GPS Hope

by Leave a Comment

To the Newly Bereaved

If you have recently lost your child from this earth, we know there is just no way to put into words the swirling emotions, the suffocating darkness and the crushing pain.

Our guess is that people were so wonderfully supportive for the first few days and even a few weeks. But at some point, everyone else’s life has gone back to normal, and you just want to scream at them, because your life is still at a screeching halt.

We get it.

If you have faced a deep loss before, grieving the death of your child may seem so much worse, and you think you are going crazy.

If you have never lost someone close before, you probably realize you have no grid for your grief, but you must be going crazy.

Either way, you may have times where you find you are literally forgetting to breathe, and have to remind yourself to take a breath. Your body is out of whack; your mind is full and empty at the same time. Your sleep is off. Often times you can’t stop crying, and it might even seem like everything around you looks gray and colorless. You can forget things, even as simple as how to peel an orange or find yourself panicking because you suddenly forgot how to get home from the store you have shopped at for ten years. You don’t know how you can go on living, and probably don’t want to, which makes no sense to your mind if you are happily married or have other children still here. You are barely in survival mode, and don’t think it is possible to get out of the darkness, much less to a place of wanting to live without your child, and impossible to have a life with purpose and meaning ever again.

Let me assure you, all of this is normal. Once again, those of us who have traveled this road ahead of you have felt all of that ourselves.

People who have not faced the loss of a child may tell you that you need to move on, that you need to get past it, or that you need to find a way to have closure. These are all people who don’t want to see you in so much pain, and they mean well, but to say it bluntly, they don’t know what they’re talking about.

  • Your child will always be a part of you, so you won’t be “moving on.”
  • Only having the precious memories of your child instead of your child makes it impossible to “get past it.”
  • Having your future taken from you in the love and legacy of your child means there will not be “closure.”

HOWEVER….

It is possible to have hope in the midst of your intense pain.

It is possible to have light break through the darkness.

It is possible to laugh and have joy in your life in a new way.

It is possible to live a life of meaning and purpose again.

Not only is it possible, but it is probable, if you stay connected with bereaved parents who are living in that place.

Here at Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope), you will find this is a safe place for all of your emotions, all of your questions, your anger, and everything else that comes with grieving the death of your child. We are not just here for you, but we are here to walk with you, for as long as it takes for you to come out the other side with all of those things listed above that we ourselves have found.

And this will not be in spite of the loss of your child, but in honor of the life of your child.

It will probably take longer than you want it to. That’s okay. You have had an amputation. A part of your very being has been cut off. Give yourself lots and lots of grace and allow yourself lots and lots of time (even if those around you don’t). You can eventually learn to live with that piece of you missing, but there will be constant reminders and new situations causing you to stumble for the rest of your life. (Some of us call them grief attacks.)

Sometimes you will be forced to give in to your limitations of grief. Sometimes you will learn how to work around it. And yes, there will be times you will be able to soar above it. There is no right or wrong way. It is whatever way works for you at that moment in time.

But for now, just rest, knowing that you are surrounded by bereaved parents who have been right where you are, and that you have our hearts, our love and our prayers.

We also want you to know:

  • You must go through this; there is no way around it.
  • There is no timetable.
  • There are no “grief stages” you have to work your way through.
  • Moving forward does not mean you are leaving your child behind.
  • Anything under five years for the death of one’s child is considered fresh grief.
  • The death of one’s child is considered a trauma, and what you are feeling and thinking is normal.
  • You will survive.
  • You are not alone!

We understand, and will walk with you, to help you find your way out of the darkness and into a place of light and a life with meaning and purpose once again, BECAUSE of your child’s life, not in spite of their death. It won’t be easy, but hang on to the hope that it can be done.

Please be sure to visit our Wall of Remembrance, and have your child added!

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

by 2 Comments

Help! I Feel So Guilty…

It’s been almost 5 1/2 years since our beautiful 23-year-old daughter, Naomi, took her life and it’s still so hard to believe this happened. It’s so wrong and it never should have happened, but it did.

We knew she was depressed and believed the cause was postpartum depression but now believe it was more complicated than that. We also learned of a traumatic experience that she had gone through that would have added to her depression.

