After losing a child, grief can feel suffocating. It can feel like everything goes dark, like the air has been sucked out of the room, and even breathing takes effort. It feels all-consuming, pressing in from every direction.
In the midst of that darkness, it may not seem possible that anything could make a difference. But one of the most powerful influences on how we experience grief after losing a child is something we often overlook: our thoughts.
This is not about pretending things are okay. It is not about positive thinking or minimizing pain. It is about understanding how our thoughts can either deepen the darkness of grief or slowly begin to loosen its grip, one moment at a time.
When Anger Turns into Something More
Many of us experience anger after losing a child. That anger is natural. It is understandable. Something has happened that never should have happened.
But anger can quietly turn into bitterness. Bitterness can grow into resentment. And before we realize it, our thoughts begin to circle around those feelings, feeding them and allowing them to take deeper root.
This progression is dangerous, not because grief is wrong, but because bitterness hurts us and those around us. It pulls us off the path of healing and keeps us stuck in a place we were never meant to remain.
We cannot control every thought that enters our minds. Thoughts will come, especially in grief. But we can control what we do with those thoughts. We can recognize them, dismiss them, and gently redirect our minds, or we can turn them over and over again, allowing them to settle deep in our souls.
When bitterness and resentment take root, they often lead to depression. We start feeling sorry for ourselves. Our soul spirals even deeper into the pit of darkness. We push people away, which only causes the spiral to continue.
Understanding how your thoughts can shape grief after losing a child is not about blame. It is about awareness.
When the Future Feels Too Dark to Look At
For many grieving parents, looking into the future feels unbearable. If the only thing you can see ahead is pain and darkness, then don’t set your gaze there.
For some of us, one day at a time is too much. Sometimes all we can manage is one hour at a time. Sometimes all we can do is take the next breath.
And that is okay.
Healing does not happen all at once. It happens in small, quiet moments, often without us even realizing it. And one of those moments comes when we begin to notice our thoughts and how they are affecting our grief.
There is hope. You can be free from bitter thoughts. Freedom begins when we give our minds to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to help us change what we focus on.
When your thoughts are consumed by the pain and horror of the past, ask Him to gently bring something good from your past to mind. When your thoughts race into the future and focus on who will not be there, ask Him to help you think about something eternal; something secure and full of hope.
God wants to be in your thoughts. He wants to help you learn to think about what is good and true, even while you grieve deeply.
Scripture reminds us:
“Above all, be careful what you think, because your thoughts control your life.”
Proverbs 4:23
Choosing Where to Place the Blame
Before we were born, God knew everything that would happen in our lives. He knew the times we would really mess up, and He already had a plan in place. He also knew that the enemy of our souls would bring hard and devastating things into our lives.
A few months after my daughter died, my sister’s house burned to the ground. Her family of seven lost everything except the clothes they were wearing and the van they had driven to church that night.
The only way they were able to move through that trauma and come out on the other side with victory and joy was because they refused to let their loss become the enemy’s gain. She made the decision not to let the past become a mortgage to her future.
Losing a home is not the same as losing a child. But it is still devastating. So many irreplaceable things are gone. Starting over from absolutely nothing (not even a paper clip) feels impossible.
The turning point comes when we realize that our destiny is not defined by what we are handed in life, but by what we do with what we are handed.
This is where our thoughts (and our beliefs) matter so much.
Beliefs, Thoughts, and the Grip of Grief
We get to choose what we believe. But believing something does not make it true.
Sometimes our beliefs are based on lies, or false ideas that we have absorbed without realizing it. Every time I ask God to show me a lie I have believed, He does. And that is a gift, because it means that lies can be replaced with truth.
Jesus said:
“You will know the truth, and the truth will give you freedom.”
John 8:32
Our emotions drive our actions. Our emotions are influenced by our thoughts. And our thoughts are shaped by our beliefs.
Some grieving parents think I will never get past this.
Others think I will always feel this way.
Some even think I don’t want to get past this, because they equate healing with forgetting their child. They believe that staying in pain keeps their child’s memory alive.
But that belief keeps them trapped in despair.
You do not have to stay in pain to remember your child. You can grieve deeply and still live a life filled with meaning, purpose, and even joy. In fact, it is not your pain that keeps you connected to your child. It is your love!
When we step back and look at the whole picture, we see how it all connects: beliefs shape thoughts, thoughts influence emotions, and emotions drive actions.
After losing a child, everything feels tangled together in a painful mess. But slowly, often without realizing it, we begin sorting it out.
Is It Possible to Live Again?
Here is a gentle question to consider: do you have even a small glimmer of hope that it is possible to live again?
Thousands of parents have walked this road ahead of you. They still miss their children deeply. They still carry grief. But they have learned how to engage with life again in meaningful ways.
When you read that, what is your immediate thought?
Is it something like, I don’t know how, but maybe someday?
Or is it, I don’t think that will ever happen for me?
If it feels impossible, ask the Holy Spirit to help you believe maybe. Just maybe.
As your thoughts begin to shift, your emotions will slowly follow. Over time, grief triggers may not cut as deeply or come as often. This does not mean that your love for your child is fading. It means that a needed measure of healing is taking place.
You get to choose what you believe. And the truth is, learning how your thoughts can shape grief after losing a child can open the door to freedom. And then you get to choose when to step out into that freedom – not forgetting your child, but remembering them in a way that honors them and warms your heart.
The psalmist put it this way:
“
Why am I so overwrought, why am I so disturbed?
Why can’t I just hope in God?
Despite all my emotions,
I will believe and praise the One who saves me, my God.”
Psalm 42:11
Grief is real. Pain is real. But so is hope.
And sometimes, hope begins with a single thought.
NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 333. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.
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AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.
In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.
For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.
The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope.
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