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Five Shifts in How to See God After the Death of Your Child

“How can I trust a God who says He loves us and yet allowed this terrible thing to happen to me and my child?” This is a question many grieving parents have.

When everything is going great and I am getting all my prayers answered the way I want, it is easy to believe that God is faithful, and that He is good, and to choose to trust Him with my life. But it is totally different to still believe He is faithful and good and to continue to trust Him when something horrible happens, like the death of my child.

If you are like me, for many years I was a “good Christian” and “claimed the promises of God” like praying protection over my family. And I saw Him answer those prayers over and over again. So when my daughter, Becca, died, does that mean God didn’t keep His promises, that He is not faithful and that I can no longer trust Him?

This is a huge topic, but for the sake of keeping it short and readable for this blog, I am only going to share five quick thoughts.

First let me say that our perspective has everything to do with how this question is answered, which probably shifted drastically at a time when we needed God more than ever in our lives.

So in order to shift our perspective again, either a new thought needs to be introduced and received, or an old one reclaimed. I suggest, even if you aren’t on speaking terms with God right now, that you pause to make sure your heart is open to these five things to help you make the needed shift, which will allow Him to carry you through the darkness and back into hope, light and a life worth living again.

1. Some parents are helped by the realization that their child is not missing; he or she is simply absent.

To be absent means not to be present for the moment. The Bible says that for someone who has accepted the gift of salvation, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:8). We may have lost our child from this earth, but it is only a temporary loss. Becca is only absent from my presence for the rest of my time here on earth.

I can either focus on my personal loss that my child is permanently absent from this earth (which sends me in a downward spiral) or I can focus on the fact that my child is absent from my presence for now but is present with the Lord in glorious joy and perfection. And even though the pain is intense with the temporary separation, I will meet up with my child again in our eternal home, never to be separated again.

And if you are tormenting yourself with the thought that he or she might not have made it there, let me say you don’t know that. You don’t have all the information that God does, so choose to believe that your child made the right choice before death and were welcomed in the open arms of the Savior, instead of choosing to fear that God turned His back on him or her. Why wouldn’t God make one last split-second offer? He loves your child even more intensely than you do and paid the ultimate price of allowing His Son to be brutally murdered to pay the price needed for our sins, so that we can all to be together! If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is!

2. Reading the book of Psalms in the Bible can be extremely helpful.

Over and over the writer cries out for help from a very dark place of despair. And God responds by being a rock, a refuge and help in times of need. I spend a lot of time there when I “relapse” and find myself struggling with the pain and reality that Becca is gone from this earth and I won’t see her again until I join her in heaven.

3. Don’t try to hide from your fears or pretend they aren’t there.

God wants you to bring all your feelings to Him, including the dark and negative ones. You may be wondering, He knows these things already. Why should I have to tell Him how I am feeling? Because you need to admit those things, so you can give them to God and let Him work with you at being set free. If you do this persistently, those tormenting feelings of fear and anger will eventually lose their hold on you, and you will find yourself opening up once again to God’s love and faithfulness to you through the worst trial you have ever faced, and find yourself starting to trust Him again to get you through it somehow.

4. Find different promises you can hold up to God.

I have chosen to believe Romans 8:18 more now than I ever did, which tells me the sufferings of this present time cannot be compared with the glory that will be revealed in me. Knowing how great my suffering has been, that must be some incredible glory that will be revealed to me at some point!

How about the promise of Jesus telling us He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5)? That is not a promise based on conditions. It is set and firm, no matter what we choose to do or not do or based on how we feel about Him.

He is our constant companion and source of everything we need during this time. The question is not “Where is God?” The question is “Where am I?” I can walk out on Him very easily, and many of us do. We ignore Him, as though He is no longer with us. That is never the case. Guess who moved away? (Hint: it’s not God.)

5. Remember that God always leads us into triumph.

During a worship song at church one day, I suddenly realized that if I bring God into my battle (including the battle of my fears and my darkness) then I will win, because it is impossible for Him to lose! He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. God has the first and last word in my life, and He also has it in the life of my child!