There are so many events that happened in the 3 1/2 months before her taking her life that I have gone over and over in my mind, trying to put it all together and make sense of it all. I had so much guilt as I replayed conversations that we’d had over and over in my mind, thinking the outcome could have been different if I had asked different questions or been there more for her.

We actually thought she was getting better because she showed signs of being more of her happy self at times. I know she was afraid to tell us that she was in a worse place than we realized, which breaks my heart.

In November of 2013, a little over 1 1/2 years since Naomi left this earth, we saw Steven Curtis Chapman in concert and one of the things he said was, “I probably have more questions now than I’ve ever had, but I think the question that the Lord is asking us is, ‘Will you trust me?'” I broke down when I heard him say that because that was my struggle. “Do I trust you, Lord? I want to. Help me to!”

On July 24, 2014, our daughter’s birthday, I was finally able to say, “Lord, I don’t get this and this is so wrong and there are so many unanswered questions, but I trust you.” There are things that happen in this life that are so painful and tragic and wrong, but as Papa said in The Shack, “Just because I can bring incredible good out of incredible tragedy doesn’t mean I orchestrated the tragedy.”

God is good and He is faithful and He is the healer of the brokenhearted and He WILL give beauty for ashes! I trust that!

What you have just read was written by Denee Martindale. In the last couple of years, Denee has become a precious friend. Our daughters actually knew each other growing up, through school and local church activities, but it has only been since they both died that we have gotten to know one another on a deeper level.

There are three things that I think are important to notice in what Denee has shared.

  1. Guilt did not serve her well. 

The “if only’s” and deep regrets don’t change anything. In fact, as long as we are in that frame of mind, we are continuing to feed the darkness and depression we all face after the death of our child (especially one who ended his or her own life).

  1. It took quite a long time to let go of that guilt.

Naomi passed in April of 2012. Denee was tortured with the guilt for over a year and a half. And even when presented with the truth that God was asking her to trust Him beyond all of her unanswered questions, it took another eight months before she was ready to do so.

I know many of you who are reading this have been in that same place for much longer. (This is not a judgment, just an observation.)

  1. The solution was not in herself.

Denee had to let go and trust the One who holds life and death in His hands, and loves both you and your child more deeply than any of us can comprehend.

Coming to a place of acceptance that God did not cause the death of our child, is where many of us have to start. Then we need to accept the fact that He had a reason for not stepping in and stopping our child’s death that will not make sense to us on this side of eternity.

Unfortunately, many of us have a misguided definition of faith, which makes all of this even more difficult, and can be part of the guilt we find ourselves trapped in. True faith is not getting the answers we want (or we “claim”) to our prayers. True faith is trusting Him when certain prayers are not answered in the way we prayed, believing that He can see what we cannot see, and knows what we do not know.

It is important for us to grasp that this life and what we can see, hear, touch and feel, is only temporary. Our child is on the other side of eternity, and we will be joining them some day. Thankfully, our extremely painful separation is not permanent. We can release the guilt, knowing our children are in the safest, most wonderful place possible. Yes, I know we would much rather have them here with us, but wanting that, and hanging on to guilt because they aren’t, will not change it. So we might as well make a decision to let it go.

I encourage you to do exactly what my friend Denee did. Don’t rely on your own strength or desire to trust God with the most painful thing you have ever faced. Be honest with Him. If you are like Denee, tell Him, “I want to trust you. Help me to!” And if you are not to that point of wanting to trust Him, tell Him! And then ask Him to help you to want to trust Him.

Myself and thousands of other bereaved parents have come to the same conclusion as Denne; God is good and He is faithful and He is the healer of the brokenhearted and He WILL give beauty for ashes!

We trust that! And you can, too.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event  click here. 

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

by 2 Comments

How to Give Yourself a Measure of Healing after the Death of Your Child

With the death of our child comes such intense darkness. Most of us lose our desire to live. We know it sounds crazy, especially those of us who have other children, spouses we love deeply, careers we enjoy, and so on. But we just feel so lost and helpless when our child leaves this earth. There are no words to adequately describe the depth of our pain and darkness, confusion and turmoil.

We must go through the grieving and 14. must go through itmourning process. We cannot go around it. And it always takes  so much longer than we want it to, or think it will. I remember two years in saying, “I just want to stop hurting so bad!”. Since that time, I have had several pareavors (bereaved parents) tell me the same thing.

