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It’s Okay Not to Be Okay!

When we have to say a final earthly goodbye to our child, it affects everything.

Even the word family takes on a whole new meaning. Our family will never be complete again. There are no replacements for child loss…

Ever.

And because of that, phrases with the word family in them can bring on crashing emotions.

 • Family photo
• Family reunion
• Family vacation
• Family meal
• Family pack (of tickets, etc.)
• Family holiday
• Family picnic

Any kind of family gathering, event, or even advertisements, is a glaring reminder of the child we are missing.

We get a front row seat to the meaning of the word bittersweet. For me personally:

Our middle son will be the only one of the siblings who had all five of them present at his wedding. The other three will be missing their sister, both at the event itself, and in the family wedding photos. Bittersweet…

We have had four grandchildren born since Becca died. The day those precious little ones made their entrance into the world was wonderful, but someone was missing. We only have one grandchild who knew her Aunt Becca. Any other grandchildren will not have that blessing. Bittersweet…

Our family is growing, and as my children get married and start their own families, it gets harder to have us all together for the holidays. On those fun times when we are all together, we aren’t really all together, because Becca and her daughter are missing. Bittersweet…

Graduations, school dances, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, birthday parties, weddings, baby showers…all of these and many more events can be overshadowed with a reminder of who is not there, and be bittersweet…

As I sit here at my desk, I am surrounded by memories and thoughts of Becca. It always amazes me how some days memories can make me smile, and other days they bring tears.

Holidays, like the ones we have just been through, definitely have the same effect on me. Some moments, some days, some years are filled with tears, and others are filled with warm memories that bring smiles and even laughter.

And I have learned that it’s okay. It’s okay to be smiling one moment and crying the next.

It’s okay to be able to go to one event but not go to the next event.

It’s okay to want to talk about my child with someone who misses her. It’s okay to not want to talk about my child right now to anyone.

It’s okay to fall apart and be a mess because something triggered a wave of grief, and it’s okay to have that happen with no explanation.

It’s okay to finally have a burst of energy one day, and the next day not even get out of bed (much less get dressed).

It’s okay not to be okay! Let me say that again, a little louder this time.

IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY!

Well now, this doesn’t sound like a word of hope, does it? At least not to those who have never faced a deep loss like ours. But if you are anything like me, this was a relief when I found out it is not only okay to be like this, but NORMAL!

It gave me so much hope to know that there are other bereaved parents out there who were once in the same place I am and yet seem to have figured out how to live without their child. And that they still have moments of not being okay with their child being gone from this earth.

And it also helps, when we can find ways others around us make sure the memory of our child is kept alive at these bittersweet events.

With that being said, here are a few suggestions to help you face events this coming year, that you just can’t seem to avoid, in a way that will bring some relief to you, if only for a few moments.

1. Take a memory book and ask people to write something to your child and a special memory.

2. Ask them to make a toast specifically acknowledging by name all family members who have passed on.

3. Play one of your child’s favorite upbeat songs and have everyone dance to it (even something fun like the Chicken Dance song or the always animated favorite Let It Go).

4. Have a silly hat contest, with your child’s favorite color featured. (This would have to be planned ahead and might make a wonderful yearly tradition. Then wear the same hats each year or change it up and make new ones.)

5. Find photos of the family members/friends with your child and make it into a video with music everyone will enjoy watching.

6. Take a movie your child liked to watch and ask the group you are with to watch it with you.

And if none of these suggestions seem like they will make you want to be there, guess what? It’s okay!

So often we are told in life, “It’s not about you.” But the truth is, sometimes it is.

Only you know what is right for you, as a bereaved parent, through the difficult events in the coming year. But whatever you do, do it with HOPE, knowing that means:

HOPE – Hold On, Pain Eases!

I will never say the pain ends, but it will eventually ease, as we learn how to carry the pain of our loss in a way that doesn’t consume and devour us.

But we will always have moments where it still does, and that is okay.

GPS Hope has made an eBook of the top five blogs of 2018. If you would like your own free copy, just let us know below.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

 

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The Support Beam of Grace

When I got off the fifth-floor elevator and turned the corner, I saw what would become a memory forever etched in my mind. Kim was standing in the hallway outside of Becca’s room with that look I’ll never forget. I asked, “Did she make it?” and she just shook her head no and fell into my arms. Kim was twenty-four at the time, but all I saw was my baby girl, hurting that her big sister was gone. I just held her and cried.

While I had my own feelings of finality about losing my first child, my initial thoughts were concern for my family, and I found myself asking God to surround them with His love and comfort.

My eldest son, who grew up often arguing with his big sister, now lost his closest friend and companion. My baby girl in my arms was Becca’s maid of honor and dreamed of the day Becca would be hers. My middle son was thankful that Becca had made his wedding two months earlier, but now she would never meet any of her nieces or nephews that came along. And my youngest son, who was her ring bearer and now sixteen, would never get to have that adult relationship with her.

How was my wife doing? What about Becca’s husband? And how would my granddaughter do, losing her mom at nine years old? All this was swirling through my head as I hugged my kids in the hallway. Of course there was my own pain, but my concern was for my family.

The next several days were a fog as we prepared for a funeral and tried to somehow come to grips with what just happened. It was like living in a foggy black-and-white movie with the exception of some vivid moments that jump out in dull colors in my memory. Each day brought new pain as we looked through photos to prepare for the visitation.

I have written many checks before, but I never dreamed I would be writing a check to pay for my daughter’s burial plot! I could barely see through my tears to sign it.

Yet through all the sorrow, there were moments of great joy as well as we gathered as a family and told funny stories. It was very much an exhausting, emotional roller coaster.

After the funeral, we followed the hearse in the processional across town to the cemetery. There we saw another one of those moments that jumped out of the fog. Seeing our three sons carrying their big sister’s coffin to the gravesite…there are no words to describe it other than this is just wrong!

Only a couple of days after I buried my daughter, it was time to go back to work. It was surreal as I was back in my normal surroundings and the world continued as it always had. Sure, a few people stopped in and gave me their condolences, but for the most part it was like nothing ever happened. I was still coming in and out of this fog. How do I go back to the day-to-day and act like nothing has changed?

It was not easy, and at times I would close my door and allow myself to tear up and grieve some more.

Where Grace Comes In

Grieving is not a sign of weakness, it is a way for us to heal.

I cannot overemphasize how important it was for me to make allowances for my family members, especially my wife, in the way they processed their grief.

We all handle grief in different ways and on different timelines.

My other four children all grieved in different ways and some longer than others. They all still have times when they miss Becca immensely. I encourage all of them to allow each other the space they need to grieve in their own way and not expect the others to grieve in the same way they themselves do.

Personally, I don’t always want to talk about it. I prefer keeping my feelings to myself, except with a few close people. My wife, on the other hand, seems to wear her grief on her sleeve. Laura would post all sorts of feelings on Facebook those first few years. I would every so often, but nothing like she did (or still does). I know it makes some people uncomfortable, even though she always points to God as her source of strength. I would sometimes think, “Is this normal or is my wife having some major issues here?”

Laura has one of the closest relationships to God of anyone I know. She amazes me with her insight, yet here she was struggling with so much intense pain, even though she knew without a doubt where Becca was and the glory she was experiencing. Was it normal for this to be so hard and go on so long? Truth is, absolutely!

I believe that, as devastating as the loss of a child is to a father, it is even more intense for a mother. There is no other relationship on earth like that of a mother and her child. We all know and understand how she carries that child for up to nine months in her womb.

But what we often miss is that not only is she carrying the body of another human being, but she is carrying inside her the very soul and spirit of that human being! Once that baby is born, the umbilical cord is cut and the child’s body is separated from mommy, but I believe that soul tie and spiritual connection is never cut.

I think often as men we want to get past difficult things quickly and then “get on with life,” at least to one degree or another. But for the mothers, I believe in many cases, if not most, it will take months and even years, to “get on with life” the way we imagine they should.

It has occurred to me that often people, myself included, criticize those who post too many feelings on Facebook. I wonder, though, what we would think of King David’s posts if he were one of our “friends.” The Psalms look quite a bit like some Facebook postings, and they are plastered with his feelings!

Losing a child is like an amputation. A part of your very being has been cut off from you. You will never be the same, but you can learn to function again.