God has never entered a battle where He came out as the loser, and He never will. As soon as I see God on my side and not as the enemy, and ask Him to fight for me, I know somehow in the end I will come out victorious!

I can offer no easy fix or solution to this often-painful dilemma after the death of one’s child, although it is very black-and-white. We either believe God is good and Satan is evil, or we don’t.

We either believe that God isn’t big enough and has not won the final victory over sin and death, or we believe that He is more than enough, and the death of my child is not where God reached His limits. Somehow, He has a way out of the suffocating darkness of grief because of His deep love for me, and I am determined to hold on to Him with everything I have until He gets me to that place.

There is freedom in surrender. There is peace in trusting. That may not make any sense, but isn’t that part of what makes Him God? So often life here on this earth won’t make any sense with our limited minds. God sees what we cannot see, and He knows what we do not know. And we need to get to the point where we are okay with the fact that there are just some answers we won’t get on this side of eternity.

Living life here on earth without my oldest daughter has been an extremely painful challenge. And in working my way through the grief, I have discovered that God is not who I thought He was. He is way better than how I limited Him before. He is more compassionate, more loving, more faithful, more everything that is good, and that I need, to get me through my remaining time here until I am reunited forever with Becca.

I pray you will make the same discovery.

We would love to hear from you. Please share in the comments below which of the five shifts spoke to you the most. You never know who you might encourage with your own thoughts on this subject.

This blog was taken from the book When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child. As of the writing of this blog, we are in the process of putting together a free study course for those who want to go deeper than the book takes them. We would be happy to let you know when it is ready to be offered and to send more detailed information.

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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Can the Spirits of Our Children Come to Us?

The other night Dave and I went out to supper with a couple who recently lost their son from this earth. One of the questions she asked was, “Do you think our kids’ spirits can come back and visit us?”

She shared a situation where two of them had an impression in their spirits that he was there at a profound event at a certain place for a few seconds, very happy with what was happening. Plus, there was another time this mom sensed her son’s presence in a very real and almost tangible way.

These are not “flaky” people. They are very rooted and grounded in their relationship with the Lord, and spiritual leaders and pillars in the Body of Christ. They are sensitive to the voice and presence of the Holy Spirit.

It reminds me of an email I received recently:

I have a question; do you ever feel like your daughter’s spirit is around you? I always feel like she is around me. Sometimes I get confused, like I wonder did she ever cross over or does she just come back to visit? J.A.

It really is such a good question, and one that I find interesting to answer. Since it comes up so often, I finally decided to share my thoughts on this subject in a blog.

First, let me say that God makes it very clear we are NOT to go to mediums or try to call up the dead (Deuteronomy 18:9-11). That is dangerous and opens the door for the demonic realm to approach and deceive us, letting darkness have an influence in our lives disguised as light and hope. But that is not what I am talking about here.

I know strong Christians who are positive they occasionally feel the presence of the spirit of their loved one who died and no longer has a bodily form. These Christians have not sought after them as a spiritual being. They are not going to psychics or mediums to try and hear from their loved ones. But at some point, usually quite unexpectedly, they suddenly just “know” that their child or loved one is in the room with them, usually very close by.

When I started hearing these stories, I realized it was not my job to judge, but to be like Mary, and quietly ponder those things in my heart, taking them to God. And in doing this for several years now, I have only recently allowed myself to begin to explore outside of what I was taught, that when a person dies, they leave this earth and we are totally separated until we ourselves die. Period. That’s it. End of story.

I didn’t allow myself to even remotely consider anything else because I have been afraid of “being led astray” and seeing something because I want to see it, allowing myself to be deceived. But when I take anything I am questioning to God, I always ask Him to show me the truth, and not to allow me to be deceived. So, I have to believe that He will honor that, and the Holy Spirit will help me sort it out without going down the wrong path on the questions I put before Him, including this one.

So, let me take a deep breath and say that I have begun to believe that it is possible that our children’s spirits have opportunities to visit us, for the specific purpose of bringing comfort, peace, or whatever our need is for that moment. And there are places in the Bible that support this.

First, we know there are spiritual beings, angels and demons, all around us. We are surrounded by a spiritual realm that is even more real than the earthly realm we live in.

Remember when God opened Jacob’s eyes to see a ladder to heaven with angels ascending and descending (Genesis 28)? So, if our children are no longer contained by their bodies, isn’t it possible that God occasionally allows them to ascend and descend as spiritual beings also, if there is a purpose for it?

Then there is the time when Moses and Elijah came to earth to speak with Jesus before His death (Matthew 17).

And how about the “great cloud of witnesses” that Hebrews chapter twelve talks about, referring to the entire previous chapter of those who had died? Is it just those in Hebrews 11 who are in that group, or is it everyone who has died and now has full access to the Father as a spiritual being without bodily limitations?

We are three-part beings. We have a soul (our mind, will and emotions), we live in a body, but we are a spirit being. Jesus was very clear that He was leaving this earth so that the Holy Spirit could come (John 16:7). He lives inside us when we believe and receive by faith that Jesus died for our sins and was resurrected. We are the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19), so our spirit is fully connected with the spiritual realm, whether we are aware of it or not.

In John chapter ten, Jesus says His sheep hear and know His voice and follow Him. As Christians, we are supposed to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, growing in knowing His voice, so we can grow in our direct communion and fellowship with Him. It is a Spirit-to-spirit connection. So, if we are aware of God’s presence, is it that far off-base to occasionally be aware of the presence of our child’s spirit, who is connected to Him, Spirit-to-spirit as well?

Let me also say that I believe there are many times when God knows we need encouragement, so He will send us a sign that relates to our child, but it is not him or her. For example, let’s say a grieving parent is floundering hopelessly in the suffocating darkness of their grief. A cardinal comes and sits within 3 feet of them. Knowing their child loved and collected cardinals, some parents will think their child came to visit them as that cardinal. There is no scriptural ground that anyone’s spirit comes back in the form of an animal. However, I do believe that God, in His deep love and compassion, sent that cardinal to give peace and comfort, because of the special connection their child had with cardinals.

One thing that I become more aware of with each passing year, is how much I don’t understand about God. Even having the Bible to read and study, His vastness, His majesty, His glory, His love, is just beyond what I can comprehend or wrap my head around. Paul tells us in I Corinthians 13:12 that we see in part and we know in part. We cannot see the full picture, because what we see here on this earth is like looking through a dark glass.

Yes, I know we have the Word to teach and guide us, but there is not one single person here on earth who doesn’t have blind spots and wrong beliefs in some areas. Not a single one of us knows all truth. But we are constantly being taught by the Holy Spirit, who lives inside us, having our eyes opened to more light and more truth, which continues to set us free from false beliefs.

Have I had a sense that Becca’s spirit is around at some point? No, but I have had twice when I fully believe I was in heaven with her. God gave me a vision, allowing my spirit to join her before His throne and in the heavenly city.

So, in answer to the question, “Can the spirits of our children come to us?” I will say that I have started to believe it is possible that our children’s spirit can come and be with us at times on assignment for a specific purpose.

I would love to hear from you on this subject. If you do not agree, please share in a loving and respectful way. Anything harsh and judgmental will not be approved to be posted.

 

One of the sessions of the GPS Hope on-line summit was “What About Psychics and Signs?” where Dave and I discuss the topic. The entire Virtual Summit is on sale in our store, but if you would like this session for free, we would be happy to send a link for you to access it. Just fill in the information below. (It will also add you to our Weekly Word of Hope emails, which you can unsubscribe from at any time.)

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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Three Ways to Face Bittersweet Events as a Bereaved Parent

When our child passes through this life ahead of us, the pain is more than can be put into words. But as life around us goes on, we eventually (and I use that word very loosely) learn how to function with that piece of our heart missing.

But every event that should be worth celebrating, is now bittersweet.

Getting together for the holidays will forever be bittersweet. Yes, we can be grateful and enjoy those who are gathered there. and even have moments of fun and laughter when we are all together, but whether we say it or not, in our hearts there is an undercurrent of pain, knowing we aren’t really all together. For instance, as we watch the next generation of cousins enjoying each other, we are blatantly reminded that our child is not there with them. No matter how much we love our family and are happy to be together, we hurt because our child will always be missing. Bittersweet.

Graduations, school dances, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, birthday parties, weddings, baby showers…all of these and many more celebration events and milestones can be overshadowed with a reminder of who is not there and be bittersweet.

Our middle son will be the only one of the siblings who had all five of them present at his wedding. The other four will be missing their sister, both at the event, and in the family wedding photos. Bittersweet.

Almost one year to the day of Becca’s death, we had the blessing of a new little granddaughter coming into this world. She was given the name of Becca as a second middle name. Very bittersweet. And since then we’ve had three more grandchildren born into our family. Every day a grandchild makes his or her entrance into the world is miraculously wonderful, but we can’t help but also feel the deep sting that someone important is missing, as Becca is not there as a newly proud aunt. Bittersweet.

What I have found is that the sweeter the moment in life, the opposite is also true; the deeper the sting is in our hearts because our child isn’t with us to share that moment.

Is there anything we can do to ease that sting?

When those grief waves come, I will be one of the first ones to tell you it is important to lean into it, allowing yourself to feel the pain, like a valve allowing the pressure of grief to be released. And the fresher the loss, the more painful pressure there is that needs to go somewhere. In fact, it may be one constant release for weeks and months.

But we all come to a point somewhere down this road, where we get to make a choice. Am I going to keep that painful loss in the forefront of my life, leaning into the bitterness of my earthly loss, or am I going to find ways to lean into the sweetness of life that is still all around me?

If you are ready to move further away from the bitter, here are three suggestions to help lean into the sweet, during those bittersweet events.

  1. When I feel the heaviness of grief trying to come in, I will pause and think of my beautiful Becca in heaven, dancing on two legs, with Jesus. She is in the greatest celebration of all (which means she is not really missing out on much here compared to what she is experiencing). I will remind myself that this earth is not my permanent home. “For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:18). I tell myself that at some point, life on this earth won’t matter, and we will all be united for eternity. What a glorious day that will be!

Focusing on my child’s gain, and the fact that this world is not permanent, allows me to lean away from the bitter and into the sweetness of the moment.

  1. It helps when the family makes sure the memory of our child is kept alive at these events. Since I have written about this before, I won’t go into it here. One is Three Ways To Help a Bereaved Parent During the Holidays and another is Five Suggestions for Bereaved Parents Who Have Been Told, “You Should Be Over This By Now” (specifically point number 4).
  1. Connect with other pareavors (bereaved parents) who can let you know that all of those crazy thoughts and emotions you have (that make you think you are a horrible person) are NORMAL for a parent who has lost a child.

Below are some actual quotes from grieving parents that you might be able to relate to.

It has been three years, and when I hear of the ones around me talking about doing or seeing things with their family, it still just sends me into a roller coaster.

The hardest days I’ve lived with in the past almost five years (besides the initial shock and despair) following my daughter’s murder? When her younger siblings caught up to, and then passed her in age.

Does anyone else find it hard to be happy for someone who is expecting when your heart is permanently broken??

When people ask how I am doing I just say fine, because the very few times I’ve broken down and told the truth they didn’t want to hear it!! So unless it’s a really bad day and I can’t hold the tears back, I just lie and say I’m fine!!  

I can’t remember people’s names… I keep thinking that I have dementia… so many have given up on us because we don’t follow through with invitations, answer every phone call and text…

But, be sure the pareavors you connect to are not ones who are stuck and tell you that you will be also, but those who will light your path with hope that it is possible to get through this, such as the following:

I have lost 3 children to death too soon. I realized the more I wished for the day to be over, and praying the next day would be better, that I am letting my days slip away. We are not promised tomorrow so I must learn how to live … It’s our personal choice as life stops for no one.