There are two things that I have found which help with this process. I won’t say they necessarily speed it up, but they seem to ease the pain as we move forward to a place of hope and light again.

  1. Don’t isolate yourself. I am not talking about doing things like going to church, or family events. I am talking about spending time with other pareavors, who are further down this road than you are.

It took me almost three years before I spent time with other bereaved moms. At first, it was because I couldn’t find anyone in my area who had lost a child and was reaching out to those of us who had just recently faced the same devastation. Then, after a while, I didn’t want to. I was a mess, and I didn’t want to be in a group of people who were a mess like me! I didn’t want to sit around crying and boohooing with others about our children dying, feeling even worse when I left than when I arrived.

As I was coming up on the three-year anniversary of Becca’s death, I made myself go to a conference I heard about in a nearby state. It was a three-hour drive, and I had to arrive the night before. Sitting in my hotel room by myself, my hotel phone rang. It was Lynn Breeden, the host of the event, asking me if I wanted to join her and her team for dinner. I was scared. I was depressed. Everything in me screamed, “RUUUUUUN!” But I found myself saying yes, and heading downstairs.

14. a mess like meI was immediately embraced with warmth and love and acceptance. I felt like a long-lost sister! I am tearing up right now, just thinking about it.

That weekend was a huge turning point in my taking steps toward healing. I discovered it was actually comforting to be around a group of people who were a mess like me. And we didn’t just sit around and cry. We shared our children with each other, we laughed, we heard words of hope and encouragement, and yes, there were tears. But when they came, I didn’t have to explain or make excuses. Everyone there completely understood.

All that to say, don’t be afraid to connect with other pareavors, especially those who can be a guide, walking with you out of your darkness and back into a place of hope and light again. And if there are no groups in your area, there are many ways to connect online with us or others who are doing just that.

  1. Find a cause. Don’t let the death of your child be wasted. What was something he or she strongly believed in? Can you do something to fight their cause of death to prevent others from going through what you are going through? Did they have a favorite sport or activity that you can get behind, raising and donating money or starting a scholarship fund in his or her name?

When Becca died, I tried to find books 14. find a causeand online groups to help pull me out of the suffocating darkness, but so much of what was out there was despair and hopelessness, telling me that life would never be the same and never be worth living. I had a hard time with that.

While I knew my life would never be the same, I also knew I had the Seed of Hope living inside of me. He was not blindsided by her death like I was. Even though it made no sense to me and the pain was beyond what I even thought was possible, I knew He had to have a plan. I was determined to be like Jacob, wrestling with Him and not letting go until I could see some sort of a blessing from this horror!

And I did! One night I woke up in the middle of the night with a book title and ideas for chapters. I got up and wrote it down, and shortly after, started on my first book. One day at a conference, I ended up in a conversation with a New York publisher who asked me to send what I had his way, and five weeks later was offered a contract for When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child. Once I started writing, it was like a dam inside of me burst, as I published five books in only thirteen months.

During this time, people I didn’t even know started reaching out to me to help them with the loss of their child (and a couple of friends who suffered losses shortly after us). I realized I did not want other parents to have the same struggle I had after Becca’s death, only finding darkness and hopelessness. So, Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) was founded.

14. Speaker Paul RyanWe recently had the blessing of spending some time with Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan. He was so very gracious, and thanked us for reaching out in our pain to other grieving parents. We were also able to make him aware of the Parental Bereavement Leave Act in committee right now, which is a needed amendment to the FMLA, allowing twelve weeks of unpaid leave for grieving parents (like it does when a child is born or adopted).

I have been in complete awe that in only two short years, between my books and speaking, I have been able to touch literally thousands of grieving parents with hope, after the death of their child.

I can’t even begin to describe what all of this has done for me in the healing process! And I am convinced from the dozens of parents I have talked to directly, reaching out of your pain to help someone else will do the same for you.