When Becca had her amputation as a toddler, it was one of the most traumatic things her little body could go through. There were times when she would feel phantom pains. It took a while for the body and brain to get used to missing that leg. It took time and strength and the will to carry on, but Becca learned to live her life, forever changed, but an amazing life anyway. She had a calling on her life, and losing that leg was not going to stop her.

It can be the same way after losing a child. It can be the most horrific thing to go through. It takes time to heal. It takes time to learn how to function without our child. But even though a part of us has died with them, we can live life again.

The effects of that loss will always be there, but God loves each of us so very deeply and He still has a purpose for each of us. Just like little Becca, in time, we can go on with an amazing life that can touch others. We are forever changed by the loss, but also forever changed by the inheritance our children left us.

 

This article was adapted from Chapter 15 of When Tragedy Strikes. We hope this has given you some new insight as the door was opened just a crack, to see what it is like for a parent who has lost a child.

If this tugged at your heart and you would like to find out how to partner with Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) in ministering to parents who have lost a child, providing free resources that give hope, light and purpose without judgment or shame in their long grief journey, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

 

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When Life Stands Still After the Death of Your Child

Many grieving parents that I talk to share how hard it is that their life has come to a screeching halt after the death of their child, and don’t understand how everyone else just keeps going.

I remember feeling that way myself. I specifically remember that thought sitting in my car at a stop light. Even though I was out and about, I was numb. I was going through the motions and doing only what was absolutely necessary outside my home. I could see people walking, people in cars around me having conversations, and cars driving past me as if the world was okay. It was hard not to get angry and not start screaming at everyone for acting like things were normal.

Eventually (and by “eventually,” I mean two to three years), I found myself running those same errands without the sense that because my world had come to an end, everyone else’s should, too. Until recently…

On July 15, my husband, Dave, got a phone call from his dad who was having such intense back pain it was causing him to vomit, and asked Dave to take him to the ER to get checked out. Eight hours later, the family was being called to sit by my father-in-law’s bedside, waiting for him to pass from this world with a ruptured aorta that was inoperable.

Not only did we lose the first one of our four parents, but Dave and I became instant caregivers to his mom, whose dementia and other health issues need someone with her pretty much 24/7. For almost two months now, we have been taking shifts, living with her as we jump through all the hoops going through the process to get her placed in an assisted living facility.

Life has once again come to a standstill. I look around at life going on as normal for those around me, while my world has been turned upside down. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother-in-law. We have never had that stereotypical difficult relationship. However, my son and his family purchased their first home and we have not been able to help them move or get settled much at all. My youngest son is moving, and we have not helped him either.

Dave and I were in the process of downsizing, to move into our Hope Mobile (the motor home we recently purchased to go on the road full time for GPS Hope, helping grieving parents). That not only came to a halt, I found myself bringing back to the house things I had already moved to the motor home. Our oldest son is buying our house, and that came to a standstill as well, since we could not move out, taking turns being full-time caregivers.

My writing to keep up with blogs, emails, and so on has been spotty at best. Even our marriage feels like it has come to a standstill, as most of the time one of us is at Mom’s apartment and one of us is home.

Because I have faced the worst thing that could happen in my life, the death of one of my children, and have come out the other side able to live again when I didn’t think that was possible, I know that it will happen again with this new situation that has me at a standstill.

“And it came to pass…” Those can be some of the most encouraging words in the Bible. Some translations say, “in time…” or “after that…” In other words, it won’t always be like this.

If you are frustrated that life is going on while you feel so very stuck, I want to help you think of it a little differently. It is actually a good thing to see life going on around you, because that means you are surrounded by people whose lives came to a standstill, but they have been able to move forward at some point. And that includes bereaved parents like Dave and me, who were once in that same place of suffocating darkness.

I am not saying that life goes on as normal, the way it was before the death of your child. That would be impossible. What I am saying is that if you keep going, one day, one hour, one breath at a time, (and I know sometimes it feels like you can’t), at some point down the road you will find yourself feeling a stirring of being alive again. Just keep watching those who are ahead of you as a hopeful reminder that just maybe, it can happen to you

also.

And I am now happy to be someone you and others can look at, wondering how I ever got past Becca’s death to be able to live again. And a few years into this journey, I believe that you will have others wondering that about you.

We would love to send you a list of thirty suggestions to help bring yourself comfort and take care of yourself body, soul, and spirit. Just fill in the information, hit submit, and it will be sent to you right away.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

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A Gem Hidden Deeply in God’s Word

God’s Word has become so very rich since Becca’s death, even in preparing for what I wanted to say at her funeral. But that isn’t usually the case for those who are grieving the death of a child.

Sometimes it takes two to three years for the pain and fog to lift to be able to even make sense of what is being read (which happened to me for quite a while in the deepest part of my grief). Or, these grieving parents are angry and struggling with their faith, like the woman I heard from yesterday who lost her son five years ago, and just this week walked out of a church service because she still can’t stand to hear people say that God is good.

I have to say that for me personally, many verses I have been taught or have seen a certain way (some of them since I was very young) have become a life-line of hope in a whole new light.

God tells us that His Word is a lamp to our feet and a light to our paths (Psalm 119:105). And in the depth of darkness that we find ourselves in after the death of our child, or any deep loss or tragedy, we desperately need any tiny pinhole of light that we can get.

I would like to share one of those scriptures that has taken on a totally new meaning to me now.

Ephesians 3:20 says talks about God being able “to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.”

I have always heard this verse in the context of things like, “When you ask God for a good job, you can claim this verse and He will give you even a better job than you asked for.”

Or I have heard Christian leaders share about applying this verse to something they are praying for (like having a ministry bigger than they could ever imagine) and then adding in a laughing humorous way, “and I can imagine a whole lot!”

As I was reading through the book of Ephesians one day, I realized how much that verse truly applies to those of us who find ourselves in an unwanted and indescribable darkness of deep grief, tragedy and trauma.

We all think and say things like, “I can’t imagine EVER getting out of this pain and darkness.” “I can’t EVER imagine living life without my child.” Or, “God, when will I stop hurting so much?”

And that is exactly where the truth of this verse comes in. God promises that He is able to do more than we could ask for, or imagine! We cannot imagine ever coming out of our painful darkness to a place of living a life of purpose and meaning again. It feels impossible. But He can, and He will do what we cannot even imagine!

Any time we cry out to Him from that place of horrendous pain, even the smallest plea of, “God HELP me!” He goes to work making good on that very promise! Many times, it doesn’t seem like it because often nothing seems to change. We can go days, weeks and even months in the same suffocating darkness and turmoil. As a parent who has to learn how to live again after the death of their child, that grief journey is a long and very slow process to work through. So are other deep tragedies and losses. But God is at work, because we cried out, allowing His power to be at work within us.

So, it’s okay if you cannot imagine ever having hope, light, or purpose in your life ever again. God’s got this! And until that time comes, ask God to send loving, gracious people your way, who will walk with you through the darkness.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
  • Subscribe  to Laura’s YouTube channel for grieving parents.

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Dealing with Sibling Grief After the Death of Our Child (Part 2)

I have heard from so many siblings, “I lost my mom and dad when I lost my brother” (or sister).

As parents, our grief is so consuming, we often cannot see how it is affecting our children who are still alive.

In my previous article Dealing with Sibling Grief after the Death of Your Child, my emphasis was on why the death of our child affects our other children so deeply. (If you have not read the previous article you may want to click on the link to read it before continuing.)

In this blog, we will look at some of the things we can do to help them process their grief, even within our own darkness.

First, we need to realize that each sibling loss is as unique and individual as it is for us as parents losing our child. That also applies to how the siblings will deal with their grief. Just like there is no wrong way for us to grieve as parents, there is no wrong way for them to grieve, although they may need more help in directing it appropriately or need some counseling.

It will be important to be sensitive to where your children are in their grief and do what you can to help. You cannot have the attitude that your grief is more important than your child’s, and therefore what you need comes first. That is very destructive, both short-term and long-term. (Yes, there is truth to “put on your own oxygen mask first to be able to assist others,” but that is not what I am talking about.)

For example, when all the physical reminders of the child who died are put away, surviving children who have memories of their deceased sibling may be confused and upset by the disappearance of their brother’s or sister’s belongings. They may feel guilty for wanting the things in sight or for remembering their sibling.

If you just can’t be around these reminders yet, look for ways that your children can keep some mementos where you won’t see them.

But the opposite might also happen. When a point is made that everything is to be left exactly as it was when your child died, the siblings may be confused about why, especially if they want and need to touch or hold something for comfort, or could get the message that the dead sibling was more valuable to you than they are.

Also, be conscious of how much of a “shrine” you make for your deceased child in a prominent place in the home. I know one of our greatest fears is that people will forget our child, and we are determined not to let that happen. But when we have a full display in a place where everyone is forced to see it, some children (including teens and adults) receive the wrong message, that the sibling who died is more important than your children who are still alive and part of your life. They can feel pushed out and worthless, and even start to think maybe they should be dead, too.

I understand when we have children still with us, we have them, but all we have left are pictures, mementos and memories of the one who died. But sibling rivalry is real, and how can siblings compete with someone who is now gone and being idolized?

When I realized this, I turned my “Becca” wall into a my “children” wall. She is there, along with special mementos, but so are my other children with special things from them. We are still a family, and as much as it hurts, Becca no longer being with us doesn’t make her more important than her sister and brothers. I do have a light above the shadowbox with the butterfly photo which was placed on her hospital door when she died, that I turn on for holidays and her birthday and sunset day, which allows me to acknowledge her missed absence.

If something like that just won’t work for you, I suggest placing your special remembrance area where your other children are less apt to see it, such as a trunk at the foot of you bed that you can open and see the contents. Or clear out a section of your bedroom closet and make a display so you can easily look at the special pictures and mementos of your child whenever you need to.

Some children have a hard time participating in things that trigger a reminder of who they lost. It may be difficult for them to return to the bedroom they shared with their sibling who is now gone. They might not want to play Little League anymore because their sibling is no longer around to practice in the back yard with them. That’s okay. They need grace to work through their grief, just like we do. You are going to need wisdom on whether or not it is a good idea to force them to do those things. As you already know, there is no “one size fits all” in this dark and difficult situation.

Routines are another thing that can be affected. Some children will need the same routine (as much as possible) after the death of their sibling. Others just won’t be able to keep a routine for a while that reminds them of their loss, especially if it was something they used to always do together with their brother or sister.

If at all possible, I suggest trying to include the siblings in some of the decision making, in ways that are appropriate to their age. Find out things like: Does there need to be a change in household chores? Do they want to start something new, like learning an instrument? Do they want a new bedspread (or maybe their sibling’s bedspread)? Do they need to stop dance lessons for a while, if they took lessons with their sister?

Do they want to find a way to feel close to their sibling? If that is the case, here are some suggestions:

1. Have their sibling’s sweatshirt made into a teddy bear that they sleep with at night
2. Carry their brother or sister’s picture with them
3. Wear their sibling’s clothes or jewelry
4. Listen to music that reminds them of their sibling
5. Two of my older children got significant personalized tattoos (we signed permission papers for our 16-year-old)

Sibling grief can be very complicated, because they often have very complicated relationships. Sisters and brothers experience a range of sometimes conflicting feelings for each other. They may love and look up to one another. Older siblings may feel responsible for, enjoy and/or resent caring for younger ones. They may be jealous and fight. And their relationships can change over time.

When a sibling dies, these past relationships and feelings can affect the surviving child’s grief and the entire family’s bereavement process.

What I hear from parents the most is the pain of wanting their children to talk with them and have conversations about the one who is no longer with them. May times the kids just don’t want to talk, and the parents are very upset and don’t understand why.

A couple of years ago, I got to sit in on some conference sessions where siblings shared how they dealt with their loss. Some needed to get away to figure out who they were without the influence of that sibling anymore (to find their new identity). Many of them felt a need to make new friends with people who didn’t know they had lost a sibling. Often, they didn’t want to (and wouldn’t) come home to the painful reminders of their loss. Some admittedly went off the deep end and got into things they shouldn’t have. But they eventually they found their way back to their parents and relationships were restored. (I have personally found that to be true as well.)

We will discuss this further, along with other specific issues your children may be having, and what you can do to help them, in the third and final article on this subject of sibling loss.

 

If you would like a free PDF version of the book  From Ring Bearer to Pallbearer: Giving a Voice to Bereaved Siblings and Grandparents (exclusively from GPS Hope) just click here to be taken to our free membership library where you can sign up to become a member and access the book and many other helpful resources.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

 

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