially if your child died by suicide, it’s possible that they were hiding deep thoughts and struggles to protect you from the weight of them. You may know now that was true.

The apostle Paul refers to being trapped in the tent of our earthly bodies. Maybe God, in His mercy, decided to free your child from something. Maybe He was protecting them—and you—from even more pain. There’s a verse in Isaiah that says:

“Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come.”
—Isaiah 57:1 (NLT)

And just a couple of chapters before that, we’re reminded:

“My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.
—Isaiah 55:8-9

What if God wanted to bless your child in the greatest way possible—by bringing them into the perfection of heaven, where there’s no pain, betrayal, sickness, or chaos? A place of complete love, peace, and joy that we can’t even imagine.

As Parents, We Want the Best for Our Kids… But What Is Best?

Of course, we feel like the best place for our child is here with us. I used to think that way, too. But that belief is really more about us than it is about them.

Our perspective is so limited. But have you ever asked God to help you see your child with Him in heaven? Imagine the joy on their face, their laughter, maybe even dancing around in a goofy little jig. If your child had a disability like our Becca did, imagine them whole, healed, free, with no limitations, and no pain.

Sometimes I can get so happy for Becca, it brings me to tears. Why would I be angry at God for giving that kind of joy to my daughter, even if it was before I got to experience it myself?

I know it can sound crazy, but a shift in perspective like that can help us not feel our pain so intensely, even if just for a few moments.

He Gave Our Children What We Never Could

If your child had any kind of struggle—physical, emotional, mental—God has released them from it all. He has given them a gift we could never provide here on earth.

The hard part is that we’re still here without them.

But we get to choose what to do with that. We can ask God to help us see with heavenly perspective. And then we choose: will we receive that truth? Or will we stay angry and blame Him?

It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to not understand. But bitterness will never bring peace. God, in His wisdom and love, gave our children the perfection of heaven before we got to experience it. And that, my friend, is actually an incredible act of love.

Do You Have a Transactional Relationship with God?

Over the years of walking with grieving parents, I’ve noticed something: those who struggle most with anger at God often had what I call a transactional relationship with Him.

You know what I mean. “I did everything right, God, so You were supposed to protect me from this kind of pain.” It’s a “check the box” kind of faith: go to church, pray, be a good person… and then expect God to do His part.

But that’s not a true relationship. That’s control.

Jesus’ parable of the prodigal son is a powerful example. The son basically tells his father, “I wish you were dead,” takes the inheritance, and wastes it all. When he finally comes crawling back, the father runs to him, embraces him, and throws a party.

When you think about it, that story isn’t really about the son. It’s about the father’s love and grace. But look at the older brother. He’s furious: “I did everything right! I deserve the party!”

Sound familiar? “I did everything right. I went to church. I prayed. I served. Why did my child die when someone else’s didn’t?”

The older son, like many of us, had a transactional view of love. But God’s love isn’t transactional. It isn’t something to be manipulated, either by Him or by us. It is transformational. 

Nothing Can Separate Us from God’s Love

I want to close with a powerful reminder from Romans chapter eight.

“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors and gain an overwhelming victory through Him who loved us… [Nothing] will be able to separate us from the unlimited love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
—Romans 8:37-39 (AMP)

That kind of love doesn’t come from checking boxes. It comes from knowing God intimately. It is not just head knowledge that is transactional and/or conditional. It is a deep heart knowledge that allows us to trust Him, even in our intense pain and confusion. 

So, if you’re angry at God right now, that’s okay. But don’t stay there. You can choose to believe your child is experiencing more peace and joy than they ever could have here. You can choose to let God’s love begin to heal your shattered heart.

How do we go from a transactional relationship with God to a deep, intimate one? We will talk about that next week. 

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NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 307. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

If you’d like daily encouragement during a hard month like August, check out the Reflections of Hope series at gpshope.org/reflections.