 …I remember feeling guilty the first day I didn’t feel crushing heartbreak. But then I remembered that my daughter was laughter and life and light. I began to find ways to fill my days with those…

…it has been 9 yrs since my oldest son passed in a wreck, and today I laugh again. You will laugh again, you will smile again, you will feel joy again… it’s a very black journey for most of us, but we do get thru it. It’s different for everyone, we all react differently to things, but this is one thing the most of us moms agree on, we could not have gotten thru it without each other’s help and shoulders to cry on; the wisdom of the mothers who had gone thru it before us.

 …She has been gone now for longer than she lived. My life has not stood still; my grief did not hold its shape like concrete. It is a process through which we move, and we return to joy of a different kind, laced with gratitude for what we’ve had and what we still have… Choose to heal, and you will. Intend it! Then follow the path, step by step, until you’re there.

This whole bittersweet thing is part of our lives now, whether we want it to be or not. I love how this parent describes it:

Losing a child splits you in two. You are never whole again and that’s ok. You are like a great oak tree, and the loss of a child is like lightning that strikes the oak, splitting and burning the bark, leaving the strong tree still alive but damaged forever. The tree doesn’t die, it can’t; it’s needed to go on and provide life for so many others who love it and depend on the tree. Going on with your life, honors your child. You keep their memory alive…

When we do choose to move toward a measure of healing, desiring to bring laughter and joy into our lives once again, it is hard work. It is a battle. It can be exhausting. Choosing to focus on the blessings we have, and leaning into the sweet, instead of the bitter, can be extremely difficult.

But it can be done, and it is so very worth it! Here at Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) we pray that you choose life, and to connect with us to walk with you on that journey.

The quotes in this blog were taken from Come Grieve Through My Eyes: How to Give Comfort and Support to Bereaved Parents by Taking a Glimpse into Our Hidden World. Many bereaved parents have endorsed this book, saying how much it helped them to understand their own grief.

We would like to directly offer this book to our readers for half price! It is your choice for the eBook only $3, or a signed paperback copy only $5 (plus S/H). This is limited to one per person, but you can let your friends and family know about it, to get their own copy. 

For the eBook (pdf version for only $3) click here.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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It’s Okay Not to Be Okay!

When we have to say a final earthly goodbye to our child, it affects everything.

Even the word family takes on a whole new meaning. Our family will never be complete again. There are no replacements for child loss…

Ever.

And because of that, phrases with the word family in them can bring on crashing emotions.

 • Family photo
• Family reunion
• Family vacation
• Family meal
• Family pack (of tickets, etc.)
• Family holiday
• Family picnic

Any kind of family gathering, event, or even advertisements, is a glaring reminder of the child we are missing.

We get a front row seat to the meaning of the word bittersweet. For me personally:

Our middle son will be the only one of the siblings who had all five of them present at his wedding. The other three will be missing their sister, both at the event itself, and in the family wedding photos. Bittersweet…

We have had four grandchildren born since Becca died. The day those precious little ones made their entrance into the world was wonderful, but someone was missing. We only have one grandchild who knew her Aunt Becca. Any other grandchildren will not have that blessing. Bittersweet…

Our family is growing, and as my children get married and start their own families, it gets harder to have us all together for the holidays. On those fun times when we are all together, we aren’t really all together, because Becca and her daughter are missing. Bittersweet…

Graduations, school dances, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, birthday parties, weddings, baby showers…all of these and many more events can be overshadowed with a reminder of who is not there, and be bittersweet…

As I sit here at my desk, I am surrounded by memories and thoughts of Becca. It always amazes me how some days memories can make me smile, and other days they bring tears.

Holidays, like the ones we have just been through, definitely have the same effect on me. Some moments, some days, some years are filled with tears, and others are filled with warm memories that bring smiles and even laughter.

And I have learned that it’s okay. It’s okay to be smiling one moment and crying the next.

It’s okay to be able to go to one event but not go to the next event.

It’s okay to want to talk about my child with someone who misses her. It’s okay to not want to talk about my child right now to anyone.

It’s okay to fall apart and be a mess because something triggered a wave of grief, and it’s okay to have that happen with no explanation.

It’s okay to finally have a burst of energy one day, and the next day not even get out of bed (much less get dressed).

It’s okay not to be okay! Let me say that again, a little louder this time.

IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY!

Well now, this doesn’t sound like a word of hope, does it? At least not to those who have never faced a deep loss like ours. But if you are anything like me, this was a relief when I found out it is not only okay to be like this, but NORMAL!

It gave me so much hope to know that there are other bereaved parents out there who were once in the same place I am and yet seem to have figured out how to live without their child. And that they still have moments of not being okay with their child being gone from this earth.

And it also helps, when we can find ways others around us make sure the memory of our child is kept alive at these bittersweet events.

With that being said, here are a few suggestions to help you face events this coming year, that you just can’t seem to avoid, in a way that will bring some relief to you, if only for a few moments.

1. Take a memory book and ask people to write something to your child and a special memory.

2. Ask them to make a toast specifically acknowledging by name all family members who have passed on.

3. Play one of your child’s favorite upbeat songs and have everyone dance to it (even something fun like the Chicken Dance song or the always animated favorite Let It Go).

4. Have a silly hat contest, with your child’s favorite color featured. (This would have to be planned ahead and might make a wonderful yearly tradition. Then wear the same hats each year or change it up and make new ones.)

5. Find photos of the family members/friends with your child and make it into a video with music everyone will enjoy watching.

6. Take a movie your child liked to watch and ask the group you are with to watch it with you.

And if none of these suggestions seem like they will make you want to be there, guess what? It’s okay!

So often we are told in life, “It’s not about you.” But the truth is, sometimes it is.

Only you know what is right for you, as a bereaved parent, through the difficult events in the coming year. But whatever you do, do it with HOPE, knowing that means:

HOPE – Hold On, Pain Eases!

I will never say the pain ends, but it will eventually ease, as we learn how to carry the pain of our loss in a way that doesn’t consume and devour us.

But we will always have moments where it still does, and that is okay.

GPS Hope has made an eBook of the top five blogs of 2018. If you would like your own free copy, just let us know below.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

 

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The Support Beam of Grace

When I got off the fifth-floor elevator and turned the corner, I saw what would become a memory forever etched in my mind. Kim was standing in the hallway outside of Becca’s room with that look I’ll never forget. I asked, “Did she make it?” and she just shook her head no and fell into my arms. Kim was twenty-four at the time, but all I saw was my baby girl, hurting that her big sister was gone. I just held her and cried.

While I had my own feelings of finality about losing my first child, my initial thoughts were concern for my family, and I found myself asking God to surround them with His love and comfort.

My eldest son, who grew up often arguing with his big sister, now lost his closest friend and companion. My baby girl in my arms was Becca’s maid of honor and dreamed of the day Becca would be hers. My middle son was thankful that Becca had made his wedding two months earlier, but now she would never meet any of her nieces or nephews that came along. And my youngest son, who was her ring bearer and now sixteen, would never get to have that adult relationship with her.

How was my wife doing? What about Becca’s husband? And how would my granddaughter do, losing her mom at nine years old? All this was swirling through my head as I hugged my kids in the hallway. Of course there was my own pain, but my concern was for my family.

The next several days were a fog as we prepared for a funeral and tried to somehow come to grips with what just happened. It was like living in a foggy black-and-white movie with the exception of some vivid moments that jump out in dull colors in my memory. Each day brought new pain as we looked through photos to prepare for the visitation.

I have written many checks before, but I never dreamed I would be writing a check to pay for my daughter’s burial plot! I could barely see through my tears to sign it.

Yet through all the sorrow, there were moments of great joy as well as we gathered as a family and told funny stories. It was very much an exhausting, emotional roller coaster.

After the funeral, we followed the hearse in the processional across town to the cemetery. There we saw another one of those moments that jumped out of the fog. Seeing our three sons carrying their big sister’s coffin to the gravesite…there are no words to describe it other than this is just wrong!

Only a couple of days after I buried my daughter, it was time to go back to work. It was surreal as I was back in my normal surroundings and the world continued as it always had. Sure, a few people stopped in and gave me their condolences, but for the most part it was like nothing ever happened. I was still coming in and out of this fog. How do I go back to the day-to-day and act like nothing has changed?

It was not easy, and at times I would close my door and allow myself to tear up and grieve some more.

Where Grace Comes In

Grieving is not a sign of weakness, it is a way for us to heal.

I cannot overemphasize how important it was for me to make allowances for my family members, especially my wife, in the way they processed their grief.

We all handle grief in different ways and on different timelines.

My other four children all grieved in different ways and some longer than others. They all still have times when they miss Becca immensely. I encourage all of them to allow each other the space they need to grieve in their own way and not expect the others to grieve in the same way they themselves do.

Personally, I don’t always want to talk about it. I prefer keeping my feelings to myself, except with a few close people. My wife, on the other hand, seems to wear her grief on her sleeve. Laura would post all sorts of feelings on Facebook those first few years. I would every so often, but nothing like she did (or still does). I know it makes some people uncomfortable, even though she always points to God as her source of strength. I would sometimes think, “Is this normal or is my wife having some major issues here?”

Laura has one of the closest relationships to God of anyone I know. She amazes me with her insight, yet here she was struggling with so much intense pain, even though she knew without a doubt where Becca was and the glory she was experiencing. Was it normal for this to be so hard and go on so long? Truth is, absolutely!

I believe that, as devastating as the loss of a child is to a father, it is even more intense for a mother. There is no other relationship on earth like that of a mother and her child. We all know and understand how she carries that child for up to nine months in her womb.

But what we often miss is that not only is she carrying the body of another human being, but she is carrying inside her the very soul and spirit of that human being! Once that baby is born, the umbilical cord is cut and the child’s body is separated from mommy, but I believe that soul tie and spiritual connection is never cut.

I think often as men we want to get past difficult things quickly and then “get on with life,” at least to one degree or another. But for the mothers, I believe in many cases, if not most, it will take months and even years, to “get on with life” the way we imagine they should.

It has occurred to me that often people, myself included, criticize those who post too many feelings on Facebook. I wonder, though, what we would think of King David’s posts if he were one of our “friends.” The Psalms look quite a bit like some Facebook postings, and they are plastered with his feelings!

Losing a child is like an amputation. A part of your very being has been cut off from you. You will never be the same, but you can learn to function again.

When Becca had her amputation as a toddler, it was one of the most traumatic things her little body could go through. There were times when she would feel phantom pains. It took a while for the body and brain to get used to missing that leg. It took time and strength and the will to carry on, but Becca learned to live her life, forever changed, but an amazing life anyway. She had a calling on her life, and losing that leg was not going to stop her.

It can be the same way after losing a child. It can be the most horrific thing to go through. It takes time to heal. It takes time to learn how to function without our child. But even though a part of us has died with them, we can live life again.

The effects of that loss will always be there, but God loves each of us so very deeply and He still has a purpose for each of us. Just like little Becca, in time, we can go on with an amazing life that can touch others. We are forever changed by the loss, but also forever changed by the inheritance our children left us.

 

This article was adapted from Chapter 15 of When Tragedy Strikes. We hope this has given you some new insight as the door was opened just a crack, to see what it is like for a parent who has lost a child.

If this tugged at your heart and you would like to find out how to partner with Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) in ministering to parents who have lost a child, providing free resources that give hope, light and purpose without judgment or shame in their long grief journey, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

 

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