GPS Hope

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Hope is Our Anchor

I remember that first year after my daughter, Becca, died. She passed in October, so right away we were thrown into all the end-of-year holidays without her. As it was getting closer to New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, I felt horrible. I felt like going into a new year meant leaving Becca behind on a whole new level. Life was going on without her, and it wasn’t supposed to!

This heaviness we can be feeling right now between the end-of-year holidays and being in a different year without our child is exactly why I feel led to remind us of the hope we can still have, even in this place of suffocating darkness after the death of our child.

Many of us don’t have any idea how we are going to get through the rest of our time here on earth, much less getting to the place of being okay with it. We definitely cannot see ourselves getting to the place where we want to stick around a while longer because our life has found meaning and purpose again. That just feels impossible.

At the same time, we also shake our head in wonderment at how anyone can get through this without God to lean on. Even if we are angry at Him, something in us knows we need Him. We need His strength, His peace, and His hope.

To help us grab hold of that hope, let me share just a few scriptures with you.

Before I do, let me make sure we realize that the hope God talks about is much different than we often use the word hope. “I hope it doesn’t rain.” “I hope she passes the test.” These are wishes. God’s hope is not a wish, but a confidence that He will come through for us. I see hope as a seed we plant that is nourished to become faith/trust.

Here are some of the things we read in God’s Word about that kind of hope.

  • Psalm 119:147 I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word. (NIV)
  • Psalm 130:7 …hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is great power to redeem. (NRSV)
  • Job 14:7 There is hope for a tree that has been cut down; it can come back to life and sprout. (GNT)
  • Jeremiah 17:17 You alone are my hope in the day of disaster. (NLT)
  • Lamentations 3: 19-24 I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left. (MSG)
  • 1 Corinthians 13:7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (NLT)
  • Hebrews 6:18-20 We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us. (MSG)
  • Hebrews 6:19 This hope is a safe anchor for our souls. It will never move. This hope goes into the Holiest Place of All behind the curtain of heaven. (NLV)

Hope is what keeps us going. It is our anchor in the storm of grief, when we feel like we are going under and can’t get back to the surface to breathe.

I pray that what you have read here gives you at least a glimmer of needed hope as we are on this unwanted journey together.

If you are one of my podcast listeners, you know I will have to end this blog with one more word of hope, literally, which is my acronym for hope.

Hold

On

Pain

Eases

There is HOPE!

 

The above scriptures are just a few of thirty-six verses which were read on podcast episode 192. To listen to all of them being read to you, click here.

You can also get a downloadable PDF of all thirty-six scriptures. Just submit your name and email address below. (This will also put you on the Weekly Word of Hope email list which you can unsubscribe from at any time.)

 

 

Laura’s next book will be coming out soon! It is called Reflections of Hope: A Daily Reading for Bereaved Parents. You can find out more about it here.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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I Don’t Believe that God is Good!

After a severe tragedy, such as the death of our child, it can be extremely difficult to reconcile the thought that God is good. If He is such a good Father, why does he allow such pain to come into our lives? Why didn’t He step in and save our children from death?

I want you to hear from another pareavor (bereaved parent) whom I know.

Dennis Apple, who was a pastor when his son died, shares in his book Life After the Death of My Son how he was disappointed and angry with God. Dennis says he was “hanging out near the back door of my faith,” and for a long time he refused to say or sing the phrase, “God is good all the time.”

I don’t care for that phrase either when it is used in a congregational setting, especially when we are supposed to respond back, “And all the time God is good.” It’s not because I don’t believe it. It’s because we each have our own definition of what that means to us. For many Christians, when they say “God is good,” it means God won’t let anything really bad happen to me in this life. So, when a tragedy happens (like our house burning down to the ground, or the death of our child), we decide He isn’t really good, because a good God wouldn’t do this to me.

How did Dennis get past that? Dennis states as he came to a crossroads, he asked himself a couple of questions: Do I believe there’s a sovereign God who knows and sees all, including my suffering over the loss of our son? Am I going to trust in this sovereign God whom I don’t always understand? After wrestling with these questions for a long time, he was able to say through painful tears, “Yes, I believe in Him, and yes I will trust Him.”

His wife, Beulah, also made a conscious decision after several years of deep grief. Did she want to remain in this same dark place she had been in for almost five years, or did she want to come out of it and make the best of her life and her family that was still here? She chose to “lay aside the garment of grief and mourning, sweep up the ashes that surrounded her, and go on.” It was a turning point for both her and their marriage.

Times of suffering are when the devil really attacks our thoughts. “If God really loved you, you wouldn’t be going through this.” “If God was really good, He wouldn’t have let this happen.” The truth is, both believers in Christ and nonbelievers can face extreme hardships. Being a Christian does not mean that we won the lottery to a trouble-free life here on this earth. That would not be love, that would be bribery on God’s part.

The difference is that those of us who have made Jesus Lord of our lives have someone to give us peace in the storms. We have someone who will walk with us, giving us comfort and direction. We have someone who is working on our behalf to make sure we are not destroyed by the tragedies, but are delivered through them. We have someone who is working that devastating loss into something that can bear good eternal fruit. We have someone who can bring joy back into our lives again, even when we think it’s impossible.

We have someone who cares so deeply that He allowed His Son to be brutally beaten and endure a torturous death, so that we could be reunited with our children forever. The act itself of Jesus being beaten and hung on a cross was not good, but the eternal fruit of Jesus entering hell to snatch the keys of hell and death, and His resurrection certainly was good!

It is very common to struggle with one’s faith after the death of their child. It may be for just one day or it may be for several years. In the midst of our pain and darkness, we all have to reevaluate who we thought God was, which can open the door to find out who He really is, while discovering a much deeper meaning to the phrase God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

So, the question remains: Is God good all the time? The enemy who is trying to get you to turn your back on God (the same enemy who brought death, pain and darkness into this world) wants to you to think no, He is not good. That is why Satan is the enemy. He has plans and tactics to turn you away from God and His love for you and your child, and he knows the death of your child makes you a much easier target to be able to do that.

But the fact is, God defeated this same enemy in the eternal realm so that we can defeat Him, too. And because of that, hopefully you do not want to be deceived by the enemy and come into agreement with him and his lies.

So, yes, God is good. We may not understand the “why” this side of eternity, but we can trust in the eternal goodness of God. Say it out loud, and say it with conviction, to get the enemy to start backing down. “God is good!”

 

The very first book I wrote is called Triple Crown Transformation. “See the crown” is about seeing God’s vision for our lives. “Wear the crown” is about who He is in our lives, and “be the crown” is learning more about our eternal identity.

Let us know below if you would like to receive a free eBook copy.

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Forgiving Yourself After Child Loss

by BJ Jensen

 

Moving beyond guilt is a necessary step in the journey of healing from the loss of a child. This particular part of grief can be the most difficult pain of all to overcome. In order to be free of guilt, it is necessary to ask for forgiveness of God, of your child, of oneself and if appropriate of others who are suffering the loss of your child.

God and your child will always forgive you because they love you and do not want you to continue to suffer guilt and sadness.  They want you to lead a life of purpose with joy.

Others, including a spouse or close relative, may not be willing to forgive right away, perhaps never.  But asking for forgiveness can free you of the burden of quilt, even if others choose not to let go of their grief and hopelessness.

Perhaps the most difficult test is forgiving yourself.  When we refuse to forgive, we are held captive like a convicted criminal.  Not forgiving sentences a person to a horrible life in a prison of our own making – one where we barely exist.  It is difficult but a necessary step in order to move toward the point of healing.  Sometimes forgiving takes the help of a trained professional or counselor.  Are you willing to forgive yourself or do you want to stay captive on a downward-spiraling path of self-loathing?

Many children’s deaths are accidental, and a life can end in only seconds. No parent can completely foolproof a child’s life. The tragic truth is that fatal accidents can and do happen every hour. When this happens, it is very common for a parent to fall into the self-damaging cycle of the “what if” or guilt trap.  Moving through the guilt of this unanswerable question often causes endless tears. Discussing the guilt has helped many parents to move beyond the “what if” trap. Tell those closest to you why you feel guilty, and ask for help. Although you may occasionally get a careless, hurtful response, family and friends will respond most often with compassion. Recognizing and admitting your feelings of guilt is a critical first step.

Put down on paper how you feel. Don’t leave anything out. Plan some sort of “letting go” ritual as a means of moving past your guilt. You might read aloud all of your guilty feelings to your spouse or to two or three close friends and then crumble the paper and toss it into a fire with all of your guilt. As you watch the paper burn, you may begin to feel your heavy burden lighten.

Finally, you must realize that without forgiving yourself, you will never be able to move forward.  You must make a determined effort to not allow yourself to ask the “what if” question. It is a futile question with no answer, and only adds to your grief.

By taking very precise steps to rid yourself of guilt, you will lift a heavy burden and finally be able to move forward in your journey of grief. Once you can move beyond the “what if” trap, you will know that you have successfully gotten rid of the gnawing questions that never really have any answers. Healing is about to begin!

 

This was taken by permission from the book “Finding Hope after the Devastating Loss of Beloved Children” by Dr. Doug and BJ Jensen. 

Doug and BJ Jensen, are International Speakers, award-winning Dramatists, Signing Artists, Song Writers, Drama Writers, and Authors of 16 books. Dr. Jensen earned his PhD in Biblical Studies in the area of Biblical Counseling.  BJ is the Director of the world traveling LOVE IN MOTION Signing Choir and is a writer of 8 stories found in seven of the CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL books.You can contact them at Jensen2@san.rr.com or on their Facebook page: Bj Jensen San Diego. 

 

Do you struggle with guilt from your child’s death? We would like to send you the eBook, Ten Tips to Overcome Guilt. Just submit your name and email address below. You will also begin to receive a Weekly Word of Hope for bereaved parents (which you can easily unsubscribe from at any time).

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Our Grief is Like…

 

There are many ways to illustrate what our grief is like after the death of our child. Here are the four that I seem to relate to the most.

  1. The loss of our child is like having an amputation. Part of our very being has been cut off from us, and we have to figure out how to live with that piece of us missing.

I had a front row seat to this, since our daughter, Becca, had her little left leg amputated when she was only 3 years old, due to cancer in her bone (osteogenic sarcoma). Read her story here. She “recovered,” but her life was never the same.

There was obviously a major scar because she only had a stump instead of her leg. She didn’t look like the other kids. She couldn’t run and keep up with them. She had limitations. Every day she woke up with the reminder that her leg was missing, and every day, sometimes multiple times a day, she had to be determined not to let it stop her from still having a fulfilling life.

With Becca gone now, there are constant painful reminders of that fact. I don’t look like other parents. I have a hard time keeping up with life sometimes because of my limitations.  Every day I have to be determined to not let her death keep me from having a fulfilling life with those who are still here.

If my three-year-old daughter could figure out how to live with a piece of her cut off, then so can I! She was the greatest example of anyone I know, who persevered and didn’t let something like an amputated leg keep her from still having a wonderful life for the twenty-nine years she had here on this earth.

  1. Grief is like carrying a large sharp rock in your pants pocket. At first you are very aware of it, as it bangs against your leg with every movement. It might even cut and bruise your leg, making it more painful.

After a while, you are aware it is there, but it doesn’t bother you as much. Then you move on to times where you consciously forget the rock is there as you go throughout your day. But whenever you reach into your pocket to grab something else, as your hand feels the rock, you remember…

Sometimes you bump up hard against something, and that rock cuts or bruises you again, and you are back to walking tenderly, waiting for it to heal.

There are times you will put your hand in your pocket because you want (or need) to feel the rock. Some of those times you will even pull the rock out to hold it and look at it, but it eventually goes back into your pocket.

Even if we change pants, the rock will always go with us, into the new pocket.

  1. Grief is like the ocean waves. You feel like you have been shipwrecked and there are huge waves crashing over you with no mercy. Every time you try to come up for air, all you can do is get a quick gasp, only to be tumbled around by another wave crashing over you. When you think you can’t take any more (multiple times), the waves start coming further apart. At least now you can catch your breath.

Eventually the waves aren’t as big, making it easier to get back to the top when you get thrown under them.

Calm waters eventually come, but there will still be waves and storms that send you swirling, being thrown underneath the water again, leaving you gasping for air. But each time, you get better at maneuvering through them. You also know they will stop at some point and the calm waters will come once again.

  1. Grief is like carrying a backpack of rocks up a mountain. At first you can’t move under the weight, as you look up to where you need to go, believing it is impossible. With much effort and struggle, you begin to slowly inch your way forward.

After a while, you are able to stand up and take some steps, even though you often stumble backward and fall down under the weight of the backpack. As you continue to struggle, eventually, you discover to your shock, that you are walking up the mountain. It’s hard, but you’re doing it.

The backpack of rocks becomes easier to carry as your strength builds. However, there are times you need to take a rest. Some rests are relatively short. Others take longer because you are once again feeling the full weight of what you are carrying.

The longer you climb, the easier it gets, and the fewer rests you seem to need. But you will always continue to have the backpack of rocks to carry and have the effects of it.

I have also learned that there are no “stages of grief” after a deep loss, like the death of one’s child. As an FYI, the five stages of grief were presented by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross for those who are terminally ill. They are the stages a person works through upon receiving the news that they are going to die. It was not for those who are still here after a loss.

So, with that, I have one more analogy.

Our grief is like a very tangled up ball of yarn and each of us has our own individual mess of yarn to untangle. I have knit since junior high, learning through 4-H, and have dealt with more tangled balls and skeins of yarn than I could ever count! There have been times the tangle was so frustrating that I quit trying and just put it away for another time. There have also been times I literally cut the yarn into pieces, trying to get it untangled (which made for a lot of ends to have to knit together)!

But eventually, whatever I was working on was finished and it brought joy to whomever it was intended for, including myself. One thing I have noticed, is that over the years I have gotten better at untangling the messes, and don’t have to cut it into pieces anymore.

Grief is hard work. Fortunately, it does get easier, even though we will deal with the pain of our loss for the rest of our time here on earth.

If you feel like you haven’t gotten very far and that you should be further along than you are, don’t allow yourself to get discouraged. You will get there, as you continue this unwanted journey, one step (or one tangle) at a time.

Whatever you do, don’t compare where you are to anyone else, especially those who have never experienced the death of their child! You are untangling your own messy ball of grief, and it is unlike anyone else’s. There is no right or wrong way and there are NO time limits!

Do any of these illustrations resonate with you? Let me know in the comments below. Also, maybe you can find a tangible item (or a picture) and put it somewhere you can see, to remind yourself that even though it might be really hard right now, as you keep going, eventually it will get better.

One final thought: You might want to share this, so that others around you can get a better understanding that our grief is like…

 

 

 

Do you struggle with guilt from your child’s death? We would like to send you the eBook, Ten Tips to Overcome Guilt. Just submit your name and email address below. You will also begin to receive a Weekly Word of Hope for bereaved parents (which you can easily unsubscribe from at any time).

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Finding Your Way Through Together

by Michele Paul

We all know that people grieve differently. Yet in saying that, we are often critical of how others grieve. We might often feel like others could not have loved their child as much as we loved ours. We often are more critical to those who even live under our very roof.

That is especially true when we see our husbands grieve. We might be critical when they don’t show emotion. On the other hand, we might want them to be strong and when they break down, we feel afraid.

My husband and I for the first six months after the loss of my daughter were pretty much grieving the same. When days were hard for me, I could be strong for him. When I had those difficult days, he would be there to comfort me.

There came a time when things changed. After about six months my husband seemed like he had found a way to pack his grief into a box and place it tucked safely away. I knew he wasn’t over our loss, but he didn’t need to hold it and feel it twenty-four hours a day.

I on the other hand still carried my grief throughout my day. It was with me from the time I got up and in every activity throughout my day. I would even tuck it into bed with me at night, praying that I would find some rest.

Sometimes I would wonder is he done grieving? I know he loved my daughter as much as I did. I had to remind myself he is grieving different from me. My way is my way, and his way is his way.

Marriage is always a work in progress. There is so much unknown on how we will each react during such a stressful time as the loss of a child. When we are struggling to find our own footing, how can we expect our spouses to find theirs? It is so easy during this time to just shut down and withdraw from each other.

We need to remember our spouse is not the enemy. This is a time to reconnect with one another. What better way to reconnect and show love than doing something your spouse enjoys?

My husband has always been an avid hiker. It is his passion. He has always wished it would be my passion too. After my daughter’s death I started to receive gifts from him that had everything to do with hiking.

I have a beautiful pair of hiking boots, a yellow windbreaker and of course a raincoat that I believe could also be turned into a tent with some tree limbs. I am the proud owner of a bladder pack to carry my own water as we head up the mountain. I have a great hat that keeps the sun off my face and I truly don’t know too many women that own a headlamp for late night hikes. The best gift of all has been the hiking sticks that I have found very valuable going up and down the mountain.

At first, I was not really excited to receive these items. I came to realize that he wanted me to join him in something that he loved to do.  If I ever came out of the bedroom dressed in my full get-up and said, “Are you ready to go climb a mountain?” my husband would think he had died and gone to Heaven.

I have come to appreciate these gifts and the time we spend together. When I spend time doing something he enjoys, I am showing him that he is the most important person in my life, and I love him enough to take an interest in something he enjoys.

I have also found I have learned a lot about my husband and myself in the tranquility of these hikes. It is a time when we can reconnect and spend time just talking and enjoying God’s handiwork. This is where I find he feels safe to open up and share from his heart.

I am not saying this is a cure-all, but it is a way to start.

What better way to express our love to someone than participating in something they enjoy? Who knows, we might find out something new about not only our spouses but also about ourselves. So, step out of your comfort zone and enter into the land of your spouse. Who knows what exciting adventure might be waiting for you?

We also might discover a renewed and interesting couple in the making.

 

Michele Paul lost her daughter over 20 years ago, and loves to not only infuse hope into grieving parents that they can live a full life again, but be an example of learning how to live a life of meaning and purpose that includes our child no longer here with us on earth. You do have full permission to live again, and it is not betraying your child to do so.

Michele is on the board of Umbrella Ministries which supports bereaved moms with the living hope of Jesus Christ through resources, conferences and retreats. To find out more go to: http://umbrellaministries.com. To connect with Michele Paul: mpaulindio@yahoo.com

 

Do you struggle with taking care of yourself after the death of your child? We would like to send you a PDF of Thirty Ways to Bring Ourselves Comfort and Take Care of Ourselves. Please let us know below where to send it. (You will also join over 1000 other parents who receive a Weekly Word of Hope.)

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

 

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