As I shared in the beginning, we must all go through the grieving and mourning process. We cannot go around it. And it always takes so much longer than we want it to, or think it will. I want to encourage you, if you are like I was, crying out “I just want to stop hurting so bad!”, find a way to do these two things, and you will be on your way to making that happen.

border-butterflies (2)

I would love for you to meet my precious friend, Pastor Lynn Breeden, whom I mentioned above. She was one of the speakers at our recent online conference (Virtual Summit for Bereaved Parents). To watch the session “Does it Ever Get Better?” submit your name and email below, and we will send you a link to unlock this bonus session from our Virtual Summit.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

 

by 2 Comments

Our Scars Mean We Will Never Forget

Around the age of three, I got my ankle caught in the spokes of a bicycle. The injury turned into a staph infection, taking me out of the world of childhood play for quite a while. We have pictures of me sadly sitting by a pool with my foot and leg bandaged up, while my sister and cousins are having fun playing and splashing around. Even though I totally recovered, I still have a scar on my ankle and always will.

A few years ago, I needed surgery, and was quite surprised when it took me many weeks to be able to function and take care of my family again, instead of them taking care of me. Once again, I have a permanent scar, reminding me of what I went through.

Just like a physical scar, there are things that happen in our lives that cause emotional scars. The scar of the death of our child is definitely one of those events.

Our daughter, Becca, had her left leg amputated when she was only three years old, due to bone cancer. The scar on her stump from her missing leg is a lot like the emotional scar we carry when our child has been cut off from us on this earth (much more than the scar on my ankle).

But the comparisons don’t stop at the scar of the injury.

Did having a staph infection in my ankle beachkeep me from ever swimming again? No way! I love to swim and be in the water (especially in warm places with beautiful beaches).

Did having an amputation keep Becca from running and playing with the other children? No, it didn’t. It may have slowed her down and caused her to adapt to how she ran and how she played, but it didn’t stop her.

Does the death of our child mean our life is over, and we will never be able to live a full life again? No, it doesn’t. We need time to go through a “recovery” process (for lack of a better word) and need time to learn how to function with our child no longer here, but it doesn’t mean we will never be able to function again.

We will go through times when everyone around us is splashing and playing while we are unable to participate because of our wounds.

We will go through times when we can’t function, and have to wait for more healing.

We will go through times when we have to adjust the way we do things.

We will forever bear the scar of our amputation. We will always have reminders that part of us is missing. But we are not permanently injured to the point of being out of commission for the rest of our lives.

If you are in the first one to three years of grief, this may sound impossible. But I assure you, it isn’t.

May I remind you there are still people who want and need you in their lives; God still has a plan and purpose for you.

kneippen-860135_960_720Don’t give up. Don’t give up on life. Don’t give up on hope. Don’t give up on happiness, laughter and joy. Hang on, one day, one minute, one breath at a time.

When it is time to do nothing but rest, that’s okay; do nothing but rest (and cry, or whatever else you need to do).

When it’s time to get up and push your way through, do it. Fight for it.

And make sure you have people in your life who have faced the same “injury,” who are further on the path ahead of you. Knowing others have been able to live beyond the death of their child reminds you that it is possible, plus, they will be your greatest encouragers, understanding the process because they have been through it themselves.

Yes, we will forever bear the scars of our amputation. We will forever be reminded our child is no longer here with us. But we can also learn to live a full life with part of us missing.

I know, because I have the scars to prove it.

 

If you would like a free copy of Thirty-six Scriptures of Hope to print out and meditate on, click here. You will be taken to a page to access our free library, which has many useful items.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to bereaved parents, which she call pareavors. (Pa from the word parent, and reave from the root word bereave which means “plundered or robbed, deprive one of, seized, carry, or tear away.”) This is a pretty good description of who we are and what has happened to us.

by Leave a Comment

From Death to Life When Tragedy Strikes

Have you ever faced a tragedy, finding yourself in a very dark place as a result? You are confused, broken, in despair, and lost?

7. From Death to LifeWhen Tragedy Strikes

I have, more than once. (And many of you know about some of those experiences from my book Triple Crown Transformation.) But the one that left me in the deepest, darkest pit by far came from the death of our oldest daughter.

Many professionals say that experiencing the death of one’s child is the greatest trauma a person can face. Those who have faced the death of their spouse, a sibling, or other losses and have also faced the death of their child, say losing their child takes them to a much deeper darkness than other losses, and it lasts so much longer.

IMAG0966When Becca died (you can read about her story by clicking here), I didn’t know anyone who had lost a child, and had no one to guide me through the darkness that made me think I was going crazy. I started reading books from other parents who had experienced the loss of a child, and most of them seemed to carry the message that our lives are forever a black mess we can’t get out of.

I would read how angry and bitter these parents were; just waiting to die so they could rejoin their child.

I would read how their living children would say they also lost their mom when their sibling died.

This just wasn’t acceptable to me.

I knew I had the seed of Hope living inside of me. I knew I wanted to be part of the lives of my other children and my precious grandchildren. I knew God still had a calling on my life, with a purpose.

So I fought!

I grabbed ahold of God with everything I had, and I fought. It took months, even years, because of how deep and dark that pit is when you have to bury your child. Sometimes I would feel the Lord reach down and help pull me up a bit, and other times I felt like I was fighting and clawing to the next foothold on my way up while He was under me, giving me the boost I needed.

It was messy, it was difficult, and it was painful beyond words. But I was victorious, because God’s specialty empty graveis bringing life from death!

Let me say that again. God’s SPECIALTY is bringing life out of death!

ANY death, when put in His hands, will birth life!

And not only did I receive life, but during the battle, the Holy Spirit taught me so many things about myself, and about Him. Things about how I was living out of a false identity. How I didn’t really know how to live from a place of resting in Him. How I had a deeply rooted sin of judging the heart and motives of others, and would try to manipulate them into doing what I thought they should be doing.

So not only did He bring me through the fire, He lovingly refined me in the process.

I must share that I still have the pain of grief. I will always feel my daughter’s loss deeply, and my life will never be the same with her gone from this earth. But I have life again, beyond her death. And it is a life richer in God’s love than I could have ever imagined.

If God can do this for me, He can do it for anyone. He can do it for you. He can do it for other parents who have lost a child from this earth through death.

And that is now a passion I have; to reach out to those parents behind me who have been thrown into that deep black pit, and offer them a hand of hope. I didn’t have anyone to do that for me, and I don’t want that to happen to anyone else on this dark horrible path of the death of a child.

About a year and a half ago, I woke up in the night with the title of a book (When Tragedy Strikes) and many of the chapter subjects. I got up and wrote everything down. It seemed the Holy Spirit was directing me to write a book, so I started. My plan was to learn how to publish the book myself, having no intent of pitching it to any publishers.

Apparently, God had His own plan which I wasn’t aware of. In February of last year, Dave and I were at a conference in San Diego, where I met David Hancock, who is the founder of Morgan James Publishing. We had a conversation, and by the time we were done, I had his business card with a request to send him what I had written so far with the book I had started.

Five weeks later, I was offered a book contract, and signed it on what would have been Becca’s 33rd birthday. I am still in total amazement of this!

v5I never knew how much work is involved in writing a book and getting it published. And unless you are already a big name person with a huge public following, the greatest part of the leg-work of promoting and marketing a book falls on the shoulders of the author. And when you think about it, no one else is going to have the heart and passion for what was written on the pages more than the person who wrote it, so it makes sense that the author should be the strongest promoter.

SO…. In my passion for getting this message of hope and healing to as many hurting and grieving parents as possible, I am putting together a team of people who want to help.

  • I am seeking those who firmly believe in the power of unity! Those who know how God can move mightily through a group of people who are moving as one in Him, sharing His message of hope and healing.
  • I am looking for those who hate seeing the darkness Satan keeps people wrapped up in, and want to shatter that darkness with the light and life of the Risen King.
  • I want people who carry that seed of Hope within them and want to help me plant it in these precious ones who have lost their hope when they lost their child from this earth.
  • I need to be connected with those who have a passion to give others a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a mantle of praise instead of a spirit of despair and heaviness (Isaiah 61:3).

If that is you, please click here, to find out how to join our When Tragedy Strikes Book Launch Team. There will be lots of benefits, including a free pre-release copy of my book.

And if you are a bereaved parent, let me first say how very sorry I am! You have my heart, as we have an instant connection. I would be so honored, and absolutely love to have you join us on the launch team.

We are here to be a light of hope, in a time of deep darkness for those who have been shattered by the death of their child. Please help us spread that light of hope!

 

20150501_104633

Gems from the Crown is a weekly blog from Crown of Glory Ministries to strengthen and encourage believers in Christ in their walk with God, especially in the areas of vision, authority, and identity. If you would like to have Gems from the Crown delivered directly to you, please click here.

 

 

Recent Posts




LIKE US ON FACEBOOK

GPS Hope Page (for bereaved parents)

Events & Itinerary

BROWSEOUR STORE

guidestar