And don’t forget to take a look at our “Pareavor with Hope” shirts and hats, featuring a heart that’s been broken and put back together. It’s more than just apparel—it’s a sacred reminder: we are pareavors, and we carry our grief with hope. Visit gpshope.org/store to see the full line.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope. 

Many grieving parents I talk to share how hard it is that their life has come to a screeching halt after the death of their child. And they don’t understand how everyone else just keeps going like nothing happened.

I remember feeling that way myself.

I still remember sitting in my car at a stoplight. I was numb—barely functioning. I was doing the bare minimum outside my home just to survive. I looked around and saw people walking, laughing, driving, talking… living. It was so hard not to get angry and scream at everyone for acting like life was still normal.

Eventually (and by “eventually,” I mean two to three years) I realized I could go about life’s routines without constantly feeling like the world should still be frozen in time because of Becca’s death. I started to accept that life was moving forward, and I was starting to move with it. Until it came to another unexpected stop a few years later…

Life Stood Still Again

Dave got a phone call from his dad. He was in intense pain, so bad it was making him vomit, and needed to go to the ER. Just eight hours later, the family was called to his bedside to say goodbye. His aorta had ruptured, and it was inoperable.

Just like that, the first of our four parents were no longer with us, and Dave and I became full-time caregivers for his mom, who had dementia and other health issues. She needed someone with her 24/7. 

We could not take her in, because we had just purchased a motor home to live in full-time and were in the process of selling our house to our son.

For nearly two months, Dave and I took turns living with her as we worked through the exhausting process of getting her placed in an assisted living facility. Once again, my world stopped.

Watching Life Go On Without Me

I watched others continue their lives while mine came to a halt. (Not like losing a child, for sure, but it did come to a standstill.) 

My middle son and his family had just bought their first home, but we couldn’t help them move or get settled. Our youngest son also moved, and we couldn’t help him either.

As I said, Dave and I had recently bought the Hope Mobile, a motor home we planned to live in full-time so we could travel and minister to grieving parents across the country. We were in the process of downsizing and moving out of our home. That came to a full stop. I even found myself bringing things back to the house that I had already moved into the RV.

Our oldest son buying our house came to a standstill too, since we couldn’t move out while also caring for Mom.

Even my writing of emails and blogs, and things like putting out weekly podcast episodes became inconsistent and hard to keep up with. Our marriage started feeling distant as one of us was always at her small apartment and the other at home.

But I Know Something Now That I Didn’t Know Then

Because I’ve already faced the unthinkable of the death of my daughter, and somehow came out the other side, I know something very important:

It won’t always be like this.

That phrase in the Bible, “And it came to pass…” are some of the most encouraging words to me. Some translations say “in time…” or “after that…” In other words, no matter what you’re going through, it won’t last forever.

If You’re Feeling Stuck, You’re Not Alone

If you’re frustrated that your world is standing still while everyone else just keeps going, I want to gently shift your perspective.

Seeing life go on around you might actually be a good thing. It’s proof that people who also once had their world come to a screeching halt have eventually been able to move forward. And that includes other bereaved parents, like Dave and me, who were once right where you are now.

No, life never goes back to what it was before your child died. That’s impossible. But if you keep going one day, one hour, one breath at a time, you will reach a point where you feel something stir again. A tiny flicker of life. A glimpse of hope.

You may not believe that right now. But one day, you might look up and realize that you’ve made it further than you thought you ever could.

You Are a Future Source of Hope

I’m now honored to be someone others can look at and wonder, How did she make it through Becca’s death and still find life again? And I truly believe a few years from now, people will be asking the same thing about you.

And more importantly, you’ll know that if you could get through the loss of your precious child, you can get through anything this world throws your way.

A Final Word of Comfort

Let me leave you with this passage from 2 Corinthians 1:3–4, 7 (TLB):

“What a wonderful God we have—He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does He do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us… In our trouble God has comforted us—and this, too, to help you: to show you from our personal experience how God will tenderly comfort you when you undergo these same sufferings. He will give you the strength to endure.”

And He will.

I’m walking proof. And you can be, too.

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NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 306. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope.